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Old 04-24-2008, 06:58 AM   #1
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Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

I have never really been the jealous type. I understand that every person has a past and most of the time, baggage from their previous relationship. What I’m trying to figure out is if I should be worried. The man that I’m with now is simply wonderful. I’m head over heals in love and see a future with him. Now the problem is, he still talks with his ex girlfriend. We are at the beginning of our relationship and they split about eight months ago. They were together for about 5 years. Most of the time she calls him but I have seen that he has called her too when I looked in his phone for a number that he asked me to get. She’s always asking him for favors even though she has a boyfriend (My bf’s old best friend that she cheated on him with) We dog sat for her over the weekend (Their old dog) while she went on vacation. When she came to pick up the dog is when we met. I introduced myself politely and she snapped her name in response, looked around me and told my bf to get her a soda. Quite frankly, I was a little peeved but I held my composer and took my DD up to bed. He stood outside and talked for about ten minutes and stood by the door as they drove off. When he came back in, I told him that there are limitations and cords that you should cut when you enter a new relationship. He does not have children with her, and she treated him like garbage. His response was, “Why can’t we all just get along? I’m friends with her bf and me and her were friends before we started dating so what’s the problem?” I don’t believe that he wants her back but I feel as though she is over stepping her boundaries and disrespecting me.

He is also good friends with his ex’s niece. From what I understand, his ex was a little suspicious of the two of them as well. She seems really nice but I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable with how much they talk. He says that they are ‘best friends’ and when I asked about their past he has said that nothing happened between the two of them. He got REALLY defensive and said that I’m being controlling and he doesn’t need to be baby sat. Right now, I’m just a little stressed and confused as I just moved in with him three weeks ago to a new town, Longer commute, no friends and I’m starting to feel like third place regarding his ex and his ex’s niece. I don’t feel as though I am being taken seriously.

After his tantrum last night, I decided to sleep on the couch since he was ‘trying to get away from me’ when I was merely trying to talk so I could better understand their relationship. (The niece) I feel very much alone.
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Last edited by JulJul22; 04-24-2008 at 01:30 PM.

 
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Old 04-24-2008, 09:05 AM   #2
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Well, I think you're feeling like you aren't being taken seriously because you aren't.

Boy, this is a tough one. Of course I don't want to tell a stranger on the internet to dump her live in boyfriend, but since you have made your position clear and he apparently doesn't care about your position and will most likely not change at all, your choices seem rather limited. You can either stay in the situation, and try to win over the ex and the niece and hope they pose no threat, or you can try to find someone else who is more in keeping with what you consider a good, loyal, devoted boyfriend. But I think you'll most likely be wasting your time expecting him to be part of the solution to your problem.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 09:16 AM   #3
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

If you stay with this guy prepare to feel all alone ...a LOT! He is in such a convoluted relationship with the ex and extended family. He only needs you for sex the rest he can get from the ex and sharing custody with a DOG is just stupid. They weren't even married and holding on to this DOG is there way of keeping in touch...did I mention it is all very STUPID. They weren't married so he shouldn't have all that baggage... When you breakup with someone the normal guy moves on leaving his baggage behind. He can't let go of anything so you are very much stuck in a relationship nightmare. Good luck to you. I would advise you to move on but I sense you seem to think you can change things...you can't.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 11:01 AM   #4
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Like the others have said, if you can't tolerate it now it won't get any better as time goes on. Seriously, I can understand boding over a pet but to have him watch it when she goes on vacation is kind of ridiculous. It is not a child, and I'm sure she could find someone else to take care of it for a couple days. It seems like he will be forever tied to this woman as long as you two are together.

I wouldn't be too keen on my girlfriend continually being around her ex, especially an ex of 5 years that she would have obviously built a huge bond with. I wouldn't advise breaking off the relationship just yet, but let him know that you seriously have a problem with how attached he still is to the ex and her family. The whole "well we were good friends before the relationship" excuse is always a load of crap in my opinion, once you enter into a relationship with a new person that point is moot. Establish how you feel now and let it be known from the beginning.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 11:09 AM   #5
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

