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Old 04-12-2008, 12:30 AM   #1
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Question Desperate for opinions...considering cutting off my family (kinda long)

I came to this site for opinions on something that has been eating me alive...I will try and not make this a novel. I am 39 and happily married with a 2 yr old son. My parents live 2 miles from me. They never call unless they need something. Sometimes this is money...they used to be very wealthy and my siblings (2 older, 1 younger than me) have bankrupted them. My parents hide the fact that they give them money and will let everything get into drastic shape...IRS...banks...threats...you name it, because the cannot say no. My husband makes a nice living and they tell everyone that we have more than we do. I actually think my own mother is jealous of me! That really hurts. When she was my age...she had so much more than I do so I don't understand. I'm a mother now and cannot fathom NOT wanting my child to do well. So, I get upset when I give them money and I know that it is for my no-good siblings that hate me and could get a job. (They always are telling stories about these "big deals" - get rich schemes and my parents believe every word...they actually think they are above working, I guess.) I ask if they are going to give the money to my siblings and they accuse me of being cruel. They don't even care that this is money that could be spent on my son's school fund. I just can't bear the thought of my parents suffering. They all get together a lot and go out to eat...etc. and we are NEVER included. I found out that they went out for brunch on Easter and did not invite us. They told my aunt that they cannot have any fun with us because we are snobby and order strange food. See, my husband and I are restaurant reviewers and like to try new things. But this comment is not true. The few places we have eaten with them in the last year were very casual...and we went on and on how good they were and how much fun it was, etc! They tell us to our faces how they love to ask us "foodie" stuff and want to try more things with us and then judge us behind our backs.

My son's birthday is next week and I told my mom about the party when I was planning it back in January. She is going to a school reunion (one that they have every other year that she has been to several times) and it is on the same day...she has yet to tell me...my aunt told me so that I am not caught off-guard crying in front of the other guests. My parents never come to see my son and then tells all relatives that we "keep him away". That is the thing...everything is always turned around to be my fault. She even said that she could not believe that I did not call HER with Easter plans. She's the mom...but I have to do all the planning if I want to be included.

I have a joint disease and have been in a horrible flare-up since giving birth 2 years ago...she did not come to help me one day after we brought the baby home. She was embarrassed what my inlaws thought about that and made excuses that she was busy with work, but didn't care what it did to me. I could barely hold my baby and even told her that. At the hospital, I had an emergency c-section. My father sat in the waiting room and did not come see me after I woke up...he is a doctor. I don't know if I can get over how much that hurts, ever. He is kinda senile now and I keep telling myself that is why...but if it had been a sibling, he would have been there!

I am at a point where they are forcing my hand. I literally cannot take it anymore. They are old and I feel guilty, but they do not care a lick about me or my family...only what we can do for them or give them. I feel so lonely inside from it and have to decide one way or another. I have not talked to my parents in a month and I saw my mother called twice and left no message. This is her way of "making a case" against me. She can say..."well, I called and she did not call me back"...that way I am the bad one and she doesn't have to tell me she's bailing on her grandson's birthday.

My siblings are all professional victims...so screwed up and my parents are so involved in their lives. My husband thinks this is the key...I am not screwed up enough for them. That I am too "normal" so they feel threatened. He said if I became dysfunctional with a life full of chaos, then maybe they would care more. The truth is I am not perfect. I have chronic pain and my hubby and I are in a money crunch because we are starting a business now...I have a lot of stress. They think that I have it so easy! If they would care to even notice. I try and tell my mom... she says things like, "you're going to be millionaires"...what?!?!?! We haven't made a penny yet! I tell her about my problems to let her see I'm human and that she doesn't have to feel threatened and I really don't think she believes me!

I have had the role of "problem solver" for years. I went to court on behalf of my drug-addict brother when child protective services took his baby away...we became the foster parents for several months (while he told everyone that he wanted to beat us up!). My family treated my brother like he was the victim. We were used to save the day once more. I have met with my parent's attorney, CPA, etc... and handled many a crisis in their business affairs. They are grateful until the job is done and they don't call anymore. I have redone my grandmother's house so that they could sell it...a week later I had surgery, they didn't even call. They bought a house with that profit and I was blamed for not coming to "move" them in...even though my dr. told me not to lift anything. My sister didn't want to work (she and mom were busy shopping and wanted me to go pack up the house). I finally refused. I figured my sister had been "paid" many times over and could do something. Besides, I had just helped make them enough money that they could have hired someone to do it if needed. I just could not knock myself out again. My sister still has not spoken to me over this...it has been 4 yrs. now! She did not even acknowledge my baby's birth. My parents knew this and do nothing but talk obsessively to us about her and how successful she is! It is all lies. Even other relatives comment on it. She is the main one that bankrupted them. This past holiday season, my mother offered to babysit my son so I could take hubby out for a birthday dinner. She said he could spend the night and not to worry. Well, I was apprehensive, but thought they could finally spend some quality time with my son. My mother had planned the entire thing...my sister flew in so that she could see my baby behind my back. My mother lied and said she just happened to show up that morning on a "surprise trip"! My husband and I felt sick when we went to go pick him up...he said "nobody's mom should make them feel this way". This is the same sister who my parents pulled me out of college for...they said they could no longer pay my tuition, so then they could afford to rent her a 2-bedroom apartment to live in BY HERSELF in Beverly Hills! She is 7 years older than me and knew I had to sit out at the last minute...so I got a job and she made fun of me for it.

