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Old 03-30-2008, 02:10 PM   #1
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Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

I recently confessed to my husband that I cheated on him. He had his suspicions. He at first was in shock, then angry and confused..then seemed to be forgiving and wants the marriage to work, but he isn't really sure what he wants to do. I felt better confessing about the affair to both my husband and my church. I felt he had the right to know despite the hurt. We have 2 children, 7 and 3 and feel that for the sake of the family we are leaning more to making the marriage work, but also feel the need to seperate. The affair ended close to a month ago and I still have some feelings for my ex lover and he still has feelings for me despite him ending the affair to get back with his ex wife for the sake of his children which angered me a great deal, but he now regrets his decision and is hoping to get back with me, but I told him that I have moved on...not neccassrily to work things out with my husband, but because it is just time to move on despite me still having feelings for ex lover. I figure it is just the right thing to do since I'm still married.

Nevertheless, I have no plans on getting back with my ex lover. Yet I'm not sure if I want to be with my husband either. He works nights and I barely get to see him. I'm lonely and bored for the most part. I'm really not happy being married to him. Despite all of the unhappiness, the men in my congregation advises that we work things out for the sake of the family. My husband refuses to work days which leaves me wanting out of this marriage. Right now I'm very depressed. I feel bad for having the affair in the first place, yet I feel hurt from my lover ending the affair despite him wanting to be with me again, I feel bad for hurting my husband as well, I feel very depressed and confused. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to move on thinking that I can have a better life elsewhere. Also if I do decide to leave my husband, my church more than likely will expell me as a member until I get my life in order. All I want is to be happy in the end.

Any advice on what I should do?

 
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Old 03-31-2008, 02:48 AM   #2
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Bump! Someone please reply!

 
Old 03-31-2008, 03:41 AM   #3
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

I am in a sort of similar situation, only it is my wife who cheated on me and I discovered about it – and went through all that emotional turmoil – anger, confusion etc. At one point I had these nasty shakes and my GP had to prescribe mood drugs and sleeping pills for 4 days.

We have a daughter, 12yrs. My wife left for work in England 2 yrs ago and only comes home about every 6 months for 3 weeks at a time. We are supposed to migrate and join her once her "dependants" paperwork is sorted. I have confronted her and we’ve talked about it and at first she was sure she wanted out then turned around and wants the marriage to work. I feel like she has something up her sleeve and that I shouldn’t trust her fully. I feel very vulnerable and find it difficult to believe she really means what she says. I am seeing a therapist and she has recommended we both review our value systems and demand from ourselves a solid reason why we should remain married. She left for England on Easter Monday with most of these issues still unresolved.

In my country, divorce is extremely difficult to arrive at as the court must be convinced that there are solid reasons for a breakup – this being proven adultery, battery/cruelty or desertion. It is also an expensive process and there will child custody battles to deal with.

My therapist asks me to discuss with her whether it is just these technicalities and presence of our kid that should keep us married or we really love each other to fight for it.

I hope I have not hijacked your thread but have shared something you could use. I would love to see the replies to your post too.

 
Old 03-31-2008, 05:36 AM   #4
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

You had the affair for a reason, whether it was right or not. You confessed it to your husband which I think was a very admirable thing to do. However, just because you confess and want to make things work for "the sake of the family" doesn't change the reason for the affair in the first place. In other words, you can't just flip a switch in be happy in a marriage you obviously are not happy in just because someone tells you to and nothing changes. It just doesn't work that way.

Honestly, I think you and your husband should separate for a while. Not so you can date other people or anything like that. I think you need it to see if working on your marriage is worth it. You are clearly not happy and you just can't "fake it" for the family. That's not fair to anyone involved, your children included. At the same time your husband needs to really decide if he can stay in the marriage. The big thing to remember is that this decision is up to you and your husband. Unfortunately, it is just not the business of the men at your church.

Let me ask, why does your husband work nights? Why is he unwilling to change around his hours to accomadate the family? These are things you and your husband need to get out in the open. You both have to find a way to compromise on this issue if you decide it is worth making your marriage work.

I also think that while you are separated you should give some marriage counselling a try. You both have a lot of things you need to get out there in the open and this is a good start to do that. Counselling will help you to learn to communicate and listen to eachother and help you to decide if your marriage is worth saving.

 
Old 03-31-2008, 07:57 AM   #5
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Thanks for the replies! Littletree, I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you. Unfortunately I can't help much since I'm the one that cheated.

Happymom, I am leaning toward seperation more and more, but at the same time I would like to stay together for the sake of the kids. My husband wants to stay together because it is the right thing to do, but he has no trust in me which is making matters worse for both of us. I'm very unhappy with him. I have talked with him a hundred times about him working night and how I feel so alone, etc...but again he refuses to change his shift for the following reasons: He is a truck driver and drives 4 hours one way to drop off freight and drives 4 hours back which is pretty easy. Well if he went back to the day shift he would have to work in the city doing deliveries all day and he hates driving in the city and it is pretty hot here during the day in Fla. Plus he would be losing 30% of his pay. So I can understand why he would not want to work during the day, but again him working nights isn't good for me. I didn't get married to sleep alone. We have been married for 8 years and he started working nights close to 6 years ago. I begged him not to do it, but he insisted, so I had to deal with it...but over the past 3 years it has really taken it's toll on our family. He barely gets to see us during the day since I work days. I swear I feel like a single mother and it hurts to be lonely while married which is no excuse for me to have had the affair which by the way I didn't look for, it sort of just happened and my ex lover who lives out of state was able to give me the attention I longed for sad to say...but again that affair is over with.

