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Old 02-22-2008, 05:41 AM   #1
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Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

I wondering what you guys think of V-day cards for parents/grandparents? Seems my mother in law (who is often causing problems) is ****** because she didn't get a V-day card from her son or grandson. Of course, this is MY fault! My son is 15 months and when he is old enough to scribble or make a card, then maybe she will get one. However, I don't see the big deal right now.

She said she sent my son a card but it never arrived in the mail. My husband thinks she is fibbing and is just mad b/c we didn't send her one. My husband used to send his parents a Vday card before we got married, but he sees it as something that he has outgrown since he now has his own family.

There isn't a right or wrong answer to this, but it is just another thing my mother in law makes a fuss over.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 07:08 AM   #2
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

Well, personally I think Valentine's Day is one of those holidays where the only person you had better remember is your significant other. I mean, it's nice to send your parents and grandparents a little something, but I don't see it as mandatory. I can see where she'd be hurt, or where his parents would be hurt, if they used to get something from your husband but don't anymore, but certainly not something to make a stink over.

I personally don't give my parents or anyone else anything on valentines day because I just hate the day, though my parents give me a little rose and a card, and this year, I even warranted a stuffed animal. the sentiment was sweet but I could really have done without the reminder that the only people who care enough to give me anything on the dreaded V-day is my parents. Just makes me feel like a loser. So giving, getting, or not giving or getting anything for Valentine's day is always a bit of a mine field.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. If the old gal observes Easter, your hubby can send her a nice Easter card. Hopefully that will shut her up till next year. I mean, it's just a card and a stamp. Not much effort or time or money for the sake of keeping peace in the family.

 
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Old 02-22-2008, 07:40 AM   #3
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

Well I think that if he always used to send cards before he married you then MIL probably thinks you are some part of him not sending cards...not that he's matured and grown out of it. Personally I think it would be a very nice thing for your husband to continue sending his Mom V day cards...he only has one Mom. They have Valentine's card for Mothers. It probably hurt her feelings. On my last birthday, noone(except my husband of course) remembered my birthday...I got no calls or cards, I can't tell you how hurt I was...then as the days went by people began to realize they missed my birthday and e-mailed me...but my birthday was still ruined by noone remembering! People just get so caught up in their busy lives that they forget how good it makes someone feel to know they are remembered.
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Old 02-22-2008, 08:18 AM   #4
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

Seriously, give me a break! Valentine's day is a ridiculous Hallmark Holiday that has nothing to do with anything except if you're in a relationship. They're the only people who are supposed to be celebrating that holiday, and ONLY if they really want to.

I think your MIL is being ridiculous and she needs to cut the apron strings. She has to accept the fact that her son is now married with his own family and he's not a little boy who has to make his mommy his priority anymore.

And FURTHERMORE, your husband is the one who should be telling her this, you shouldn't have to deal with this at all! She's not your mother causing the trouble, it's his mom! But in the meantime, what you should do is just blow her off. If she complains about it, change the subject or leave the room or whatever, but don't play that game with her. She's being a dork and you don't have to take that from her. You really don't! So just shut her down whenever she complains about it.

And I agree about the Easter card. That's a real holiday, for that you can send a nice card and hopefully that will shut her up. But Valentines isn't even a real holiday, for cripes sake! For her to get THIS bent out of shape about it just shows how weird she is. WEIRD, man!!!

 
Old 02-22-2008, 08:25 AM   #5
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

Well, the thing to keep in mind here is, it's not so much the holiday itself, that has little to do with it. It has to do with the fact that he used to do something sweet and thoughtful for his mom, and now that this "other woman" has come into her son's life, he no longer bothers. See it from her side. I can understand how she would feel ousted, dethrowned as it were. When you marry into a family, it's not always a good idea to come stampeding in and say "ok, I'M here now, you're no longer number one in your son's life, I AM!!! Like it or lump it old lady!!" Sometimes a little honey gets you a lot farther than vinegar. Give a little to get a little. If a little card and 41 cent stamp will shut her up, why not? Pick your battles with the MIL. If it were me and my husband no longer felt like sending her a card, I might even take it upon myself to put her on the mailing list to get a card from both of us if it means that much to her. Hey, she created and raised the love of your life, the man you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. She must have done something right.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-22-2008 at 08:27 AM.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 08:49 AM   #6
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

I still think you should only send cards on holidays that are relevant. I think making a big stink over a fake holiday is just lame. So what if he doesn't send her a card on a fake holiday? If he remembers her a few weeks later on Easter, then what's the big deal? He's still acknowledging her, just not on an inappropriate holiday that has nothing to do with the mother/son relationship. That's what I'm sayin.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 08:54 AM   #7
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

