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Old 03-01-2008, 05:33 PM   #1
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Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

Hi everyone. I am pretty new here and looking for your advice/suggestions/comments

A little background:

I have been with my bf for 2 years now. I came on board this relationship with serious self esteem / psychological issues due to sexual abuse I had as a child. They are painful to deal with, difficult to get a grip on and will take years of patience on my behalf to correct. My bf was made aware of this and has dealt with my self esteem 'issues' i suppose as best he could for the past few years.

Now, knowing that I have self esteem/self hatred/body image issues - why would he openly talk about how 'hot' all these other women are (porn stars, movie stars, girls out at the club) when he *knows* how much it hurts me. How inferior I feel. I have vocalized it, we have discussed it, gotten into arguments about it, etc. He knows where I stand but still he does it over and over again.

My issues with my own self worth and esteem are deeply ingrained. I have been seeing a counsellor for about 18 months and it is a very long, slow process. Would all men be this disrepectful to their ladies? Is it wrong of me to feel this way and say how I feel?

He tells me that my self loathing isnt sexy and if I had self esteem I wouldnt feel uncomfortable with his looking at porn or oogling other women.

I guess my point is this: I do not look like a movie star or a porn star. In fact, I am the complete antethesis of one of these people. I am average looking, average size, unexecptional. I am simply ordinary.

When he tells me his 'dream girl' is SO hot and is a size 2 blonde with DD breasts, how am I supposed to feel? If I am not his 'dream' girl - a hard working, kind hearted, generous woman - then perhaps he is more shallow than I thought.

Am I way out of line or should I expect a certain level of sensitivity considering he is aware of my deep seeded issues I am sincerely trying my best to work on?

What do you think?

 
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Old 03-01-2008, 05:52 PM   #2
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

He is insensitive, selfish, immature and completely inconsiderate. If you stay with him, his treatment is going to get worse with time, not better. This is an issue that only one discussion should fix, if it was to ever come up at all. He's a loser, and you can do waaaay better! You'll know you're with the right guy when you'll feel like a super model in his presence. There is nothing left for you in this relationship. Please love yourself enough to get out!

All that time you spend with your counselor is being completely undone by your insensitive boyfriend. I can't see you making any progress with that jerk bringing you down like that. Moving on from the relationship will be the best gift you could possibly give yourself.

Last edited by Mod08; 03-01-2008 at 09:03 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2008, 06:54 PM   #3
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

Hi Littlebluegirl,

I am really sorry for the situtation you are currently going through. I can't tell you what to do and my words of advice, is just that, advice. You will do as you wish either way.

What I can tell you is that nothing is more important than loving yourself. I don't know what happened to you in the past but for certain it was nothing you did nor was it your fault.

If your bf cannot help be apart of your recovery, then he doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. You, health, happy, and secure with yourself is what is important here. You need to be able to focus on yourself and what is in the best interest for getting yourself whole so you can have a healthy relationship.

Take care and I wish you the best of luck!!!

~M~

 
Old 03-01-2008, 07:06 PM   #4
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

Your boyfriend is extremely shallow and quite frankly, just not that into you. He's told you plain out that you are not his dream girl. Every girl deserves at least once in her life to be with someone who looks at her and truly believes she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

This guy is a selfish lout, and he thinks he's hit the mother load in you. He thinks he's found a girl he can walk all over, treat like garbage and then make her feel like it's all her fault. don't fall for it. You have every right to expect your boyfriend's eyes to be only on you when you go out, for him to make you feel beautiful and desirable in bed, etc. If he doesn't, he's not the right guy for you. As hard as it will be, you'll be doing yourself a huge favor if you tell him to go find a tiny size 2 blond with double D's and wish him luck and move on with your life without this guy trying to constantly drill into your head how inadequate you are. If he thinks your self loathing is unattractive, then show him just how attractive you can be and dump his sorry butt.

I've been there. I had low self esteem and a low self image and I put up with a guy who openly ogled other women and made comments about them and was telling me how hot someone else was. He tried to tell me I was insecure for being bothered by it, but the only way I was insecure was by not demanding more for myself from the getgo. I will never again put up with a man making me feel like number two in his life, and if he finds someone else all that attractive, then he's welcome to go get her. I know I deserve someone who only has eyes for me, and I won't ever again settle for less. Life's too short.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-01-2008 at 07:09 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2008, 08:41 PM   #5
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

He really sounds like a pig. Knowing what you went through, he should be way more sympathetic toward you. I don't see any reason why you should even consider continuing this relationship. For your own sake, you really need to get rid of this pig of a guy.

 
Old 03-01-2008, 09:36 PM   #6
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

Its you. Are you like nuts? or do you just enjoy guys that are just a little touched in the head? I have read your past posts and I have to say if you have revealed yourself to this nut case that says: '... he has a strong affinity for transexual pornography'. then you must be just fooling yourself that this guy is going to help you in any way. He knows what he is doing ...pretty much not normal kinds of things and you are going to have be a bit more kinky to keep up with him and if you are actually looking for a nice normal relationship with a loving partner then pack your bags and get the heck out of there. You mean nothing to this guy and if he can make you feel bad then he will...it makes himself feel superior. I am guessing he prays on gals/guys with low self esteem. You have been with him for two years and I sense you think this is normal?...it is not...and it never will be so stay and be humiliated or move on. Good luck...and by the way you need to change your name to something more positive.

