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Old 06-06-2008, 11:21 AM   #1
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How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

I need some advice from you guys! Recently I started snooping on my boyfriend's phone and it has become an addiction. I need to stop doing it but besides resisting the temptation I think I need to deal with my deep rooted problems of insecurity and paranoia, so that the temptation/mistrust will be gone (I don't want to have to think about going through his phone every time I'm alone with it!).

I got cheated on in my very first serious relationship and I think it definitely scarred me, and I am constantly worried that I will be cheated on again. I have had 2 more relationships since that first one (one long distance which lasted almost 2 years and my current one for 1.5 years). I don't have reasons not to trust my boyfriend, I do think he is trustworthy guy but my fears always seem to get the better of me and I just get really uncertain and start doubting. Like yesterday I found out that this girl texted him, an old friend from university I gathered, which just said that she'd like to meet up since she just moved to town. It was a completely innocent text (at least from the tone of it) but I can't help worrying that there is something more. I just feel so silly for getting upset. I want to ask him who that girl is but obviously then he would know I snoop on his phone and that I don't trust him. What can I do to overcome my paranoia? I really want to learn to trust.

Please help! thanks!

 
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Old 06-06-2008, 12:00 PM   #2
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

It may be difficult to overcome paranoia and insecurities, but you will be already a winner if you just don't let them tell you what to do. The only way of stopping snooping on his phone is simply not doing it again. Stay away from it, if necessary, or whenever the curiosity starts to hit you, find something else to do.

It may be difficult to forget past injuries and disappointments, but try to focus on positive things first. Your present is not necessarily a consequence of your past. It is not a straight line from the past. Many other things are happening all around you all the time, and these things, willy-nilly, add to your present life. You are probably not aware of them.

If you have to think about the past, you can try to think about the good things in your past. Nobody's past is only about having been hurt and deceived, if you see what mean, but unfortunately people remember bad things more easily than good things.

I think you would probably find some relief in philosophy. The word need not scare you. For instance, you could devote some time to study the practical aspects of philosophy (or even religion), and this might help you find some meaning for your life and some distraction from your suspicious thoughts and thus enjoy being with your boyfriend in a whole way. He deserves it, and you deserve it, too.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 12:10 PM   #3
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

I was exactly the same as you, Ty. In my last relationship, I snooped in my bf's phone whenever I got the chance. I would question him relentlessly if I found out that his ex-gf had called or texted him. I would interrogate basically. It wasn't just snooping through his phone, either. I snooped into everything that I could get a hold of. E-mails, old letters, pictures, etc. I am really ashamed about what I did.

My snooping all stemmed from my own insecurities of getting hurt by previous ex-bfs. But in reality, it had nothing to do with the current relationship I was in. It was just that I couldn't let go of the past and it was ruining my present time with my bf. My advice to you is to stop this behavior before it gets too late. My relationship with my ex-bf ended because he knew I was doing this and he just couldn't take my insecurities anymore. Essentially, it drove him away. Fortunately, we are still friends, he's forgiven me, and it's all water under the bridge now.

But speaking from experience, you just have to place trust in your current bf that he's not going to be like the other bfs in your past. Trust that you will have the strength to overcome things if you happen to find out (not from snooping!) that your bf did something you disapprove of. In other words, don't go looking for things in his phone or e-mail when it could be totally harmless. Continuing to do this is a huge invasion of privacy. This will drive him away from you. That's what happened to me.

I am now in a new relationship and I am also trying to fight the urges to snoop as well. I haven't done anything like that, but I'm a work in progress. I'm wiser now to know that snooping around just to try and find something to obssess over is unhealthy and unattractive. You don't want to appear that way to your current bf because it could mean the break-up of you two.

