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Old 05-17-2008, 03:10 PM   #1
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I cannot stand happy couples at all

I hate seeing couples who are happy and in love. I've felt this way since I was around 16, it makes me so self loathing. I've been to a few weddings in my life and I absolutely hate them and I can never be happy for the couple getting married. I don't understand how you can be so happy for someone who has something you don't have or something you want so badly but can't seem to ever get which for me is love.

My friend is in a relationship and I am usually burning with envy everytime I see them kissing, hugging and saying I Love You. It makes me want to sabotage their relationship and break them up. I know this isn't moral to feel this way, but I cannot help it. Everytime I used to be around them I couldn't wait to get away. I used to feel so miserable and angry, it would send me to tears crying every night because i don't have anyone of my own. I never had someone love me, and feel so passionate about me in my entire life.

Last edited by JennyLee123; 05-17-2008 at 03:10 PM.

 
Old 05-17-2008, 03:42 PM   #2
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

hi, just asking....... how old are you? what was your parents relationship like etc just wanting some background info as ive read a few good books about people who feel this way

 
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Old 05-17-2008, 03:45 PM   #3
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

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hi, just asking....... how old are you? what was your parents relationship like etc just wanting some background info as ive read a few good books about people who feel this way
i'm 24. My parents have been married my entire life, they've always been together--never separated or anything like that. They had their usual ups and downs but nothing major.

 
Old 05-17-2008, 04:15 PM   #4
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

Well they're not doing all that stuff to make you mad or anything, in fact you have nothing to do with any couple's happiness, so you have no right to get angry at them, really. I really think you need to seek some kind of therapy because this has become an obsession for you.

How about instead of worrying so much about getting a bf you concentrate instead on getting a good job and moving out of your parents' house? Because it's more attractive for a guy to see a girl who is able to take care of herself and be independent than to have to put up with a desperate and unhappy girl who doesn't like anything or anyone. Trust me, you'll get more attention if you lighten up and stop acting like Negative Nancy all the time.

 
Old 05-17-2008, 04:25 PM   #5
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

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Well they're not doing all that stuff to make you mad or anything, in fact you have nothing to do with any couple's happiness, so you have no right to get angry at them, really. I really think you need to seek some kind of therapy because this has become an obsession for you.

How about instead of worrying so much about getting a bf you concentrate instead on getting a good job and moving out of your parents' house? Because it's more attractive for a guy to see a girl who is able to take care of herself and be independent than to have to put up with a desperate and unhappy girl who doesn't like anything or anyone. Trust me, you'll get more attention if you lighten up and stop acting like Negative Nancy all the time.
That's what I'm trying to do. I am going into Nursing school. But when I get my own place, I'll be in an apartment all by myself then I'll really be lonely. I don't have anyone to share my life with. It doesn't help that in the pasts the guys that I met don't think I am interesting enough to stick around.

Last edited by JennyLee123; 05-17-2008 at 04:27 PM.

 
Old 05-17-2008, 04:43 PM   #6
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

you need to be happy in your self, you cant rely on a man to make you happy.
get out, enjoy time with friends, do things that make you feel good.you may need some therapy if you think its more than just jelousy or feeling sorry for yourself. but you will never meet anyone while you are trying so hard.
you are only 24, you should be enjoying your life, not worrying about other peoples!

 
Old 05-17-2008, 05:04 PM   #7
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

That's what I'm talking about. If YOU personally don't think you're interesting enough, then why should anyone else think so? If YOU go walking around with a permanent raincloud over your head, it's going to show to anyone and everyone, and they will not want to approach you for that reason.

There's something to be said for smiling a lot, walking around like you've got sunbeams on you all the time, even when it's actually raining outside. And for telling people how awesome you are and really meaning it and believing it in your heart. You have to start telling yourself that you're really cool and feel pity for those who don't realize it about you. Because they'll never get to experience the interesting person that you are.

Until you change how you see yourself and how you feel about yourself, nothing in your life is going to change. That's why I urge you again to seek therapy because I don't think you'll be able to work through this on your own.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 07:53 AM   #8
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

I know it's hard Jenny and I can surely understand. It takes a while sometimes to find your own way in the world. I kind of felt the same way you do. I was the kid in school everyone made fun of, called names, beat up, etc. And if I live to be 100 years old, I'll never know why, because I was short, because I told a joke someone didn't think was funny, because whatever. People don't really need much of a reason to hate you, it's just human nature to find someone to throw contempt at. I'm a good person, attractive, smart, kind, giving, sometimes almost to a fault, but because of what I went through as a child, when I grew into young adulthood, it was really really hard for me to let people in, or even to see people as anything other than obstacles or potential sources of pain of some kind. And the one time I did let someone it, I got my teeth kicked in big time. I still kept trying, kept dating, and atually got to a point where I'm ok with being around people, and I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin with them, but I think it's probably gotten as good as it's going to get.