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Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
I still think you should only send cards on holidays that are relevant. I think making a big stink over a fake holiday is just lame. So what if he doesn't send her a card on a fake holiday? If he remembers her a few weeks later on Easter, then what's the big deal? He's still acknowledging her, just not on an inappropriate holiday that has nothing to do with the mother/son relationship. That's what I'm sayin.
But here's what I'm saying - "relevant" to whom? Just because YOU consider it a fake, irrelevant holiday doesn't mean everyone else is required to. Sometimes in a marriage, in a family, you do things you don't want to do, you do things you may think are silly, lame or stupid, or even a waste, but you do them because it makes someone ELSE happy.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 08:56 AM   #8
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

But who's to say what "holidays" are important to whom? As far as I'm concerened...all the Christmas present buying is totally stupid but hey, that's just me and most people think it's extremely important but I don't buy anyone Christmas presents. To her it was special to get a V card from her son.
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Old 02-22-2008, 09:12 AM   #9
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

It was Valentines Day for crying out loud! It is nothing but a retail holiday that forces you into spending money to show your love for someone. Honestly, I could do without it. I don't need a special day for anyone to tell me they love me.

I agree with everything Kszan has to say on the matter. Let your husband tell her she is being ridiculous (if he so chooses) and you stay away from it. Why should you have to indulge her temper tantrum?

 
Old 02-22-2008, 09:20 AM   #10
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

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It was Valentines Day for crying out loud! It is nothing but a retail holiday that forces you into spending money to show your love for someone. Honestly, I could do without it. I don't need a special day for anyone to tell me they love me.

I agree with everything Kszan has to say on the matter. Let your husband tell her she is being ridiculous (if he so chooses) and you stay away from it. Why should you have to indulge her temper tantrum?
Well, she shouldn't have to indulge anyone's temper tantrum, but this is really more than just a one time temper tantrum. It's wedge that's being created between this guy's mom and his wife, and it's most likely going to fester and get worse and turn into a huge power play, and it's be one of those family things where it's like "well, she's going to be there so I dont want to go, well you have to come but she's not invited" and all that ridiculousness, when one stupid card and a 41 cent stamp could have avoided all of it. Of course her husband is never going to tell his own mother she's being ridiculous. the problem isn't with the son anyway. The MIL is not mad at the son. You can't expect him to play mediator all his life, as he's gonna get real sick of that pretty darn quick.

Hopefully it will just blow over, as it appears neither of these women is going to give, they both think they're right and they both want to "win."

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-22-2008 at 09:21 AM.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 09:28 AM   #11
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Well, she shouldn't have to indulge anyone's temper tantrum, but this is really more than just a one time temper tantrum.
You're right, this is more than a one time temper tantrum. Her MIL is constantly causing problems. This is just another way for her to stick it to KeltoKel, IMO. Whenever she isn't happy she blames KeltoKel rather than talking to her son about it. I think her own son is pretty darn sick of dealing with her too. Correct me if I'm wrong KeltoKel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
It's wedge that's being created between this guy's mom and his wife, and it's most likely going to fester and get worse and turn into a huge power play, and it's be one of those family things where it's like "well, she's going to be there so I dont want to go, well you have to come but she's not invited" and all that ridiculousness, when one stupid card and a 41 cent stamp could have avoided all of it. Of course her husband is never going to tell his own mother she's being ridiculous. the problem isn't with the son anyway. The MIL is not mad at the son. You can't expect him to play mediator all his life, as he's gonna get real sick of that pretty darn quick.

Hopefully it will just blow over, as it appears neither of these women is going to give, they both think they're right and they both want to "win."
It's already festered well beyond that point Larrylou. Her MIL is always in a power struggle. I mean, she even lied about sending a card that she never sent just to try to make her feel guilty. Her MIL is not innocent in this. I wish I could say it was all about a card, but I think KeltoKel knows it stems well beyond that. It is just another way for her MIL to try to manipulate a situation and play the victim. Again, correct me if I'm wrong KeltoKel.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 09:34 AM   #12
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

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Her MIL is always in a power struggle. I mean, she even lied about sending a card that she never sent just to try to make her feel guilty.
Well, I don't know if we know that for sure. It could in fact have gotten lost in the mail. Her lying is just the husband's speculation, and I have no idea what that's based on.

