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Old 02-21-2008, 01:35 PM   #1
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Unhappy I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

So I met this guy off an online dating site and we seem to get along really well. We hangout mabey once or twice a week and when we are together it is absolutely wonderful. We both have quirky senses of humor and seem to click perfectly!
He originally told me (in emails) how he was a shy person and that was why he does the online thing. I myself did it because I have never really been on the dating thing (I was married for the past 6 years and he was the 1st guy I ever dated!) and figured online would be better for me…
Well he is a drummer in a band and has invited me out even to a few of his shows. His whole personality with me and everyone around him give me the impression that he does not come off as shy, but who am I to judge right? lol!

Well I guess he works in a job where there are mostly women and he goes out to lunch with them most days. I don’t mind that, but he has made some comments about ‘this secretary’ who works where he works. He talks about how she has a kid and her work ethics suck and how she want to be a nurse, ect, ect..I just nod my head and let him talk about her. He must go out to lunch a lot with her too (he told me as we were driving near his work ‘oh I ate there with (I cant remember her name)’ ..and it looked like a really nice resturaunt too.
I have also noticed in the past few weeks he has stopped calling me while he is out at lunch and doesn’t call me until he is at his house after work..I don’t know if I am just thinking wayyy into all of this or not…?

Well I have known for a while (since last month) how he was going to this hockey game coming up (I was with him when he bought them) I guess I assumed I would be going with him but he never brought it up, so I figured he must be going with one of his family. But I just found out that he is taking this ‘secretary’!!!
He has even complained on how he might take that Monday off and I asked him why and he said ‘because Im gonna get drunk!” then I told him well then if you have 2 work don’t drink so much and he said he well I want to have an awesome night though..(I just told him to be careful)

I know that I should not get worked up about this, as the majority of his friends are women (at least on his my space it looks that way!!!). He even kept his old cell # from a different state because most his friends live out there! He also keeps in contact with every one of his ex’s(they all live back east). He even told me that he talks to one of his ex’s almost every day (he talked to her while I was in the room) they still call each other PET NAMES!!! And this ex always makes comments on his my space how he is sexy and how she misses him, how he ‘needs to come over here and warm her up’, xoxox, and stuff of that nature…
I asked him about that and he just says that that is just how she is and if I had a problem with him talking to his ex’s (I told him no).

So I know we both haven’t really haven’t declared us as ‘offically dating’ either, so who am I to flip out over it right? But I did tell him that I am just getting out of a bad relationship (going on 6months ago) and that I cant take getting hurt and he told me ‘he is not one of those guys’.
So am I being really paranoid? I don’t even know which way to think about this..he is either just a nice guy (because I think if he was doing something wrong, why he even bring her up in our convos) and I just have to get over the fact that 95% of his friends are women, OR he is a typical player and I need to bolt.
He has told me (In txt) how he says he is falling and how I make him feel like noone else has. He even talks about me going back east with him to meet his friends and family and what Im doing in April, ect.

It just seems as of late the momentum of our ‘relationship’ have slowed waaaaay down. Ex: I get no replies from emails, half the time no replies from my text and shorter conversations lately.

I really like him but don’t want to scare him away by thinking I may be ‘insecure, controlling, or even psycho. I hope that he isn’t moving on or is just ‘exploring his options’ still.

I hate to say it because I am totally falling in love with him and I am getting scared that he may just be toying with me! =(

Last edited by FionaFey; 02-21-2008 at 01:38 PM.

 
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Old 02-21-2008, 01:50 PM   #2
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

Go back to that dating site and keep looking. You don't have a commitment with this guy. Soon you'll be another ex he calls once in a while and keeps your number in his cell phone.

You need more dating experiences.

 
Old 02-21-2008, 07:02 PM   #3
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

get rid of him. you are not number one for him and you should be.

 
Old 02-21-2008, 09:46 PM   #4
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

Who are you to judge? The woman dating him, that's who you are, and you have every right to judge, to observe, to use your gut instincts to decipher and suss out what kind of person he is. you don't think he's judging you? How thin you are, how pretty you are, how sparkly your personality is, how big your boobs are, how tight your butt, how much fun you are to be with and what you can do for him? Don't kid yourself, you bet your bottom dollar he's judging you. Don't EVER tell yourself you don't have the right to expect certain standards of behavior in the man you're dating.

