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Old 03-10-2008, 06:42 AM   #1
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starissa HB User
Unhappy boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

hi there, i have know the now ex you could say for 12 years now. We have hung out on and off for most of them since we were young and dumb we never dated each other. Last year he contacted me to hang out again. I just got out of a relationship and so didhe. We hung out alot till i got back with the guy i spilt up with again(stupid on my part) well after that he avoided hanging out with me and all that. After a few month i realized the relationship i was in was garbage and not working and left. Me and this guy went back to hanging out only this time alot more often. One night in nov we looked at me and said we have been ffriends so long and obviouly like each other more then friends why not date? So we descided to try it out. THings were great. we already knew each other so no awkwark new dateing things went on. We live 45 mins apart and both work alot so sat night was out time to go out. Mind you we never fought and had a nice open tell me anything relationship also. Last week i found out i have to possable get my ovary taken out. he has helped me and consoled me and been just wonderful. Last night i went to his house, we were gonna order a pizza and watch a movie and me stay the night. Half way though the movie he paauses is and says he needs to talk. Here i think hes gonna say im in love with you, but no its the i dont know how i feel about you and i think we should stop this relationship now. I was stunned. I give him credit for being honest and love him for that but omg. I went out side to smoke and cry and thought well i have to go home now i cant stay here. WHen i told him he said no you can stay. Yeah right lets sleep next to someone who only wants to stay friends. I called him yesterday to tell him i was doing ok. I asked him if after awhile he may think he made a mistake and he said i may but i dont know im confused right now. I dont know what to do or think. I now think there is something wrong with me and i cant get a person that doesnt just wanna be friends. Im 26 and thought i found someone i could one day be married to. I have been attracted to him for 12 years now and he said he was too. WHat did i do wrong?

 
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Old 03-10-2008, 06:47 AM   #2
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happymom28 HB User
Re: boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

You didn't do anything wrong. You gave the whole "dating" thing a try and it just wasn't there for him. The timing kind of stinks, but it is what it is. At least he was honest with you and told you his feelings instead of just not contacting you again. You have to give him credit there (which I know you do).

I know it hurts right now, but it will get better. He isn't the one and it's far better to know that after 4 months of dating than 4 years, right?

 
Old 03-10-2008, 06:51 AM   #3
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starissa HB User
Re: boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

thanks for the reply, yeah i know its better then 4 years lol. I think getting all that out too helped. He also said to call him anytime if i need to talk which is way more then i have ever had before with a breakup. Just as i get old it gets harder to deal with lol. Thankfull next monday i am going to vegas with my mom and can clear my head and have a good time

 
Old 03-10-2008, 09:00 AM   #4
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cmpgirl HB User
Re: boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

Hi Starissa:*I wouldn't tell you this story, if you hadn't mentioned in your post that he told you he was confused and just didn't know right now. To me, that sounds like he hasn't totally written off the idea of the two of you being together down the road. If I'm reading that wrong, then never mind what I've written.

I know pretty well what you're going through.** My husband and I have known each other since we were in grade school.* He was my brother's best friend (still is).* As life went on, and we grew up, we were always kind of attracted to each other, but never acted on it.* We dated other people and always hung out together within our circle of friends.

He was engaged at 19 to another girl and she ended up, not only cheating on him, but getting pregnant with another guys child (also one of his "friends"). It really did a number on him. We kind of got closer after that, I guess because he felt more comfortable talking to me about it than his guy friends.Well, the friendship slowly turned into a relationship, and we ended up living together.* I knew he was the one and I know now, that he knew I was too, but back then it was a struggle. I know he had some pretty deep scars from the old relationship and he just had a hard time getting past it. It didn't make it real easy on me, either.* But I knew I had to give him the space and time to heal and learn to trust, not so much me, but his own instincts.* It took a couple of years, before he was ready to make a commitment, but he did, and we've been married now for almost 20 years.

I don't want to give you false hope, because every situation is different. And I'm certainly not going to tell you it was an easy thing for me to do. I cried (by myself) a lot and I know he knew it was hard for me. He was as supportive as he could be, while he was trying to figure things out for himself.

I guess, what I'm saying is, if you really love him, and you feel like you can be OK waiting, even though you don't know where this will end up, then give him his space and let him figure out what is right for him. Be there for him, but don't push. It's totally up to you. Only you can decide what you can handle, emotionally. And don't ever let him take advantage of your patience. You have to take care of yourself first.

I did have a conversation with him back then, about what he felt our chances were. I asked him to be totally honest with me, at least as much as he could be, given his fears. He actually said to me, "If you can stand it, don't give up on me totally". So, I stuck it out. And this story had a happy ending. This is just my experience and I want to reiterate that I'm not saying this will work out for you the way it did for me. I just think it warrants some thought, and it never hurts to hear someone else's story.

I wish you the very best of luck and remember, do what is right for YOU. Whatever you decide and whatever comes of it, I know you will be fine, if you follow your "gut" and your heart. His indecision is about HIM, not you. Take care of yourself. cmpgirl

 
Old 03-10-2008, 12:20 PM   #5
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starissa HB User
Re: boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

thank you so much for the post. It does sound alike like me and this guy. in a sence you gave me hope. He emailed me this morning saying he was sorry again. He has some things he needs to straighten out in his life. He too was engaged about a year ago and the girl cheated on him. SO he was broken up about that. He said he may regret the descion hes just confuses. The great thing is that we have great communication and that i cant hate him either thought it hurts so bad that i do. I dont mind sitting back and letting him gather his thoughts and mine. Im not in the frame of mind to find someone else either. Thank you again and congrats on you man

 
Old 03-11-2008, 04:48 PM   #6
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CyberNick HB User
Re: boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

Just know that you obviously did nothing wrong, as I'm sure you know. Whether he eventually wants to make things work or not, he sounds like he needs some time to settle some things with his personal life before he would be ready to seriously date someone again anyways (especially with his fiance cheating on him and ditching him, ouch).

I wouldn't totally write off the idea of something working out down the line, but it probably wouldn't be your best bet to wait it out for him either. Just go with the flow and see how things work out. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but there it is. Like happymom said, at least he had to balls to be upfront about it instead of dragging it out any longer than necessary.

 
Old 03-12-2008, 09:12 AM   #7
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JulJul22 HB User
Re: boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

Starissa,

I know that you are broken up about his uncertainty but, it sounds as if he really cares for you. He is concerned about you now that he told you how he felt. Don’t pick yourself apart Hun. I think that he just has some unfinished business to handle before he can fully open his heart back up again. I don’t blame him especially when your trying to create a relationship with a ‘long time friend’ Because of the chance of breaking the wonderful friendship that you have, things can be very scary. I would say, just be there for him and only time will tell.

Best of luck -Jules-
__________________
Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.

 
Old 03-13-2008, 12:48 PM   #8
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starissa HB User
Re: boyfriend told me just wanna stay friends

i still have a hell of a time talking to hiM but have been in contact with him still. We email and i pour my heart and soul out and hes great. Were gonna stay friends like always and if he realizes he wants to be with me then we will. We have plans for sat so some dinner and then im off to vegas. SOmetimes i think he will realize while im gone but im not gonna stop my life and cry for ever but im not going to go out and look for someone. Thanks for all the advice i think and hope i still have a chance. he was the best person i have ever dated and i have dated alot of losers.

 
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