 
Old 03-02-2008, 06:19 AM   #7
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

You are responsible for your own self-esteem, and a main part of this responsibility is to stop making yourself available to abusers. Leave this guy, and respect yourself enough to avoid hooking up with men who do not respect you. In spite of your opinion that you deserve this stuff, you do not..nobody does. Demand respect from others and then maybe you can give it to yourself.

 
Old 03-02-2008, 06:23 AM   #8
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

You are not his dream girl and you never will be. So why are you still with him? And is your dream guy someone who treats you like crap? You should leave him you have absolutely nothing to lose.

 
Old 03-02-2008, 06:32 AM   #9
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleBlueGirl View Post
I guess my point is this: I do not look like a movie star or a porn star. In fact, I am the complete antethesis of one of these people. I am average looking, average size, unexecptional. I am simply ordinary.
So you're saying that you are normal!

Quote:
When he tells me his 'dream girl' is SO hot and is a size 2 blonde with DD breasts, how am I supposed to feel? If I am not his 'dream' girl - a hard working, kind hearted, generous woman - then perhaps he is more shallow than I thought
Tell him good luck getting Pam Anderson to notice him...HAHAHA!
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Old 03-02-2008, 07:54 AM   #10
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

A size 2 with DD breast is not an easy dream girl to come by. Tell him good luck hunting......on your way out the door of course!

Mileema

 
Old 03-02-2008, 08:00 AM   #11
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

I am sorry about your past, and I hope that you find the strength to put it behind you soon.

Now projecting your low self-image is YOUR mistake. Now this particular guy you are with IS a loser, but I will tell you honestly that no man will fall in love with a woman who does not love herself. I personally find it extremely hard to love someone who constantly voices his hatred for the way he looks.

You should definitely make move but you are making it harder for yourself to move on: 1. because you don't think much of yourself and 2. becasue you will lower your chances of finding a man by dwelling on negatives.

You don't have to be a sexy blond to be attractive. However you can enhance your beautiful features, for YOU and not for this loser, or any man. Have a nice haircut/colour, wear high heeled shoes when you can, buy some new cloths, your favourite perfume, a good bra, whatever makes you feel more confident.

Talking about your insecurities is also important, but choose the right listener- one you can confide in and who can help you overcome them. A counsellor, a close friend...not a jerk who feeds on them

Last edited by Nina000; 03-03-2008 at 02:18 PM.

 
Old 03-02-2008, 11:39 AM   #12
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

It is hard to have good self-esteem when you are around someone who makes these comments about other women. It is totally unexceptable for him to say any of those things and I would be leaving him in the dust. I can understand why you are feeling this way and this is not your fault. I do not think guys like this change, they always think there is someone better looking or a nicer body, etc. I would set my time on finding someone who appreciates you for you. Someday he will wake up old and alone!

 
Old 03-03-2008, 11:08 AM   #13
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

Little Blue Girl,

I haven’t read any of your previous threads nor do I know the whole story between you and your boyfriend but I have to be frank, it sounds to me like your boyfriends very immature and inconsiderate. It also sounds as if you are both pretty young in age and you have your priorities all wrong.
I too was abused as a child and saw a counselor for four years. Still till this day, I am able to recognize how my past has affected me. I understand now why I spent six years with someone who abused me. Why I had a baby at 17. I understand why I don’t trust and also my insecurities. Because that is normal to you and you have never had better. You deserve to give yourself the opportunity to be truly happy.
I’m not telling you to leave him and find someone to MAKE you happy because you have to give yourself time to heal. The way that I try to look at what happened to me is a learning experience.
As of now, I am dating a great guy that I feel comfortable enough to talk to freely and I’m finding myself less insecure because I feel like I can trust him and he actually understands and appreciates me.
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Old 03-03-2008, 01:53 PM   #14
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleBlueGirl View Post
When he tells me his 'dream girl' is SO hot and is a size 2 blonde with DD breasts, how am I supposed to feel? If I am not his 'dream' girl - a hard working, kind hearted, generous woman - then perhaps he is more shallow than I thought.

Am I way out of line or should I expect a certain level of sensitivity considering he is aware of my deep seeded issues I am sincerely trying my best to work on?

What do you think?
I only read your original post so I'm sorry if I repeat anything.

What would I do? I would break up with this insensitive jerk and be single for a while. You need to work on your issues without being in a relationship. If you don't love yourself you can't expect anyone else to love you. Once you love yourself you will demand the respect you deserve and you won't tolerate that unacceptable behavior from ANYONE.

I am very sorry about your past and I think it is wonderful that you are in therapy and trying to get past things. Give it a little more time. You have your whole life ahead of you to find love. Take care of you first!

 
Old 03-03-2008, 03:29 PM   #15
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Re: Is it me or is it him? Other women & self esteem...

I still feel this has more to do with him RESPECTING you and not so much about your self esteem. When you are always hearing comments about other women, he is the one with the problem. Still think you should leave him and start making yourself happy. He has no clue how to treat you.

 
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