8 months is pretty soon to already be in a new relationship and living together. Could this be a rebound relationship? Because she moved on and was with someone so he got with someone to prove he was over her? It just seems a little rushed to me. I've been guilty of it myself (serial monogamist might be a good term) but for the most part I entered the new relationship after I'd been sick & tired of the old one. What were the circumstances of their breakup? Did they break up only because she cheated? Because if so, he could very likely still have feelings of hurt and resentment over how the relationship ended. And the fact that he continues contact with her is not a good sign at all. If you truly believe that there may still be feelings there on both sides, then you may want to rethink living together and move out until he figures out what he really wants.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 12:23 PM   #6
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Redneon-Are you asking if I’m the rebound? I sure hope not. I would be crushed. Due to issues at my previous home, I had to move out and couldn’t find a roommate so we decided to give it a shot. I honestly think that he is sick and tired of his ex. From what I understand, they did not have a very happy relationship and she cheated several times with several different people. Although I know he did indeed have to love this woman as she did not work and she had three kids that he took care of financially. (Not his biologically) From what I understand, she has called him more than he calls her but I know that during at least one of these conversations they talked about me and details of my life that I felt was very inappropriate. When I saw that he called her I calmly asked him what he called her for and he said that he didn’t remember. Okay, so after feeling really stupid for about an hour and not taking to him, he came out and said that he hides things from me because he knows that I would get mad. I don’t think that is anything going on between them I just think that she is over stepping her boundaries and he is letting her. So the way that I see it is, she’s pointing and laughing in my face for having control over my bf and he won’t cut the cord.

I don’t really know too much about the niece as I have only met her once. I think they may have had something going on in the past and have yet to disconnect their emotions or something. I just didn’t like the way that he got so defensive when I asked about their history.

I really do love this man and me and my daughter are trying to adjust and I just want to know exactly what I’m adjusting to. Thank you for your replies. I though I may have been over reacting.
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Last edited by JulJul22; 04-24-2008 at 01:39 PM.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 12:45 PM   #7
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Hiding things from you so you "won't get mad" is not for your benefit, it's for his. People hide things only if there is a reason to i.e. it's wrong and they know it. And why wouldn't you get mad? I would if it were me! And sorry but the ex is not forcing him to do anything. He's able to make his own decisions and he chooses to continue close contact with her. Have you asked him if he still has feelings for her? And if so, were you satisfied that his response was complete and truthful? You have the right to know! I'm responding this way because I had been in a similar situation, where the guy I'm dating not only called but saw his ex pretty regularly and yes, I did get mad and confront him. He told me that yes, he did still love her but he had realized over time that she had done too many things to hurt him for him to ever trust her again. She showed up (uninvited) at his house a few times when I was there and he told her to leave each time, so I felt pretty confident that he was being truthful with me. As time went on, she seemed to finally get the message that he didn't want to ditch me to get back with her, and now she only occasionally calls to see how he is. They talk probably about once or twice a month.

So I've been there and understand your situation. The only one who can change this situation is him, and the only thing you can do is change how you deal with it if he doesn't change it.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 03:32 PM   #8
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Okay I don't want you to take any offense in what i'm about to say.. i'm looking out for your best interest.. but why would you want to even be with a man who would let their girlfriend walk all over him? I'm sorry but if she cheated continuously and not only he put up with that, but also after the relationship ended allowed contact to continue I would be wondering how much of a man he is. How unattractive and spineless IMO.

Just the fact that she was rude to you when you politely introduced yourself and then his statement is "can't we all just get along" totally blows me out of the water. Is he always going to stay under her control and take her side?

He only got mad when you brought up the niece thing because his ex used to bug him with the same question, and yes i'm almost 100% positive there was something going on between them.. he'll take that secret to the grave with him I bet..

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 04-24-2008 at 03:34 PM.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 03:32 PM   #9
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

So he "hides things from you so you won't get mad"? That's not a good sign. Like redneon said, it's for his benefit, not your's. If you respect someone then you tell them the truth whether or not they will "get mad". Hiding things is just insulting the other person's intelligence and is totally inappropriate.

Having friendships with exes isn't a big deal in my opinion. However, there are "boundaries" that should be in place, for example: him not discussing your personal business; her not being disrespectful to you in your own home; him being upfront and honest about their frienship (ie. NOT hiding things). I've said before how my husband is friends with one of his exes, but he has never acted this way and he would never tolerate her acting that way.

You don't feel like you are being taken seriously and I have to agree here. Where was he when she acted like that towards you? Did he just run like a puppy dog to get her a soda? Why in the world does he have so little self respect that he would remain friendly with a woman who cheated on him numerous times? Personally, I would have very little respect for a man who would jump to attention for a woman who treated him that way.

I hate to say it, but I think redneon may be onto something else here. It doesn't seem like he is really over her and may have been using your relationship to get back at her. Why else would he put a woman who treated him so badly higher than you? And the whole thing with the neice, that just seems weird. Why get "defensive" and not talk about it if it is all innocent. Think of it this way, his ex was suspicious and he is still friendly with her, so why can't you be suspicious as well? He certainly doesn't seem to be helpign anything.

