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Old 05-13-2008, 03:05 PM   #1
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Men and mixed signals.

Ok guys, please try to help me shine some light on this situation. I met a guy who is a few years older than me, who was actually tutoring me for a little while in physics and that's how we met, at a classroom style tutor center. He has the most incredible personality and I slowly became more and more attracted to him. We would run into eachother outside of the tutor center and he was always find a way to be a little "touchy" but still appropriate because in the classroom setting, he's basically my teacher. He would do things like brush his hand against my arm when talking or when I'd first see him, an extra long hug, that sort of thing. After my class finished and I didn't go to the tutor center anymore, I ran into him again, and he said I should meet up with him and his friends that night. We didn't hang out then, but the next weekend I said we should meet up and went to the bar he and his friends were at. His best friend came up to me and said I should "go for it", and I'm not sure what that even meant, and I never found out b/c my crush came over so we stopped talking about it. We hung out again the following weekend (again, from me initiating it) and we seemed to really click and his actions seemed way more flirty, but still vague. He would try to touch my waste, give long hugs a lot, say that he was impressed by certain things I said...it seemed like he was interested. But I'm ALWAYS the one to initiate contact. I wanted to see if he would actually try to initiate hanging out the following two weeks so I didn't try to hang out and nothing... I don't get it. Why would he seem so interested, and seem like he had so much fun when he was with me, but then never initiate hanging out. He's in grad school and a very busy person, so it could be that...but it still doesn't explain everything. Maybe he finds the whole teacher-student sorta thing awkward. He doesn't show that he wants to hang out or make the effort to but when we do, he seems very interested. I think he knows where I stand since I'm always the initiator to hang out and would flirt back (but mildly, not obvious or hanging all over him at all). So which is it? Interested or not? Too many mixed signals for me to tell.

 
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Old 05-13-2008, 03:52 PM   #2
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Smartpants HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

perhaps he has a girlfriend or wife (or both LOL). as Dr. Phil often says, "a man will move mountains to be with the woman he wants to be with," if this guy was that interested...he'd make it happen...id guess there is something else going on..

 
Old 05-13-2008, 05:54 PM   #3
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Redneon82 HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

Or he just "wanted some". Not a real date or anything, just a hookup. If he liked you as a person and wanted to date you, he'd call you. And his friend telling you to "go for it"...it sounds like a guy trying to get his buddy hooked up for sex. If he doesn't call you soon, I'd forget it. Unless you are in the market for some casual sex (and since you seem to really like him I doubt that's what you are looking for) then I'd just leave it alone.

 
Old 05-13-2008, 07:19 PM   #4
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Re: Men and mixed signals.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
Or he just "wanted some". Not a real date or anything, just a hookup. If he liked you as a person and wanted to date you, he'd call you. And his friend telling you to "go for it"...it sounds like a guy trying to get his buddy hooked up for sex. If he doesn't call you soon, I'd forget it. Unless you are in the market for some casual sex (and since you seem to really like him I doubt that's what you are looking for) then I'd just leave it alone.
Honestly, if I just read my message, I would definitely say the same thing...he probablly just wanted some. Problem is, we have been in a situation where that side definitely would have come out in him and it didn't. After the second time we hung out, he and his friends came to our apartment (2am) to go in the spa, which was pretty out of the way for them since they lived close to the bar that we were at and none of us had our cars so they had to take a cab all the way back. After the spa, we were talking ON MY BED for a long time. Talking about career goals (we both want to go into medicine), and life in general. All we did was talk, and he was being cute and would do little cuddly things, but never once tried to see if he could "get anything else" out of the situation. We didn't even kiss, he was very respectful the whole time, showing that he wanted to be touchy and close but wanted to move at a slow speed and see how I would react. He never attempted anything else, and actually wanted to talk and lie next to me on my bed. I just think that if he was looking "to get some" it would have been more obvious at that moment. Which confuses me even more.... If he is seeing someone else, that would make a lot more sense, but I still don't know.

 
Old 05-13-2008, 08:03 PM   #5
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lemondrop HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

I agree with Smartpants. It is very possible that he is attracted to you but that a significant other might also be in the picture. I have been in this situation before where a guy seemed interested, every sign in the book, but he never did anything about it. I always found out there was another girl in his life.

 
Old 05-13-2008, 08:17 PM   #6
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Redneon82 HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

Could be. I met a great guy at work and I could tell there was chemistry between us. But he explained to me that he was seeing someone and while he thought I was a great girl, he wasn't available. He would call me every so often and we'd talk for HOURS but that was as far as it would go. I actually admired him for respecting the lady he was seeing enough to refuse to go out with me, even though I could tell he would have liked to. So it's possible that he is dating someone whom he respects even though he likes and is attracted to you.

