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Old 05-25-2008, 04:26 PM   #1
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Michelle94 HB User
Need advice for father daughter relationship..

Hey everyone,
I hoping that someone can give me so imput... I don't usually post on this board. I am usually on the reflex sympathcially dystrophy board.. Its a very painful condition..
Here's my story, I'll try to keep it short.... My mother died 23 yrs ago.. I was 18 yrs old.. I was engaged.. I grew up in a great family setting.. My mom and dad loved each other to death.. Three months after my mothers death, my father started dating.. I had my wedding, he brought her there.. Which was only 5 months after my mothers death.. On the night prior to my wedding he stayed at her house.. He just through himself into her.. When I got back from my honeymoon.. not even an hr into it.. he pulled me into the garage..and told me she was moving in.. He lived near by for two yrs.. not even.. They both moved 5 hrs away.. As the yrs went on.. I started a family.. I always went up to visit with the kids.. He would never come down.. neither would she.. She has six kids.. It just go very hard with 3 kids all with in 2 yrs of each other ..
I had asked over and over, why don't you come to visit me.. He would say. I have my lifeyou have yours.. Just so hurtful.. I went up eto talk to him.. We ended up having a very big fight.. He says I am not over my mother.. I am like dad, its only been 5 months. He compared me to her kids, saying they never complain like you do.. Well yea dad.. They have their mother and father.. I don't have either.. He says it is what it is.. That he will not come visit.. So for the past 23 yrs.. I have tried to live life.. I haven't seen my father in 14 yrs.. I will talk to him on the phone. and thats it..
Today.. He starts yelling at me.. That I never call him... I was so upset.. I said dad.. I have been in and out of the hospital for treatments.. Not once have I got a call from you.. All these yrs.. I was in a auto accident yrs ago and lost my eye site and also required alot of reconstructive surgery.. Never a call.. I had 3 kids.. never a visit.. Just a life time of nothing from my father.. after my mother passed.. Today when we were fighting.. He tells me.. He don't like kids.. and never did.. and that he was never there for me.. But.. He was.. I remember when I was little.. he was.. I said, dad you use to come to my dance shows all the time. He said well I didn't want to, your mother made me..
There is so much that he has said.. and he will admit he will not come and visit.. he will not change.. He will not come to funerals etc.. and doesnt expect that from anyone either.. He says I am just like my mother.. Whats that suppose to mean.. My mother was a good warm hearted women.. If she were alive today.. Life would not be the way it is now.. but it is what it is.. So It took me all these yrs to come to terms that my father just does not want to be a part of my life, unless I go and visit.. Now with my RSD conditions.. I can't.. he knows that.. He jsut keeps saying oh well.. what do you want me to do.. come down and sit and stare at you for 3 hrs.. Just so cold...
So, now after all these yrs.. He brought all this pain back to me.. I just don't know what to do.. I am over my mother death.. I have accepted yrs ago.. . It is what it is.. I have 3 kids who I love to death. The one thing I have learned is not to be like my father...
Looking for advice,

 
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Old 05-26-2008, 06:28 AM   #2
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Mileena42 HB User
Re: Need advice for father daughter relationship..

The only advice I can give you is to just let this go. You cannot go to him, and he refuses to come to you. It sounds like when he remarried, he became another womans husband and her childrens father. I am so sorry, but you lost your dad when your mom died. Put him to rest, take care of yourself and your own family. Sometimes, people make choices in life that affect others lives more. This is one of those times. You cannot make your dad do anything, and its unhealthy for you to keep trying. I know its hard...my own dad and I have major issues. Your main concern right now, is yourself. Put your energy there, and write him off.

Good Luck!
Mileena

 
Old 05-26-2008, 06:28 AM   #3
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Re: Need advice for father daughter relationship..

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all this. You lost BOTH your parents 23 years ago. I don't think that there is any way to build a satisfying relationship with your father, and, for your own sake you need to accept "what is". You obviously have good memories of your early life with your parents, and this may be all you will ever have. I do not mean to be negative, but knowing this in your heart will allow you to heal. Do not let him bully you over the phone, he has given up his right to expect attention and duty from you. When you remember your parents and your early family life, also realise that your memories of their marriage may not be the whole story, and there may have been difficulties that could put his quick remarriage into perspective.

 
Old 05-26-2008, 08:26 AM   #4
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Re: Need advice for father daughter relationship..

Michelle - I'm so sorry. One of the hardest things about being an adult is having to accept that our parents just aren't who we want them to be. Seems your father was like this all along and your mother did a good job at hiding it from you and making him be a father, but when she died, he no longer felt the need to be a father.

He will never change, so if talking to the man he is today causes you hurt and pain, then don't talk to him. I think you'd be better off just accepting that you did in fact lose both your parents 23 years ago like the above poster said, and if he calls you again, just tell him straight up he isn't there for you like you need him to be, he's cold and unfeeling and uncaring and talking to him just makes it clear how little he loved you and that's painful for you and you don't need that, so please don't call again. And just love and enjoy the family God did bless you with, your wonderful children. Just imagine if you didn't have them. Nurture and be grateful for the relationships and family you do have instead of wasting energy mourning and wishing for a father who just can't be.

 
Old 05-26-2008, 11:26 PM   #5
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Re: Need advice for father daughter relationship..

the only thing i could see given what you've said is maybe he is doing all of that (getting married quickly, treating you like he is) because that is his (although rather weird) way of grieving.

