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Old 04-08-2008, 09:48 PM   #1
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i don't want to be jealous anymore...

So I've posted on here before about my ex-boyfriend and how he cheated on me numerous times in the first few months of our relationship. He was my first boyfriend ever. We were on and off for a year. But after the cheating I was such a jealous wreck. I had never felt jealous or questioned myself beforehand.

So now I am dating someone new..And I feel my jealous feelings coming back a little bit. I think I am scarred from my ex-boyfriend. I really don't want to mess this up..I know my new guy has had a bad experience with a jealous ex-girlfriend.

So what do I do?? Help!
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:09 PM   #2
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

I think the first step is to put it all out on the table, for both of you. Tell him your fears, accept his feedback, and draw up a sort of contract, whereby you can both be more confident in each other. For example, you can tell him if something bothers you, without being accusing or blaming..."I feel jealous and insecure when you.....", or you can just self-talk the same way. He can tell you if he is feeling smothered or pressured by your jealousy. Own your feelings, that is very important with a jealousy issue. You must take on board that it is YOUR issue, not a relationship one (unless you are being cheated on, of course). So, rather than being suspicious of your Bf, be vigilant of your own feelings, and recognize the triggers for them. Examine where you are in your emotional self when these feelings of jealousy hit, and see if you can defuse it yourself, by owning it and self-talking about why this, why now, etc. Cheers, Sera

 
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:15 PM   #3
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
I think the first step is to put it all out on the table, for both of you. Tell him your fears, accept his feedback, and draw up a sort of contract, whereby you can both be more confident in each other. For example, you can tell him if something bothers you, without being accusing or blaming..."I feel jealous and insecure when you.....", or you can just self-talk the same way. He can tell you if he is feeling smothered or pressured by your jealousy. Own your feelings, that is very important with a jealousy issue. You must take on board that it is YOUR issue, not a relationship one (unless you are being cheated on, of course). So, rather than being suspicious of your Bf, be vigilant of your own feelings, and recognize the triggers for them. Examine where you are in your emotional self when these feelings of jealousy hit, and see if you can defuse it yourself, by owning it and self-talking about why this, why now, etc. Cheers, Sera
I know it is definitely my issue because the guy I am dating now has done NOTHING to make me think otherwise. Obviously I had a reason to be jealous with my ex-boyfriend. I was talking with him tonight and I felt the feeling of jealousy come up and it made me sad. I ended up telling him about my ex and how he cheated on me and that it made me a jealous person when I was with my ex. And I was just like if I am ever acting jealous just call me out on it because I want to work on it. But I would rather that not even happen.

I think what I have to dislearn is the constant questioning that I had to do with my ex-boyfriend after he cheated. Like everything he said I picked apart and made it seem like he was doing something bad.
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Last edited by dodedoo; 04-08-2008 at 10:19 PM.

 
Old 04-09-2008, 03:15 AM   #4
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

Good, I am happy you spoke to him. Does it feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders?

What did he say in response?

I think I will be the same when moving onto another relationship. I think I will be jealous and very, very pessimistic. I think it is normal to have these left over feelings from a previous relationship. Doesn't feel good, but I am sure once we find the right, decent man for us, then we will be ok. I hope!!!

 
Old 04-09-2008, 07:58 AM   #5
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

I went through the same thing when I met my husband. My exhusband did a number on me and I was a wreck. I was very honest with my husband when we started dating. He was very honest with me in return. There were a few instances when he would say to me "I'm not your exhusband" when I would get upset over something silly and that was enough for me to stop and look at the situation.

Eventually, as I got to know him and trust him those "issues" went away. I was very aware of my feelings and if something bothered my I told him. After being together for over 3 years I don't have one issue with trust or jealously with him which I think is amazing.

So my advice, just be honest. If he is a decent guy he will understand and work with you. You just have to remember to take everything that happens at face value and don't compare it to the past. Eventually you will start to trust and believe in him (if he is trustworthy that is).

 
Old 04-09-2008, 08:34 AM   #6
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cadburyschick View Post
Good, I am happy you spoke to him. Does it feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders?

What did he say in response?

I think I will be the same when moving onto another relationship. I think I will be jealous and very, very pessimistic. I think it is normal to have these left over feelings from a previous relationship. Doesn't feel good, but I am sure once we find the right, decent man for us, then we will be ok. I hope!!!
I do feel better about telling him. I like getting things out in the open. Well his response was that he had an ex-girlfriend with extreme jealousy issues and that he is not very impressed by jealousy. He told me that he isn't a jealous person. He had to go so we didn't get to talk further about it. But I told him that I am working on it and that if I say something to point it out to me.

Thanks for the advice everyone.
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Old 04-09-2008, 08:37 AM   #7
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
So my advice, just be honest. If he is a decent guy he will understand and work with you. You just have to remember to take everything that happens at face value and don't compare it to the past. Eventually you will start to trust and believe in him (if he is trustworthy that is).
Yeah I just think I need more time. It is still a blossoming relationship. Thanks happymom, honesty seems to be the best thing.
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Old 04-09-2008, 09:46 AM   #8
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

I have a bit of a different take on this. I don't think you should expect your new guy to have to deal with the jealousy. I think you need to deal with it and probably should have before you got involved with anyone. what I mean is this, I have been cheated on before, so had my husband, but I don't think that's an excuse for us to be jealous towards each other, controlling, etc. This is a different relationship, different people. I think understanding is good, but after a while it gets to be a bit much. For example, I dated a guy years ago who was sooo jealous abot everything, if I would go out with freinds he would question me about it and not understand why I wanted to even go out without him, if I went away with freinds he would search through pictures of our trip loking for evidence, etc etc. He had been cheated on, but in my eyes, that was no reason to treat me like that, and eventually I got tired of it and left. Just remember that this is a different guy, and if the worst happens and he does cheat, you would leave, it would be hard, but you would be ok. no sense worrying about things all the time. My husband is a gorgeous, a real catch, I know women like him and try to meet him when he is out etc, but I don't worry about it because I trust him and know he wouldn't risk losing me. But if he did, it would hurt allot for a while, but I always remember that no matter what happens I'm strong and can handle things

 
Old 04-09-2008, 04:30 PM   #9
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Re: i don't want to be jealous anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennie250 View Post
I have a bit of a different take on this. I don't think you should expect your new guy to have to deal with the jealousy. I think you need to deal with it and probably should have before you got involved with anyone. what I mean is this, I have been cheated on before, so had my husband, but I don't think that's an excuse for us to be jealous towards each other, controlling, etc. This is a different relationship, different people. I think understanding is good, but after a while it gets to be a bit much. For example, I dated a guy years ago who was sooo jealous abot everything, if I would go out with freinds he would question me about it and not understand why I wanted to even go out without him, if I went away with freinds he would search through pictures of our trip loking for evidence, etc etc. He had been cheated on, but in my eyes, that was no reason to treat me like that, and eventually I got tired of it and left. Just remember that this is a different guy, and if the worst happens and he does cheat, you would leave, it would be hard, but you would be ok. no sense worrying about things all the time. My husband is a gorgeous, a real catch, I know women like him and try to meet him when he is out etc, but I don't worry about it because I trust him and know he wouldn't risk losing me. But if he did, it would hurt allot for a while, but I always remember that no matter what happens I'm strong and can handle things
I know where you are coming from jennie, but I also think that it would be really hard to work on my jealousy issues without someone. I really don't know how I would work on it by myself. I feel like I need to work on it with a partner, you know what I'm saying?
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