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Old 06-28-2008, 06:30 AM   #1
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A question for those who have found true and lasting love

There might only be a couple of people here who could answer this question but it's something I've wondered about for a long time. I don't mean to sound pathetic as I have a pretty good life. But I'm not one of those folks who was blessed by finding true love. And the reason this breaks my heart (when I allow myself the time to occasionally grieve this) is because it's strictly been a physical issue. I've met 3 men in my life where, if the physical had connected, I think it could have blossomed to a wonderful love. But I'm far from a classic beauty and it does matter. (That subject has been address on a few other threads and, while some wear rose color glasses and will not see that fact, trust me, it's fact.) So I spend my life wondering and I've decided to ask. Here's my question:

For those of you who have found a true and lasting love, how has it impacted your life? Not in the big picture of having completed yourself or fulfilling your life -- I think we all understand that concept --, but in that simple day to day plundering through life's Monday through Friday routine -- how has it impacted your life?

And just to be clear, I'd really like this to come from people who have years invested. I've noticed that "long term" has a very different meaning to people now, especially young people. If your "long term" is 18 months, or even two months, you have a long way to go yet to get to my idea of long term.

A couple of months ago I had a gall bladder attack and as I layed in the ER in horrible physical pain, this was where my mind went. How wonderful if I hadn't had to explain away why, at 3 a.m. I had no one to support me. Medical people are very dense about this. More than once I've had to assure them "no, I really don't have anyone to call at this hour." In it's most simple terms, that's how I image true and lasting love -- knowing you have someone at 3 a.m. Now tell me what it's really like.

 
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Old 06-28-2008, 08:10 AM   #2
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

I have been married to my husband for forty years. I was 18 when I got married, and he was 21. You could say that we grew up together, we were children playing house. We have 2 children. OK, now the best I can do to answer your question is to give you some examples of what happens (with us, anyway). A couple of years ago he had a heart attack and then a coronary bypass. The doctors said not to bother coming in on the first afternoon of the surgery as he would be out of it. I thought OK, but you know, I just found myself going there. I was happy just to sit by him. He was the same when I ever went to hospital - I would wake up and there he would be reading his book next to the bed. Everything I do is more fun when he is there. He is my best friend and I know that he will always be there for me, no question. We had our glitches as we grew up and adjusted to each other, but neither of us can consider life to have much meaning without the other half of us. We are not a particularly "romantic" couple, but we do affirm each other. It is really like being half of a whole after all this time. I cannot imagine any other way of life. Sera

 
Old 06-28-2008, 08:50 AM   #3
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

I have been married to my wife for five months now (!), but I have known her and have been her partner for more than twelve years. We also have two kids.

We met in the most unprobable context (I am sorry I can't go in detail here), but it helps to show that the beginning of relationship in part hinges on luck, coincidence, surprises! Whatever. But not only on these.

Love is important, but love as a feeling varies along the years. It usually begins with passion and then gradually moves into friendship or companionship.

Physical beauty may be important to some people, but it's quite misleading. I would favour cleanliness, adequate clothing, adequate bahaviour, adequate wording, sense of humour, tendership, and common objectives over beauty. Physical beauty alone serves the purpose of your sexual drive, in my opinion. It is not unimportant, but to give it the highest position in a relationship is perhaps a sign of immaturity.

Unfortunately there seems to be no fool-proof receipt or formula for finding love and even connecting with people in meaningful ways. But I think it helps to develop tolerance to minor mistakes in the other people and develop your personal talents.

 
Old 06-28-2008, 10:53 AM   #4
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

i have been married for 14yr and together for 16yr about 4 yrs ago i became ill i had to close my business and i am in bed about 22hrs a day my hubby has not wavered once. at the begining when i got sick i told him to find someone else but again and again he always told me we are soul mates and meant to be he would also say he didnt marry me because of what i could do for him he married me because he loved me.he has picked up the slack around the house with the kids and house work i couldnt make it without him he is a sweetheart

 
Old 06-28-2008, 11:25 AM   #5
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

DH & I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this September. We lived together for seven years before marrying. We were 19 when we met. No children by choice.

To address the part of your question about the Monday through Friday routines, I guess the best way to put it is we are the light at the end of the tunnels for each other. It's the one part of the day we still look forward to -- particularly nowadays where almost everyone is affected by our falling economy. Everyone just seems so "angry." DH & I were just talking about it the other day, how we really only have each other to fall on. I smiled and laughed more last Wednesday night from the time both of us got home and were together than I did all day in all of my daytime travels. He says the same.

I was lucky enough to marry my best friend, tho. Making each other smile and laugh has always come very naturally for us. The romance/sex might ebb and flow, physical ailments come and go. But the first thing we really did together was laugh, and we still "fit" that way. Gosh, I'm sitting here cracking up over something he said last week that had me literally in tears because I was laughing so hard at the time.

So I guess we're each other's comfort at the end of the day. We're each other's comic relief. We're each other's rewards for getting through the "routine" of the average work day.

I truly tried to avoid making this sound hokey

 
Old 06-28-2008, 03:31 PM   #6
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

Resolution - I gather these were probably not the answers you were hoping for. It seems maybe you were looking for something like "yes, I love him but it's not always great, and my life would be just as great without him as it is with him, I've got my friends, my family, myself, etc." But that simply isn't reality. It's just a very sad truth that love with a trustworthy companion does complete you in a way nothing else does,it's amazing and one of the greatest gifts God can bestow, but not everyone gets to have it.

I know where you're coming from. I recently had a biopsy and had to spend the day in bed taking it easy, I couldn't lift anything heavy, etc. And I didn't have anyone there to help me, tend to me, anything like that. I ended up lifting a few heavy bags of groceries when I wasn't supposed to. I needed groceries and had no one to help carry them in for me. It's just something people like us have to accept. Some people get a life that is blessed and that they can really live, and others have to make the best of a life that must be endured. All we can do is make the best of it.

