I wondering what you guys think of V-day cards for parents/grandparents? Seems my mother in law (who is often causing problems) is ****** because she didn't get a V-day card from her son or grandson. Of course, this is MY fault! My son is 15 months and when he is old enough to scribble or make a card, then maybe she will get one. However, I don't see the big deal right now.
She said she sent my son a card but it never arrived in the mail. My husband thinks she is fibbing and is just mad b/c we didn't send her one. My husband used to send his parents a Vday card before we got married, but he sees it as something that he has outgrown since he now has his own family.
There isn't a right or wrong answer to this, but it is just another thing my mother in law makes a fuss over.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Well, personally I think Valentine's Day is one of those holidays where the only person you had better remember is your significant other. I mean, it's nice to send your parents and grandparents a little something, but I don't see it as mandatory. I can see where she'd be hurt, or where his parents would be hurt, if they used to get something from your husband but don't anymore, but certainly not something to make a stink over.
I personally don't give my parents or anyone else anything on valentines day because I just hate the day, though my parents give me a little rose and a card, and this year, I even warranted a stuffed animal. the sentiment was sweet but I could really have done without the reminder that the only people who care enough to give me anything on the dreaded V-day is my parents. Just makes me feel like a loser. So giving, getting, or not giving or getting anything for Valentine's day is always a bit of a mine field.
I wouldn't worry too much about it. If the old gal observes Easter, your hubby can send her a nice Easter card. Hopefully that will shut her up till next year. I mean, it's just a card and a stamp. Not much effort or time or money for the sake of keeping peace in the family.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Well I think that if he always used to send cards before he married you then MIL probably thinks you are some part of him not sending cards...not that he's matured and grown out of it. Personally I think it would be a very nice thing for your husband to continue sending his Mom V day cards...he only has one Mom. They have Valentine's card for Mothers. It probably hurt her feelings. On my last birthday, noone(except my husband of course) remembered my birthday...I got no calls or cards, I can't tell you how hurt I was...then as the days went by people began to realize they missed my birthday and e-mailed me...but my birthday was still ruined by noone remembering! People just get so caught up in their busy lives that they forget how good it makes someone feel to know they are remembered.
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My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Seriously, give me a break! Valentine's day is a ridiculous Hallmark Holiday that has nothing to do with anything except if you're in a relationship. They're the only people who are supposed to be celebrating that holiday, and ONLY if they really want to.
I think your MIL is being ridiculous and she needs to cut the apron strings. She has to accept the fact that her son is now married with his own family and he's not a little boy who has to make his mommy his priority anymore.
And FURTHERMORE, your husband is the one who should be telling her this, you shouldn't have to deal with this at all! She's not your mother causing the trouble, it's his mom! But in the meantime, what you should do is just blow her off. If she complains about it, change the subject or leave the room or whatever, but don't play that game with her. She's being a dork and you don't have to take that from her. You really don't! So just shut her down whenever she complains about it.
And I agree about the Easter card. That's a real holiday, for that you can send a nice card and hopefully that will shut her up. But Valentines isn't even a real holiday, for cripes sake! For her to get THIS bent out of shape about it just shows how weird she is. WEIRD, man!!!
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Well, the thing to keep in mind here is, it's not so much the holiday itself, that has little to do with it. It has to do with the fact that he used to do something sweet and thoughtful for his mom, and now that this "other woman" has come into her son's life, he no longer bothers. See it from her side. I can understand how she would feel ousted, dethrowned as it were. When you marry into a family, it's not always a good idea to come stampeding in and say "ok, I'M here now, you're no longer number one in your son's life, I AM!!! Like it or lump it old lady!!" Sometimes a little honey gets you a lot farther than vinegar. Give a little to get a little. If a little card and 41 cent stamp will shut her up, why not? Pick your battles with the MIL. If it were me and my husband no longer felt like sending her a card, I might even take it upon myself to put her on the mailing list to get a card from both of us if it means that much to her. Hey, she created and raised the love of your life, the man you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. She must have done something right.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-22-2008 at 08:27 AM.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
I still think you should only send cards on holidays that are relevant. I think making a big stink over a fake holiday is just lame. So what if he doesn't send her a card on a fake holiday? If he remembers her a few weeks later on Easter, then what's the big deal? He's still acknowledging her, just not on an inappropriate holiday that has nothing to do with the mother/son relationship. That's what I'm sayin.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan
I still think you should only send cards on holidays that are relevant. I think making a big stink over a fake holiday is just lame. So what if he doesn't send her a card on a fake holiday? If he remembers her a few weeks later on Easter, then what's the big deal? He's still acknowledging her, just not on an inappropriate holiday that has nothing to do with the mother/son relationship. That's what I'm sayin.
