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Old 03-09-2008, 11:40 AM   #1
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Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

I've recently gone out on a couple dates with a girl that I genuinely like. I'm 23 and she's 19, she's a freshman in college and I've recently graduated from the same school.

The one thing that's throwing me off with her is that she's nearly impossible to read. On our first date, things went off without a hitch. At dinner we were both laughing and talking the entire time, with never any dry spell in our conversation. She was touching my arm, making eye contact, etc. We were both having a great time so we decided to catch a movie after dinner, and her body language was almost opposite. She had her purse in her lap the entire time, with both her arms and legs crossed. She didn't even glance in my direction once. It's not like I was expecting some gross display of PDA in a crowded theater, but I felt like I couldn't even reach across and hold her hand without a struggle (so I didn't obviously).

After the movie she was super flirty again, walking close to me and chatting me up. I then dropped her off at home and, again, it was like she totally switched off. I almost had to force a hug on her which felt a bit strained and weird, and she pretty much jumped out of the car as quick as she could. Immediately after the date I felt conflicted. I had a really good time and felt like we really clicked personality-wise, but that possibly she was just being nice because of her body language. But low and behold, she immediately texts me as I'm driving away which says "had a great time tonight , when can we do it again?"

Second date was more of the same. Great conversation and nonstop laughs, but odd and closed off body language and another goodbye quasi-hug. She called me the day afterward though and again she was almost beaming, saying how she had such a great time and that she couldn't stop smiling all day thinking about it. She even made me a mixed cd of country songs to play in my car, because we always joke with each other about our conflicting music tastes and she said I'd better start getting used to her music. I thought it was a funny and sweet gesture.

Is she possibly just slow to warm up? I've never talked to her about any of that type of stuff, so I have no idea how experienced or rather inexperienced she is in relationships or in being physical with someone. I know she's had at least 2 relationships though. How can I get through this impenetrable wall and make a move? Should I just keep waiting it out and see if things ease up a little bit?

Last edited by CyberNick; 03-09-2008 at 11:48 AM.

 
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Old 03-09-2008, 11:52 AM   #2
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

Well, my personal approach to dating is to read faces more than body language. Sometimes it can be right on, but you can't always rely on body language. If her eyes are lit up and alert and focused on you and her smile seems authentic and real and she smiles and laughs appropriately and it doesn't seem forced or "canned", then I would be more inclined to pay attention to that than anything else. And what are you doing hugging her in the car?! A gentleman walks a lady to her door at the end of the night. Maybe SHE was put off by the fact that you didn't walk her to her door and just dropped her off instead. See how all these signals can easily get confused and crossed?

If it were me, I'd just take her word that she likes you until she gives you a clear cut reason not to, like she stops returning your calls. She might just be shy. Don't be afraid to take the lead a little bit. i.e. when you're waiting in line at the movies and it's your turn to go up to the counter, or if you're going through a door or walking to your table when the hostess seats you in a restaurant, let her go first and gently place your hand on the small of her back, just like Will SMith says in Hitch, not too high, not too low, just to establish a little bit of physical intimacy, just long enough to let her know you know she's a lady and ladies go first, little things like that. If she places her hand on your arm, smile, make eye contact and place your hand on hers for just a couple of seconds. Have you been reciprocating her little intimacies? Open up just a little and stop trying to read her so hard. Just enjoy her company until she gives you a good reason not to. It might take a litle while to find your groove, but if the natural chemistry is there, you'll soon get past the awkwardness. Good luck.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-09-2008 at 11:54 AM.

 
Old 03-09-2008, 01:18 PM   #3
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

Thanks, Larryou'smom .

The reason I don't walk her to the door is because she still lives at home and her mom is a bit nosey and waits up for her sometimes, so obviously that could potentially be even more awkward. I also thought that might be the reason she's in such a rush to get in the door.

I'll try the tips you pointed out and try to relax a little. I'm overanalytical by nature so it's hard for me sometimes. I guess I'm just used to interested girls being a bit more physically intimate. Thanks again.

