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Old 05-01-2008, 06:16 AM   #1
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Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

Or maybe we both are? Sorry this is REALLY REALLY long and i appreciate you taking your time to read this. This has been a recurring thing the past five months so that's why it's so long. I came to the healthboards because i feel as if she might have BPD or Bi-polar disorder. It would just be nice to get someones input. I'll make it as short as possible. Hope this is coherent.

I went out with this girl for a year, but it eventually came to an end when i wasn't taking responsibility for myself and i guess i let her down, by not getting a job and GED, i knew i let her down and it really upset me. I guess she believed in me, but her friends told her they would have dumped me a long time ago, and i guess it embarrassed her. I don't think i was ready for it to end. I knew i should have had that stuff taken care of before i even tried to jump into a relationship. But when it all came to an end It really hit me hard and i wanted to make things right, then she made a really impulsive decision to go out with one of her ex's which only lasted a couple weeks. I guess he was emotionally unavailable or something, I'm not quite sure. I've been here for her every time she needed me, I'm not sure thats the route to take? But she came back and then she had me go down there and we had sex, and I'm not sure why i thought maybe we had another chance, because thats what she lead me to believe. I guess she suddenly changed her mind when her friends said it wasn't a good idea to give me another chance. So i guess i freaked out a little bit because she started to ignore me. I just called her a bunch and i know that makes me come off as needy and possessive? but i don't really take being ignored very well. Anyways, she told me to quit talking to her so i did for a week, then she came back again and said she was "bored" and we talked on the phone all the time. Yeah i know thats probably not the best thing to do right? Or win them back? Things were going fine for a little while, she said allot of things to make me believe she was interested in me again. This isn't one of them, but one night she said "come be lazy with me" whatever that means? and i was drunk at the time so i said "i want to kiss you" calling her "babe" etc... nothing to big, but was probably dumb on my part. I didn't usually say things like that, but i was drunk and i think when she said "come be lazy" it sort of just put me in the mood to say those things. then when i got back home, she sounded all upset and i wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted her to call me, so i tried calling her and AGAIN she started to ignore me. I flipped out AGAIN. (by flipping out i mean calling her alot)

I called her a bunch of times, because i just wanted to know what was wrong. Is that normal? or should a guy just be ok with someone they care about ignoring them for not really doing anything all that bad? I mean if she says things like "come be lazy with me" can't i say anything back to that? She ended up saying i treated her like sh*t and blaming everything on me, and when i asked her what i actually did, she didn't seem to really have a legitimate answer besides "you know what you did" type of responses. She started saying really hurtful things like she hated me and i "messed her up" and "I don't even want to go out with guys because of you" "Don't worry i won't talk to you again this time" I really don't understand how it even came down to this... because of saying a couple things when i was drunk? (i actually very rarely get drunk anymore) Perfect timing eh? I'm not really sure if she thinks I'm a jerk because I DID say that i wasn't sure if i could just be friends with her. Because it is difficult to be just be friends with someone you love so much.

She says she gave me a lot of chances, but not ever since after the breakup, and not the type that her other ex got.

Actually maybe the guy i am about to mention is the one making her believe I'm some type of crazy loony, because i know he was jealous before a long time ago and said to her "i hope he breaks your heart" He said he changed his mind about liking her anymore because he knew it wouldn't work or something (i really can't recall exactly what he said), so i guess he gave up on that idea, but i know he still loves talking to her (he said he wished he talked to her more when i was on the phone with this guy) and probably gets ****** when i take her talking time away from him or something. ANYWAYS, when i was calling her, she had this guy who apparently was talking to her for the past three hours when i was gone and when all of this happened call me and threaten me to tell me he is going "rearrange my face" "you don't want to know the type of stuff they teach me in the marines" if i didn't leave her alone lol. Note, this is a guy who only wanted to get in her pants and they did couple times in the past, but she ended up crying for i don't know what reason the last time they did (which was a long time ago). And maybe thats why he changed his mind about liking her? He is off in the marines now and last time i knew she said "he has changed" and i didn't really have anything against him, but don't you think that's still probably his motive if he came back and wanted to see her? I guess she was telling him every time i was calling her. Its just kind of amusing to me i guess. But it also saddens me at the same time because she stooped to this level. I'm not saying she likes him or anything, but she may be getting some of these ideas from him so she quits talking to me. I think the whole thing was just blown way out of proportion and yes I did call her a lot of times because i was trying to get a hold of her because i thought we could talk it out like we used to. I guess she may have changed now? I think one of her friends told her to just block me, so thats what she does now when she gets upset. I think its just a cowardly thing to do. It would have been easy for me to just leave her alone if I just got an answer or a legitimate reason why she couldn't even talk to me anymore.

