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I don't know what to do - family issues

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Old 06-11-2008, 02:47 PM   #1
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I don't know what to do - family issues

Hi all,

I don't know what to do anymore about my family situation. For a bit of background information I''ve recently turned 22 & I was raised by my grandparents & my parents also lived with us. My mum has brain damage (mental not physical) & my Dad was poorly all the time so my grandparents became my Guardians.

Well basically my Dad's sister "L" has 3 sons; all are older than me. The oldest is "J" who is 34, next is "G" who is 26/27 & the youngest is "D" who I am very close to but who is sadly Autistic.

Ok here's what's been happening. I'm a carer for my Grandmother & have been her Carer for nearly 7 years. Noone else in the family would look after her & I didn't mind. I guess its in my nature. Anyway "J" started to say I was making my Grandmother ill by not giving her the correct medication because I'm trying to kill her. This escalated until it became I was trying to kill her & I'm twisting her mind against everybody in the family, I'm only after her money & I've got every intention of putting her in a home. All of this is incorrect. Deeply incorrect. Shortly after my Grandfather died at home, I resucitated him twice but he sadly passed away. "J" accussed me of killing my Grandad or trying to kill him. 2 years later my Dad passed away, "J" & his wife said I killed my dad, did nothing for him, I never looked after him etc. I did everything I possibly could from medication, to oxygen treatments & feeding him & when he became too ill I washed him. I was very depressed after loosing these 2 people I loved with all my Heart.

"J" is also calling me a thief because my Gran had a large sum of money stolen from her house - we all believe (without a doubt) it was "J". "J" & his wife keeps saying regularly I'm killing Gran (or trying to), I'm stealing her money (none has been stolen apart from the above), that I'm on drugs (never touched the stuff) etc - the list goes on & the latest is when Gran passes away I'm going to sell her house & move away, wont visit her grave & I wont look after my Mum but dump her in a home for mentally retarded people. I found out this evening that "J"'s wife said to my close cousin "D" that she believes we're sneaking into the garage together having sex! I'm appalled & disgusted. I don't know what to do.

I have had it out with "J" & his wife to no avail. My Grandmother has spoken to him but "J" is adament its all true. I strongly believe "J" is trying to twist my Grans mind against me so he can take control of her & her money. He's always after money. He came round a few days ago trying to tapp her for over 600 pounds!

Also "J" brother "G" tried to rape me 3 nearly 4 years ago. I took him to court but there was no evidence & the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence. In court, "G" solicitor believed I had made accussations of sexual abuse against my Grandfather & a neighbour who I have never even heard of. All of this is untrue. "J" also told the court I had been arrested 3 times as a teenager which is again incorrect - I have no criminal record at all. I don't know how the solicitor was allowed to bring up circumstantial evidence but I guess they can in UK. I don't know what to do. It seems never-ending. When "J" comes to visit, if I'm not in the house or upstairs tidying up, he will start with his accussations about me to my Gran upsetting her but when I'm around he doesn't say anything. His wife is the same & very nasty. I'm very depressed but I try to hide it so it doesn't effect Gran.

Hopefully someone can help. Thanks.

Last edited by _mystictiger_; 06-11-2008 at 02:51 PM.

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Old 06-11-2008, 05:00 PM   #2
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Re: I don't know what to do - family issues

Wow. I am almost speechless. First, I am very very sorry that you are going through this. This seems like a VERY tricky situation. I really don't know if what I have to say can even remotely help, but I will try. First, commend yourself for all that you do to help your family. Not many people would do what you do, so that tells a lot about the kind of person you are. Second, are there any legal measures you can take? Is there anyway you can keep these people away from you and your Gran? I am unsure of the legal ramifications in the UK, but here in the states if someone is harassing or endangering you, you can get a protective order or restraining order against someone. Again, I am very sorry for what you are going through.

Old 06-11-2008, 05:08 PM   #3
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Re: I don't know what to do - family issues

Can you possibly get a nurse to assist you with your mother and grandmother's care? Getting an outsider into the situation might help a little, might make J back off, and if things do go disastrous in some way, might provide a witness on your side.

Old 06-11-2008, 05:59 PM   #4
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Re: I don't know what to do - family issues

Wow, this is a very difficult (and dangerous for you) situation. No wonder you don't know what to do. This is too much for anyone alone to cope with. And then again at your age.

It's hard to give you advice, but a few things occur to me now. They are probably too obvious, but let me share them with you anyway:

1. You have enough reasons to be afraid of J, J's wife and G, moreover because it's three against only one. But don't allow them the power to control your behaviour. Don't ascribe to them more power than they actually have. In fact, they have very little power, if any, because theirs is a power based upon lies and intimidation. What is this if not fear and despair in disguise? If you are afraid of them, they have even more reasons to be afraid of you.

2. I think you have to share this story with other people, people whom you trust, maybe even a judge, a counsellor, an attorney, your doctor, etc... The objective is to recruit alliance and support. And not to feel you are completely alone.