I'm quite a bit older than you and have never known love either, never even really had what I could call a real boyfriend. Just two miserable, painful, frustrating on again off again years with a guy who was using me and lying to me the whole time, I was just too naive and inexperienced to see it. But I don't feel desperate really. I went out a few nights ago with an acquaintance of mine and some ladies from her condo complex and a couple of them were talking about an online dating site and they had both just joined up a few months ago and they were talking about all the great men they've met and one said "anyone who says there are no good men around is just insane, just absolutely insane!!" And I jokingly said "well, call me kookoo then!! " I've been on this same online dating site for more than 6 years and haven't even had a second date. For whatever reason, men take one look at me and just run the other way. I've done the therapy, I lost 22 pounds, bought a more colorful, more feminine wardrobe, and nothing changed at all. I smile and make eye contact (in fact my co-workers always joke about how sunny and smily I am) and nothing. I think it's like eye color or the talent to dance or sing or being really really great at math. God is either going to bless you with it or He isn't. and that's that. No sense making what life you do have miserable over something that so few people get to have anyway.

SO.....I've just learned to look at it this way - I heard a statistic the other week. We know that 90% of American adults marry, which means 10% never marry, and we all know that half of all marriages fail. But what we don't know that half of the marriages that don't actually divorce, are unhappily married. So we're talking about something that actually works and ends up well less than 25% of the time. I decided that it was arrogant and conceited of me to feel so entitled that I would be sad and angry and miserable because I don't get to have what less than 25% of the population gets to have. It's a fantasy, it's a pretty lie. Very few people, even those so-called happy couples, get to live happily ever after. I still would love to be married, and I know I'll always be kind of sad and feel like I really missed out on a big part of living and being human if I don't, but I also have to be real. The chances of it happening, especially at my age, with my track record, it makes more sense for me to believe aliens will come down and beam me aboard their mother ship than to believe I will find happiness. I'm not living the life I want to be living, and I'll never really be happy without someone to love, share with, laugh with, hold hands with, etc. but I've also decided it just doesn't make sense to cry over something that's so rare to have it's practically a myth.

You're so young and you have much life ahead of you and so much to live through and learn and give. Concentrate on learning, growing, enriching yourself, working for the charities you're passionate about, and figuring out what you love and spending time on that. It won't take the place of the love of a good man, but I hope you will be able to find some kind of peace with making the very most of the life and blessings you have been given. And finding a way to some kind of spirituality would be helpful too, I think.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 08:30 AM   #9
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

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But what we don't know that half of the marriages that don't actually divorce, are unhappily married. So we're talking about something that actually works and ends up well less than 25% of the time. I decided that it was arrogant and conceited of me to feel so entitled that I would be sad and angry and miserable because I don't get to have what less than 25% of the population gets to have.
I tried to make this point in the first post that Jenny made, because that is a HUGE part of the illusion. Just because people are together and/or married doesn't mean it's a HAPPY union. And just because people may appear happy when they're out in public doesn't mean they really are happy when they're alone together in their own space. I totally agree with all of this LLM, that the really truly happy marriages and/or relationships are rare. I think it's very, very rare to find something that totally works well for both parties in the relationship, because more often than not, one of the people is just not happy and wants more or wants different, or something. And that's the part you don't know about when you see them out holding hands and whatever. People are really good at hiding that kind of stuff from other people.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 08:54 AM   #10
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

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I tried to make this point in the first post that Jenny made, because that is a HUGE part of the illusion. Just because people are together and/or married doesn't mean it's a HAPPY union. And just because people may appear happy when they're out in public doesn't mean they really are happy when they're alone together in their own space. I totally agree with all of this LLM, that the really truly happy marriages and/or relationships are rare. I think it's very, very rare to find something that totally works well for both parties in the relationship, because more often than not, one of the people is just not happy and wants more or wants different, or something. And that's the part you don't know about when you see them out holding hands and whatever. People are really good at hiding that kind of stuff from other people.
This may be true. But don't I have the right to at least want to experience love, this is something that I have never had the chance of ever experiencing at 24. All my friends fell in love YEARS ago, and I am still waiting for it to happen to me.

