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Old 05-01-2008, 08:47 AM   #1
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I am feeling lost

I have a lot of things going on at the moment. So bare with me.
I am currently in my final year of my phd.

I am facing difficulties in my degree, but before I describe them, I
will first give you a run up of the events which I believe have
contributed to these difficulties I am facing. Some of you will already be aware.

A year ago, my boyfriend (now ex) and I broke up because of the violate
relationship we found ourselves to be in. For five months, from June
to October, we talked about getting back together and I exhausted
myself through doing this. He went travelling for a few months and contact ceased.

We had broken up before roughly a little more than two years ago previously, and I suffered from an intense yet short episode of depression. I was
referred to a cognitive therapy but by the time I had been to a see a
doctor, book appointments, wait for the sessions, I had started to
feel better after about four months. But the depression really terrified me, and really affected my performance at University. I told my head of year about my problems, and they have notes from my doctors detailed my depression in their records. So December last year, to help myself in case I got worse, I applied for counselling at my University. Eventually, I was
given sessions starting in February. These did not help in the
slightest. I have been counselling before, and it had helped a lot,
but these sessions didn't help. I was feeling low, wanted to talk
about how I felt, talk about my failed relationship and break up but
my counsellor dominated much of the talking, and directed the sessions
on the difference in cultures of my parents and how this has affected
me. Every time I left a session, I kept promising myself, I would
change counsellors, but my fault, I didn't.

Anyway, my ex and I have been talking and somehow we are not in the
talks of getting back together. He is also in his final year is under extreme pressure to do well and start working in August.
He keeps saying he can't do with a relationship right now, but his
behaviour suggests otherwise and he did say he wants to see where
things are heading. He wants me to realise he cannot start anything right now, that he needs to concentrate on his finals in five weeks time and he feels very lost about where he is going.
He says he is scared of the violate relationship and cannot start a relationship because it may go back to that and he doesn't want anytihng affecting his performance. I do not blame him and agreed I needed time and space away to concentrate on myself.

We spent the day together yesterday, studying together, and we have
slept together twice. The previous evening he had opened up to me,
telling me he was scared, and under so much pressure, he doesn't know
where he is going in life etc. He wants to slowly take it easy, to see
where we could go. This is what I wanted, so I should be happy. I too wanted to see where things are going, what I am doing etc. But lately, my gut is telling me no.

Since January, I have been feeling very low. I do not feel depressed
like I did two years ago, but for along time, I have not been able to
enjoy myself, I feel guilty about feeling good or having a good time.
I have applied to a few jobs and extra courses. I went for an interview at a univeristy, as it has always been my dream to go there. I also applied for to another but failed to turn up for an interview. I also didn't attend an assessed presentation of my dissertation. I had spent weeks preparing for it, yet when it came down to it, I felt like I couldn't go through it. Also, I had been lucky enough to attend a day at a prestigious company, but didn't show for that either.
I have handed it all pieces of coursework later, and have not attend
one exam so far out of five.
I am terrified of not getting the results needed to get into the place where I have been accepted.
I doubt I will.
I have not spoken to my supervisor about this, but will do soon. But I feel so ashamed, that's why I have left it this long.

My parents are looking forward to my graduation. I just feel like such a failure and don't deserve to graduate.
I have won an award for something, and I can take a guest to the ceremony, and I thought about taking the ex, then thought my dad would deserve to come and see me collect the award. But again, i feel like a fake.
I don't know what to do. I feel so low, yet I don't want to go to the
doctors because I don't feel as though I am very depressed...or am I?
I feel lost. What if I on't get the results needed to progess onto my dreams? Have I destroyed my dream? How did I let it get to
this?
I know my ex is causing me to feel worse, and I am strongly
considering letting it go once and for all. I wanted him to be there for me, but he isn't. I feel so alone. I don't want to talk to my family, I do not want them to think I am the failure I am.

Thank you for reading this, sorry it has been fairly long.

Last edited by cadburyschick; 05-01-2008 at 08:55 AM.

 
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Old 05-01-2008, 09:16 AM   #2
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Re: I am feeling lost

I think that you ARE depressed and this is causing your withdrawal from your life. Your lack of motivation, energy, optimism and your destructive behaviour all sound like you are quite severely depressed. You don't always have to feel "sad" in depression; it can be just a complete "what's the point?" emptiness. Go to a counsellor you can relate to - you have had success in the past, don't let this one unsuitable counsellor put you off. I would also put the BF situation well on the back burner for now; you don't need this confusion in your life at the moment. Let him get through his studies, get your depression dealt with then see where you are at afterwards. Go and line up a new counsellor ASAP. Good luck, Sera

 
Old 05-01-2008, 09:20 AM   #3
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Re: I am feeling lost

I had very little time to read your post and think over it, as I am about to go out somewhere. Sorry, but this is what I have found:

You don't seem exactly depressed, but you seem to be lacking energy (or health?). Really, physical energy. It is probably something about your body first of all.

Perhaps you have been eating very poorly these days, not getting plenty of exercise and sunshine (hope there is some sunshine already in your location).