Boy does this smell stinky to me. I may be paranoid, but he sounds a lot like a drummer I used to know who I thought was just a good time charlie kind of guy, flirty and gregarious and enjoyed life. I learned he was just a heartless player who is really incapable of loving or truly caring about anyone but himself. Fortunately I escaped dating him and getting involved with him, My best friend's little sister, and a whole host of other women, however, weren't so lucky.

Keep looking. You never should have lied and told him it doesn't bother you for him to constantly talk to exes if it does bother you. I agree that you need more dating experience, but you also need to first figure out who you are and what exactly are you looking for, what you want and what you don't want. You'll never find the right guy for you if you don't first figure out what that is. Be honest with yourself and with the men you date.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 03:42 AM   #5
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

This one is a major player. The trouble is that guys (and women) like this are very charming, attractive, and know just how to play you. That is how they get their "victims". There is nothing but heartbreak in loving somebody like this. You will have a lot of fun and good times with him, but he is NOT relationship material.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 06:52 AM   #6
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

I know what I think......I think I smell a rat......
trust your gut instinct........
he's unavailable.....he's got too many irons in the fire.
if you think he's taking this secretary and nothing's going on there, you need to re-think this.
he doesn't take your "relationship" as seriously as you do. get out unless you just want to be his plaything

 
Old 02-22-2008, 07:32 AM   #7
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

To me it sounds like he's just playing the field and has lots and lots of "friends w/ benefits" that he calls "Exes". My gut tells me "Secretary" is his new priority.
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Old 02-22-2008, 07:56 AM   #8
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

Should I even tell him about what I feel and think or should I just plain old stop talking to him??...mabey if he is really just innocently doin things then he might change how he acts?..hmmm

 
Old 02-22-2008, 08:02 AM   #9
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FionaFey View Post
Should I even tell him about what I feel and think or should I just plain old stop talking to him??...mabey if he is really just innocently doin things then he might change how he acts?..hmmm
innocent? you've got to be kidding, right?

 
Old 02-22-2008, 08:03 AM   #10
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

At this point in your relationship, talking about your feelings will be whinny. Be unavailable, date others, see if he comes around.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 08:38 AM   #11
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FionaFey View Post
Should I even tell him about what I feel and think or should I just plain old stop talking to him??...mabey if he is really just innocently doin things then he might change how he acts?..hmmm
There are times to talk about how you feel, and other times when it's a waste of time. I think this would be a waste of time time. He's sending you a pretty clear message by taking another woman to a pretty important event that he admitted he fully intends to get rip roaring drunk at. And it's actually kind of in your face about it. I mean, what do he and his "secretary" intend to do after the event when they are both stinking drunk, so drunk he has to take Monday off? Honey, please please please don't be the girl who sits and waits for his call on Tuesday.

It's pretty clear he's just not that into you. A woman of quality doesn't compete with other women because she doesn't have to. Knock him down to "friend" status in your mind's file and still hang out with him if you want to for fun, all the while knowing he just doesn't see you as serious long term material and the search continues.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 09:22 AM   #12
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

I agree, it would be a major waste of time to tell him how you feel. He is dating this secretary whether you see it that way or not. Why waste your time when he spends a good chunk of his free time with her? I mean, you were with him when he bought tickets to take another girl to a hockey game! He's not worth your time. Keep on dating. He is the only the first guy you've dated since your divorce. Trust me, there are better guys out there.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 09:25 AM   #13
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FionaFey View Post
Should I even tell him about what I feel and think or should I just plain old stop talking to him??...mabey if he is really just innocently doin things then he might change how he acts?..hmmm
he already views you as a doormat.......
don't volunteer to let him wipe his feet on you.....

 
Old 02-22-2008, 12:09 PM   #14
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

thanks for the replies!! He actually just called me a few hours ago to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go to a movie and I told him that I was 'busy'. I dont want him to think Im at his every becon call!!

 
Old 02-22-2008, 12:44 PM   #15
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Re: I Dont know What to think/feel?!?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FionaFey View Post
thanks for the replies!! He actually just called me a few hours ago to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go to a movie and I told him that I was 'busy'. I dont want him to think Im at his every becon call!!
GOOD JOB!!!!!
Keep it up!

 
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