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Old 06-05-2008, 07:58 AM   #1
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My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

Help, my father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning. I've been with my husband now for 12 years, and we have a son. His dad is 63 and has always lived in another state. In fact, he's lived in a few different states but never ours, so we've never been that close.

Now my son is almost 9. And suddenly with no warning he moved into my living room. My husband hinted that he was "moving in with us". And I said, "no, he can't", if he's going to stay more than a few days, he needs to get a hotel room, or an apartment. He can't live in our living room, or with us, sorry. Make sure you let him know".

A week or two went by, and his father showed up with all his stuff in a trailer he pulled with his car. Then he flew back out of state of drove back to our house with his other car (so he brought them all to our condo). At the same time his mail started showing up in our mailbox. I again asked my husband what's going on? And he keeps making excuses and saying his dad is waiting on a back check and going to some job interviews for another job in another state. He's been here two weeks, with no departure date in sight.

I've been leaving a lot, and going to family members houses who live close by and constantly staying gone. My husband is acting as if this is fine. I work at home, I can't stand to sit around with my father in law, I've been trying to do it and be understanding, but it's been two weeks. Help! I can't take it, I just can't, he never goes anywhere unless he jumps in the car with my husband to go places. How can my husband ignore my what I said like this and not care that I keep leaving to get away?

Why won't my husband tell him to get an apartment, we don't have an extra bedroom or extra space. I think he's seriously disrespecting me.

Not only that we have sex toys in our bedroom, and I don't want him in there. He asked me where my husband was this morning and I said upstairs. And he said no he isnt, because he went into the bedroom looking for him and he wasn't there. And I said, yes, he's in there, I'll go and get him,and he didn't listen. Instead he started ahead of me towards the bedroom, and I called after him, "no, I really need to get him, and he ignored me and proceeded into my bedroom!"

I needed to get him because he was in our huge walk in closet, which is private, but then so is MY bedroom. I don't want my father in law in my bedroom, at all, and he ignored my request to stop, and not go in there.
Nevermind that I can't live cramped like this, I'm too old for this, and I'm not cleaning 3 bathrooms after 2 grown men and my child, and I'm not cleaning and doing dishes after them everyday either! I'm on the verge of moving out, but I don't want to be mean, and I don't know what to do. If I move out I'm taking my son with me, because I'm not going to be drivin away from my son by my disrespectful husband. I think this is definately a deal breaker for me.

Our condo is only a 2BR, 2BA, with a living room and small kitchen, no basement, no other rooms or living space.

I'm in serious trouble here. Help!

Last edited by inlawtroubles; 06-05-2008 at 08:31 AM.

 
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:32 AM   #2
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

I think you may have to send a very strong message here b/c like you said, your hubby is not getting it. I could see staying a few weeks, knowing that your FIL would be moving for sure. However, it seems like there is no time line here, which is unnerving. You have every right to be upset.

Have you asked your FIL what his plans are? Has he left to go on any interviews? Maybe he could help shed some light.

I am never one to suggest leaving, but in a case like this, it might have to happen in order to get your point across. Your husband is showing little respect for you and it is your house as well. Yes, take your son with you.

Keep us posted!

 
Old 06-05-2008, 09:48 AM   #3
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

What you need to do is sit your hubby down and let him know how unhappy you are that he did this without your approval. Set a timeline where your FIL MUST be gone. Make sure your hubby knows that if he isn't gone by that date that you will be.

Also, for the time your FIL is remaining in your home be sure there are ground rules laid out, the first one being that your bedroom is OFF LIMITS!

I too don't want to tell you to leave, but I don't see any other way to get your point across to your hubby. He ignored what you said before and now it's time to show him how serious you are. If you don't put your foot down you could end up with a houseguest indefinately that you don't have the room for.

 
Old 06-05-2008, 10:07 AM   #4
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

If your father-in-law has absolutely no place to go and can't afford his own place, I don't think your husband is going to be able to throw him out on the streets.Thats a very hard thing to do.I could not see me doing that to any elderly family member especially at such an old age.
This is really sad.I really feel for you as I would probabaly feel the same way as you.