Were him and your mother in love? deeply? I have only been married 3 years and and had dated my husband several years before that, and i know if he died i would probably be catatonic for a long time. i would have no idea what to do.

could this be a possibility?

whatever it is, i wish you the best. You seem to be doing your part, so just do all you can and keep the ball in his court.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 04:30 AM   #6
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Re: Need advice for father daughter relationship..

I can kind of relate to your story. My mother died when i was 18, and my dad did end up getting remarried a few years later... I don't have the same relationship with him that I used to, and neither do my little brothers. His wife has made things very difficult and strained our relationship so that it isn't as close as it once was. I can't blame her for all of it, even though I would like to, my dad could have put his foot down and made having a good relationship with his children a priority but, it just wasn't what he wanted to do anymore I guess... I honestly don't know what happened. It was like one day I went from having this close knit, loving, two parent family with my siblings, and now we feel like orphans... It has brought us (me and my bros) closer together tho. I was very angry about the situation in the beginning, and I still have some moments where I get upset but, for the most part I feel like I've let things go. I'm 25 yrs old and I don't want this to affect me for the rest of my life like it has. I have to understand that my dad wanted to move on with his life and start over with someone else, even though she isn't what I would have wanted for him. I had to realize that his new wife's attitude towards me actually had nothing to do with me. She treated me like crap due to her own insecurities and her own perception of a reality that was filled with her delusions... Basically I can't punish myself or live in the past anymore, and now I just have to make my own life, and live well

Your dad sounds bitter towards you. I think deep down he might feel really guilty about what's gone down over the years and his feelings come off as cold and bitter... Just realize your not at fault here. You have your own children and your own family and issues to deal with now. He doesn't sound like he wants to take any responsiblity for the way your relationship is with him. Thats hard but, you just have to remember what your dealing with.

Hope that helps a little bit.

Take care,
Sam

 
Old 05-27-2008, 06:57 AM   #7
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Re: Need advice for father daughter relationship..

I just wanted that everyone that has responded.. I understand what I need to do in order for me to move on.. its so hard.. He thinks everything is ok cause he calls every two weeks.. If don't answer this is when he gets mad.. or if I don't call back right away.. After all these yrs.. There is no connection anymore.. He is not the first person I want to call back.. There's nothing to talk about.. I have a dibilitating condition that could slowly put me in a wheel chair.. I don't have time for stress like this.. I told him this.. I said.. Dad I have alot going on.. I am in pain 24/7. and if you looked up the letter R.S.D.. You will see what I go through every day.. He's says.. You tell me about it.. I have for the past 7 yrs.. I've in the hospital for 5 day stays. and told him.. It would been nice to at least get phone call.. I get nothing.. to me that is not showing your daughter you care.. I almost feel like the only reason why he does when he does is out of obligation...
As for my father and mother.. They were very close.. Almost to close.. I know father acted out in the wrong ways after my mother died.. He started drinking way to much.. he fell down the steps right through the front had to get stitches. I remember my father crying through the floors, becuase he missed my mother so much.. My mother told me on her death bed.. Make sure your father gets remarried. He needs to be with someone. He can't live alone.. I totally respect that.. I think he just handled everything the wrong way.. Instead of owning up to it. He moved away from everyone.. His family, friends.. everyone.. All his friends would call me and ask whats your father doing.. They were all mad at him.. I didn't have that chance to grieve. Everything happen so fast... My mother was an alcholic.. a quiet on.. She didn't bother any of us with it.. She went into rehab, after getting out, she was dx with cancer.. died in 2 months.. I know it was a shock to all of us.. I know my dad lost his best friend.. but why did he have to give us up like that.. My brother, he use to be real mad at it all. Now he doesn't care. He just goes up and visits him.. I hold the anger.. and I don't know why I can't let it go.. I went through life with having kids etc and not having my father to back me up... watching all my friends have family for their kids.. Now my brother and I are not close anymore.. We hardly talk.. He is just like my father.. It hurts to be in and out of hospitals and not have family just call you.. I hurt for my children, cause they don't have grandparents to share that love with. and now they don't even have their father.. He's doing exactly what my father did to me yrs ago.. He go remarried and wants nothing to do with my kids.. I really do get it.. and I don't think I ever will..
My father I think is getting older.. Part of me knows he knows he did wrong.. but why can't he just come out and say.. I am sorry.. and I love you.. Why does he put all the blame on me...
One thing I am thankful for is.. My moms sister.. She understands all of this.. She has seen what my father has done to me all these yrs.. I once doubted myself.. thinking I was the wrong one for no seeing my father. because he's getting older.. I just don't feel that connection anymore.. and I don't know why..
The last thing my father said to me was.. I'll call ya.. are you going to answer? Part of me feels like saying I don't want to talk to you.. I mean.. It will always be the same.. He doesn't see whats going on here.. I can't have that relationship that I would like.. He even said it to me.. He said. YOu won't be happy until I come down and sit a chair and look at you for 3 hrs straight. I told him. don't even bother...
So tell me guys.. How do you just let go.. Now I know my brothers going to be mad at me for fighting with my dad.. The funny thing is.. He feels the same way.. but won't tell my dad.. I really don't know what to do.. I felt fine in the last 10 yrs.. I accepted all of it.. at least I thought I have. until this fight.. I don't know how to let go.. at all.. I feel like I am greiving my mother all over again because of all this.. It just brought everything out again...
Sorry for being so long.. I have 23 yrs of emotions all buggled up...

 
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