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Old 06-18-2008, 07:44 PM   #1
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Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. Couple months back we purchase a truck and he started goin on a forum to discuss this new vehicle. I dont mind him talkin on this site it seemed pretty harmless. Then a couple of weeks ago I found that they have a "naughty" part on this site. This didnt really make me happy but I didnt say anything cuz we have been having some problems latety and he would just think I was checking up on him. In a way I guess you could say I was but not really. Just kinda wanted to see what was occupying so much of his time. Then today he left his phone at home and I will admit I was spying. I found some messages to a guy that he actually met and became friends with from the boards about another member on his forum. Some of the things that were said were "theres just something about that girl that makes me want to touch myself" and something about he's her new internet stalker. There was some mention of her having tats and piercings but that was just an observation. So lucky for me he mentioned what thread it was and I got to see what all naughty talk was about. I think its one of the only girls on the sit and she her b/f is a member also. She posted up 3 pics of herself. I was just her face and sternum showing the one on her chest, another was the two she has on her lower lower stomach and the other was her back. She really showed nothing bad. No boobs nothin. So I'm wondering does he flirt with her ( I didnt see anything) or whats the deal. See lives like states away so thats not a problem. I just think its messed up. Especially that he has to be looking at this stuff and making comments like that right before I get home form work. Whats the big secret. I know he looks at pron sometimes. Geez I have tats too and in my opinion (and not to get catty) but I think I look better than her. Thoughts?

 
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:32 AM   #2
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

I think its just guy talk.Its probably nothing but If it were me I'd join the forum and flirt with my boyfriend when he posts, so everyone knows he has a girlfriend.

 
Old 06-19-2008, 10:55 AM   #3
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

I really don't know how to reply except to say that I would feel the same. I've been seeing someone off and on for the last 7 months or so and he is very active on a particular board. He doesn't actually flirt with anyone on the board but he has accumulated a rather large fan base of cute girls from the time he was on a dating site. He left the dating site a few months back because I said I wasn't going to date anyone who keeps an active profile. But he keeps up with these women via instant messaging on a popular networking site where he lists that he is interested in meeting "friends" (i.e. not there for dating, relationships). He tells me that he is not interested in these other women but I have seen where he has been instant messaging (he does it in front of me) and he never mentions to them that I'm there (instead he says that he is "just hanging out"). I don't think that he has an emotional connection with all of the women but I think there are at least two that he has some emotional connection with (or crushes on). Even though they live in different states, I still find it hurtful and have told him so. So, anyway, like I said, I cannot offer much in the way of advice here but I do know that men (and I suppose women alike) use the internet as an ego boost and that the "emotional affair" is pretty ubiquitous.

 
Old 06-19-2008, 11:02 AM   #4
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

I would have to agree with Mouse....I'd feel the same....
Mouse - is this the musician guy you're talking about or someone else?
if it's someone else, I'd cut him loose and go for the musician!

Last edited by Mod08; 06-23-2008 at 10:27 PM. Reason: No need to quote message.

 
Old 06-23-2008, 01:15 PM   #5
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by dsheldon3 View Post
I think its just guy talk.Its probably nothing but If it were me I'd join the forum and flirt with my boyfriend when he posts, so everyone knows he has a girlfriend.
They do know he Has a girlfriend if they have read any of his posts involving me but I thought about doin that. The only reason I didnt was because we were arguing and I didnt want him to think I signed up to spy on him. I wouldnt sign up for that reason anyway. Plus he doesnt care that I know his user names and passwords and he knows mine too so honestly I dont have to be a member to spy. I think my spying is over with. I think it may be guy talk too. But maybe thats just what I'm hoping. I just keep telling myself its not a big deal but should I be doing that? Am I telling myself what I want to hear?

 
Old 06-23-2008, 01:17 PM   #6
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

MouseOnMars

Lucky for me he doesnt talk direct to this girl. Its just posts that are replied to or she replied to. No texting or chating. But thanks

Last edited by Mod08; 06-23-2008 at 10:26 PM. Reason: Please only quote the portion of the message you are responding to/direct the response to the proper user name.

 
Old 06-24-2008, 08:43 AM   #7
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

I have to disagree with the person who said it's "just guy talk." My boyfriend doesn't talk this way to anyone. If he did, I would have to reconsider him being my boyfriend. I think that's a cop out to imply that guys can't help themselves and it's ok that they are talking about other women.

I would have a real problem with my boyfriend talking about another girl to his friend. And I think it's a red flag. You shouldn't have to go onto the board and 'claim your man.' He should act like he is taken all of the time, without you having to show up and flirt with him so people know he's taken.

And, no disrespect, but how can you be sure that there is no texting or chatting going on between them? If he wants to hide something, he can hide it. I'm not trying to cause a bigger problem, I just think it's not a good sign that your boyfriend is talking about another girl that way.

