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Old 04-06-2008, 05:52 PM   #1
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Don't know what to think, Need input.

Just looking for some outside opinions...

My bf and I have been together for 3 years. We are like night and day, I'm the artsy one, he's the scientist. (he really is a scientist) He's 9 years older.

We've been going through some rough times and I think it's because he lacks a certain sensitivity to my feelings, thoughts and emotions that I need. Now I don't know if I should figure out a way to accept this (because I really want to stay in the relationship) or just deal and move on. I hate that it has gotten to this point.

So here goes, I will give you a for example.

I go to an event with him and his daughter. We are all horsing around (sober, mind you) and having fun. I fall and sprain my ankle REALLY bad. His daughter had pushed me and I fell, it wasn't intentional.

They were both very insensitive about the whole thing. His daughter never once said I'm sorry. She said, "well, i didn't mean for that to happen.", and pretty much the rest of the weekend, I limped VERY slowly around with them (often practically in tears).

If it weren't bad enough that it happened, it was even worse that it happened at that time because I had been training for a 5K run for 4 weeks and the run was in 2 weeks; it was obvious that all my hard work was Kaput! I was devastated because of this. It was a very important self-esteem-related improving event in my life and then bam...I couldn't do it.

He knew how much the run meant to me.

He said nothing to console me except "It'll be okay. Give it a few weeks. You'll get to run a different race. It's not the end of the world." that kinda stuff.

That night, in pain, I cried...while he and his daughter watched a show about fish on some animal channel. I asked him to give me a hug, he kept on watching. Then when it was time for bed he let me hug him...

Am I just a total pyscho or am I just being treated like I'm a bit unimportant?

This is only one example...there are others.

Ps. He says that I act like a baby sometimes and that I over react to adversity. I think he's right in some instances but not all.

We've talked about the "sensitivity issue" in the past. He states, he is who he is and I just have to accept that.

I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick in this relationship.

Not only am I dealing with this but I just started Nursing school one week ago...he encourages me, but I'm starting to wonder if he really has respect for me and is truly sincere or if he's just doing a song and dance...

What do you think?

 
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Old 04-06-2008, 06:54 PM   #2
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

Sounds very much like an issue me and my boyfriend were having. And we still do have here and there.

Are you his first girlfriend? Sometimes it takes a guy a while to get use to how to treat our sensitive feelings. As ridiculous as that may sound, I think it's true. No guy is any where near as sensitive as us and it's new to them. And if your his first (like I am mine) he has no past experience.

I tend to not let this kind of thing get in the way of my relationship beings that I know he loves me and would do anything for me. If you and your bf have been together for 3 years, obviously there's love there. I wouldn't worry...

Let him take his course. Help him see how sensitive you are without hurting him. Let him know you need attention and comfort just like everyone else. Also show him what is that helps you feel better. This will help him know what to do for the future. I think it's a learning process for men to learn how to treat our sensitivity. They get it eventually

Good luck.

 
Old 04-06-2008, 08:12 PM   #3
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

I'd be really mad. The little girl doesn't know how to feel empathy because she's taking after her father, so you really can't blame her. But her father should know better. After all that time you put in training and his response is basically, it's no big deal, there are other races.......
that infuriates me, and that's only one example. If he's like that all the time, I'd move on. There are other fish in the sea.

 
Old 04-07-2008, 03:22 AM   #4
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
I'd be really mad. The little girl doesn't know how to feel empathy because she's taking after her father, so you really can't blame her. But her father should know better. After all that time you put in training and his response is basically, it's no big deal, there are other races.......
that infuriates me, and that's only one example. If he's like that all the time, I'd move on. There are other fish in the sea.

The "little" girl is almost twenty.

And he and I are both divorced and middle-aged. So we both have relationship experience under our belts.

No, he doesn't act like this all the time. I'm honestly not sure what his problem is. We talked last night and it seems like if I don't bring up the issue everything is fine as wine.

I guess I'm hurt that they were so cold about it, not consoling at all. Maybe I'm a crybaby...I dunno.

His kids hurt my feelings pretty bad at times and he seems to be totally oblivious to it...but it's SO obvious. He always seems to make sure I understand that I'm second to his kids, but I am starting to feel like I'm second to everything else in his life. He'll take his kids out to eat or a friend on the weekend, but tell me it's too expensive when I ask (which isn't that often). I have a son and he doesn't like my bf (he's a little boy) so I have recently decided that I wasn't going to bring my son around that family anymore. My bf doesn't seem to care either way. He'll talk to me about my son briefly here and there, but there is no connection.

