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Old 03-04-2008, 08:23 AM   #1
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I don't really know where we stand

For those who don't know... I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. There is no question that I love him. I have been here for him through everything! There were times that I stayed when I should have left. He has come such a long way. I am really proud of him but I dont really see us going to the next level. He is not there... not yet anyways. I just dont really know where this is going. It's almost gotten comfortable if that makes any sense.

I love cooking for him. I love doing nice things for him. I love it when we go out on dates and spend time together but at the same time I feel like there is something missing. I just feel really confused.

I am also getting frustrated about his financial situation. We are both young and as I have addressed in the past, Im about to start college. We are both on our own with no financial support from anybody. I feel like Im the guy and he is the girl! I help pay for his bills and I pay all of mine. That is irritating to me. I dont remember when he has taken me out and actually paid for it (i just got my taxes done so... it doesnt make sense for me not to pay when he doesnt need to!) How do I say this? I am independent and I love doing things on my own - having said that, I still want him to be a guy and pay for stuff! My mom and dad both had jobs but he would treat her to the spa, get her nails done, hair done etc. i understand that my father was/ IS in a different financial point from us... but still! I added all his bills and it doesnt make any sense that I still have to help! With what he makes and how much he pays - he has enough left to pay my side of the rent, my car payment and take me out to eat! I feel like since I have always volunteered to help, he has gotten used to it.

I am wanting to go back to school - therefore it is my goal to get my car paid off. So i was thinking of getting a part time job - having said that - he doesnt want me to and shoots down all my ideas! I got so irritated I snapped at him and told him that the day he starts helping pay my bills is the day he can have a say so about me having a part time job!

When we first started dating, the main problem was how controlling and insecure he was. He still has some issues from time to time but its very manageable. who doesnt? Everybody does have some level of insecurity. Now, the problem is... im having a hard time explaining this. I am the guy! I want to be put on a pedestal - WHY AM I PAYING HIS BILLS????? WHY IS HE ALWAYS SHORT OF MONEY? WHEN HE NEEDS MONEY - HE NEVER PAYS ME BACK - I DONT FEEL LIKE I NEED TO ASK! I personally think its common sense to pay me back if not pay one of my bills to compensate for it. But when I owe him money, i have to give it back or pay for his bills to make up for it.

we do love each other but i also believe that we have both gotten comfortable. comfortable that we have a nice place to live because we both can afford it. comfortable with what we both offer to each other. am i just confused. a part of me feels like I need to live on my own and figure ths whole thng out. to break the lease, I have to pay 2000! i dont really know what the problem is... i just feel really irritated right now.

There is just so many ways to look at our situation. He has a child, an unstable ex, dangling in the wind and it just out there. I dont have any of that - In fact Im pretty set on what i want to do. does this mean because we are different - I should move on?

 
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Old 03-04-2008, 08:51 AM   #2
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

Hey there. I know that he is your boyfriend and I know that you love him, but it kind of sounds like he is...using you. He has the money to support himself but continues to let you take care of some of bills? Does he pay child support to his ex? I know it sounds sexist but I really don't think I could respect a guy who let me pay his way or take care of him. Why don't you just STOP paying his bills?

I'm not you and I'm not in your shoes, but I can't figure out what you are even still doing with this guy. It is awesome that you are so independent, you don't need to help carry some guy.
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Old 03-04-2008, 08:59 AM   #3
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

being different isn't the reason you should move on......
there are so many more important reasons why you should move on.
what do you want to hear? I think you've already been given plenty of reasons why this relationship is a bad idea.....why are you still in it?

 
Old 03-04-2008, 09:01 AM   #4
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

I agree with GypsyArcher, it sounds like he is using you. I think you are right, you are both simply "comfortable" with each other. You are not happy, he is still trying to control you and is draining you financially. What exactly are you getting from this? Take your independence and go. Something is definately missing, respect. I know you love him, but are you in love with him? Can you imagine spending every day for the rest of your life like this? I didn't think so. It is time for you to move on and live your life without without him.

