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Old 02-16-2008, 08:39 AM   #1
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Where Do I go From Here ?

I am truly not even sure where to start. Let me first start by saying that I am a 35 year old mother of one. I have have been married and divorced twice. I am currently in a relationship with a man who until 6 months ago has always lived at home with his parents. He is 33. We have been dating for about 2 years and his mother thinks I am the devil. She just thinks I am used up and trash because of previous marriages. Anyway. For the first year of our relationship we lived seperately and then I moved in to his parents house with him for a while until we got our own house. His mother was furious that he moved out. He has tried his whole life to please her and has never been good enough. His father has no backbone and is abused by his mother daily. This woman is controlling and manipulative yet both her husband and son love her and are constantly trying to please her. Okay so that's the short version of the background.

So here is my problem, My boyfriend is truly a wonderful, caring, loving man. When we first started dating he seemed so happy to finally be around someone he could be himself with. See he was in a relationship since highschool with a girl that his mother wanted him to marry, but he wasn't in love with her he said. He did love her at first but they grew apart as they got older. His mother still has their prom picture up in her bedroom. Okay but now that we've moved out he seems moody and meanand miserable all the time. He has never had to pay rent,electricity,water etc. He only paid for his vehicles and his "toys" of such while living with his parents. So now he has MAJOR responsibilities and I can imagine that's real rough on him. See I moved out and was married by the time I was 19. So I have always had these things to deal with. He has always worked and always had plenty of money to play with. Now, we simply don't have any extra.
To add to our problems I have health issues with Polycystic Kidney Disease and Liver problems as well, that have caused me to miss quite a bit of work resulting in him having to bear the entire financial burden. I was diagnosed 3 weeks after we moved into our new house. Can you say very bad timing?

The problem is that I don't know what to do. Our relationship is falling apart. He wont talk, He just mopes around and gets snappy whenever I try to talk to him. And I feel like I have ruined him. Like the life has been sucked right out of him. He has always been so good to me and now it just seems like he hates me. I've asked him if he wants me to leave and he says no, "Where the hell are you gonna go"? I have no family and no money so I guess he feels like he has to "save" me. I don't want him to be with me for that. I want him to be with me because he loves me. What do I do? How do I make him happy again? Since i have been feeling better lately, I got a second job, but the doctor says I can't push myself that much. It could kill me. That I need to do as little as possible. He doesn't understand that I have to make money. I am not disabled so can't get any assistance. I have tried. So, WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE ?

 
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Old 02-16-2008, 01:42 PM   #2
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Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

Heart,

I am sorry for this stress in your life. It sounds to me you have been dealt a rough hand and you are trying your hardest to make the best out of what you have.

I don't mean to come across as uncompassionate, but I think from day one, the signs that your boyfriend is immature and not ready to grow up were present. You do deserve someone willing to help you through the stresses of life and your illness. It seems like your boyfriend views this as "an obligation" rather than being your support person and giving you that helping hand. You deserve better.

Like your doctor said, it is important that you do not push yourself. Added stress IS pushing yourself. Nothing is more important than your life. Your child needs you.

I would like to say that maybe your boyfriend could change, maybe he will see the light and be willing to help you out, but I think that time has come and passed. It is time for you to live for yourself and your child. If you cannot afford the bills of your current location, than I would move to somewhere that is a little more feasible for you. And quite frankly, I would sit down with your boyfriend and explain short, sweet, and simply: you care about him, but this is not the kind of relationship you had hoped for.

YOU WILL BE JUST FINE WITHOUT HIM. Do not let him bash you down with words. If it is his mom he is looking for, if it is his "recreational toys" he likes to spend his money on, if it is responsibility he dreads... then so be it.

Keep your head up. I think you are a smart woman and you know what you need to do. Best of luck!

Last edited by jlynna14; 02-16-2008 at 01:44 PM.

 
Old 02-16-2008, 01:55 PM   #3
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jozi209 HB User
Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

And I feel like I have ruined him.

you didn't ruin him, you introduced a spoiled brat to real life and he is throwing an extended tantrum.