There are so many things that I respect and admire about my man but I don't think he holds the same kind of respect and admiration for me. In fact, he thinks I'm a crybaby, weak and insecure. I'm really bothered by this.

I don't want to break up with him, but I don't want things to continue down this path. If I bring it up, he just closes up and doesn't want to talk about it.

I think I might need to implement my own plan of detaching myself from the whole situation. Maybe that will clear it up a little bit and make him recognize that I am not going to put up with this sort of treatment.

 
Old 04-07-2008, 03:31 AM   #5
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

There is little point in persevering in a relationship where you feel (and seem to be) so undervalued. At the age that his kids are, you are entitled to be up there in importance with them, and I hate the fact that he is so dismissive of your son. Often this careless cruelty is harder to take than conscious abuse and, because it is careless, there is nothing there to work with. You will have to call him on it every time and then you will start to feel like a resentful nag; the alternative is to be disrespected and belittled as you are now. Think hard and long about how important this relationship is to you on these terms. Sera.

 
Old 04-07-2008, 04:15 AM   #6
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

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There is little point in persevering in a relationship where you feel (and seem to be) so undervalued. At the age that his kids are, you are entitled to be up there in importance with them, and I hate the fact that he is so dismissive of your son. Often this careless cruelty is harder to take than conscious abuse and, because it is careless, there is nothing there to work with. You will have to call him on it every time and then you will start to feel like a resentful nag; the alternative is to be disrespected and belittled as you are now. Think hard and long about how important this relationship is to you on these terms. Sera.
I agree. Thank you. It's nice to vent about it.

 
Old 04-07-2008, 05:36 AM   #7
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

I think it's very important to listen to words he said; "he is who he is you have to accept it". That speaks volumes.

His children have obviously learned their ways from him, and he is perfectly fine with it. Personally, I think they (his children) have a problem with you being in the picture. Then the way he is with your son, so uncaring.

I agree that you really have nothing to work with here. I get being second to "children", but come on! They are adults and you deserve to be a little higher up the ladder. But like he said, he is who he is and you have to accept it.

So, that's what you have to think about. Can you accept that this is how your relationship is always going to be? If not (which it sounds like to me) then it's time to move on. Why save a relationship where you are obviously not important?

 
Old 04-07-2008, 07:59 AM   #8
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

he can be "who he is", and I wouldn't accept it.
I used to tolerate being disrespected by men, but I know better now....
I hope you do too.....

 
Old 04-08-2008, 07:27 AM   #9
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

I guess my question is, where do you see the relationship going? If you are still second to his kids (which is understandable in a way...but they ARE adults), and he treats your son with indifference, where can you go? As he said "he is who is he", he obviously is not willing to change for you and from what you have said, he seems very uncaring. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 3 years and things that are important to me are important to HIM because he cares about ME. If he acted the way your boyfriend did regarding the marathon, I would really have to think about what I wanted my relationship to be with him because that is pretty much unacceptable. I think you really need to look long and hard at your relationship and figure out how you want to be treated.

 
Old 04-08-2008, 08:56 AM   #10
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

I guess it depends on what you want out of a relationship in general and what you want out of THIS relationship. His kids don't sound particularly warm to you, I mean, they don't call you "mommy borabora" do they? And his not caring about warming up to your son, well, that's not likely to change, either.

It's easy for me to say dump him over the computer, but I know it's not as simple as that, and all my advice should be taken with a grain of salt anyway since I'm currently alone and have no man at all, so what do I know? BUT...it seems to me that you are simply looking for more than what he's willing to give. Perhaps you need to toughen up a bit, I don't know. But I don't really see that as being the point. If you want someone you can admire and look up to, go out with on occasion when he's not busy with his kids and when he feels like spending on you, and someone to sleep with and hang out with on national holidays, then he's your guy. But if you want someone who can really connect with you, someone who "feels" you, someone who will be sorry you got hurt when his kid knocks you over, someone who takes your feelings into consideration, who likes the way your mind and heart work, someone who wants to be a part of your family, then this is NOT the guy for you.

