don't know what to do - Relationship Health Message Board

ghunt · 05-13-2008, 08:46 AM

I posted about this a couple weeks ago, but I'm doing it again because I just feel like I need to talk, and maybe I'll get some answers too.

My girlfriend of a year a two months broke up with me on March 21st.

We had a good relationship, I was happy, I always enjoyed seeing her, we did all sorts of things together, talked almost daily. I felt like she was one of the best people I ever met; she was so many things I wasn't and she changed me for the better. She was my best friend. She was also my first serious relationship and my first long-term sexual relationship.

Then out of the blue, on that day, she tells me we need to talk. Tells me that we're at different stages of our lives, that she wants something more "serious," that it's not anything I did or could have changed but she's been doing some thinking, and decided this was for the best. But, she wanted to stay friends.

I was more or less OK with it for about two weeks and then I just fell apart. I had been talking to her that whole time, and then the one day I guess everything hit me and I broke down, and I have not felt normal since then. I've cried more in the last month than I ever have.

I've been pretty depressed for the last month or so. I'm not eating much or as regularly as I had been. I don't feel very excited about much of anything lately. Hell, I've even been talking to a couple girls that are interested in me but I just don't really care that much.

All I can think about is that I want her back. Seemingly everything reminds me of her. Hell, when the weather started getting nice, it made me think of last spring when we flew to Houston for my brother's wedding. While we were there we drove out to Galveston, walked the beach, had a great time.

I went on a trip to Florida with my brother last week, we even visited the keys and did some other fun stuff, and I still felt awful most of the time because it was a trip I had wanted to take with HER.

Yes, I have been talking to her on a semi-regular basis since the breakup. I know everyone has told me not to talk to her but I just can't do it. I really don't have any close friends these days. She is still a good friend and she's been pretty supportive, and I feel better when I talk to her.

I talked to her online the other night when she was having some problems with her insecurity and was talking about how she wanted to be "wanted." Last weekend she told me she was sick of dating already. I asked her why she broke up with me if she wanted to be "wanted" and was sick of dating. She reiterated that we're at different stages of life. She says I'm a great guy, just not a great guy for her. Then later she said that I wouldn't respect her if she came back to me and said "I don't want to be alone." She said that the "easiest" thing would be for us to just "fall back in" but that that wouldn't be "good or healthy for either of us." Why? I want her back anyway, how would I not respect her? Why would it not be good to get back together???

I just don't understand. I don't understand how I'm supposed to feel about all this and I'm confused about the feelings I do have. I'm afraid I'll never meet anyone as good as her and I don't even know if I really want anyone else. I guess I need to have a talk with her to maybe try and clear things up but I'm not so sure if it'll make me feel any better.

This is just killing me. I'm not busy enough at work to keep my mind off it, and I've been trying to find things to do in the evenings because I can barely stand to be in my apartment, but that's still not helping all that much. I hate this.

ergo4 · 05-13-2008, 09:31 AM

I hear ya brother! I think most of us have been there. You've been with someone that you feel like you absolutely match with and then one day they say that it isn't what they had hoped for despite you (me, everyone in the situation) feeling content in the relationship. All I can offer is that time will make things better. And while she seems like the best girl on the planet right now, there are hoards of wonderful girls out there that you just haven't met. And maybe for a while you will have to date some girls that you do not perhaps think are great matches but that is the essence of "dating". It is trying to find that person you connect with. Since my break-up last summer I have been trying to date with enthusiasm and it is difficult. The unfortunate thing about this kind of heart break is that you will find yourself comparing your dates to your ex and think about how wonderful she is. That too will fade a bit over time but I know that it happens. Again, she isn't the only star in the universe; you just have to remember that.

I realize that I'm telling you all the clichés regarding time and "plenty of fish in the sea" but it is true. You will hurt for now and later you will realize that you have grown from the experience. And, in fact, you may seek out someone with many of the same qualities as her and you will find someone probably even better. How can someone else possibly be better? This other she will have the same strong feelings and connection for you as you do for her – it doesn’t get better than that!

Regarding staying friends, that is a tough one. I had to let go of my friendship with my ex. He was not only my lover but my best friend for 2 years. I am 9 months out and I still hurt and I still feel awkward dating other people but I'm getting better as the days go on. The problem with staying friends in your situation is the fact that you still really want to be with her and that will totally influence your “friends-only” relationship. The fact that she is dating and not having a good time of it is why it is relatively "easy" at this time – what happens when she finds someone who she feels a great connection and chemistry with? Will you want to listen to her talk about her great times with this other person? I, too, did the not eating thing and felt like crying all the time. The thing to do is take care of yourself and understand that you have to move on. I'm not telling you cannot be friends but being friends may prevent you from fully moving on since, in this situation, there seems to be an imbalance of attachment.

Take care!

ghunt · 05-13-2008, 10:18 AM

Well, I'm hoping that she might stay single for awhile...then I won't feel so bad. Coupled with the "sick of dating" comment, she started a new job right at the same time we broke up, and she is just so busy now- she works at that job four nights a week, another job one night a week (just for health insurance) and then is a self employed lawyer and does that during the day. If I was still with her I would almost never see her, and she even told me that she's so busy now she doesn't feel like she has time to worry about guys or a relationship.

That's slightly comforting, but yeah, doesn't make me feel much better.

If you're 9 months out and still hurting, that scares me. I don't want to feel like this for 9 months

ergo4 · 05-13-2008, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghunt

If you're 9 months out and still hurting, that scares me. I don't want to feel like this for 9 months

I'm moving very slow as I have some extreme abandonment issues (sorry to sound like a bad pop psychologist, but it's true). Also, this ex that I'm having such trouble getting over was the person I was with when my marriage dissolved, so I went from having a nightmarish marriage to what seemed like a perfect relationship. I think it was the juxtaposition of the two relationships that makes me yearn so much for my ex. Having said that, I keep trying to remind myself of all the things about him I didn't like (which were not personality issues but more actions that hurt me that I allowed him to do).

I'm actually going on a date tonight and am quite excited about it. I have no idea if it will pan out but this is one of the first times in a long time that I have been reminded that there are great guys out there. And as I said in my initial post, there are great girls out there (she says speaking as a great girl). You'll look back on this in years and think to yourself, "why did I emotionally invest in a relationship that was not completely reciprocal?" (i.e. don't sell yourself short)!

So, don't despair, my 9 months out thing is based on a complex series of emotions and life changes -- not necessarily mourning the loss of the relationship at this point but more about losing myself in it for so long!

ghunt · 05-13-2008, 02:41 PM

Well I guess what hurts is that the relationship WAS reciprocal...she was a sweetheart, in fact thinking back on it I have felt that I kinda took her for granted and she did more for me than I did for her. That may or may not be the case in her eyes and probably had nothing to do with the breakup, but the fact that everything evaporated so instantly is hard to comprehend, you know?

The whole thing is a long story...I told her that I loved her a bit too early in the relationship and she gave me a big talking-to about that. Afterward I was unsure about saying it (we even had a little joke going about it where we would close e-mails or conversations with "(verb) ya" ), and related to that or not she didn't really say it either...and then toward the end of the relationship she said something about "moving away from the "L" word" and I just dunno... she said she didn't feel like we were in love, when we broke up. I thought I loved her, but maybe I don't know what love really is. I just know it hurts to not have her