I think you should bring it up to him and see what he has to say about it. And if you're worried about him accusing you of 'snooping'...well, I think that when you're dating someone, BOTH of you should be able to go through each others stuff at any time. It shouldn't be this big, hidden deal. I feel like the only time people are worried and upset about that is when they're doing something wrong.

Good luck.

 
Old 06-24-2008, 11:55 AM   #8
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unshifted View Post
I have to disagree with the person who said it's "just guy talk." My boyfriend doesn't talk this way to anyone. If he did, I would have to reconsider him being my boyfriend. I think that's a cop out to imply that guys can't help themselves and it's ok that they are talking about other women.

I would have a real problem with my boyfriend talking about another girl to his friend. And I think it's a red flag. You shouldn't have to go onto the board and 'claim your man.' He should act like he is taken all of the time, without you having to show up and flirt with him so people know he's taken.

And, no disrespect, but how can you be sure that there is no texting or chatting going on between them? If he wants to hide something, he can hide it. I'm not trying to cause a bigger problem, I just think it's not a good sign that your boyfriend is talking about another girl that way.

I think you should bring it up to him and see what he has to say about it. And if you're worried about him accusing you of 'snooping'...well, I think that when you're dating someone, BOTH of you should be able to go through each others stuff at any time. It shouldn't be this big, hidden deal. I feel like the only time people are worried and upset about that is when they're doing something wrong.

Good luck.
I agree that it isnt right to talk about this other girl that way. It hurt me when I found the text on his phone. And the reason I think it may just be guy talk is my boyfriend is the type that needs to have all the attention and look cool. Hes always been this way. Sometimes its cute and other times it hurts people (not just me). I've read posts on the forum and he sometimes exaggerates on there and its never much but always something stupid. I think its funny cuz if he would have just stated the facts I'm sure no one would care. Its his way of trying to look cool to people who cant see him. Thats why I think the texts to the one guy from the forum is just his way of lookin cool. I agree that if he wanted to hide something he could. But from what I know and have experienced with him there is nothing to hide. We can look at each others phones, IM's, email, websites etc. He left his phone at home that day and called me from work to drop it off to him on my way to work. It was still on the phone and I figure if it was that much of a secret he would have deleted the texts when he was done talking to him. And the whole thing with me checkin up on him started mostly when I would see that one of his friends sent him porn or he was lookin at porn. It ****** me off and I started asking him about everything I found. It got to the point that I was paranoid and would interrogate him about any little thing I found. He did this to me when we first got together and I hated it cuz I wasnt doin anything so thats why I stopped. I know hes not cheating on me cuz he always with me and tells me where he is and this girl that he was talking about lives states away so I know theres nothing goin on there. Now after I've said all this does any one think I'm being stupid or naive?

 
Old 06-24-2008, 12:01 PM   #9
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by slhkat35 View Post
Now after I've said all this does any one think I'm being stupid or naive?

No, I think your being very smart. It sounds like to me you two have a pretty good relationship especially if you both know each others usernames and passwords,etc.That huge PLUS !
The first time one of my BFs friend sent him an email with porn was the LAST time he sent an email with porn.I won't tolerate it and he knows it so he has told his friends so they know TOO!

Last edited by daylight568; 06-24-2008 at 12:05 PM.

 
Old 06-25-2008, 12:05 PM   #10
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by dsheldon3 View Post
No, I think your being very smart. It sounds like to me you two have a pretty good relationship especially if you both know each others usernames and passwords,etc.That huge PLUS !
The first time one of my BFs friend sent him an email with porn was the LAST time he sent an email with porn.I won't tolerate it and he knows it so he has told his friends so they know TOO!
LOL well I got mad at him for lookin at it too but I know he'll just look at it when I'm not home. I told him he could look at it when I am home. Id rather him do it then rather than hide it. I dont like secrets. Plus if I find what he lookin at it can give me ideas on what I can wear for him and what he likes. Plus its not that often and from what Ive noticed lately its just the crap on the forum hes lookin at. And I know he wont get off that forum. I just dont like to hear the guy talk about women. Thats what really makes me mad. Now if he would be talkin bout me that'd be a different story.

 
Old 06-25-2008, 12:09 PM   #11
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

I just didnt want to sound like I was making excuses for him. I was trying to use logic to handle this. Yes I'm still angry and it is really bothering me. I cant stop thinking about what he said and how thoughtless it was. I know I wasnt supposed to see it but he didnt seem concerned that I had his phone and I'm sure he could have figured that I would look at it. I just dont want another argument that will go nowhere and make things worse. Thats why I never said anything. I know most of you think I should say something but you know how guys love to talk about thinks. Especially when they know they were in the wrong.

 
Old 06-25-2008, 12:27 PM   #12
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

I have to say, I really do think you are making excuses. I don't think you're using logic. I think you are pretending to be ok with it, because it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't really care about your feelings.

