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Old 03-08-2008, 10:00 PM   #1
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Marie21 HB User
Will he propose?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. It will be six this September. He is 36 and I am going to soon be 27.

We have talked about getting married... and he has said that he wants to marry me, however, he has not yet produced a ring. If I bring it up, he says that we are engaged because he told me that we talked about it.

I say that we are not really engaged untill he proposes with a ring. It isn't like he can't afford one.. and I have told him that I don't need an expensive one. He has a really good job right now and is living with his parents... so he doesn't have to pay rent. He also just bought a new truck and he spent $600.00 on this scooter that looks like a motorcycle. He said that it was a really good deal and he can sell it for more than it is worth. However, I feel like this is money that he could have put toward a ring.

When I bring up the subject, he will say that he doesn't want to get married unless I finish school and get a good paying job. I am in my last semester at school, and then I have to do an internship. I'm going to finish school, but I don't know if I will be able to find a good job in the area, because it is a really small town with very few good jobs. I kind of bothers me that he said this because his job could support us comfortably..... I am going to finish school and I am going to get a job, but this puts a lot of pressure on me. I feel that is he loves me, he should want to marry me reguardless......

I can understand not getting married while I am in school, but why can't we get engaged?

I know that he is trying to save up $ to build a house and that is good... but I would like to know where I stand in this relationship! If he isn't going to propose, I would like to know because I am going to do my summer internship out of town, instead of here. I love him, but if he isn't going to commit, I want to move on with my life.

I guess maybe I need a guys perspective. Any ideas as to why he is dragging his feet?

I have waited for so long, Is it wrong of me to want to know if this relationship is going in that direction? I don't want to just date him forever.

Any comments or suggestions? Also, sorry for any spelling errors.... it is not my strong point!

 
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Old 03-08-2008, 10:22 PM   #2
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cmpgirl HB User
Re: Will he propose?

Hey Marie:

Sorry you're going through this. Based on what you've written, I would like to ask a few questions, if you don't mind answering.

Has he ever been married before? At 36, to be living at home w/his parents, it just made me wonder.

When you "talked about marriage" did he seem really enthused or did you get the feeling he was just trying to get you to stop asking?

Did you ask him why he wants you to graduate and get a good paying job before he can consider getting engaged?

And finally, is he the really attentive type or does he spend more time with his friends than with you?

I'm just asking, because it will give me a littlle more insight as to what kind of guy he is.

Post back and let me know, if you feel comfortable about answering any or all of these questions. cmpgirl

 
Old 03-09-2008, 06:17 AM   #3
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Re: Will he propose?

Just off the top of my head and my opinion:

36 years old and living at home is more than odd, you say he has a good paying job so could afford to move out....I say he wants to stay with Mommy, and it looks like no matter what you do or how you act this man is not going to commit. I say move on and do it now before you are 36 and still waiting.

Mileena

 
Old 03-09-2008, 09:05 AM   #4
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Re: Will he propose?

Well, I could see him living with his folks if he had gotten laid off or lost his job and was having a hard time finding another one or was just recently divorced, paying heavy alimony and attorneys fees and had a kid to help support, but it doesn't sound like any of this is the case, unless you left some out some important facts.

It kind of sounds like he just doesn't want to grow up. And please don't fall for that "we're engaged because we talked about it" nonsense. When a man WANTS to put his ring on your finger and make you his, that's what he does. When a man WANTS to marry you, he asks you. When a man WANTS to live with you, that's what he does. With all respect, I think you're wasting your time with this one.

 
Old 03-09-2008, 10:46 AM   #5
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Re: Will he propose?

Honestly, it sounds like he is just making excuses to keep himself comfortable. Being a 36 year old man with a good paying job one would think he would like to get out on his own and grow up. But why bother when you don't have to pay rent, your parents let you live like an overgrown teenager, and you have a girlfriend who seems okay with it all.

Right now he is telling you that he waiting for you to graduate and get a good paying job. In a couple of years it will be something else (like he wants to pay cash for the house he wants to build). If he wanted to marry you he would at least give you a proper proposal and discuss setting a date, even if it 2 years down the road.

If I were you I would have a very serious discussion about what you want out of your relationship with him. After 5 and a half years you deserve to know if you are wasting your time with him or not. However, be prepared with what you are going to do if you don't like his answer. Only you can decide if you have had enough, but I think most women in your position would be pretty irritated by now.