But here's what I'm saying - "relevant" to whom? Just because YOU consider it a fake, irrelevant holiday doesn't mean everyone else is required to. Sometimes in a marriage, in a family, you do things you don't want to do, you do things you may think are silly, lame or stupid, or even a waste, but you do them because it makes someone ELSE happy.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
But who's to say what "holidays" are important to whom? As far as I'm concerened...all the Christmas present buying is totally stupid but hey, that's just me and most people think it's extremely important but I don't buy anyone Christmas presents. To her it was special to get a V card from her son.
__________________
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
It was Valentines Day for crying out loud! It is nothing but a retail holiday that forces you into spending money to show your love for someone. Honestly, I could do without it. I don't need a special day for anyone to tell me they love me.
I agree with everything Kszan has to say on the matter. Let your husband tell her she is being ridiculous (if he so chooses) and you stay away from it. Why should you have to indulge her temper tantrum?
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28
It was Valentines Day for crying out loud! It is nothing but a retail holiday that forces you into spending money to show your love for someone. Honestly, I could do without it. I don't need a special day for anyone to tell me they love me.
I agree with everything Kszan has to say on the matter. Let your husband tell her she is being ridiculous (if he so chooses) and you stay away from it. Why should you have to indulge her temper tantrum?
Well, she shouldn't have to indulge anyone's temper tantrum, but this is really more than just a one time temper tantrum. It's wedge that's being created between this guy's mom and his wife, and it's most likely going to fester and get worse and turn into a huge power play, and it's be one of those family things where it's like "well, she's going to be there so I dont want to go, well you have to come but she's not invited" and all that ridiculousness, when one stupid card and a 41 cent stamp could have avoided all of it. Of course her husband is never going to tell his own mother she's being ridiculous. the problem isn't with the son anyway. The MIL is not mad at the son. You can't expect him to play mediator all his life, as he's gonna get real sick of that pretty darn quick.
Hopefully it will just blow over, as it appears neither of these women is going to give, they both think they're right and they both want to "win."
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-22-2008 at 09:21 AM.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom
Well, she shouldn't have to indulge anyone's temper tantrum, but this is really more than just a one time temper tantrum.
You're right, this is more than a one time temper tantrum. Her MIL is constantly causing problems. This is just another way for her to stick it to KeltoKel, IMO. Whenever she isn't happy she blames KeltoKel rather than talking to her son about it. I think her own son is pretty darn sick of dealing with her too. Correct me if I'm wrong KeltoKel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom
It's wedge that's being created between this guy's mom and his wife, and it's most likely going to fester and get worse and turn into a huge power play, and it's be one of those family things where it's like "well, she's going to be there so I dont want to go, well you have to come but she's not invited" and all that ridiculousness, when one stupid card and a 41 cent stamp could have avoided all of it. Of course her husband is never going to tell his own mother she's being ridiculous. the problem isn't with the son anyway. The MIL is not mad at the son. You can't expect him to play mediator all his life, as he's gonna get real sick of that pretty darn quick.
Hopefully it will just blow over, as it appears neither of these women is going to give, they both think they're right and they both want to "win."
It's already festered well beyond that point Larrylou. Her MIL is always in a power struggle. I mean, she even lied about sending a card that she never sent just to try to make her feel guilty. Her MIL is not innocent in this. I wish I could say it was all about a card, but I think KeltoKel knows it stems well beyond that. It is just another way for her MIL to try to manipulate a situation and play the victim. Again, correct me if I'm wrong KeltoKel.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28
Her MIL is always in a power struggle. I mean, she even lied about sending a card that she never sent just to try to make her feel guilty.
Well, I don't know if we know that for sure. It could in fact have gotten lost in the mail. Her lying is just the husband's speculation, and I have no idea what that's based on.
I'm not taking up for the MIL or taking sides at all really. All I'm saying is, it takes two people to keep a family feud going. Anyone in this situation has a choice, be the bigger person or help keep the feud going by spending the next 20 years stomping your feet and pointing your finger and saying "but SHE started it, but look at what SHE did..." If it's a problem than can easily be fixed with a 2 dollar card and a 41 cent stamp, and a conscious choice was made not to spend $2.41 and a walk to the mailbox, then something tells me it's not just the MIL, but KeltoKel as well that is caught up in a power play. It's no longer about a V-Day card. It's a matter of who's "right" and who will "win."