My friend who just came back into my life is still w/ her boyfriend after a couple of years and they are so attached to one another. She mentioned how she loves spending the night over his house...I wish I had the pleasure of doing something like that with a guy I was in love with. I haven't really lived. Even my mother says that I haven't):

As my friend and I were hanging out with, she said her b/f gets physically with her, saying that they were fighting and he slammed her into the wall, and then his mother when she tried to help. But she says he never done such a thing like that before and every couples have their fights. IMO, I get the idea that ANYTHING is better than being single. Most women would rather stay in a relationship even if it's not the best for them. So, that's why I loathe not having a companion, because no one truly wants to be in my shoes without a man.

It was nice going out with my friend even though it won't be too frequently, she is VERY attached to her boyfriend and enjoy being with him every minute of the day. I get the feeling she only hung out with me because her parents have been complaining all the time about how she spents so much time with him in the last couple years. We fell off partly because of that, she would ditch me for her b/f and spent ALL her time with him. Even when we hung out it was a 3some and I'd be the third wheel. The funny thing is is that he still maintained contact with his buddies and hung out with them regularly.


I've had similar experiences like this before, and this is why I despise couples. I think they are selfish and self absorbed IMO. Usually because I always happen to be a third wheel and always the single gal so I don't view friend's with boyfriend's too well

 
Old 05-18-2008, 10:04 AM   #11
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

Are these the friends that you are refering to, the ones you are so painfully jealous of, someone who gets slammed and smacked around, and one who is co-dependend and who has unhealthily allowed her relationship to swallow up her entire life to the exclusion of her own ambitions, passions and friendships?

Honey, I KNOW you're hurting, and I can relate, really I can, but you have GOT to find a way to change your thinking around, you just HAVE to. You've just got a few things not quite straight, and I mean that with love and respect. wome do not stay in abusive, bad relationships because it's better than beign alone. They stay in them because they themselves are not healthy, they have low self esteem and don't believe they deserve any better and feel they can't live or survive without a man, even one who beats or abuses them, and that is NO way to live!!! Alone sucks, but trust me, bad company is SOOOOO much worse, it truly is. EVen though I'm sad to be alone, I look around my apartment and I am often sooo glad that I'm not in an abusive or co-dependent relationship or with someone who saps my energy, hurts my pride, cheats on me, treats me less than how I need to be treated, adding to my stress and struggles with self esteem, etc. It simply isn't true that being in a bad, unhealthy relationship is better than being alone. It's not true, and if you honestly believe it is, then that's where you need to start in improving your life and your self esteem and self worth. And don't be too sure about NO ONE ever wanting to be free, single, 24 years old, and calling her own shots and not putting up with some man's crap. That's simply not true, either.

I recommend a couple of books I really think you should read, Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them, and He's Just Not That Into You. The first book is very well researched and written by a renowned psychiatrist and it's a great eye opener. The second is not as well researched, a quick, easy read and rather humorous, but still filled with brilliant, eye opening truths.

You never reply to my posts, but I hope at least some of what I'm saying is getting through. I've been there, and I know how you feel. I can understand why you'd look at me and think OMG I DON'T want to be her!!! Perhaps I scare you as a picture of your possible future, but really, I've struggled hard too, to learn to live without love. It's not easy, but it most certainly isn't as hard as you're currently making it, truly.

 
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Old 05-18-2008, 10:31 AM   #12
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

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Are these the friends that you are refering to, the ones you are so painfully jealous of, someone who gets slammed and smacked around, and one who is co-dependend and who has unhealthily allowed her relationship to swallow up her entire life to the exclusion of her own ambitions, passions and friendships?

Honey, I KNOW you're hurting, and I can relate, really I can, but you have GOT to find a way to change your thinking around, you just HAVE to. You've just got a few things not quite straight, and I mean that with love and respect. wome do not stay in abusive, bad relationships because it's better than beign alone. They stay in them because they themselves are not healthy, they have low self esteem and don't believe they deserve any better and feel they can't live or survive without a man, even one who beats or abuses them, and that is NO way to live!!! Alone sucks, but trust me, bad company is SOOOOO much worse, it truly is. EVen though I'm sad to be alone, I look around my apartment and I am often sooo glad that I'm not in an abusive or co-dependent relationship or with someone who saps my energy, hurts my pride, cheats on me, treats me less than how I need to be treated, adding to my stress and struggles with self esteem, etc. It simply isn't true that being in a bad, unhealthy relationship is better than being alone. It's not true, and if you honestly believe it is, then that's where you need to start in improving your life and your self esteem and self worth. And don't be too sure about NO ONE ever wanting to be free, single, 24 years old, and calling her own shots and not putting up with some man's crap. That's simply not true, either.