 
Old 03-09-2008, 11:21 AM   #6
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Re: Will he propose?

Take it from me, you don't want to get involved with a guy who, at 36, still lives with mommy and daddy. That is the epitome of immaturity for a guy who has a good paying job as you claim he does. What's his deal? Has he ever lived on his own? If he has never lived on his own, then trust me you don't want to marry this guy. A guy who is 36 and lives with his parents is just bad, bad news. He'll be transferring all of his mommy issues to you and expect you to take on the mom role, and that's just going to suck for you.

 
Old 03-09-2008, 11:26 AM   #7
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Re: Will he propose?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmpgirl View Post
Hey Marie:

Sorry you're going through this. Based on what you've written, I would like to ask a few questions, if you don't mind answering.

Has he ever been married before? At 36, to be living at home w/his parents, it just made me wonder.

When you "talked about marriage" did he seem really enthused or did you get the feeling he was just trying to get you to stop asking?

Did you ask him why he wants you to graduate and get a good paying job before he can consider getting engaged?

And finally, is he the really attentive type or does he spend more time with his friends than with you?

I'm just asking, because it will give me a littlle more insight as to what kind of guy he is.

Post back and let me know, if you feel comfortable about answering any or all of these questions. cmpgirl

Hey! Thanks for the reply!

No, he has never been married before. He did live on his own before I met him, but when he moved back to the area he moved in with his parents and has yet to leave.

When we talk about getting married, sometimes he seems like he wants to and other times he all like, "I don't want to talk about this now." So he is hard to read.

He says that he wants me to graduate b4 we get married because I can get more financial aid $ if I am single and on my own. Also, he says that he wants us to be able to have "nice things" and that is why he wants me to have a good job. I want all this too, but It wouldn't stop me from getting married. Also, I dont know what his definition of a good paying job is?

Also, I feel that we don't spend enough time together. He has gotten way better, but I feel that he spends more time with his friends than with me. Well, I really felt this way when we first started to date, he does spend more time with me now, and less time with them.

Well thanks! Any more input would be great!

 
Old 03-09-2008, 11:30 AM   #8
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Re: Will he propose?

Quote:
When I bring up the subject, he will say that he doesn't want to get married unless I finish school and get a good paying job. I am in my last semester at school, and then I have to do an internship. I'm going to finish school, but I don't know if I will be able to find a good job in the area, because it is a really small town with very few good jobs. I kind of bothers me that he said this because his job could support us comfortably.....
Well, it sounds like he doesn't want to be responsible for taking care of you and wants to make sure you will be pulling your own weight financially. Why is it that you think that he should support you just because he has a good job?

It seems like he doesn't want to marry someone who is just going to be a housewife...he wants you to hold your own, and he wants to make sure you are steady on your feet before you join your lives together.

Although everyone else seems to think it's odd, but I don't see the big deal with him still living at home. Perhaps he is really close to his family. Plus, everything is SO expensive these days that living out on your own can really drain you. He is saving up to build a house and he has a good job...he is not a slacker. I think he actually sounds very ambitious, and he wants to be sure his future wife is ambitious, too.

If you don't want to wait in limbo any longer, then why don't you propose to him? If he doesn't want to lose you then I think he would accept it, but if he doesn't and still says that the engagement should wait...then maybe you should go and do your internship out of town.
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Old 03-09-2008, 11:32 AM   #9
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Re: Will he propose?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Well, I could see him living with his folks if he had gotten laid off or lost his job and was having a hard time finding another one or was just recently divorced, paying heavy alimony and attorneys fees and had a kid to help support, but it doesn't sound like any of this is the case, unless you left some out some important facts.

It kind of sounds like he just doesn't want to grow up. And please don't fall for that "we're engaged because we talked about it" nonsense. When a man WANTS to put his ring on your finger and make you his, that's what he does. When a man WANTS to marry you, he asks you. When a man WANTS to live with you, that's what he does. With all respect, I think you're wasting your time with this one.

Well here is the situation. Two years ago he went back to school so he could get a good job. And when I say good paying job.... I mean it is really good for the area we live in. I would say upper middle class. He is not rich by any means. He is living at home so he can pay off his student loans and save up some money. His parents are going to give him some lake shore property that has been in the family for years and he is going to build a house. Maybe that is why he is so intent on my getting a good job because it will be expensive i'm sure. However, I feel like if he really wanted to marry me... he would have given me a ring a long time ago.... I just dont know what to think....