 
Old 05-14-2008, 12:28 AM   #7
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Re: Men and mixed signals.

ummm no, it may not mean he just wants some. Some guys just dont like being rejected because of friends laugh at us (in a firendly way, but its always annoying and fun if it is me who is naking fun of someone). Sometimes it could just be that we dont want to be said "no" or "i cant" cause of it.
Another thing could be that he is shy, but just not shy when he is with you. one of my best friends was really shy when he wanted to get close to a girl and some girl friends and some of us (his friends) kinda hooked them up, and I myself am sometimes shy when it comes to trying to get close to a girl. It usually happens when it is someone i dont know very much and jst dont want to screw it up.

what you can do is look how he behaves with you, if he is a little bit innapropiate or too innapropiate he is looking just to get some and not doing it right (but doesnt seem to be the problem), if he really is as you say it does seem he is intrested (if it was he just wanted to get some, then most problably ask people around him if he is like that).
Try to see what happens


Edit: jst read the part where you think he might be seeing someone else, the easiest way to find out is asking him or his friends

Last edited by moore05; 05-14-2008 at 12:35 AM.

 
Old 05-14-2008, 12:46 AM   #8
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cmpgirl HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

I know it sounds kind of "high school", but if you feel comfortable asking one of his friends, you might get the answer. I'm not talking passing notes or calling up giggling like a teenager, but if you happen to run into one of his close friends, you can casually ask if he is single or with someone. You can even start by saying something like, "Hey, I never see So and So with anyone but you guys, does he have a girlfriend we haven't met?" It might just get the conversation flowing in the right direction for you to get your answer.

Just a thought........

 
Old 05-14-2008, 02:04 AM   #9
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AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

I guess I would have to ask him. There could be a thousand reasons for his actions...from being gay to being too tired and or be on a medication that lowers sex drive. ...who knows! soooo ask him.

 
Old 05-14-2008, 06:25 AM   #10
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Re: Men and mixed signals.

Just my two cents, but it sounds like way too much drama over a guy who has never even asked you out on a date. I know everyone says young people don't really 'date' these days, they 'hang out' and see if they want to 'hook up' but they don't ever actually go out on a date. Personally, i think that's what causes all this confusion and drama.

But I agree that it could be any number of things, but really, does it matter? If he's too shy to ask you out, is it then your job to build up his confidence so he can make a move? Or is it your job to make the first move, the second move, the third move, until you are doing ALL the heavy lifting in the relationship? If he's seeing someone else, is it your job to hunt down the facts, or is it his job to come clean with you now? If he's secretly gay, is it your job to help coax him out of the closet? I don't really think it's your job to figure out WHY he's not making a move on you. I think all you need to know is, he's a great guy to have fun with and chat with, but he's not emotionally available for romance with you. After all, men aren't expected to be mind readers or to poke and pry and ask our friends if we seem to not be as into them as they think we should be, why should we? Enjoy the hugs, enjoy the chats, and keep looking for a nice guy you can talk to, get sweet hugs from, AND who will actually ask you out on a date and who will actually want to kiss you, romance, you, etc.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-14-2008 at 06:31 AM.

 
Old 05-14-2008, 07:01 AM   #11
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

Maybe he is just a friendly guy? My husband hugs his female friends but that doesn't mean he wants anything. Some guys are just friendly. Every touch or hug from a guy doesn't automatically equal "sex" or "sexual feelings".

If it is bothering you so much then just come out and ask him. You will never know what he is actually thinking unless he tells you anyway. You could keep on guessing, but I don't see how that is going to help.

 
Old 05-15-2008, 12:04 PM   #12
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NicoleB5524 HB User
Re: Men and mixed signals.

Thanks everyone for your input. You all had a lot of great insights and I really appreciate them! As for asking him, or even asking his friends about what the deal is, I would love to do just that. But since I don't ever see his friends (I've only met them once), and never even see much of him anymore, I'm thinking I'm just going to let it go for now, and if things change and we meet up again, I will casually say something to find out what the deal is. I think time will tell. Either it totally fades out, or we hang out again b/c he contacts me and I get to figure out what's been going on.
It's just frustrating b/c I really like his personality and who he is as a person, and I have become so attracted to him b/c of that. Oh well! I just want to know how he could seem so interested in me, and then his best friend ask me if I were interested and then tell me to "go for it" (so obviously he was talking about me), and then not make much of an effort to hang out. I know he has been going out of town a lot for grad school stuff, and I have reason to believe another girl may be in the picture. I actually hope that's the case instead of it just being me, and wondering if I did something wrong. Where are the men in this forum anyway? I want to hear a guy's input and see what they think the issue could be (Although the ladies have been extremely helpful too! I appreciate all advice).

 
Old 05-20-2008, 03:34 PM   #13
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Re: Men and mixed signals.

I think if you're the initiator the majority of the time, then the balance of the scale is tipped, meaning he is just not that into you.

 
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