3. I suppose you are living with your grandmother. I was thinking that maybe you should hire someone else to look after her, someone with a neat professional background and essentially neutral. You would see to it that this carer be an affectionate person as well. I know your grandmother may suffer from this change, but you wouldn't abandon her all of sudden: you would work together with the new carer until your grandmother trusts her (or him) enough, and then again you wouldn't leave the company of your grandmother altogether: you would keep visiting her and helping the carer whenever necessary. This has a double function. Firstly, you will be giving yourself a chance of finding a job or position outside her house that would offer you a broader perspective in life. Aren't you mature enough to start working out in the world? If your grandmother loves you, she will be understanding towards you and your decision. Secondly, you would give J and his clique less ammunition to be used agianst you: lies, accusations, intimidations, etc... The hiring of this new carer could be best done with the help of your grandmother's doctor, who would restrict the visitation of people in general to her house, and in particular the visitation of "harmful" people (such as J and others).

I hope the other members can offer you brighter ideas to cope with this ordeal. Best to you.

Old 06-13-2008, 03:47 PM   #5
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Re: I don't know what to do - family issues

Hi all & thank you for your replies.

I have spoken to the carer of "D" who told me to contact a solicitor who deals with civil law & have a firm letter wrote to "J" & his wife in the hope that this will stop them. I have wrote the letter but my Grandmother spoke to "L" earlier who doesn't want me to send the letter & keeps saying I've got it all wrong ("J" is denying the sexual alligation between myself & "D") & it will all blow over. Which it won't. It's been going on for too long now.

I've had a long think about all of this & I think "J" & his wife started being this way when my Gran changed her will. I'm wondering if "J" is trying to darken my character so badly in my Gran's eyes that he is hoping she'll change the will to bequeath him the majority. But I honestly don't know.

I'm scared of "G" as he has made numerous threats via "L" & "J" that he's going to kill me. He even tried to stop me going to Court by saying after I'd given evidence, his friends would be waiting for me & would stab me to death. He hangs around with a bad crowd of violent, abusive, drug taking people. "G"'s parter "A" attacked me a few months after the court case but was let off with a caution as a first offence & when "J" found out about this that evening he said I deserved it & honestly didn't care. I also believe "G"s parter was watching me for a few days prior to the attack. My best friend was visiting (she lives 4 hours away) & we had a carrier bag of some alcohol which we hid in a neighbours front garden for a few minutes while I checked my Gran & the whole time we felt we were being watched. The next day we met up with a friend of mine & we were larking around & I fell into a bush. On the 3rd day I was attacked by "G"s partner. "J" told my Gran that his brother's partner saw me put a carrier bag in a garden & also I fell into a bush drunk (I hadn't touched any alcohol) so I strongly believe "G"s partner was following me for 3 days & tracking my movements but unfortunately I can't prove this.

"G" has also (passed on by "J" to my Gran) said that He will have nothing to do with my Grandmother (she raised "G" from 9 yrs to 14 yrs old) unless she throws me out of the house & never has anything to do with me.

It seems that the sore point in all this is me. Everyone thinks its a type of jealousey but I think they must all have mental issues to treat someone like this. I've had many arguments with "J" over these accusations & he always clams up or back down until I'm not around & then starts off again, so because of this I haven't argued with him in over 6 months. I like to be my Grans carer, I don't mind at all & would prefer to look after her myself rather than someone else. I think I need my Gran as much as she needs me.

Old 06-14-2008, 05:35 AM   #6
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Re: I don't know what to do - family issues

They obviously have some HUGE issues. It is very dangerous for you to be there dealing with all of them. You really do need to hire someone to help you out so there is at least someone else there.

There is no doubt they are only after her money. I'm sure this is why your grandmother changed her will in the first place. They are greedy and selfish people. You have to protect yourself and your grandmother. Don't worry about what "L" tells you. Send the letter. Do whatever you can for YOU.

With the history isn't there a way to get a protective order? It seems crazy to me that you have to live like that with absolutely no help from the police or the courts!

Old 06-14-2008, 06:41 AM   #7
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Re: I don't know what to do - family issues

The reason I suggest getting hep from a professional caregiver is not because I think you can't take care of her, in fact I'm sure your love and experience make you the best possible carer. It's because having someone else around might help to protect you, either physically or legally. These people sound scary, and I don't want to have to spend time alone with them.

Old 06-15-2008, 03:01 PM   #8
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Re: I don't know what to do - family issues

Unfortunately the Police or Courts wont do anything unless I've been physically harmed by them. I don't think "J" or his wife would physically harm me but they definitely like to play mind games. Strange thing is I think they genuinely believe the things they say about me. I wonder if this is a mental problem; some kind of psychological issue?

My Gran spoke to "J" earlier & he (sounding very convincing) said that "D" got the allegation wrong regarding myself & him & that his wife never said that. I've got no doubt that she did say it but once again, no proof. I think I will call my Solicitor tomorrow & ask for some legal advice. I know Gran doesn't want to stop them coming from visiting her as she's very much a family person (unfortunately she's been stuck with the wrong type of people for this) so I don't want to hurt her. But I'll see what my solicitor says either tomorrow or the day after & keep you posted.

Oh I know you didn't mean that hun. I know your only trying to help me & thank you for it.

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