 
Old 03-09-2008, 04:28 PM   #4
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

I think that she likes you, but wants to be sure you are not just trying to use her for sex. By avoiding any kind of intimacy, maybe she is hoping for the two of you to build a steady foundation before moving ahead into anything physical. Or maybe she is testing you to see if you really like *her* and want to keep seeing her.

You've only been on two dates. I think it is way too early to be physical or even to kiss. (Some might disagree). If you really like her then keep going out with her. If after one or two more dates she doesn't let her guard down at all and you haven't kissed you, maybe tell her that you get the feeling she just wants to be friends with you and maybe you shouldn't go out anymore...see how she reacts.
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Old 03-09-2008, 08:55 PM   #5
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

Hey CyberNick: I agree with LarryLu'smom and GypsyArcher and just wanted to add something. You said she was a freshman in college....maybe she has never really gone out on a "real date" before. There are some girls (especially if they have somewhat strict parents) who have only just hung out with boys in a group setting. She may be a little unsure of herself. I know that sounds crazy in 2008, but you'd be suprised to know how many young girls are still very sheltered. Especially some of the ones who are home schooled.

An old school friend of mine, who I keep in touch with once or twice a year, has 2 daughters and they were both home schooled. When it came time for the oldest to go to college, the whole family packed up and moved half-way across the country to be closer to her! (A little much, if you ask me) But, I guess the point I'm trying to make is she may just be very inexperienced and shy and I'd give her a little time.

Make it a point to ask her about her life and how she grew up. You might get a better idea of what she's really all about.

Good luck and be patient. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sure she thinks so too.

 
Old 03-09-2008, 09:16 PM   #6
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

I'm with cmpgirl on this one. Additionally, you have to remember that she's only 19....A big difference emotionally from you @ 23. May only seem like 4 years, but try to remember back to when you were a freshman right out of high school. A four year age difference at this stage of life is huge! I'm guessing it's a bunch of things rolled up together. Plus, I'd be happy that she's not some tramp wanting to suck face right off the bat. She seems like a nice girl.

Good luck and please let us know how things turn out.

Ex

 
Old 03-10-2008, 12:12 AM   #7
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

Thanks to everyone for the tips and advice, it is appreciated .

To cmpgirl: Yeah, you might be right on this one. She was pretty active in high school so I didn't really see her as being the shy, sheltered girl. She was head of cheer squad, played lead in the annual musical, played varsity soccer, etc. I guess you never know though. I did ask her a lot about her family. Her only sibling is a few years younger and autistic, so her mom is understandably a bit overprotective and watchful. Maybe that plays a part.

To Executor: Also true. I remember how I was at 19 (your typical girl-crazy, hormonal freshman), and it was nowhere near the maturity level that she shows at age 19, or anywhere near where I am emotionally now. And yes, I'm much happier with someone being less physical at this stage as opposed to a total tramp, as I'm looking for something real. I wasn't concerned really with the pace that things are moving but rather that it doesn't seem like she's really physically attracted to me. I'm probably just jumping to conclusions though.

I'll keep you guys updated.

 
Old 03-11-2008, 04:00 PM   #8
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

Just a tiny update. We went out again, and after a huge discussion about past relationships and etc. she admitted to me that she is a virgin. She was almost embarrassed by it and said that she sometimes feels weird being physical with a guy in the beginning of a relationship because she thinks guys will freak out when she tells them, and that she wants to make sure it's not all they're looking for. I assured her that I didn't care in the slightest about her being a virgin (which I don't) and that I understood a little better where she was coming from now.

Soooo, I guess there's my answer! I actually feel a lot better now that I know the reasoning behind things, I figured it would be something that wasn't too big of a deal. Just wanted to fill those in who were interested... thanks again!

 
Old 03-11-2008, 10:39 PM   #9
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Re: Physical and Emotional Signals Totally Conflicting?

CyberNick: Glad to hear things are working out. You sound like a really mature and sweet guy. There aren't a lot of guys as responsible and respectful as you seem to be out there anymore. Trust me, I have a 23 year old daughter!

I wish the two of you the very best and a long and happy romance! cmpgirl

 
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