This is my first boyfriend. I'm not his first girlfriend.
I've always been overweight... well, now I'm not, I have a BMI of 23, I gotta lose like 5 lbs though.
I've always been bigger than most girls and that makes me sad. Big as in taller, wider hips, overweight... never severly overweight.
However this summer (it's summer down here) I started wearing a bikini. I'm not fat but I'm still pudgy. Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with my boyfriend and I'm thinking I may wear a one piece instead.
He's never told me I'm fat. He says I am in better shape than at the beginning of our relationship though (I've lost like 15 lbs). I did exercise for a while, I lasted three full weeks and lost around 8 lbs 2 months ago. But I've gotten lazy.
See, we were talking about tomorrow and he mentioned I'd be wearing a bikini. He semed a little excited about it, although I had sent him a picture before. Well, I told him I was no supermodel in it, but I didn't look bad. He said "that's because it's been a long time since you exercised!"... I got mad because he's always telling me how I dropped exercising. I then told him "I bet you never told your ex gf that she should exercise..." he said "No, she didn't need it, she was fine".
I felt awful... his ex gf is almost as tall as me but she's skinny. I'm not dammit, and it's so hard to lose weight. I've always been so self conscious about it, but sometimes I just can't lose it and I have awfully big thighs full of cellulite. He told me he thinks I'm fine, but that he insists on exercise because I always say I'm fat. I asked him "Oh, but if I were like your ex, it'd be better right?" He was silent... after half a minute he answered "No, you're fine...". I said to him "Tell me the truth, if I were thinner it'd be better..." He said "Well, you could use some exercise".
Dammit I know it's better to hear the truth than some pity lie, but still! I hate my body, and I hate it that my boyfriend thinks his ex gf is hotter!
Why am I the only 19 year old with a saggy body? He told me it's not his fault she's thinner, and that it's my fault I feel like this because I've done nothing to change. Is this tough love or something? I hate my genes, why couldn't I be born with a smaller petite body, with no tendency to gain weight? I have Insuline Resistance too, I hate it because I can't eat nice stuff... I hate it, why was I born like this? I know he loves me, but he also says attraction is important to him, not as important as personality, but yes it's also quite important.
Last edited by justasadgirl; 02-13-2008 at 02:50 PM.
You have to stop comparing yourself to his ex AND stop asking him to compare you both. I think he has been honest with you, since you asked him. There is nothing wrong in saying you might need to exercise. I know you know it but you asked him right?
Try not to overplay this much because if you do, he will start to notice it more. Choose the right colour/style etc..and most importantly, stay confident!
Wow, at first I started to think your situation sounds a lot like mine, until you got to the ex part. I know you asked, but in my opinion, your boyfriend should have NEVER agreed to compare you and his ex. Even if you did ask. And the fact that he said "she didn't need to exercise", yet he tells you to, that's a slap in the face.
I have my own body issues and it drives my boyfriend crazy. His ex was VERY skinny (annorexic in fact, he told me). So, although I know that super skinny look is not sexy, I can't help but feel extremely self conscious around my boyfriend. He hates that I won't get naked in front of him and I'm always covering up. He tells me he doesn't understand because he's never said anything bad about my looks or body (which is true) and he tells me he loves my body and thinks it's sexy. But, that doesn't change my own feelings about my body and insecurities. It's very hard to get over...
So, with that said, I can only imagine how you feel. It's hard enough to deal with body image issues WITHOUT being compared to others. We girls already compare ourselves to pretty much every other girl we see, and the absolute LAST person we want to be compared to is an ex gf. At the same time, you shouldn't ask. I would never have the guts to ask my boyfriend about his ex. As I believe, don't ask any questions that you can't handle the truthful answer about. I disagree with him saying the things he does though. Even if you ask...
I don't really know what to tell you at this point. The first thing I would do is stop asking your boyfriend about his ex. I would say stop comparing, but I know that's very unlikely, especially after what was said. But, you need to tell your boyfriend that you don't appreciate the comments about his ex, and that you are sorry you asked. Tell him you need some support and encouragement about your body (just the way it is), and should you choose to lose weight, you will. And if you do, it will be for YOU.
i was almost 20lbs lighter about 6 yrs ago. now that i am heavier, and although i feel 'fat' i am still in a 'proper' weight range, not overweight....but i'm telling you, if any guy was pushing me towards bing slimmer, i'd be done. girls have enough body issues w/o guys adding to it - especially when you KNOW there are guys out there who would love you fat thighs and all maybe now that i'm older, and more comfortable with my body, i know if the guy likes me, he'd have to deal with my extra 'baggage' (bikini, naked or dressed you have the same body) or he'd be gone.