 
Old 03-09-2008, 11:39 AM   #10
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Re: Will he propose?

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Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
Well, it sounds like he doesn't want to be responsible for taking care of you and wants to make sure you will be pulling your own weight financially. Why is it that you think that he should support you just because he has a good job?

It seems like he doesn't want to marry someone who is just going to be a housewife...he wants you to hold your own, and he wants to make sure you are steady on your feet before you join your lives together.

Although everyone else seems to think it's odd, but I don't see the big deal with him still living at home. Perhaps he is really close to his family. Plus, everything is SO expensive these days that living out on your own can really drain you. He is saving up to build a house and he has a good job...he is not a slacker. I think he actually sounds very ambitious, and he wants to be sure his future wife is ambitious, too.

If you don't want to wait in limbo any longer, then why don't you propose to him? If he doesn't want to lose you then I think he would accept it, but if he doesn't and still says that the engagement should wait...then maybe you should go and do your internship out of town.

There is no way I could propsose to him. I work part time and am going to school full time. I live pay-check to pay-check because I have my own place and I don't live at home with my family. I don't want to be just a house wife... that is why I am in school. I am going to get a job when I am done. I guess I just don't want to stick around this small dinky town if he is not going to propose. I have an internship this summer and if he isn't going to propose, I want to know because I am going to move on with my life. I love him... but I can't wait forever. If he gives me a ring, I will know that it is for real. I have a friend who's boyfriend told her they were going to get married, but he decided at the last minute that he didn't want to get married. They had picked her ring... but he never proposed. So she asked him and he said that he didn't want to marry her anymore.... but just didn't tell her. He kept stringing her along for as long as he could!

 
Old 03-09-2008, 11:41 AM   #11
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Re: Will he propose?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie21 View Post
However, I feel like if he really wanted to marry me... he would have given me a ring a long time ago.... I just dont know what to think....
Yes, you do know what to think, you just said it here. You just don't like how it feels or what it means.

I agree. If he felt you were really the one and he trusted you, it wouldn't matter to him whether you graduated or not yet. He'd believe in you and believe that you were going to do well and have earning power and he basically wouldn't be so afraid that marrying you would mean losing all his money and security. Isn't he at all afraid that you'll get tired of waiting for him and leave and find someone else? Again, sorry to say, it just kind of sounds like you're barking up the wrong tree here. 5 years is a long time to not even have any kind of official understanding.

 
Old 03-09-2008, 01:59 PM   #12
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Re: Will he propose?

Hey Marie: After reading your responses and the other posts, I'm sorry to say that I tend to agree with a lot of the others. Now, it's not that I can't see some valid reasons for him living with his parents (paying off debt etc.), but you also said in your origional post that he just bought a boat and a new scooter. You even said it yourself....if he can afford to do those things, why not a ring?

I know it stings, but if he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and if he loved you as much as you so obviously love him, he would have at the very least asked you point blank to marry him. He should have enough respect for your feelings to stop being a coward and admit that marriage is not what he wants.

You are so young, and you have so much ahead of you. My best advice to you is, take the internship, live your life for yourself and stop hoping that he'll come around. He's 36 years old and is behaving like a 19 year old. You deserve more. Even if he gave you a ring before you went and did the internship, I don't think he sounds like the kind of guy who would honor the commitment in the end.

I think you know, in your heart, what is best for you. Move on, live your life for yourself and find someone who really wants to spend the rest of his life with you. There are really guys out there who will.

I hope you make the right choice and give yourself the respect you deserve. cmpgirl

 
Old 03-09-2008, 04:11 PM   #13
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Re: Will he propose?

Quote:
There is no way I could propsose to him. I work part time and am going to school full time. I live pay-check to pay-check because I have my own place and I don't live at home with my family.
I didn't mean that you should buy him a ring or do something that would incur an expense. It's just that you want an answer - you don't want to spend any more time waiting in limbo. Although it seems like you want the whole traditional song and dance - him buying you a ring, getting down on one knee, the whole shebang - you also don't seem to want to waste anymore time waiting. So, take action. Go to him and ask him to marry you. Say you want to get engaged. And if he turns it down then you know...and you can move forward in your life, in a different direction.
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