So yes I would love to keep my family together, but those issues that exist in the first place are still there. My husband also has gained 60lbs over the past few years and his gut is horrendous. I have told him all of this time and time again, but he has done nothing about it yet he wants to stay with me because I am a good woman and wife and he knows that and yes he loves me dearly, but not enough to change his job shift or to lose weight, etc.

I'm not looking for excuses to leave because I feel that if I leave, I will have more guilt to face later. I just want to be happy and I'm not happy with him right now and if I leave, I will be making matters worse for him after the affair. I somehow wish he would just tell me to leave..it would be so much easier...I think....especially since he is not willing to change.

 
Old 03-31-2008, 08:33 AM   #6
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Well BrownSuga35, staying together for the sake of the children isn't as noble as everyone seems to think. Children are not as innocent and naive as we adults like to believe. They sense EVERYTHING, including your unhappiness. Staying in this situation for them is showing them that this is what marriage is about. They are going to grow up believing that there is no love and happiness in a marriage. They are going to believe it is an obligation expected of them. I don't know if you have boys, girls, or one of each, but think of what their futures could look like. A daughter married to a man that dismisses her wishes and leaves her alone with her own children to raise. A son who dismisses his wives wishes and treats her the way your husband treats you. Do you really want that?

And then your husband's wanting to stay together because "it's the right thing to do". So it's right for you live lonely and miserable because that is what he wants? Marriage is about compromise. I understand the whole money aspect, but is that extra money worth the cost of his marriage? Plus he doesn't trust you. How can he be married to a woman he can't trust? That is going to wear on him every single day until he makes the home life even more miserable than it already is.

He didn't work third shift when you got married. He changed the game a couple of years into it without even thinking about how you would feel. You made a mistake, but at least you fessed up to it. I know you are torn between your happiness and sense of obligation. But you have to realize that you are the only one who can control your own happiness. You are not doing your children any favors. Happy parents make happy children, believe me! My daughter was a lot more happy once I divorced my ex, and is even happier still now that she has a positive male role model in her stepfather (unlike her monster of a biological father). You can't sacrifice your life and your happiness for your children. You are already living as a single mother, you said it yourself. What difference will it really make if you actually go through the steps to "make it legal"?

 
Old 03-31-2008, 08:34 AM   #7
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

I can only imagine how you must feel being in this situation. And it doesn't help that you are being told from all sides to "make it work" and stay in a situation that is making you miserable.

But as hard as it is, this is a decision you have to make for yourself. Your husband will never tell you to leave. He's complacent and comfortable and doesn't want his routine interrupted. As long as he has no reason to change, he never will, and he has no reason to change as long as you're still there and his staying stuck won't really cost him anything.

And Happymom's right, your marriage isn't really the concern of the men in your congregation. Of course church goers are going to tell you to stay in the marriage. Divorce is still very frowned upon, especially in religious circles. They didn't take into consideration how unhappy you are. Did they even express any concern about that, and did they even address your husband and the part he played in the deterioration of the marriage? If your husband isn't willing to change or try to fix any of the things he needs to fix, if he in essence isn't willing to be a husband, then what's left for YOU in this marriage?

Like they say, only you know what will make you happy, and only YOU will be unhappy if you don't get it. Well, I think maybe that's not QUITE true. If you're unhappy, your kids will feel it in some fashion as well. And I think kids deserve a mom who is present, functional, fulfilled and happy to be there. If you can't give your kids that kind of mom in your current situation, then I'm not sure you're doing them any favors by staying in your current situation. You can't wait for someone to make the decision for you, or for someone to give you permission to make the decision you really want to make.

 
Old 03-31-2008, 06:37 PM   #8
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Thanks Ladies for your advice..you guys seem to understand what I know I need to do deep inside. I'll keep you posted!

 
Old 03-31-2008, 07:23 PM   #9
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

I'm not really sure why you confessed to your husband...would you have confessed if your lover had not ended it?...so now that you have confessed what now? what did you think was going to happen? I personally do not believe people that cheat should confess...what good did it do? Your husband may never forgive you for that but this isn't about him this is about you. I think you haven't let go of the lover yet and you need to get a place to live on your own and be by yourself and figure out what you want in life. Your husband shouldn't have to change his shift to accommodate you so if him working another shift isn't working for you then move on. I really don't feel any love toward you husband in your explanation...what I do feel is a lot of anger that your lover left you.