 
Old 03-04-2008, 09:04 AM   #5
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

Yes move on.

 
Old 03-04-2008, 09:04 AM   #6
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

All of what you talked about sounds like stuff that can be sorted out together. All couples get to a comfortable/routine stage. I think the comfortableness is only a problem if it is stagnant and stays that way for years, like together for 8 years but no sign of an engagement ring! Then maybe it's a sign of staying together out of convenience. Do you want a future with him? Do you see marriage and a family down the road? Not being ready is different than not seeing it with a person. Two years together is a long time, but also still very short considering the big picture.

Just because you're different does not mean that you should move on. Differences in personalities sometimes help keep relationships together.. opposites attract. Differences in beliefs and morals and goals on other hand can cause more important problems.

You and your boyfriend should sit down together and figure out your bills. Figure out what he is spending his "extra" money on that causes you to lend him unpaid loans. Tell him that when one borrows money from the other, they have to either pay it back, or put the money towards something that covers the money owed, like a bill or groceries. You're not his mother, you shouldn't be giving him an allowance and vice versa. You need to set financial guidelines.

People in relationships still have their own lives. If you want to go to school, then go.. and if you need a part time job to make that happen.. then that's what you've got to do. I agree that he can't tell you want to do unless he generously pays for your car!

I think these things you're talking about seem like a bigger issue b/c you've let it build up and haven't really talked to him about it. Is that at all true, have you really sat down and discussed this maturely with him? If not, you need to.

Throwing an ex and a kid in the mix does make your relationship a bit more complicated. But it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. You've been with him for two yrs, so unless he cheated in that time frame and the baby was born during this 2 yrs, then you should have had the time to adjust to and think about being a step-mother figure to his child. IF that's not something you're ready for, then I don't think anyone would blame you for hesitating to continue the relationship. I stopped dating a guy once I found out he had a 6 yr old. I was about 22 at the time.. and it was just not something I was ready to get involved with. But 2 years in, you should have a good idea if its something you want or not.

I think all these "problems" can be worked out. So it's up to you if you want to work through them or not. If you love your boyfriend and want and see a future with him, then I see no reason why you should give up on the relationship.

 
Old 03-04-2008, 09:06 AM   #7
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

Leave him, he has no say in what you choose to do with your life - especially somthing productive such as getting another job! this guy sounds like a complete moron and he should be left maybe then he will start to grow up a little for heavens sake

 
Old 03-04-2008, 11:53 AM   #8
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

Oh Hazel eyes,

You shouldn’t have to get another job…you work hard for your money and you shouldn’t be obligated to pay the majority of the bills. Could he possibly have an addiction…drugs/strip clubs/gambling? I understand that you are independent and you like the feeling of ‘family’ but, you really do not deserve being degraded. You are your own individual person and you have hopes and dreams that you should not have to put on hold.
I know that you love Sadie and your bf but, this just doesn’t sound like an equal partnership to me.
You should sit down with him and talk about this because it sounds like he wants you around for all the wrong reasons. You take care of Sadie, pay his bills, give him what he needs in the bedroom….gosh Hun, you can only do so much.
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Old 03-04-2008, 12:31 PM   #9
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

That was an eye opener when you put it that way JulJul22. I'm pretty sure he doesnt have an addiction - I know he eats out for lunch a lot! He gave me access to his bank account since it so much easier loggin on to his bank and transferring money from his to mine. We always use debit cards - which is a bad habit. We never carry cash. He pretty much expects me to take care of all the bill paying. I keep track when and what is due. He injured his wrist one time and had to be out for 2 days. Worker's comp doesnt kick in until after 10 days so... somebody had to spot him since he wasnt making any money on those 2 days. It was so much easier transferring money rather than reminding him and him having to go to the ATM for me to deposit into my bank.