So, please, find some time in your schedule to look after your body: straighten up, throw all the junk foods away (if ever you eat them), and start moving your body slowly but regularly. A good idea is to tidy up your room. When was it the last time you did it?

My thought is that if you start tending your body right now, you'll be doing your mind and your soul a big favour, and with energy you'll be able to improve in all areas.

More later?

 
Old 05-01-2008, 10:35 AM   #4
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Re: I am feeling lost

I completely agree with Seraph. Depression comes in many forms and you definately need to find someone you can work through this with. Keep "shopping around" for the right therapist. They are not one size fits all.

Also, please try to keep your ex last on your list. You both have a lot going on and all of this right now is only further messing with your head. Take care of yourself and your studies. Once everything is a little easier to manage reevaluate that situation. I think with a clearer head you will see things regarding him in a whole new light.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 10:39 AM   #5
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Re: I am feeling lost

I was tempted to see a doctor today. But I don't know what to say. I was thinking of printing off a list of symptons and checking off the ones I have, explaining about missing exams/ interviews/ work expereince etc.

I think I'll go tomorrow.

But I was reading up on the difference between grief/ depression. Grief is short term and you can see things improving in the future. I can - in the next 6months to a year but not right now. In fact, I think I just feel worse over the next few months especially.

I just don't know what to do. Plus, I feel as though doctors never take me seriously and its like I have to convice/ put forth my case.

I just want help and support and to be honest I am so sick of "talking" I just want to feel better, even for one day.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 10:51 AM   #6
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Re: I am feeling lost

I agree with Sera as well. You ARE depressed and are finding little joy in life. This depression is holding you back, is the reason why you are making poor decisions, and also the reason why you can't exactly see the good in what you are doing. Wow, a PHD??? Do you know the few people in this world who can actually accomplish this? This alone is pressure and stress, and the depression is not allowing you deal with it all right now. YES, you DO need to seek out a counselor. Sometimes once you start to hear yourself talk, it all starts to make sense. You need to get these thoughts out of your head.

I also think you need to stop seeing the ex. He is only confusing you more. Saying he wants to take things slow but yet you are sleeping together? Those are mixed messages. He is having his cake and eating it too. I don't know the past details of your relationship, but you broke up for a reason. You will not feel better about yourself if you rely on him or the relationship you once had with him to make you feel better. Like you said, it was violate relationship.


Also, you may need depression medications to help you through all of this. I once went on meds for some situational depression and I swear they kept me from going off the edge. I didn't want to leave my house and I felt so low inside. It was horrible. I went to counseling for about 8 months and took the meds for about a year. It really helped. Sometimes things are chemical and medical help is needed, so please be open to this.

I wish you the very best in all you do. You are a very smart and worthy person. Don't let anyone take this away from you. PLEASE PLEASE seek out counseling and stick with it. You have complete outsiders telling you this is what you need. Some of us have been there before. If anything, it might be good to post your feelings on the depression boards. Those boards are very helplful!

 
Old 05-01-2008, 11:24 AM   #7
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Re: I am feeling lost

Hello Keltokel

Could you tell me more about your experience, going on meds?

 
Old 05-01-2008, 12:07 PM   #8
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Re: I am feeling lost

You must know from all that mental health you have received that you have absolute control over everything. You have it in your power to change everything. That guy you keep in your head is smart enough to know that all his own behavior is in his control...he knows exactly what he is doing. Even when he clues you in you choose to put your own spin on it....you interpret everything as him wanting to be with you and he really doesn't. but ...He will take what you want to give him and doesn't have to give you anything in return. Move on...keep your eye on the prize of getting your degree....you are sabotaging your own education and are blaming him for it. It has nothing to do with him.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 12:40 PM   #9
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Re: I am feeling lost

hi,
I can kind of relate to you. I broke up with my ex(for the last time)just under two weeks ago. I ended up going into Uni to see my tutor for my dissertation and ended up in councelling services crying my eyes out. I then when to see my tutor and cried further and have ended up getting an extension formy work. They are due next tuesday and wed and i haven't started..yes this i my dissertation. I have another extension for another assignment.
You need to go back to uni and get to see a different counsellor. You then need to see your tutor. Otherwise you won't get any help. The only way you are going to feel ANYWAY better is to stop contact with him. I know its hard but i've had to do it..Will you look at what its doing to you. Do you really want this one guy to effect the outcome of ur phd, all that work. i've worked my butt off to get where i am but theres no way i'm going to let my ex ruin this for me.. You should be thinking the same.
goodluck
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Old 05-01-2008, 01:01 PM   #10
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Re: I am feeling lost

If you really deconstruct the whole thing, it looks like you and the ex are in the same place, emotionallly. To me, I would think that it's time for both of you to take the time you need for yourselves and get your own lives back on track, seperately. If it is meant to be, down the road, when you are both in a good place, then it will be. Even a healthy relationship takes work.

If you keep going around on this carousel, neither one of you is going to accomplish anything. I know this is not as easy as it sounds, but what you are doing now, is definitely not easy, nor is it working.