I'm sorry JulJul, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I really think you need to take a long hard look at things and decide if this is what you really want for you and your daughter. You seem like a nice young lady and really shouldn't have to be involved in all this drama.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 03:48 PM   #10
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
Did he just run like a puppy dog to get her a soda? Why in the world does he have so little self respect that he would remain friendly with a woman who cheated on him numerous times? Personally, I would have very little respect for a man who would jump to attention for a woman who treated him that way.
I forgot to mention that- the soda thing. Didn't you just want to say, "WAIT HOLD UP HERE, THAT IS NOT GOING TO FLY BY WITH ME!!?!" I would of said, "who the hell do you think you are"..

 
Old 04-24-2008, 04:18 PM   #11
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

I think maybe you have to address the immediate issue, i.e., her rudeness upon meeting you. It's one thing to remain friends with an ex (despite what that ex may have done to him, since that is primarily between them) but it's another thing for him to have ANY friend, male or female, being rude to you. He may not see it as rude because he knows her and obviously accepts her bad behavior whether it be cheating or being impolite.

As far as the niece goes, all you have to go on is what he says. If you feel that he's being dishonest, that's your right. You then have to make a decision about whether you can trust him or not based solely on a gut instinct. Sometimes those instincts are right, and sometimes they're not. Have you spent time with him and the niece? If he is keeping his relationship with her separate from you, I would wonder why. You are in a serious live-in relationship, regardless of the short time frame, and he shouldn't be compartmentalizing his life by having friends that only he spends time with. That's bad for a relationship even if he isn't doing anything technically wrong with this girl.

 
Old 04-24-2008, 04:25 PM   #12
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Well I went down that road before and I will never turn down that street again! HAHAHA! If it's bugging you now, it will always be bugging you. It will be the bane of your relationship. I just read a good relationship help question about this answered by a professional and they said it just doesn't work. The man is being very unrealistic to expect to continue with the EX like there's no other person to consider. It's being very inconsiderate. He needs to either realize that this isn't going to work or you will have to realize that this isn't going to work.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:37 AM   #13
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Thank You for all of your replies. I honestly thought that I was over reacting and would get posts back saying that Iím insecure. LoL As far as the soda, Iím really not sure if he got her one as I had to take my DD to bed so I walked upstairs. As far as why he still remains friends with his ex after what she did to him, I ask myself the same question. Iím trying to dig real deep to figure this one out and itís kind of tricky. I think that he tried to make it work with her because she was the first woman that he dated after the split between him and his wife. His wife was later murdered by a man she went on a date with that she met from a popular networking site. So in a way I think that he kind of felt obligated to try to make it work for his wife (the one that was murdered and mother of his child) so she (his wife) would feel as though it was not in vain. Do I make sense?

While at work yesterday, he sent me numerous text messages saying that he was sorry and he felt horrible. I didnít send anything back in hopes that he let the seriousness of the situation simmer for a while. When I returned home yesterday, I felt as though I had already exhausted my point enough and decided to pop this up on the computer and let him read your comments towards the matter so he could have an outsiderís perspective. He sat in the dark for a minute with head down when I decided to ask him what he thought. He said that he really didnít look at it from my perspective and that he is sorry for making me feel uncomfortable as I already have made some big changes in the last month and I deserve a better start. He then explained the relationship between him and the niece. Nothing ever happened between them and I truly believe him. She (the niece) was there for him when my bf and the ex were going through hard times. Kind of like the rest of the family turned on him but the niece was the Ďnormalí one in the family and understood and pushed him to end it with her aunt because of how he was being treated. Iím going to just schedule a time to go out to dinner with her and get to know her better.

As far as the ex, the next time that she calls, Iím answering and she can tell me what it is in regards to. He is also not going to be doing any more favors for her and is going to be talking to her Ďnowí boyfriend about how much sheís been calling and the fact that the ex only calls my bf while her bfís at work.

At this point in time, itís not really that I donít trust him, but about the Boundaries and limitations in a relationship. I know that heís very much in love with me as I am with him and hopefully this is just a bump in this lovely road called life. And if not, then the road still goes on.
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:19 PM   #14
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Sounds like the live in BF is guilty of having no boundaries as much as his ex.

 
Old 05-16-2008, 07:46 AM   #15
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Re: Boundaries and Limitations within a relationship.

Trouble in Paradise
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