Obviously I only know what I read in your posts. And I am not trying to be harsh, I just feel bad for you. You deserve to be with someone who will listen to your concerns and change his behavior if it hurts you.

Quote:
I told him he could look at it when I am home. Id rather him do it then rather than hide it.
This really stood out to me. You told him he could look at it when you were home, so he wouldn't hide it? That doesn't sound like him respecting your wishes at all. It sounds like you are trying to be okay with it, so he doesn't hide things form you. He shouldn't hide it at all. There is absolutely no reason for him to be hiding things from you. It shouldn't be between you pretending to be ok with it, or he'll keep it from you.

Quote:
I know I wasnt supposed to see it but he didnt seem concerned that I had his phone and I'm sure he could have figured that I would look at it.
Just because you had his phone, that doesn't mean he knew you would look at it. Maybe he forgot about it or didn't think you'd see it.

Quote:
I just dont want another argument that will go nowhere and make things worse. Thats why I never said anything.
This makes me sad for you. If something is bothering you, you should ALWAYS be able to go to your boyfriend about it. Especially if he's the one who did something wrong! This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.

Quote:
I know most of you think I should say something but you know how guys love to talk about thinks. Especially when they know they were in the wrong.
You should be in a loving relationship where your boyfriend would want you to come to him if something was bothering you. You shouldn't have to keep anything to yourself. Especially if it's something that *he* did wrong.

Someone said earlier that it sounds like you have a good relationship because you have each others passwords and all of that. I have to disagree. There is way more to a relationship than just being able to look through each others email. It's also about communication and respect, and it doesn't sound like he has either going for him.

I don't want to make you upset, and I hope you realize I'm only saying this so you can think about it all. Sometimes when we're in the situation, we only see what we want to. If you think about it all and still really want to work it out with him, then that's great. But I still think you should really re-consider the relationship.

And I also think you should re-consider talking to him about it.

 
Old 06-26-2008, 12:09 PM   #13
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

Honestly the whole looking at porn on occasion doesnt really bother me. Weather he does it when Im home or not I see what hes lookin at. I never asked him to stop. As I said before that I know bringing it up to him will be quite the hassle. Our relationship is in somewhat of a fragile state right now. We've had to endure some changes over the past few months and are just now trying to get readjusted and back in tune with eachother. We've always been really close and these changes have made us grow apart. Neither one of us have really been happy. Hes never been the talking type but finally last night he opened up and told me how he felt about how things have been goin with us. He told me that he didnt want to lose me and with both had to try to make things better. Let me just also add that none of this was ever an issue until we started growing apart. Trust me I know what he said wasnt right and I'm pretty sure that he knows I saw it cuz of how Ive been towards him and the comments Ive made ever since I saw it. I think that may have been what prompted the behavior last night. I am well aware that our relationship is far from perfect but we are now working on it. I think one of the reasons it hurt me so much was because of our situation and the fact that I didnt know if he was interested in dating someone else. His initiative to talk with me and statements he made last night have put my mind at ease. I'm not saying that I have forgotten about this but at least he has taken the first step to make things right.

 
Old 06-26-2008, 01:11 PM   #14
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

Honestly I think you're overreacting to this forum thing. My ex was on a lot of different car forums because that's his favorite hobby. And whenever a girl posts on there, since it's such a large ratio of guys to girls, the guys usually make jokes and give them a lot of attention. Just because guys are what they are, and when you mix cars and women, there's going to be some comments thrown about. I don't think you should be so sensitive about it because if you knew anything about these online car forums, you'd know that it has nothing to do with anything, and a lot of those guys are either married or in relationships, so it's not like they'd ever do anything. They're all just kidding around. I know this because I joined a few of them myself just because I'd met a lot of the guys at the car shows that my ex and I attended together and they were nice, so I wanted to be involved. It's honestly nothing for you to feel threatened over. It's all talk and nothing more. I think there are more serious problems that you probably need to address in your relationship, judging by your latest post, than this particular situation.

 
Old 06-30-2008, 12:23 PM   #15
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Re: Forum + Boyfriend= Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Honestly I think you're overreacting to this forum thing. My ex was on a lot of different car forums because that's his favorite hobby. And whenever a girl posts on there, since it's such a large ratio of guys to girls, the guys usually make jokes and give them a lot of attention. Just because guys are what they are, and when you mix cars and women, there's going to be some comments thrown about. I don't think you should be so sensitive about it because if you knew anything about these online car forums, you'd know that it has nothing to do with anything, and a lot of those guys are either married or in relationships, so it's not like they'd ever do anything. They're all just kidding around. I know this because I joined a few of them myself just because I'd met a lot of the guys at the car shows that my ex and I attended together and they were nice, so I wanted to be involved. It's honestly nothing for you to feel threatened over. It's all talk and nothing more. I think there are more serious problems that you probably need to address in your relationship, judging by your latest post, than this particular situation.
I agree and we are addressing those issues now. Thank you for your post.

 
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