I think it's just pretty low of her to value her other friends way more than me when i was always here for her and her first serious loving boyfriend who cared about her more than any of her other boyfriends. She gave her ex another chance who just abruptly decided not to talk to her, but she suddenly backs out right before we are about to see each other again? So some guy who treats you like crap, has a better chance than someone who has always been there for you? (i guess that makes em more attractive and appear stronger) haha. It could have been because she simply tells everybody that she is about to see me maybe, and they convince her not to do it (because i think she only talks about drama and is probably afraid to tell anybody anything good i do because i messed up the first time). I think her friends may also think I'm crazy because she says things like "oh he's calling me again" so of course they are going to think I'm crazy if she does that right? it just sucks that it has come down to this and her friends think I'm some horrible guy and that she shouldn't talk to me when her friends don't even know me, when really i haven't done anything that wrong that i can think of, it could also be the fact that her other ex she gave a second chance to blew it by hurting her again.

I'm telling you right now, I'm not leaving anything out and the WORST thing i have done to her was call her a ton of times because i wanted an answer. She acts as if thats the worst thing anybody could possibly ever do to her. I have known of many guys treating there girls way worse than that, even some of my friends even. Like cheating, or being abusive? I never did any of that stuff. Not even verbal abuse. I never even yelled at her before. I guess looking needy is just as bad as those things? I don't know if she sees something that i am not, but i thought i was pretty damn good to her, always being there for her when she needed me, but that's probably not the most attractive thing. I mean why would she be attracted to me when I'm just convenient and she can just come around at any time?

I guess i felt as if i should be given that same fair chance as her other ex got, but she doesn't trust me for some reason. All of her friends brainwash her into thinking I'm some type of bad guy with bad motives or something. Is it wrong for me to want that second chance, because i don't want to settle for just friendship at this moment? I know she is also going off to college soon, and I'm not going to beg her to stay or be attached to her when she goes off to college. I just wanted a good summer so she could remember me fondly and as the best, not some crazy guy she thinks i am now....

When we were together she was very impulsive and makes sudden changes in moods (one minute she loves me, one minute she doesn't want to have anything to do with me) I think I'm just fighting a loosing battle. I feel like i can never win and she almost has made me to believe I myself am crazy. Maybe I'm missing something here and you guys can give me a better idea on it?

What i want to know is if it was normal for me to be really angry about her not responding to my messages and calling her a bunch, just to get a simple answer from her? She acted as if that was the worst thing anybody has ever done to her, and i don't get that. I thought any sane person who cared as much as i did would do the same? Is that how i really should be? or just be ok with it instantly? and is that how she should see how guys should be? I know maybe thats a "strong" trait or something, but i don't know many people who would do that if someone they cared about suddenly did that to them. I have been by far the most patient person on this earth with her, and she seems to think she can do better than me? Is it really going to be easy for her to find a guy with as good of a heart as mine? I don't know that many people who are as patient as i am. I know you HAVE to be patient with her, because you don't know whats coming next. One minute she could be happy, and the next you could have doubts if she even cares about you, but i put up with that because i cared about her and always got through it before, I don't know many guys who would go through that like i would. Because i know you have to be patient. It's just now her new style of just suddenly deciding to ignore me that i don't handle very well. Do you think she has BPD or something? right now I'm going to try not to talk to her like i did last time. I'm not taking this too hard as I've been through this a couple times. But when it first happens, it does hurt equally as worse as the first time. She should never expect any person who was in love with her to just suddenly be ok with it when she changes her mind about giving me another chance right? i just hate being lead on and hate being ignored. I didn't mean for myself to come off as obsessive or something, but actually it seems to hurt worse every time it happens. I'm ok now. Dunno what do besides move on and not really ever give my hopes up again.

Sorry for such a long post, i would just like some opinions on it. Tell me whatever you want. I won't mind any criticism, just be completely honest and I'll listen.

Last edited by BryanDH; 05-01-2008 at 06:24 AM.

 
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Old 05-01-2008, 06:42 AM   #2
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chiefan58 HB User
Re: Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

Probably not what you want to hear, but...
I would start by getting a GED and a job. You can't really be responsible for a relationship if you're not responsible for yourself. Sounds like there may be some self esteem issues. Being employed and earning a living should help increase your self esteem.
I think it would be best to stop all contact and focus on being happy for yourself. Once you've achieved this, you'll be better equipped to be happy in a relationship, whether it be this one, or a different one. I think you need to apply the old saying, "if you love someone let them go..." If it was meant to be, it will be. If not, at least you'll be happier... Just my $.02

 
Old 05-01-2008, 06:48 AM   #3
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Re: Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by chiefan58 View Post
Probably not what you want to hear, but...
I would start by getting a GED and a job. You can't really be responsible for a relationship if you're not responsible for yourself. Sounds like there may be some self esteem issues. Being employed and earning a living should help increase your self esteem.
I think it would be best to stop all contact and focus on being happy for yourself. Once you've achieved this, you'll be better equipped to be happy in a relationship, whether it be this one, or a different one. I think you need to apply the old saying, "if you love someone let them go..." If it was meant to be, it will be. If not, at least you'll be happier... Just my $.02
Thanks for being honest, and i know that's what i need to do and could be why she is scared or changes her mind because she figures i haven't changed or grown up. I have ADD and i'm not sure if that's the reason i procrastinate so much and put things off, but when it was all over I really wondered why i didn't do anything because i cared about her so much and would have done anything for her, yet i didn't do anything i should have done and I really beat myself up over it. Sometimes i don't understand why i do the things i do. I really want to get it done and for people to see it, because i know i'm better than that.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 07:09 AM   #4
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chiefan58 HB User
Re: Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