I want him to be with me because he loves me.

if this is true, you shouldn't stay.
if u love him and want to work it out, you could try staying.
If this is true, and your disease (I am sorry I have never heard of it before, I don't know your limitations) makes you stay, maybe try to work on it again. or call a woman's shelter, you may be able to get into one and they can help you get on your feet by yourself.

 
Old 02-16-2008, 02:08 PM   #4
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niknak77 HB User
Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

You didn't ruin this guy his parents did. He is an immature spoiled mama's boy, who is obviously extremely irresponible and selfish. You need to do whatever you can and send him packing. Let him go home to mommy. You deserve so much better than this. Plus what kind of example is he to your child? Call United Way and see if they can give you some resources to help you out. Good luck. There are brighter days ahead.

 
Old 02-16-2008, 04:39 PM   #5
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bulletproof HB User
Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heart2Blu View Post
He has always been so good to me and now it just seems like he hates me. I've asked him if he wants me to leave and he says no, "Where the hell are you gonna go"?
This statement alone would be enough for me to seriously question this relationship. That is a very harsh response from someone who supposedly loves you. Forget about trying to make him happy, and focus on making yourself happy. He seems to be rebelling against real life, which includes paying bills and not being able to buy things on a whim. If he wants more spending flexibility then he'd better get a job that pays more. It's not like he's taking care of you and six kids, and you are pulling your weight more than you already should be financially.

 
Old 02-17-2008, 12:49 PM   #6
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Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bulletproof View Post
This He seems to be rebelling against real life, which includes paying bills and not being able to buy things on a whim. If he wants more spending flexibility then he'd better get a job that pays more. It's not like he's taking care of you and six kids, and you are pulling your weight more than you already should be financially.
She isn't pulling her weight, after 3 weeks of them living together, suddenly he is supporting her because of her health problems, and she has a child too. I can see why he feels resentment and is unhappy about this arrangement, even if he was living with his parents previously.

 
Old 02-17-2008, 06:40 PM   #7
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Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diamond141 View Post
She isn't pulling her weight, after 3 weeks of them living together, suddenly he is supporting her because of her health problems, and she has a child too. I can see why he feels resentment and is unhappy about this arrangement, even if he was living with his parents previously.
She has two jobs. How much more is she supposed to do? And her health problems are not something she is doing on purpose to hurt him. When you're in a relationship with someone it is expected that you will be there for each other during hard times.

 
Old 02-18-2008, 05:03 AM   #8
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Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

Okay for about 5- 6 weeks when I was first diagnosed I missed a lot of work, and had to dip into savings for some things. I now work two jobs and have since November. He was only left with the entire load for one month. I did not chose to be sick and trust me would gladly give it back if someone was willing to take my illness. However, that is the hand I was dealt so I must live with it. So if he were to get hurt while doing yard work and was unable to work for a period of time, I should just up and leave him as well. We are engaged, was he just gonna leave the "in sickness and health " part out of the vows. He doesn't seem to have any issue with it at all when he's feeling frisky. I mean like I said he's not this horrible person he has just changed and I'm not too sure how to handle it.

 
Old 02-19-2008, 06:09 AM   #9
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Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

Furthermore, If these were issues that needed to be discussed, Shouldn't he be talking about them instead of acting like a big baby. When I even suggest my dauhter and I leaving and "setting him Free" He says so what you justwant to give up just like that? I feel like he is the one who has given up on me.

 
Old 02-19-2008, 07:51 AM   #10
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Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diamond141 View Post
She isn't pulling her weight, after 3 weeks of them living together, suddenly he is supporting her because of her health problems, and she has a child too. I can see why he feels resentment and is unhappy about this arrangement, even if he was living with his parents previously.
I think that working 2 jobs is definetly pulling someone's weight. If she were simply doing nothing and he was left to cook, clean, work take care of her child and so on then I could see. However it seems to me he is just a spoiled rotten brat who got slapped in the face with a big dose of REALITY.

 
Old 02-19-2008, 09:29 AM   #11
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Re: Where Do I go From Here ?

its not your responsibility to make him happy.....you need to worry about yourself and making yourself happy

 
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