a breakthrough came for me when i dated a body builder and we were fooling around and i was worrying about how a position would make me 'fatter' (i thought him being a body buider, he wouldn't like extra fat on me) but then i thought hell. ,this is my leg, he's seen it in pants, and thats it. can't change it so he'll have to deal'...and when i let go of my own issues, it was more fun and he was still into me.
but when a guy is saying he would like you better if....and you should change this....damn what if you had kids with this guy, he wont love you as much if you got fatter? its his own stupid socialization of how women should be...sooo not cool. anyway...he sounds well meaning but a little insensitive...its probably not that big of a deal to him but those little comments he makes that hurt you prob. don't really mean much to him and it doesn't sounds like hes trying to tell you to be super skinny, sounds like hes trying to encourage you and its coming out like a caveman.
well do u feel comfortable in your own body? ok so you dont have a flat stomach, you may have some celulite but your not fat right? well i dont have a flat stomach, im 5 foot tall, maybe a little under five foot. i weigh 54 kilos which i think is about 120 pounds. that has a BMI of 23 which i think you said was your BMI too. i enjoy wearing bikinis and i have the love handles, big thighs with celulite. i wish i had a flat stomach. i know i could look better but im happy and comfortable walking around in a bikini, so if you are comfortable doing the same, who cares what anyone thinks. my boyfriend says i can tone up a little. id like to tone up too. im not so sensitive to remarks made about my body but that doesnt mean your the same as we are all different and have different feelings. so we all need to respect everyones feelings. next time he says something about the way you look, make a smart comment like, well you must be glad your not the one walking around in my body then. then you can say, im happy, sorry if you're not. at the end of the day, if you are happy and content with yourself then flaunt that body all day, every day at the beach and pools
I am truly sorry that you are so sad about this. I say this you can never be anyone but who you are. To compre yourself to others does nothing but make you second guess yourself. Not good. Be happy and proud of who you are inside and out and then it truly wont matter what the rest of the world thinks. And as far the BF anyone worth having in your life, takes you as is and it seems that he does. Be the best you you can be. Hugs !!
What you need to do is accept that you are who you are. If you don't love yourself as is you can't expect anyone else to? You can not rely on anyone to make you feel good about yourself. That has to come from within.
Nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws that we see within ourselves. That is what makes us unique. Stop comparing yourself to his ex and asking him to do the same. Your boyfriend is fighting a losing battle here. He is with you. If he wanted that ex you compare yourself to he would be with her. Stop sabotaging your relationship and work on you. And I don't mean "physically" work on you, I mean "menatally".
Last edited by happymom28; 02-14-2008 at 07:09 AM.
I don't think you should be so eager to try to please some jerk whose love, affection and approval comes with conditions. He's your boyfriend, not your personal trainer. I dated a guy for a couple of years who made comments about when I gained weight while we were dating. As it turned out, he never really loved me. I think when a man really truly loves you, he doesn't care if you put on a few pounds, unless it's so much that your health is in jeapardy, but 5 vanity pounds?
You should never date someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. If he's going to turn his nose up at you and make you feel bad because of 5 or 10 vanity pounds, what's he going to do when you have a baby and put on 10 20 or 50 extra pounds, get stretch marks, or if you get older and start wrinkling and go gray? If I were you, I'd stop worrying about the 5 vanity pounds and dump the extra 160, 180 pounds of dead weight that you currently call your boyfriend.
The thing is, it is not the boyfriend who brought up the subject, if I understood the post correctly. You actively asked him for comparisons. I mean I am sorry but you should not need your bf to tell you to take care of yourself. Your weight might not have put your health in jeopardy but it obviously did threaten your self-esteem. I hope that you had a nice day, regardless.
Even if you were a super model you'd still find something you hate about your body. We're humans.. it's what we do. We tare ourselves down and pick ourselves apart.
Be proud of yourself for losing the weight that you did. It's very hard work. And keeping it off is even harder. Keep working at it... but for yourself.. not b/c you're trying to fit into the mold of a person you think a guy wants you to be.
You're boyfriend gave you his honest opinion, and even though it was a harsh one.. i think it was with your health in mind. Exercising is something everyone should be doing. And I agree that if a person constantly complains about how they look but do nothing about it, then who wants to hear it right?! I'm guilty of the same thing.. and my boyfriend has come to the point where he just grits his teeth and gives me a look.. in his head I know he's screaming .. "then do something about it for God's sake!!"
Try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said then done, i know.) All you can do is work towards your goals. Maybe if your boyfriend or a friend of yours worked out with you, you'd be able to stay motivated. Its hard to get into a routine.. but when you do, and when you start to see those results it gets easier to stick with it.