Then don't wait. Get started improving yourself right away! There are a lot of websites that you can go to for GED preparation. Most are free. Here's an example, [url]http://litlink.ket.org/begin_gedconnect.aspl[/url]

Good luck

 
Old 05-03-2008, 04:44 AM   #5
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Re: Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

well, to answer some of your questions, yes, most people think someone you don't want to talk to calling you and calling you and calling you is just as bad, if not worse, than verbal abuse. After all, there are no laws against verbal abuse but there are laws agasint harrassment and stalking, which is what it sounds like you bordered on.

Believe me, I KNOW just how painful and frustrating it can be when you feel someone you care about or love has misunderstood you, or has been given the wrong impression of you or you feel if only you could talk to them, things would be different. But just because we feel that way doesn't mean we have to right to try to make that happen. It takes two, and if one doesn't want to participate, doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to hear it, you can't make them or force them to listen to you.

To be honest, it sounds like you both have issues that need to be worked on individually, and it also sounds like the two of you just bring out the worst in each other. You can really care about someone, but just have a funky, "off" chemistry with them, incompatible energies so to speak.

There's a lot more to being a good fit for someone than how you treat them. Perhaps how YOU think is treating her well isn't HER idea of being treated well. And again, perhaps the chemistry is just off. But whatever the case, if she doesn't want to talk to you or doesn't want to hear your side of things, you don't really have any choice but to respect that and leave her be. As far as what she's doing with the Marine, that's really her business. I know it's painful, but you have to find a way to let that go and find a way to not make yourself crazy with the things you can't control anyway.

It sounds like there's just a very unhealthy dynamic between the two of you, and it perhaps would be best to just leave her alone and move on and let her do the same. Get on your own two feet, build a life you can really truly feel good about and be proud of, and THEN worry about finding a nice girl who also knows who she is and knows what she wants. But I don't think it will be happening with this girl.

 
Old 05-04-2008, 01:50 PM   #6
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Re: Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

Yeah, now that i did it I feel really foolish for it. I just feel like it hurts worse and worse each time and i don't know how to handle myself correctly when it does happen. I just hope i have learned from this and i don't react that way again. I guess i just figured she may answer me and hear me out about some things, but it was just so sudden, i wasn't ready for it all over again. I'd like to be able to just move on, but i guess i just wish she didn't have to remember me this way that's all. What's done is done and i can't take it back. It just sucks loosing a best friend as well in all of this. The whole situation just sucks, and i know you are right that i need to be a gentlemen and leave her alone and things will work themselves out. I just don't know why it seems so much harder to leave things be this time than it was last time.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 04:32 PM   #7
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Re: Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

I've been in a similar situation as you. In my case, my ex-boyfriend cut things off clean because he wanted to be with his ex-girlfriend. I was crazy about him, but he just didn't feel the same about me. After a few weeks of calling him off and on and him never answering, I realized it was REALLY over between us and I made myself physically ill with worrying, stressing, and obsessing over the fact that he was gone and it wasn't going to work out between us. Talk about a knife to the heart: two months after he and I split, I found out through the grapevine that he was with a new girl and that she was pregnant. I totally lost it. All I did was talk about him, think about him, worry about him and it sounds like you are doing alot of the same things with this girl you are so hung up on.

I know how bad it is and how much it hurts and nothing in this world makes it better, but I'm saying all this to say that it does go away. I'm now in a much healthier and happier relationship and I have been for two years now. It hasn't all been smooth sailing because I have an anxiety disorder (which made me act the way I did when after my ex left me) that makes things difficult on relationships sometimes, but I'm working through it. I know you mentioned having ADD, but often times anxiety disorders and ADD will go hand in hand. Have you thought about being checked out to see if you have something like that? I know what is it like and I also know what it is like to come out of a relationship like the one you've been in and actually survive it, so if you need to talk, vent, or whatever don't hesitate. I'll help where I can Best of luck!

 
Old 08-25-2008, 11:35 PM   #8
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Re: Am I crazy or is she crazy? BPD? (long)

I wouldnt label yourself crazy. Maybe momentairly emotional unstable. Sometimes the emotions get the best of us esp in situations with lovers. I would agree that calling someone numerous times is a huge turnoff and can be quite annoying. I had girls do that to me in the past...I mean like 20 times in a night and leaving me a bunch of messages and stuff..it completely changes your whole outlook on the person. If you are both mature you can work it out and stuff but maybe focus on other things right now. Well good luck my man.

 
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