From what I see, the number match up. He hasnt really been working his full hours. There is always something happening. He just started working for BMW - so all the holidays - he did not get paid for that. Christmas and New Year's - it was not a good time to off of work without pay. I know he doesnt go to strip clubs. As crazy as it sounds, he loves to call me during the day and when he gets off of work to talk about our day. The problem with him is he never wants to do anything.

When we first started dating, it was all about me. He would have a fit if I tried to pay for my meal or whatever. EVERYTHING he paid for. I dented my dad's Audi and to fix that it was 600 bucks - he paid for that. He still does nice things for me. He will come home and bring me flowers and cute little cards. I just feel a little frustrated lately. Right now, I have invested all my taxes in credit card bills, car payments etc. It's pretty much gone. We had to pay rent last week. I had my share and he was 36% short so I had to cover for it. His brother's wife is having a baby shower this Saturday, so I was at target going through the registry. He starts hinting that he needs a tennis racket and a glove since he is about to start coaching these kids. That is all fine and good but I dont want to feel obligated paying for this. How can I say... when he sees me paying for something, and he is not in a position to purchase what he wants for whatever reason - he will ask me to do it.

Just when he started with BMW, he did not get paid for 10-12 days. When you work full time and have all the benefits, they give you 2 weeks off for Christmas. He just started so he did not get those benefits - you dont get 2 weeks off until you have been there for 90 days. He was in the so called "trial" period. So Christmas time, BILLS, presents, more BILLS was still coming in as Im sure everybody knows. I was STRAINED! I had to borrow money from my boss and everything. He started working again the week of January and believe me, things just started getting back to its routine. Now, he didnt have money. Not really anyways. We were out grocery shopping and he starts wanting me to buy him a damn protein shake!!! I was livid! Why are you asking for a protein shake when you just have been out for 2 weeks without pay, I had to spot for most things and we are still on a tight budget for groceries! THAT MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Now, I feel like in a sense I have created a monster. Now it seems like he thinks I dont mind that he doesnt step up to the plate since I have been there for him in the past to help out. I dont mind a hands up... but I do mind a hand down.

I have also realized something really important. If me and him went out separate ways, I know and I can look at him and say... I will be okay. I love myself enough to know that time may change us to bring us closer or it may take us our own separate ways. He is on the other hand, he will tell you that is the end of him. He cannot live without me. The roof is caving in. I sometimes wonder if he wants me around because he is afraid to be alone. To sleep alone. To come back to a house that is empty. To not have that support - and if that is the case, I dont want to be a crutch.

Last edited by Hazel_Eyes; 03-04-2008 at 12:35 PM.

 
Old 03-04-2008, 01:19 PM   #10
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

I understand the whole car dealership thing as I too work for an automobile dealership but in no way does that mean that it’s your responsibility pick up whatever it is that he’s dropped. He has to understand that there are consequences to his actions and he can not always have someone cover for him. I’m sure that he does do nice things for you sometimes but buying you flowers and nice cards doesn’t replace all your money that you are spending on his debt.

I’m not going to go right out and say that he’s using you but, I think that he is defiantly taking advantage of you. You should really sit down and have a talk with him. This is a big risk that you have taken and it’s scary to think that you will be alone again, from both parties, but sometimes people need to know what their missing in order to fully understand the importance and appreciation what they have.

Is he a procrastinator? He need to take responsibility for his own actions and truly get the message that time is passing by and you’re not just going to sit around and watch from the side lines. I’m sorry that you are going through this as I know that it’s not as easy as it sounds to just up and leave as you have a great deal of responsibility to them but try talking to him and make him understand that you mean business.
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Old 03-04-2008, 01:29 PM   #11
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

I will JulJul22. In fact, we will have that talk tonight. You are right, he does nice things for me. Having said that, it does not make up for all the money that I have spent on HIS debt. Thanks girl.

 
Old 03-05-2008, 09:57 AM   #12
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Re: I don't really know where we stand

Paying his debt isn't fair to you.. that's why you need to help him set a budget so he learns how to better manage his money.

 
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