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seachange 03-11-2008 07:16 AM

commitment phobic? a bit long
 
So I posted a few days ago about breaking up with my girlfriend...Im 27 years old. I've been trying to figure myself out lately, wondering if Im commitment phobic, or if I just dont WANT a commitment right now, or if my relationships just weren't the ones. When I was 19, I dated a girl for 3 1/2 years. She was my first real gf. We lived together for 3 of those years. We had a peaceful relationship and connected well. Looking back I probably missed out on a lot of the "college" life. I loved her but eventually the magic wore off and I felt trapped and unhappy. After breaking up however, I was afraid of hurting her and when she wanted to see me I obliged, and we hooked up from time to time. This was a big mistake because I guess I was ultimately leading her on and it was harder getting over the whole thing. I thought of it as friends with benefits. Looking back this was a big mistake. Even when I was single I never really FELT single and my dating suffered.
Then about a year and 1/2 later I met the girl that I just broke up with. I was still in contact with my ex, and it caused me great anxiety. However I felt I needed to move on once and for all. I did tell her from the beginning though that I wasnt ready for a relationship and made sure she knew that, but I was giving it a shot. #2 is also a great girl. We didnt have the same sort of spiritual connection but I felt freer with her and the sex was waaaay better. She is very petite and Im not really attracted to that but she is a beautiful girl and we got along well. This relationship suffered at first cause I still wasnt completely over the last relationship and she picked up on it. I was defending the ex at times. #2 was already a jealous insecure type so this led to fights...and the fights would ultimately stem to other parts of the relationship. Eventually I got over the last relationship. We still fought a lot but we loved each other, however I could never commit to living with her after my last relationship and she was jealous of that too. Over time I had much of the same feelings of the magic being gone. When we first started dating she went out all the time and I liked hanging out with her, but then we settled into each other. This girl is also 34 so the pressures of not wasting her child bearing years wore on me.
I feel like in both cases I gave too much of myself to make them both happy and eventually grew to resent it. In #2's case we lived about 40 min apart and worked opposite hours so the weekend was our only REAL time. After a while my weekend trips felt like an obligation. I felt like I was losing friends and certainly not making any. Im already seeing #2 going out with her friends and having fun (to forget about me and cheer up Im sure), but she seems like the girl I met, and not the one I broke up with (with "myspace" its way too easy to spy..I really shouldn't do that.) Im just still confused and wondering if I have a problem.

happymom28 03-11-2008 07:25 AM

Re: commitment phobic? a bit long
 
I don't think you have a problem You have only had two serious relationships, one of which started when you weren't over the first yet. That is never a good sign.

My advice is to go out and have fun. Date but don't get tied down to one girl right away. I'm guessing you really haven't had a chance to do that since you said the last time you were single you were still talking to your ex so you didn't "feel single".

When you do finally meet the one that you think is right for you don't rush into anything. Take your time to get to know her and live apart. Don't see eachother every day so that you still have time for your friends, families, and other interests. If you don't make your whole life revolve around the relationship then you won't resent them for it.

Oh, and stop spying on the exgirlfriend via "that website". I'm convinced she is trying to run it in your face that she is still able to go out and have fun and probably thinks you are checking. You need to get over her and the relationship and watching her every move isn't going to allow you to let that happen.

seachange 03-11-2008 10:32 AM

Re: commitment phobic? a bit long
 
[QUOTE=happymom28;3481315]I don't think you have a problem You have only had two serious relationships, one of which started when you weren't over the first yet. That is never a good sign.

My advice is to go out and have fun. Date but don't get tied down to one girl right away. I'm guessing you really haven't had a chance to do that since you said the last time you were single you were still talking to your ex so you didn't "feel single".

When you do finally meet the one that you think is right for you don't rush into anything. Take your time to get to know her and live apart. Don't see eachother every day so that you still have time for your friends, families, and other interests. If you don't make your whole life revolve around the relationship then you won't resent them for it.

Oh, and stop spying on the exgirlfriend via "that website". I'm convinced she is trying to run it in your face that she is still able to go out and have fun and probably thinks you are checking. You need to get over her and the relationship and watching her every move isn't going to allow you to let that happen.[/QUOTE]

Thanks..I appreciate it

Larrylou'smom 03-11-2008 11:29 AM

Re: commitment phobic? a bit long
 
I don't think you necessarily have a problem, I think you're just a typical guy who hasn't found the right woman yet. From what you've described here, it doesn't sound like you were ever really in love with either of these girls. But you do seem rather self aware and willing to learn and grow from your mistakes and experiences, and that's always a good thing.

Mostly, I'm really glad that you see now that "I didn't want to hurt her so I saw her and slept with her even though I really didn't want to" is rather a lame excuse. You hurt a woman much more and cause her much more pain by leading her on, sleeping with her and making her think you care when you don't than you do just being honest with her and telling her it's over. That's an important step.

I think it just takes time, experience, and meeting the right one. When you find the right one, you won't feel trapped or obligated. It will feel right and fun and wonderful.

seachange 03-11-2008 04:27 PM

Re: commitment phobic? a bit long
 
I think it just takes time, experience, and meeting the right one. When you find the right one, you won't feel trapped or obligated. It will feel right and fun and wonderful.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the reply..Im hoping this will be the case. Ive just been real depressed. My last gf is beautiful and loved me very much, so Ive been wondering what is wrong with me. But you're right..the right girl shouldnt seem like a chore.

cmpgirl 03-11-2008 11:16 PM

Re: commitment phobic? a bit long
 
Seachange: I have to agree with some of the other posts, especially about the whole friends with benefits thing. Call me old fashioned, but to me, you have to be a particular type of person to handle an arrangement like that.

If you are going to sleep with someone, without having more than just sex, you have to be in a place in your life where you know exactly what you want. If you are in any way the type of person who, in their heart, is looking for a true partner in life, this is only going to slow that process down or bring it to a screeching halt.

People may like to think there are no strings in a relationship like that, but that's almost impossible. One of the people involved is usually likely to develope deeper feelings, and that can end up as real heartache.

I'm glad you see it differently now. It sounds to me like you're a pretty intuitive guy and I think you need to take some time and figure out just what you want in a partner. Dating non-exclusively during this process, shouldn't hinder that. How else are you going to see who's out there? Just take your time and remember that it takes two to make a relationship last or fail.

I don't see you as commitment phobic at all. Both #1 and #2 had a responsibility to work at the relationship too. It's never up to one person to do all the work. And it is work. I've been with my husband 25 years and it wasn't always fireworks and picnics in the park. Things happen in life that pull you away temporarily from your relationship. What's important is to not let it pull you away permenantly.

Go out, have a good time and relax. It will happen when it's the right time and the right person. Best of luck, cmpgirl


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