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Old 06-19-2008, 05:32 PM   #1
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Question dependency issues/security in relationships

hey all.. i am a 24 female from ny, usa.. i was recently told i have issues with dependency and look for security in my partners.. i have never really i think felt real love.. i think its that i look for people to take away my past pain of my mother leaving me at age 2 and never returning and my father physically abusing me.. i tend to like both men and woman due to these issues.. i tend to dress like a man more then a woman also.. i love sports like crazy too.. on the down side of these issues i feel like im always being used.. Im the 1 that always spends all the money in my relationships.. Its funny because i dont even work now. i am on disability due to my bipolar disorder. I charge my credit cards like crazy, by treating people out. im in 20,000 debt now, because of these issues.. i just dont know what to do.. i always put myself last and worry about everyone else first.. things never seem to go good for me ever in my life.. Any help would be awesome or advice.. hugs christina

 
Old 06-20-2008, 04:06 AM   #2
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Re: dependency issues/security in relationships

Dear Christina....If you are unloved and abused as a tiny child, then you have never known the true security of emotional safety. It would be almost impossible for you to open up and trust another person, as you have never learned to be safe doing this. It is a crime what parents can do to children that they abuse or neglect. You feel that you have nothing to offer except to buy friendships, and reject people before they have a chance to reject you (again). There is work you can do on this; a group situation is best, you will be amazed at how many people have these issues to varying degrees. Every attempt you make to have a relationship is an attempt to fill the gap that your parents left and it is unlikely to do that in the long term. You need to love and nurture and treat yourself because you are the only person in the world who knows yourself well enough to heal you. Seek help to get you started. Good luck and hugs from one who has been there. Sera

 
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Old 06-20-2008, 12:03 PM   #3
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Re: dependency issues/security in relationships

Dear Christina,
I am so sorry that you had to experience all of this from such an early age. I can assure you that you are not alone as I have had a very traumatic upbringing as well. I happen to think that within most intimate relationship there has to be a little bit of dependency and security as you have to have trust and create this ‘equal partnership’. I try not to let things get to me or even talk about my issues as I would rather deal with them in my own way. I don’t like to have to deal; I kind of move on and not subject my children to the same and show them a sense of normalcy. (Love, support, understanding, kindness, affection, devotion.)

Do you have any hobbies or things to keep you busy? It seems like you are very lonely (You can have a million friends and still feel alone). Do you have a therapist or someone that you can confine in with some of these issues? I don’t necessarily think that you should pick and poke at why you are the way you are and how you came about being that way. You should love yourself and feel comfortable with yourself as the way that you are. I know that sometimes that’s easier said then done.

You seem like someone that likes to make people happy and does not stand up for yourself or understand your worth. There has to be a breaking point in your life where enough’s enough. People respect people who respect themselves. I think that people who have been through such traumatic experiences have such an inner strength that some people do not posses.

I bet that you worry about everything excessively too right?

Please let me know how you are feeling.
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Old 06-20-2008, 06:09 PM   #4
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Smile Re: dependency issues/security in relationships

i worry constantly.. i am to nice and giving thats my problem.. i see a therapist weekly. i no longer have any friends, because i let them all go, because i became stronger as a person, and my so called friends were still stuck on the partying lifestyle.. I am by myself now. very lonely.. im started to become stronger and not call my mother really anymore, because she left me at age 2 for her crack issues and loser bfs.. my life was very dysfunctional.. had many people die in my life from drug overdoses and cancer. i just cant trust anybody.. had no love or nurture from my own family, so loving myself is hard.. i do have a short temper though. i keep everything inside me, when im mad. then eventually i let it build up and i explode, like rage.. i am bipolar.. dont take any medications anymore, because the medication destroyed me physically.. i have never been married and have no kids.. i am 24 years old.. i love sports and writing and reading.. i love traveling.. i love the ocean and high mountain views.. i am a taurus. your life is a lot like mine too.. my mother always cared only about her bfs. my mother only calls me when she wants something. my dad calls me to degrade me and humiliate me.. my life is awful.. i do have faith. i believe in god.. i pray occasionally.. where are you from? are you married? whats your age? hugs all christina

 
Old 06-21-2008, 04:59 PM   #5
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Re: dependency issues/security in relationships

Hi Christina,

My soon to be X was left by his mom when he was 7 to be raised by his father. His dad was never home he worked on the tugboats alot, and when his dad's girlfriend and daughter entered the picture, the "stepsister" could do no wrong in my X's fathers eyes.

Having said all this my H can not emotionally attach, and when the tough gets going he gets going. He left his first wife and two kids for another woman when his kids were 4 and 2.

He has since walked out on me and our 5 year old twins for someone else because he "wasn't happy" no he but its because of issues with in him.

Just wanted to tell you I understand from living with some one about the dependency.

HUGS to you.

 
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