Now, I'm not taking any other past history into consideration, so if there's other information that might be germane, then hopefully KeltoKel will fill us in on this thread....
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-22-2008 at 09:39 AM.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Thanks ladies. I know we all feel differently about this issue. When you think about it, Vday is about love. We tell our family members we love them every time we say good-bye on the telephone or see them in person. I don't need a holiday to tell me when I have to buy someone a card to tell them I love them.
I am not in the middle of this. My husband has no problems putting his mom in her place. He doesn't go starting trouble, but he also doesn't allow his mom to control our lives anymore. I found out this information from my sister-in-law.
Some background for those who are not aware - my MIL and I do not get along and she blames me for everything. She recently made a comment to my SIL that "Jeff was in my life for 27 years before he married Kelly..." She can't get used to the fact that her son is now married and has his own life. She is the same person who told my hubby that he would "have 2-3 wives in his life but only one set of parents."
I didn't send my own mother and step dad a vday card. I tell my mom every day that I love her over the phone. We talk daily and I think telling her this is more important than some card. Every time my DH hangs up the phone with his parents, he always tells them that he loves them.
Yes, we always send cards for birthday's, Easter, Christmas, etc. And we also do gifts.
But she lied and told my husband she sent out a card for our son and she didn't. We never got it. She didn't give any of us a Christmas card b/c she is ****** that we don't send cards on the holidays SHE thinks are important. Hey, she can do what she wants to my DH and I, but to take this out on our son is rotten.
I will stop here b/c I could go on forever. Thanks for listening.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom
I'm not taking up for the MIL or taking sides at all really. All I'm saying is, it takes two people to keep a family feud going. Anyone in this situation has a choice, be the bigger person or help keep the feud going by spending the next 20 years stomping your feet and pointing your finger and saying "but SHE started it, but look at what SHE did..." If it's a problem than can easily be fixed with a 2 dollar card and a 41 cent stamp, and a conscious choice was made not to spend $2.41 and a walk to the mailbox, then something tells me it's not just the MIL, but KeltoKel as well that is caught up in a power play. It's no longer about a V-Day card. It's a matter of who's "right" and who will "win."
I do understand what you are saying, however, it is not my job to send our inlaws a card - it is my husbands. Afterall, I don't expect my husband to buy cards for my family. If my mom was mad that I didn't send her a card, she wouldn't blame my husband.
So to go back to the beginning of this, everything that my husband DOESN'T do is seen as my fault in my MIL's eyes - b/c heaven forbid my husband make these decisions on his own.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel
She is the same person who told my hubby that he would "have 2-3 wives in his life but only one set of parents."
Well, I surely dont' say this to upset you , and like I said, I'm not taking sides, but you have to admit, this is kind of true. With the divorce rate the way it is. But of course you don't see it or want to be told that it's true or could be true. It's just where I'm coming from. My family is everything to me and I love them fiercely. My brother's ex girlfriend lost a LOT of brownie points with me when she twisted his arm to not come to my parents' house for Christmas because my mother has an issue with hoarding and isn't able to stop, but is functional enough to know how bad it looks, and she's ashamed to have any 'outsiders' see her house. My brother's ex took it very very personally and forced him to not go at all for Christmas. what if that had been my parents' last Christmas? And they missed it with their oldest child over some little chippie who ended up dumping him 6 months later and who isn't even in his life at all anymore. And if my brother had married her, she would have been on my hate list for good because of that. You don't come into someone's family and start throwing your weight around and demanding and telling them how it's going to be from now on. Blood just has to be thicker than water. I just think it's sad when people feel they have to or they're supposed to turn their backs on their siblings and parents just because they get married and have kids.