I'm not taking up for the MIL or taking sides at all really. All I'm saying is, it takes two people to keep a family feud going. Anyone in this situation has a choice, be the bigger person or help keep the feud going by spending the next 20 years stomping your feet and pointing your finger and saying "but SHE started it, but look at what SHE did..." If it's a problem than can easily be fixed with a 2 dollar card and a 41 cent stamp, and a conscious choice was made not to spend $2.41 and a walk to the mailbox, then something tells me it's not just the MIL, but KeltoKel as well that is caught up in a power play. It's no longer about a V-Day card. It's a matter of who's "right" and who will "win."

Now, I'm not taking any other past history into consideration, so if there's other information that might be germane, then hopefully KeltoKel will fill us in on this thread....

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-22-2008 at 09:39 AM.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 09:48 AM   #13
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

Thanks ladies. I know we all feel differently about this issue. When you think about it, Vday is about love. We tell our family members we love them every time we say good-bye on the telephone or see them in person. I don't need a holiday to tell me when I have to buy someone a card to tell them I love them.

I am not in the middle of this. My husband has no problems putting his mom in her place. He doesn't go starting trouble, but he also doesn't allow his mom to control our lives anymore. I found out this information from my sister-in-law.

Some background for those who are not aware - my MIL and I do not get along and she blames me for everything. She recently made a comment to my SIL that "Jeff was in my life for 27 years before he married Kelly..." She can't get used to the fact that her son is now married and has his own life. She is the same person who told my hubby that he would "have 2-3 wives in his life but only one set of parents."

I didn't send my own mother and step dad a vday card. I tell my mom every day that I love her over the phone. We talk daily and I think telling her this is more important than some card. Every time my DH hangs up the phone with his parents, he always tells them that he loves them.

Yes, we always send cards for birthday's, Easter, Christmas, etc. And we also do gifts.

But she lied and told my husband she sent out a card for our son and she didn't. We never got it. She didn't give any of us a Christmas card b/c she is ****** that we don't send cards on the holidays SHE thinks are important. Hey, she can do what she wants to my DH and I, but to take this out on our son is rotten.

I will stop here b/c I could go on forever. Thanks for listening.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 09:52 AM   #14
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I'm not taking up for the MIL or taking sides at all really. All I'm saying is, it takes two people to keep a family feud going. Anyone in this situation has a choice, be the bigger person or help keep the feud going by spending the next 20 years stomping your feet and pointing your finger and saying "but SHE started it, but look at what SHE did..." If it's a problem than can easily be fixed with a 2 dollar card and a 41 cent stamp, and a conscious choice was made not to spend $2.41 and a walk to the mailbox, then something tells me it's not just the MIL, but KeltoKel as well that is caught up in a power play. It's no longer about a V-Day card. It's a matter of who's "right" and who will "win."
I do understand what you are saying, however, it is not my job to send our inlaws a card - it is my husbands. Afterall, I don't expect my husband to buy cards for my family. If my mom was mad that I didn't send her a card, she wouldn't blame my husband.

So to go back to the beginning of this, everything that my husband DOESN'T do is seen as my fault in my MIL's eyes - b/c heaven forbid my husband make these decisions on his own.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 10:00 AM   #15
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Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?

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She is the same person who told my hubby that he would "have 2-3 wives in his life but only one set of parents."
Well, I surely dont' say this to upset you , and like I said, I'm not taking sides, but you have to admit, this is kind of true. With the divorce rate the way it is. But of course you don't see it or want to be told that it's true or could be true. It's just where I'm coming from. My family is everything to me and I love them fiercely. My brother's ex girlfriend lost a LOT of brownie points with me when she twisted his arm to not come to my parents' house for Christmas because my mother has an issue with hoarding and isn't able to stop, but is functional enough to know how bad it looks, and she's ashamed to have any 'outsiders' see her house. My brother's ex took it very very personally and forced him to not go at all for Christmas. what if that had been my parents' last Christmas? And they missed it with their oldest child over some little chippie who ended up dumping him 6 months later and who isn't even in his life at all anymore. And if my brother had married her, she would have been on my hate list for good because of that. You don't come into someone's family and start throwing your weight around and demanding and telling them how it's going to be from now on. Blood just has to be thicker than water. I just think it's sad when people feel they have to or they're supposed to turn their backs on their siblings and parents just because they get married and have kids.

I'm sorry your husband isn't as close to his parents now that he's married. Maybe they were bad parents and he couldn't wait to get away from them and now that he has his own family he wants to distance himself, I don't know, but of course you're going to take the blame for that. Well, I'm not sure what else to tell you. Hopefully the distance your husband has chosen to create between himself and his parents won't affect your lives too much.

 
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