 
Old 06-28-2008, 04:52 PM   #7
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

one more thing id like to add being in a long time marriage you need to work at it or it dont work my hubby and i still hold hands kiss and play around. other married couples think we should be over all that by now. i say no way. they complain about their spouses but they dont want to put the effort forth to fix anything. yes we do fight once i awhile but i love him more everyday and my life would not be complete wihout him. anyone who wants a long and happy marriage has to work a hard as they do trying to get them in the begining and not be lazy with their spouse once they marry them

Last edited by neffie663; 06-28-2008 at 04:54 PM.

 
Old 06-29-2008, 02:26 PM   #8
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
I have been married to my husband for forty years. I was 18 when I got married, and he was 21. You could say that we grew up together, we were children playing house. We have 2 children. OK, now the best I can do to answer your question is to give you some examples of what happens (with us, anyway). A couple of years ago he had a heart attack and then a coronary bypass. The doctors said not to bother coming in on the first afternoon of the surgery as he would be out of it. I thought OK, but you know, I just found myself going there. I was happy just to sit by him. He was the same when I ever went to hospital - I would wake up and there he would be reading his book next to the bed. Everything I do is more fun when he is there. He is my best friend and I know that he will always be there for me, no question. We had our glitches as we grew up and adjusted to each other, but neither of us can consider life to have much meaning without the other half of us. We are not a particularly "romantic" couple, but we do affirm each other. It is really like being half of a whole after all this time. I cannot imagine any other way of life. Sera
Hi Sera:
My 'puter died so I've been off line for a few days.

This is what I think people imagine as perfection in a relationship. Sane, reasoned people who were not looking for a BMW or a trophy wife. It's interesting that you say that you cannot imagine any other way of life. I can't imagine having your way of life. But it actually gives me comfort to know it exists.

Thanks.

 
Old 06-29-2008, 02:34 PM   #9
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Resolution - I gather these were probably not the answers you were hoping for. It seems maybe you were looking for something like "yes, I love him but it's not always great, and my life would be just as great without him as it is with him, I've got my friends, my family, myself, etc." But that simply isn't reality. It's just a very sad truth that love with a trustworthy companion does complete you in a way nothing else does,it's amazing and one of the greatest gifts God can bestow, but not everyone gets to have it.

I know where you're coming from. I recently had a biopsy and had to spend the day in bed taking it easy, I couldn't lift anything heavy, etc. And I didn't have anyone there to help me, tend to me, anything like that. I ended up lifting a few heavy bags of groceries when I wasn't supposed to. I needed groceries and had no one to help carry them in for me. It's just something people like us have to accept. Some people get a life that is blessed and that they can really live, and others have to make the best of a life that must be endured. All we can do is make the best of it.
Actually, I think that what I wanted to know is if there are people in this world who have actually found happiness with another person. And it seems a very few have.

Lucky dogs.

 
Old 06-29-2008, 02:49 PM   #10
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

All -

Right after this post my computer bit the dust. It was a fixable software issue but way not fixable by me so it look a couple of days.

Thank you all for the responses. Here's my thinking.

I wish I'd found love. I'm not giving up hope, but the light is getting dimmer. I'm one of those nice people who actually wanted someone to give to (more than receive) but it wasn't in the cards. Well, with the divorce rate out of sight and almost everyone I know "staying for the kids" or whatever version of that excuse they use, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this. Maybe my own little odd ball mid-life crisis. Here's what I've come to think.

You see, I missed out on love. It's obvious and visible. No family, no husband, no kids. But I honestly believe there's a huge percentage of people who married and had children who are exactly like me, just less visible. They married the wrong person, had kids who are burdens, whatever. So on one hand, I could use this as comfort. But oddly enough, knowing the boat is much fuller than originally thought isn't comforting for me. I want to know that love, true love, is possible. Maybe it's rare. Maybe it's unlikely. But for a few, for whatever reason.....fate, luck, blessing.....it's real and can happen.

It sounds like that's true.

I was in a store the other day and I saw a picture in the art dept. that said "and they lived happily ever after". Whether or not it's likely, I take comfort to know some folks can hang that on their walls. I wish I had the key. I wish I understood why this most sought after need is the hardest to fill. But for now I'll just be happy that a few people hit the jackpot and put it along side my lottery dreams. Not likely to ever happen but I'll still occasionally buy a ticket.

Thanks all.

 
Old 06-30-2008, 07:11 AM   #11
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

That sounds like a healthy attitude. That's really all we can do. Good luck to you.

 
Old 07-01-2008, 08:28 AM   #12
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Re: A question for those who have found true and lasting love

I think I like Larrylou's mom,(SMILE) she is so right. As for me I did have it and it was great and will always give me joy. It was just not at the right time in my life I wish we had not told each other we loved each other so much for so many years so we could have shared the love of a true friends together. It a was causing her stress because it was not the way she has been brought up it was against her values. And a lot of stress on me too from the wanting to see her.(My morals still need a little work on them, Smile) I don't need her to be physically close to me just the thought of her playing with her daughter and grand babies gives me joy. I would of liked to have seen her one more time in person, just incase something would of happened to either of us before we ever did get to be with each other someday it would of held me over for the rest of my life. I do hope she takes some movies of her interacting with her family, seeing them together would complete my life. You can't have everything you want in life but I will always have hope. And the looks thing well if we do collide again in this life her looks won't matter to me at all. I will be looking at her through the eyes of a very experienced child. I wish you the best in life and I think you will find that Love of your life. Just don't forget to enjoy the beauty we have around us everyday. Good luck and good health be with you, Indychris

 
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