I'm sorry your husband isn't as close to his parents now that he's married. Maybe they were bad parents and he couldn't wait to get away from them and now that he has his own family he wants to distance himself, I don't know, but of course you're going to take the blame for that. Well, I'm not sure what else to tell you. Hopefully the distance your husband has chosen to create between himself and his parents won't affect your lives too much.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom
Well, I surely dont' say this to upset you , and like I said, I'm not taking sides, but you have to admit, this is kind of true. With the divorce rate the way it is. But of course you don't see it or want to be told that it's true or could be true. It's just where I'm coming from. My family is everything to me and I love them fiercely. My brother's ex girlfriend lost a LOT of brownie points with me when she twisted his arm to not come to my parents' house for Christmas because my mother has an issue with hoarding and isn't able to stop, but is functional enough to know how bad it looks, and she's ashamed to have any 'outsiders' see her house. My brother's ex took it very very personally and forced him to not go at all for Christmas. what if that had been my parents' last Christmas? And they missed it with their oldest child over some little chippie who ended up dumping him 6 months later and who isn't even in his life at all anymore. And if my brother had married her, she would have been on my hate list for good because of that. You don't come into someone's family and start throwing your weight around and demanding and telling them how it's going to be from now on. Blood just has to be thicker than water. I just think it's sad when people feel they have to or they're supposed to turn their backs on their siblings and parents just because they get married and have kids.
Nope, sorry, you aren't upsetting me, but you are dead wrong about this. My mother would NEVER say that to me about my husband. She sees my DH as her son as well.
You give some great advice most of the time of these boards LLM, but you cannot justify a mother saying that to her son! I am sorry that you are anti relationships and don't feel like there is a person out there for you, but you don't go into a relationship thinking that it may end in divorce. And if 50% of couples get divorced, the other 50% stay married.
But none of this has anything to do with the original topic. Let's not start talking about whether or not to love our spouses more than our parents b/c "relationships MIGHT not last forever..." I don't live my life that way.
My husband has never turned his back on his parents. However, he does demand respect for his wife, b/c he married me and loves me. It doesn't mean he loves his mother any less, but she isn't #1 on his list anymore. And that is a good thing b/c it would have meant I married a momma's boy.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Yes Happymom, you hit the nail on the head. There is a history to this and since you also have children, you understand how it feels when things like this go against your child.
The card did not get lost in the mail, believe me. It was never sent. Even my husband has said that he is so tired of his mother lying all the time. She did it to spite us - but really, who is she hurting? She is being spiteful to a 15 month old child. HOW SICK!
But I stated it before, if I didn't send my mother a card and she was mad, she wouldn't blame it on my husband.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel
Nope, sorry, you aren't upsetting me, but you are dead wrong about this. My mother would NEVER say that to me about my husband. She sees my DH as her son as well.
Well like I said, it was certainly not my intention at all to upset you, so no need to be sorry. My point was merely that there are a lot of weird, strange family dynamics that go on, and no matter how well one may know their spounse, they may not know everything that went on in that family and why, and sometimes it might be best to step a bit lightly, like my brother's girlfriend DIDN'T. She was a nice lady for the most part, but she did handle that whole Christmas situation wrong. She caused a lot of tension in my family that didn't need to be there simply because she took something more personally and made something all about her more than she should have, and she really had no right to come into my family and start dictating how close and how much time my brother is supposed to spend with me and my parents. Of course his priority was her, and most of his free time went to her because that's the way HE wanted it and that's totally understandable, but she basically got a bug up her butt against my mother when she didn't have all the facts and didn't really know the full situation and she was wrong to have forced the issue the way she did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel
You give some great advice most of the time of these boards LLM, but you cannot justify a mother saying that to her son! I am sorry that you are anti relationships and don't feel like there is a person out there for you, but you don't go into a relationship thinking that it may end in divorce. And if 50% of couples get divorced, the other 50% stay married..
If you've read my posts you know I'm not anti relationship at all. There's no greater blessing in the whole world than a good marriage with a loving, loyal, trustworthy companion. And of course it is totally pointless to go into a marriage thinking it will fail. The ideal situation I think, though, in a perfect world, of course in which none of us lives, but in a perfect world, one can marry and have a family of their own and still stay as close to their siblings and parents as they ever were. I mean, I'm just looking at it from the other side. I do little things for my mom and I can't imagine not doing them anymore just because I get married. I mean, she's still my mom, isn't she? I imagine if I did stop doing them, she'd be very hurt. I'd rather smack myself upside the head than purposely do something I knew was going to hurt my mom, UNLESS of course something had happened to change the dynamic of our relationship, like if she hated the man I married for no good reason, which could be the situation you're talking about, I don't know. At the time the information you gave in your initial post didn't really seem to quite point that way, but I could be wrong. I think the comment by your MIL may have come out sounding harsher than perhaps she meant it. Again, I don't know her and I could be off base here, but I think she was just saying that family doesn't stop being family just because someone gets married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel
My husband has never turned his back on his parents. However, he does demand respect for his wife, b/c he married me and loves me. It doesn't mean he loves his mother any less, but she isn't #1 on his list anymore. And that is a good thing b/c it would have meant I married a momma's boy.