Last edited by daylight568; 06-05-2008 at 10:07 AM.

 
Old 06-05-2008, 04:54 PM   #5
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dsheldon3 View Post
If your father-in-law has absolutely no place to go and can't afford his own place, I don't think your husband is going to be able to throw him out on the streets.Thats a very hard thing to do.I could not see me doing that to any elderly family member especially at such an old age.
This is really sad.I really feel for you as I would probabaly feel the same way as you.
Thanks for the advice. But he's not broke. He was making quite a bit on his last job and has a few vehicles. I can handle the two and a half weeks he's now stayed, although it's been difficult. I'll probably have to handle a few more, but I just cannot handle anymore than that. I just can't. If he wanted to live with us, and it was an absolute must, then that would need to be planned with enough planned living space, and we'd need to move to meet that need. It can't be like this it just can't.

 
Old 06-05-2008, 05:29 PM   #6
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

Can you not find him a small apartment nearby? I know he is not your responsibility, but I also agree with DSheldon that your husband would probably not have the heart to toss him out. There are two issues here, one the FIL, and two, the fact that your husband is not listening to you. Circle ads for apartments, and tell them BOTH that the final date is......, after which you and your son will move out. Insist on a final date and stick to it. Sera

 
Old 06-06-2008, 05:27 AM   #7
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlawtroubles View Post
Thanks for the advice. But he's not broke. He was making quite a bit on his last job and has a few vehicles. I can handle the two and a half weeks he's now stayed, although it's been difficult. I'll probably have to handle a few more, but I just cannot handle anymore than that. I just can't. If he wanted to live with us, and it was an absolute must, then that would need to be planned with enough planned living space, and we'd need to move to meet that need. It can't be like this it just can't.

I understand you. And I don't think you should leave your house. I don't think you have any other place to go, do you? This is your house. Don't leave it.

Again, the issue about your father-in-law must be discussed in detail and in civil, polite words. Always. Don't let anger step in. With your husband and himself (father-in-law). You are adults, aren't you? And you speak the same language, don't you? Is this the first time your husband ignored you?

Deadlines for his leaving or for finding a new, more spacious house must be established and while he is living with you, he must respect your private spaces and timetables. In the meantime try to make him an ally not a foe of yours. Find out what he can do about the house. I think your son could profit from a relationship with his grand-father. Usually grandchildren and grandparents are very fond of one another. So don't let them miss out on this unique opportunity.

Anyway, I hope you can soon find a solution for this situation. I suppose it must be hard on your father-in-law as well.

Last edited by pendulum; 06-06-2008 at 05:29 AM.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 08:02 PM   #8
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

The problem is....my husband acts as if he can't communicate very well with his father. He acts as if he can't discuss things with him and won't ask him questions. He lets his father tell HIM what he (his father) is going to do, and lets him do whatever he says he's doing.

I tried to stop it by insisting my husband let him know the deal BEFORE he showed up, and of course, as always, my husband won't say a word to his dad. He wouldn't tell him before he showed up and he won't sit down with him like and adult and let him know he needs to get an apartment now.

Instead, he makes comments like, "I'll try to find out something in a couple of days" and then a few days later I get, "I'm not sure, I think he's waiting on a call from a job in _____.

His father showed up a month ago, stayed a week, flew somewhere for a week, came back, and now he's been here for almost 2 weeks. I was told he was only coming back again for 3 days.

I get comments like, "I can't ask him when he's leaving, I can't make him leave". No, that would be hard, but he SHOULD have layed the cards on the table BEFORE he showed up.

I'm not mean, it's just that, when I go downstairs, which is rarely (my bedroom is my new living room), I've played around with my son, who is almost 9, and gotten on the computer. He laughed and wanted to know what I was typing on the computer and what I was doing. I was laughing and told him to stop reading what I was doing, and he wrestled me in the chair and I tickled him, and he fell over and then laughing he said, "your fingernail scratched me, ohhhh." And I said, "let me see honey, I didn't mean to scratch you.", and my son showed me, and I said, "it didn't even break the skin, you're ok". It's just a little mark, and we were still laughing, because my son is a mommy's boy, we're close.