I recommend a couple of books I really think you should read, Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them, and He's Just Not That Into You. The first book is very well researched and written by a renowned psychiatrist and it's a great eye opener. The second is not as well researched, a quick, easy read and rather humorous, but still filled with brilliant, eye opening truths.

You never reply to my posts, but I hope at least some of what I'm saying is getting through. I've been there, and I know how you feel. I can understand why you'd look at me and think OMG I DON'T want to be her!!! Perhaps I scare you as a picture of your possible future, but really, I've struggled hard too, to learn to live without love. It's not easy, but it most certainly isn't as hard as you're currently making it, truly.

thank you so much I am trying to have a positive outlook on life but it's soo hard.

I'm still a little jealous of my friend because even though she said the both of them got physical with each other, they seem to really like being in each other's company. They tell each other how much they love one another, he never has cheated on her or anything. I mean, I just wish that I had somebody who would stick around and enjoyed my company. I can never find that with a guy.

I had another friend who used to tease me and ask "why don't you have a boyfriend?" like wondering if something is wrong with me. And then telling me that I am never going to find a man, and that since I am getting closer to 30 I am going to be a bitter woman without a man. I just don't want people to think that I am pathetic because I don't have somebody in my life.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 10:45 AM   #13
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

I think you also need to find a way to stop giving away all your power to other people. Who cares if someone thinks you're bitter or pathetic? what someone else thinks of you is none of your business anyway. Anyone who would tell you "oh, if you don't hurry up and hook up with someone, ANYONE, you'll be bitter!!!" is no friend. I tell you, I can be a bit bitter myself, but it has a LOT More to do with the one jerk I did hook up with than the fact that I currently dont' have anyone, believe me!! And you know, even as much as I still miss him, the good parts of being with him, I would NEVER go back to the way it was. It was unhealthy and damaging and that is NEVER better than being alone. Don't be jealous of your friend. You have no idea where she'll be 10 years down the road having let some guy wear down her self esteem and self worth and emotional strength.

And again, I know 24 doesn't FEEL young sometimes, but it IS!! When you get to be my age, well over 40 and still have never had a real relationship, are still a virgin, THEN you can say NEVER but not before then!!! You have no idea what the next few years have in store.

One of the ladies I went out with the other night is single and currently dating around and looking. She is tall, blond, very attractive, but more than that, she has a great energy, very up, very positive, and says she really wants to be married, but she is enjoying the process of dating, and being on the online dating site, getting to know herself better, and really coming to understand herself and what kind of man she really wants and needs. She's warm, funny, friendly, and has been a single mom for many years, but NO ONE in the world would think of this woman as pathetic because she doesn't have someone. What makes a singleton pathetic in other people's eye is not the being alone itself, it's how you DEAL with being alone. when you really really LONG to be with someone, it's a long hard journey, and I'm still learning, but you honestly can't spend your life worrying about what other people say or think.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-18-2008 at 10:53 AM.

 
Old 05-18-2008, 01:53 PM   #14
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

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I'm still a little jealous of my friend because even though she said the both of them got physical with each other, they seem to really like being in each other's company.
With all due respect to your friend, but if she enjoys the company of a man who slammed her and his own mother into a wall, then she is missing a little something upstairs and I would like haaaaiiiil not be jealous of her.

I REALLY hope you don't honestly believe that it would be better to be in a relationship with someone who is abusive rather than not be in a relationship at all.

Relationships aren't just about you being happy, they are about you making another person happy. If you can't be happy for yourself - if you can't be happy for your friends - how do you expect to be happy for a boyfriend?? Serious question.

Emotions are interesting - what you feel toward someone else is what you will feel inside yourself. If you feel hate or bitterness toward someone, then that is how YOU feel - bitter! But if you feel happy for someone, then you ALSO get to experience the feeling of happiness!

So until you learn to feel happy for others, you won't feel it yourself.
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Old 05-18-2008, 03:09 PM   #15
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Re: I cannot stand happy couples at all

I've found that no-one is that happy for a significant amount of time. Eventually, people get on eachother's nerves. I think that's just human nature. I bet everyone else would disgree with my opinion but I don't think the any two people are meant to be together forever. They are either fooling themselves or everyone else.

Then again I'm jaded.

Last edited by ament; 05-19-2008 at 12:15 PM.

 
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