 
Old 03-31-2008, 08:48 PM   #10
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Ann, I confessed to my husband because it was eating me up inside. I carried a heavy load of guilt on my shoulders and had to let it go. Yes it was a month after my ex lover ended the relationship, but so what. Whether he ended the relationship or I ended it, my husband had the right to know. Yes I thought about taking this to my grave, but again my husband had a right to know. Yes I have a lot of anger toward my ex lover, but my feelings for him has greatly diminished and remember he wants to resume the affair, but I refuse to. So me wanting to move out has nothing to do with getting back with him...trust me!

And yes my husband should accommodate me by changing his job shift if it is destroying the marriage that he wants so badly to save. That is what marriage is about. I have made many sacrifaces for him. I moved 1100 miles away from my family and friends to be with him. He can at least do something worthwhile to save his marriage.

 
Old 03-31-2008, 11:11 PM   #11
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Please don't take this as a judgement, just an observation. I read both of your posts and after the first one, I thought you had some pretty valid complaints and reasons for not knowing if you should stay in your marriage or not. But when you responded the second time I have to admit I was a little taken aback.

Is it that you are unhappy in your marriage because your husband has taken a job that is better financially for your family and also because he has a gut?

I've been married for over 20 years and both my husband and I have had to make job sacrifices from time to time. They aren't always long term. If your husband is trying to make enough money to provide for his family, I don't see that as a direct insult to you. Also, we have both put on weight, taken it off, put it back on, etc. and that has never made us love each other any less. Do you honestly believe that many men find an 8 month pregnant belly, arousing?

If these things are the deciding factors in whether you are happy with your husband, then I would say it's not much of a marriage to begin with. Marriage is about sacrifice sometimes and it certainly shouldn't be based on purely physical appearance either. And of course he isn't going to have an easy time forgiving you. Would you be able to just forgive and forget if the tables were turned?

That being said, I don't beleive that any unhappy couple should stay married for the sake of the children. And I also agree that members of a church or group should never be involved in anyone's marriage. I also have to agree with Ann that it seems to be more about your ex lover dumping you than how your husband feels or acts.

I wish you luck and I hope you can find happiness in the future, but please make sure your kids are allowed to have their father in their lives. He doesn't seem to be a bad father, based on what I've read here. And they deserve to have both parents in their lives, who love them above everything else.

 
Old 04-01-2008, 02:12 AM   #12
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Thanks for your reply. My husband having a gut doesn't play too much of a role of me having the affair or wanting to leave. I just mentioned that as one concern and there are many more issues we are having..too many to list some of which includes him not being the greatest father..I mean anytime he forgot the name of our son's school saids a lot. Anytime he forget our daughters DOB saids a lot. Yes he is a good provider, but money doesn't buy happiness. I guess I was speaking more on the terms on him and my relationship, but there are many many more issues.

 
Old 04-01-2008, 05:44 AM   #13
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownSuga35 View Post
And yes my husband should accommodate me by changing his job shift if it is destroying the marriage that he wants so badly to save. That is what marriage is about. I have made many sacrifaces for him. I moved 1100 miles away from my family and friends to be with him. He can at least do something worthwhile to save his marriage.
I do agree with this BrownSuga. When you are married, you can't live like you're single and just say to heck with your spouse's feelings and needs and do whatever you want. Your husband is not even meeting you halfway. Like you said, you did not get married to live like a single person, and he's not even considering how you feel about him never being there when you need him there. That's not what marriage is supposed to be about.

 
Old 04-01-2008, 06:04 AM   #14
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Considering your husband changed his hours to the night shift 2 years AFTER you were married without even considering your feelings I think he most definately should be willing to compromise if he is so inclined to want to "make things work".

It takes two people to make a marriage work. And I also agree with you that money doesn't buy happiness. I mean, what good is that extra 30% in his paycheck if he never sees the family? If he wants to make things work he has to at least discuss what led to all of these issues in the first place and be willing to come to a compromise. Last time I checked a marriage was a "partnership" not a "dictatorship".

Even if you factor out your infidelity for the moment there are still several other issues in your marriage. If your husband can't or is unwilling to see that then how can things possibly work?

 
Old 04-01-2008, 12:28 PM   #15
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sound to me like this marriage is going to survive. One or both of you are going to have to do things you say you don't want to do (change shifts, lose weight, pay more attention to the kids) and it's hard to regain feelings for a person once they've gone away. Plus, I agree that the children always know what's going on in their parents' marriage, even if the parents think they are doing a good job hiding it. I saw it from both ends, my parents (who "stayed together for the kids" for 15 years until finally divorcing...and we kids asked our mom what took her so long) and from the parents side (divorcing my husband of 12 years after deciding that neither of us deserved to be miserable for 40 years). I hate that the divorce had to happen, but we are all (my ex-husband, me and our son) are much better off than we would have been trying to force a dead marriage to last. Just be honest with yourself and decide if you are trying to stay together because of outside influences (church), for the kids (see above) or that you truly love this man and want the marriage to work. If not, you both should be set free to find someone who will love you 100% and do whatever it takes to keep the marriage safe and happy.

 
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