I agree with the therapy and even possibly some meds to help you out of this depression. (Yes, I do believe you are depressed) Most people that have a plate as full as yours, are prone to depression and anxiety.

Therapy is definitely not a one size fit's all type of field. You do have to try a few, sometimes, if the fit is not right. I was very lucky with mine. But I knew a lot about him, before I went. I know a person who has seen him for several years and felt he would be the right one for me. And he is.

I know it's hard to just put the relationship on hold, but I don't see either of you, getting where you need to be, without doing that. This way, you are not saying it is the end, just a break from all of the emotional baggage, and that way it won't seem so final. Like a sabbatical from each other.

Best of luck. I hope you can work this out.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 01:26 PM   #11
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Re: I am feeling lost

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
You must know from all that mental health you have received that you have absolute control over everything. You have it in your power to change everything. That guy you keep in your head is smart enough to know that all his own behavior is in his control...he knows exactly what he is doing. Even when he clues you in you choose to put your own spin on it....you interpret everything as him wanting to be with you and he really doesn't. but ...He will take what you want to give him and doesn't have to give you anything in return. Move on...keep your eye on the prize of getting your degree....you are sabotaging your own education and are blaming him for it. It has nothing to do with him.
Excuse me. Forgive my intrusion. I always appreciate and respect your comments on this board, but I am afraid I can't agree with you on this (text in bold type). Ok, this is a digression and this post may be deleted (if nothing worse happens) for this, and I know you are not even speaking to me, but I couldn't resist it. Possibly it's just my personal opinion, and you should never take it as an attack, but I don't believe anyone has it in their power to change everything, if I have understood you well. What everyone has the power to do is to try to change things or themselves, but noone - as far as I know - can have the guarantee that they will succeed in doing so, even if they try hard. Anyway, to me what really counts is to attempt, not to succeed, which may happen or may not happen, because noone has absolute control over everything.

 
Old 05-01-2008, 01:46 PM   #12
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Re: I am feeling lost

Pendulum and Cadburyschick: I believe what AnnD is saying is that we all have control over how we perceive things. And that, I have to agree with. Perception is a personal choice. We can't control how other's behave or perceive things, but we do have control over how we choose to see or hear things. Maybe that's just a point to "agree to disagree" with. IMHO

 
Old 05-01-2008, 04:29 PM   #13
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Re: I am feeling lost

Quote:
Originally Posted by cadburyschick View Post
Hello Keltokel

Could you tell me more about your experience, going on meds?
I was on Wellbutrin XL for about a year for my depression. There were some deaths in my family, I had lost my job, and it was supposed to be the happiest time in my life b/c I was about to get married. However, all the stuff that I was going through made me miserable. My husband (fiance at the time) begged for me to get help. I had little joy, sat in a dark room, cried all the time, couldn't even function b/c I was in such a funk. I felt unworthy of happiness too - like I didn't deserve it. It was horrible. I can't believe I felt that way b/c that was never me!

Wellbutrin and counseling just slowly pulled me out of it. I don't think I could have beat the depression with just one of them. The wellbutrin really helped me with the anxiety I was having and I just felt better overall. I do have to say that these meds work differently on everyone so what worked for me may not work for you. However, I just feel that if what you are going through has anything to do with a chemical imbalance, it is worth looking in to. You sound pretty low right now and I remember that feeling.

Hope this helps.

 
Old 05-06-2008, 08:47 AM   #14
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Re: I am feeling lost

I experienced severe depression a couple of years ago. It was very intense, and like Kelkotel, I didn't go out, I sat in my room, cried my eyes out constantly, didn't eat, had the most awful thoughts about myself. I finally came through after five months but it totally destroyed me.

I think I am depressed now but have put it off for months and months because it isn't as intense as what I experienced those years ago. I don't have sucidal thoughts like I did before, and don't cry endlessly. Rather, right now, it isn't intense but has been constant for almost a year now. I feel very negative, I am forgetful, I can't remember the last time I was happy on the inside.

I kept putting off seeking help because I just presumed I would snap out of it. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and here I am. Still behind with assignments, and on the verge of failing and ruining my life plans. If I ruin these plans, which I am course to do, I fear it is only going to make me feel worse.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed but I need to speak to the head of my faculty.
I've also missed an exam, I also did that two years ago.

I have an awards ceremony on Thursday, but feel as though it is pathetic. I wanted to take my Dad so he would be proud, but I just feel like a fake. I don't even feel like I deserve my parents anymore.

I feel so low, and so desperate.

As for the ex. Well, we have agreed not to talk until we both complete our courses in around 4-6 weeks time.

 
Old 05-06-2008, 09:00 AM   #15
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Re: I am feeling lost

You don't have to be suicidal to need therapy and/or meds. I think it's time. Look how much you have accomplished and how much is at stake. You owe it to yourself, to get the help you need.

Don't wait any longer. I do not believe this is going to get better on it's own. Take your dad to the ceremony. He'll be proud of you. You might feel like a fake right now, but the award is real, and I'm sure he would love to be there to share in your experience.

Take care and don't hesitate any longer. It's time.

 
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