Anyway, my husband says, "why don't you just go upstairs and do that, just go upstairs." And now bewildered, I go on the porch to ask him what his problem is, and he says, "you don't need to look stupid in front of people."

What?????? I'm just being myself and I'm about to go insane, because I can't take this. He acts like he walks on eggshells around this man most of the time. Everything is more uptight, definately.

That's why I leave a lot, I can't take it, it's nuts. My husband is too uptight, and I can't deal with this.

Last edited by inlawtroubles; 06-06-2008 at 08:06 PM.

 
Old 06-07-2008, 03:05 AM   #9
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

I'm afraid it is always very difficult for a son or daughter of an older generation (nowadays, true enough, children confront their parents as if they were peers) to talk to their elders in an imperative way, if you see what I mean. So he (your husband) may need time and encouragement from you to perform it. Don't demand from him what he can't give straightaway, but keep reminding him that you will be on his side and you can both find gentle ways to ask him (the father-in-law) to leave for the benefit of everyone in the family. It's a delicate situation, and I feel for you. On the other hand, a son has the obligation to help his old father to a certain extent, so this is going to be for you a labour of patience, but not of total submission. What about the connection of your son and his grandfather? Do you think this might backfire and make the old man stay longer?

 
Old 06-07-2008, 03:54 AM   #10
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

I can't beleive your hubby told you to go upstairs in your own house and commented on the way you were acting! I would be plenty upset too.

This man could sell one if his cars and find a small apt. There are month-to-month places too if he is looking for a job elsewhere. The asumption here is HUGE! Can't he see that he has cramped you?

I would have a sit-down with my hubby! It sounds like he is stressed and doesn't know what to do so he is taking out his frustrations on you. Explain that you want to talk, not fight and do whatever both of you can to remedy this unfortunate situation.

Good luck!!!

 
Old 06-07-2008, 04:30 AM   #11
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

Hasn't your husband any siblings? If so, they should be urged to do something about the old man, too.

 
Old 06-07-2008, 04:45 AM   #12
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

It looks as though to me your family doesn't feel comfortable with you on the computer in their presence.Maybe you could try finding an activity that you all can share in.

 
Old 06-07-2008, 04:47 AM   #13
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by healthseeker View Post
I can't beleive your hubby told you to go upstairs in your own house and commented on the way you were acting! I would be plenty upset too....
Actually, I overlooked this. It seems that the focus is moving away from your father-in-law to your husband. He could be the problem, not the old man. But what did you do when he told you to go upstairs? Did he apologize later for what he said? I agree with the poster: he seems to be stressed and taking it out on you. Could you take it with a pinch of salt anyway?

 
Old 06-07-2008, 05:06 AM   #14
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Re: My father-in-law moved into my living room with no warning!!

I have to agree that the bigger problem here is your husband and not really so much your FIL. Your FIL is only doing what he was allowed to do by your husband, you know? Your husband is being completely disrespectful of you. How dare he tell you do go upstairs and not "act stupid" in your home?

I get the whole encouraging him to talk to his dad, but all the encouragement in the world isn't going to change the fact that he is being a disrespectful jerk. I think you should call a "family meeting" and get it all on the table "nicely". Lay down some ground rules for everyone (including yourself so you don't look like that bad guy) and put a definate experation date on his stay. Get some newspapers and circle some apartment ads to help him out. Show him in a nice way that he has overstayed his welcome.

Then, deal with your husband in private! If he has a problem and gets upset with you then he is going to have to deal with it too. He lied to you about all of this and most likely never said "boo" to his dad. That is unfair to you and your FIL. Your husband needs to learn how to "communicate" with everyone involved which is why I think a "family meeting" is the best way to go.

 
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