This reminds me of a scene in a movie called Friends With Money. This woman's marriage was sort of on the rocks, her husband was sort of a non communicative cold fish, and the breaking point was when she bumped her knee on the table leg hard and said OW!! and he was in the next room and didn't respond at all. She got upset that he didn't say "hey are you ok?" or anything like that. He said well, I figured if you weren't ok you'd tell me. But the point was, if she was going to have someone else in her life, she wanted it to be someone who wasn't just dead weight, someone who would care about her welfare more than that. The last scene with her was after she filed for divorce and he moved out, she was staring at his chair forlornly, then she got up, and bumped her knee on the table leg again and said OW!! and the maid who was out in the kitchen called out "are you alright, Mrs??" and she smiled, partly from the comfort of having someone there who cared, and partly from knowing she made the right decision.

It may be fish or cut bait time for you with this guy. You just don't sound really, deep down, completely satisfied with what you have with him. Settle for what he can give you or take the risk of dumping him to find something better? Think long and hard about what you really want and what you're willing to do and risk to get it.

 
Old 04-08-2008, 05:35 PM   #11
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Re: Don't know what to think, Need input.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I guess it depends on what you want out of a relationship in general and what you want out of THIS relationship. His kids don't sound particularly warm to you, I mean, they don't call you "mommy borabora" do they? And his not caring about warming up to your son, well, that's not likely to change, either.

It's easy for me to say dump him over the computer, but I know it's not as simple as that, and all my advice should be taken with a grain of salt anyway since I'm currently alone and have no man at all, so what do I know? BUT...it seems to me that you are simply looking for more than what he's willing to give. Perhaps you need to toughen up a bit, I don't know. But I don't really see that as being the point. If you want someone you can admire and look up to, go out with on occasion when he's not busy with his kids and when he feels like spending on you, and someone to sleep with and hang out with on national holidays, then he's your guy. But if you want someone who can really connect with you, someone who "feels" you, someone who will be sorry you got hurt when his kid knocks you over, someone who takes your feelings into consideration, who likes the way your mind and heart work, someone who wants to be a part of your family, then this is NOT the guy for you.

This reminds me of a scene in a movie called Friends With Money. This woman's marriage was sort of on the rocks, her husband was sort of a non communicative cold fish, and the breaking point was when she bumped her knee on the table leg hard and said OW!! and he was in the next room and didn't respond at all. She got upset that he didn't say "hey are you ok?" or anything like that. He said well, I figured if you weren't ok you'd tell me. But the point was, if she was going to have someone else in her life, she wanted it to be someone who wasn't just dead weight, someone who would care about her welfare more than that. The last scene with her was after she filed for divorce and he moved out, she was staring at his chair forlornly, then she got up, and bumped her knee on the table leg again and said OW!! and the maid who was out in the kitchen called out "are you alright, Mrs??" and she smiled, partly from the comfort of having someone there who cared, and partly from knowing she made the right decision.

It may be fish or cut bait time for you with this guy. You just don't sound really, deep down, completely satisfied with what you have with him. Settle for what he can give you or take the risk of dumping him to find something better? Think long and hard about what you really want and what you're willing to do and risk to get it.
wow, what a great post. thank you. The example from the movie - perfecto!

Ok. He and I have been talking. He says that he feels undervalued and disrespected sometimes as well. (He helps me out a lot financially - I'm a full time student right now) He said he's been feeling unappreciated. I guess, I haven't really told him very often how much I appreciate what he does for me. We don't share our feelings that often. I told him if we shared our emotions with each other more often, then maybe we wouldn't start feeling like that after a while. Then I told him how I felt about him. Then he told me how he felt about me. I feel a little better about it, we'll see...

Here's the deal, I'll be honest with you all...

I have really picked myself up from the bottom. I used to be a stripper, alcoholic, smoker, drug user...and this guy (who I DIDN'T meet in the club, btw) really helped me realize how much I had to give in life. He's helped me pick myself up, quit alcohol, quit smoking, quit drugs, get into nursing school and completely turn my life around. I'm happier now than I have ever been in my life. I don't want you all to think he is THAT uncaring. Obviously, he isn't. And his children, I really think they just have a jealousy issue sometimes when it comes to me taking their dad's attention "away" from them. They are not insensitive all the time.

He's a realist, very logical and methodical. He does show emotion, but more so in action rather than word. He treats me with a great respect as a woman, more so than I've ever been treated before in my life. It's just recently that I've really noticed this insensitivity to my feelings.

My past being that as it is, I still have baggage from being disrespected and treated like a piece of meat. I trust NO man. I have THE HARDEST time trusting my bf (who has never done ANYthing to hurt me or make me even think once he was cheating). I mean, it takes two in a relationship. I have my issues and he has his imperfections as well.

Thanks to everyone who has posted to help! I think I got this under control now. Dueces!

 
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