Last edited by ladyjustice; 06-06-2008 at 12:13 PM.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 12:12 PM   #4
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

It's really unfair for you to punish this guy for whatever happened to you in your past relationships. It's not his fault that you were cheated on. So you're going to have to find a way to get over it fast, because majority of guys will not tolerate being punished for something they haven't done nor have any intentions of ever doing. You may just have found a good guy for once but you'll end up pushing him away with all of this unfounded insecurity of yours.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 06:00 PM   #5
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

I'm kinda goin through the same thing rite now. My boyfreind and I were on different shifts at work for a while after bein use to being together all the time. We started to grow apart cause of the distance. Now we are on the same shift again for about 2 months now and nothing has changed. Hes always on the computer and not spending nearly enough time with me. I thought me goin to the same shift would make things better but it hasnt and now its even worse. We even now go weeks without having sex. I grew concerned and have been obsessed with snooping on the computer. I havent found anything too bad. But I still day after day keep looking. Its now got to the point that everything I find Ive questioned him about and hes told me to stop interrogating him everytime I find something stupid cuz he not doing anything. I do believe him but now our relationship is almost over. I then realize that me acting like I dont trust him is pushing him away. So if you dont want it to be over just let the little things be. Dont even mention it. Just make a little mental note if you must. When its confirmed that he is cheating or is wanting to then speak up. Sorry for the novel

 
Old 06-06-2008, 07:45 PM   #6
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

Good advice so far.
Don't mention the text. An honest man will tell you about it. Whether he sees her or not. Then you will get an indication of how much he values you.

 
Old 06-08-2008, 04:32 AM   #7
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

Thanks for all your advice.

Yes I definitely need to stop snooping and I will. It is extremely unhealthy, and yes not to mention it is invading his privacy and it is not something I would like him to do to me. And if he wants to cheat, snooping is not going to stop/prevent it. I just need to trust. I am trying really hard to work on the trust issue on my own. I know I need to realize that not every man is like my first bf. I think I am quite trusting most of the time but sometimes I just can't help being negative.

I don't think he'll tell me about her cos he knows I am a jealous person. I don't really want him to tell me about her cos I know I will start interrogating him. And shouldn't I be worried if he starts mentioning her, then it kind of shows that there is something going on?! Since if it is just plain friendship, it is not really worth mentioning. We know most of each other's friends but not everyone of them and it doesn't really bother me.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 02:16 PM   #8
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

wow.. i actually have the same problem except with my girlfriend. i know shes not cheating on me or anything bad behind my back but im so insecure. i dunnno why, i been on welbutrin also. could that be it? i need to stop cause its at the point we might split up. i try to stop it but it just comes back to me and hit the bottem again. please help anyone. is the answer just to stop?

 
Old 02-25-2009, 11:34 PM   #9
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

I have this same problem, I need help too! I always go looking for what I don't want to find... and I usually do end up finding something... but I'd rather just trust... help!?

 
Old 02-25-2009, 11:35 PM   #10
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

how has this issue been going for you?

 
Old 02-26-2009, 01:22 AM   #11
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

Him mentioning her doesn't mean there is something going on. Him not mentioning her doesn't mean that either. You have to trust that he will do the right thing by you in this relationship. Think about it. You said he knows that you are a jealous person, so I'm guessing you have done that whole interogation thing before. So if he has no intention of ever talking to this girl or meeting this girl he may act like the text never existed. Does that make sense?

You need to stop the snooping and learn to trust. I've been in your shoes and I know it's hard. But this is YOUR problem, not his. He is allowed to talk to other people and have friends (even females) without you getting all silly about it. Perhaps if you learn to trust him he will feel he can share more with you?

 
Old 10-09-2009, 02:13 AM   #12
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Re: How to overcome insecurity/paranoia

Hi there. I totally understand how it feels to be paranoid and insecure over your partner. Sometimes past relationships have an effect on how you get on in other relationships and sometimes it can just be nothing to do with past relationships, like me. I think sometimes when you love someone so much your scared of loosing them that you tend to behave oddly. My boyfriend loves me to bits. When i was at university i saw him every single day and I knew what he got upto every single day because i was part of it. But now he is away from me doing his final year at university and I can't help but get paranoid over little things he does. I don't like the feeling that im not there to keep an eye on him when he goes out clubbing and when him and his house mates have drinking sessions. I cant see what he's doing and just have to believe what he says. But he doesn't even have much time to talk to me now and everytime we talk i interrogate him asking him to give me exact details on what he did that day. He hates the interrogation. He tells me that he loves me and now its getting to the point where he doesn't even enjoy talking to me over the phone. I decided to break off the relationship for my own sanity because I think if i carry on like this with the relationship im going to go mental and i will end up messing his final year up and i don't want to do that. What im trying to say is maybe sometimes it is better to take some time off and reflect on your relationship and this way you may be able to save your relationship.

 
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