Of course your husband should demand respect for you and stand by your side. It's only natural for people to make their spouses and children a priority. I guess I'm just unclear as to why he felt he just "outgrew" little gestures to his mom. That seems to be where the whole misunderstanding started, and all I'm saying is I can kind of see why his mom would be confused and hurt over why he suddenly just didn't want to acknowledge something he always used to. No, she's not his number one priority anymore, but she's still his mom, right? I can understand him not giving her like, a macaroni jewlery box for mother's day anymore, or the stuff that we give our moms when we're kids and we usually stop once we get out of elementary school. But that' not quite the same thing as a store bought card that he always used to give her and then suddenly stopped when he met/married you. I'm sure there's more to it than that, I don't know, I'm just looking at it from another side, that's all. I just don't get what's so horrible about her being hurt about a little tradition that used to be a part of their relationship suddenly stops when I can't see any real reason for it to. It's not like it takes him far from home for a whole day, or costs tons and tons of money that he needs for you or the kids. I would never want any son of mine to be a mamma's boy, I would consider myself a total failure as a parent if I raised a mamma's boy, but just looking at this ISOLATED issue here, I gotta say, I can sort of understand where your MIL is coming from. I'm just looking at all angles, that's all. No need to get upset or defensive with me. I'm not attacking you at all. I guess my main point, or my main question is, it's just a little card, a 41 cent stamp and a walk to the mail box. What's the big deal if it keeps the old woman happy and keeps her off your back? But you are right that it is mainly your husband's responsibility and it's unfortunate that you are taking thr brunt of something he has decided to do or not to do.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-22-2008 at 12:55 PM.
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
LLM, all I can say to sum this up as best as I can is this -
My husband has said many times that he "loves his mother but doesn't like her..." Many people feel this way about her. The woman is very selfish. She refuses to drive and see her only grandson, and she tells my husband and I when we have to travel to see her. Well, if you have kids then you certainly understand what it is like to travel with a child - NOT FUN! She is retired and sits in a chair all day. Time is on her side, but she expect us to cater to her.
We didn't visit the exact day she wanted us to come for Christmas, so she told us not to come AT ALL. That was when my DH really had it out with her.
I can't even go into detail all the good my husband has done for his parents. He is so good to his parents, but he does feel that it has made his mother expect more out of him because of his generosity. She used to do his taxes (she was an accountant) and we had to stop allowing her to do it b/c she then knew how much my husband made a year. Well, she started making comments like, "I would like a dishwasher for Christmas...you can afford it..." Before my husband and I were married, he bought his parents a $700 queen mattress set. He co-signed their mortgage when they moved into a smaller house b/c their credit to so bad from my MIL's debt. His signing helped them get a lower interest rate. Common...these are BIG things you do for a parent! But now that my DH is married with his own family, he can't do these things. We have our own mortgage and need to plan for our future.
To be honest, my husband is really a great man. He is this way b/c of his father. We all have a soft spot in our hearts for my FIL. He is 78 years old and my MIL is 60. She bosses him around like you wouldn't believe, but he is so broken down from all the years of it that I think it doesn't even phase him. He has a secret membership to the local VFW and goes there once a week to drink and my MIL doesn't know about it.
I could say so many negative things about my MIL, but that isn't the point of this post. She is a person who constantly causes problems and has rifts with people. Thank goodness she lives 5 hours away!
Re: Valentine's Day Cards for Parents/Grandparents?
Well that's really too bad she's chosen to be such a handful. Sounds like your husband has just plum gotten sick and tired of it, and like I said, has made the decision to pull back and just not be as accessible or available to her, and to her, it feels like him turning his back on her. Unfortunately, what it boils down to really, is - she is who she is, always has been, always will be, and there isn't anything you can do to change that. I guess all you can really do is develop a thick skin and just not be bothered at all when your SIL reports that she's upset again about something, or as they say "be the change you want to see" in this situation, though that would be mighty tricky to figure out, and probably would take more energy that it would be worth.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-23-2008 at 04:47 AM.
the sentiment was sweet but I could really have done without the reminder that the only people who care enough to give me anything on the dreaded V-day is my parents. Just makes me feel like a loser. So giving, getting, or not giving or getting anything for Valentine's day is always a bit of a mine field.