I am sorry...this is long and very scattered, I know. It is all petty, materialistic and more hurtful than I can describe. I just did not know where to start and honestly, where to end it. It has been years and years of feeling invisible and then blamed. I feel left behind and somewhat hated. And they act like the victims. This is the first time I have written this out...if I start talking about it, I think that I sound like a broken record and feeling sorry for myself. If nothing else...thank you for giving me a forum to get some of it out. It is like finally getting rid of some of the poison! Yikes.

 
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Old 04-12-2008, 06:51 AM   #2
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Re: Desperate for opinions...considering cutting off my family (kinda long)

If this is what you get for saying "yes" to their demands all the time, then what have you got to lose by saying "no" from now on? Seems to me you could hardly be more hurt and disappointed than you are now, but at least you will not be playing their game. Think about it, Sera

 
Old 04-12-2008, 07:33 AM   #3
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Re: Desperate for opinions...considering cutting off my family (kinda long)

you say your parents have a problem saying no, and i think you got this trait from them.
what is compelling you to keep trying to form positive bonds with them? what do you hope to gain from all your effort?
i'm not trying to make light of this, but did you ever hear the expression "you're an idiot when you keep doing the same thing but expect a different result?

 
Old 04-12-2008, 07:48 AM   #4
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Re: Desperate for opinions...considering cutting off my family (kinda long)

I agree with the last post. You are already the one being blamed so just say no. Let the other siblings do for once. It always seems like the "normal" family member gets the crapy end of the deal, thats how it is in my family too, me being the "normal" one. I don't understand it myself....

 
Old 04-12-2008, 01:38 PM   #5
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Re: Desperate for opinions...considering cutting off my family (kinda long)

I can completely understand the whole "normal one gets the crappy end of the deal".

You and your husband have worked very hard to be where you are. No amount of giving is EVER going to change the relationship you have with your parents or your siblings. You are already treated like crap so you have nothing to lose by saying "no" to them. Your siblings are all adults and they can figure it out for themselves. Unfortunately, that probably won't happen until your parents are no longer around to bail them out (and you put your foot down to bailing them out).

I know it is hard, but sometimes you just have to take care of you. You have your own family to worry about now. Make your life as happy as it can be and vow to never treat your children the way you have been. That's really all you can do.

 
Old 04-13-2008, 03:19 AM   #6
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Re: Desperate for opinions...considering cutting off my family (kinda long)

I cannot thank you all enough for all your responses. I have been through a very dark period lately on this. I really didn't expect any b/c I thought it was too long...it just felt good to get it out!


Quote:
Originally Posted by jozi209 View Post
you say your parents have a problem saying no, and i think you got this trait from them.
I think you are right. Also, strange as it seems...I had a recurring dream from when I was very young all the way through my teens. It was always of my father suffering and I was forced to watch...sometimes physical pain, sometimes starving...it was terrifying to me. When I hit 20 and older, I think in a way those dreams came true being abused by my siblings. He had the power to stop it, though, and could not get the strength mustered. I have lost a lot of respect. I have known for years that I am enabling...just the thought of them not able to get groceries destroys me. They have not asked for money in forever. But whenever I am talking to them, I always feel that they are counting the seconds to end the visit..not interested at all. I'm sick of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jozi209 View Post
i'm not trying to make light of this, but did you ever hear the expression "you're an idiot when you keep doing the same thing but expect a different result?
I laughed out loud at this! My aunt is beggin me not to cut them off yet. I told her verbatim "You know the definition of INSANITY? It is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." I think that is why I am in this funk now, because I am finally serious.

This site helped me get through infertilty treatments...so I thought I would give it a shot for this....seriously, thank you so very much!

Last edited by healthseeker; 04-15-2008 at 05:29 AM. Reason: spelling ick!

 
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