It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-01-2008, 03:52 AM   #1
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 98
indychris HB User
Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

I found out a few weeks ago from a mutual aquaintince that I and the woman I have for so many years, do now, and always will have the very best part of my heart reserved for and the one that inspires me every day to be my best. (So I can get in heaven in about 80 years, SMILE) Seriously though, apparently she felt very hurt and could not understand my going to her fathers grave. I have thought about this quite a bit since I found out this information. I never intended to cause her any grief from my actions and would never had done so if I thought it would. I hope she understands someday why I did so. Well, my question that I need feedback on is this, I know I have and always will be a person that never wants to hurt a persons feelings from my words or actions and if I do, because I have in the past unintentionally, I appoligised for it. I think sometimes I feel worse then them. Don't mean to ramble but my ADHD meds are wore off now. My question is this. Am I the only person on this board that would feel compelled to go to the grave of the a person's father, that I have such deep feelings for and so very proud of, espeically when you have never met him and its about 1000 miles away. You see I had got to read some of his memorials and found out that we both shared a Great, Great love of music, children, and liked to and could fix almost anything just like me. Needless to say it touched me that I never got to meet him, I think he would of liked me and me him. I also could immediately see allot of his looks, from pictures of him, in his beautiful daughter and grandson.... ears, eyes, smile, just thinking about that smile makes me smile. I wish I could of given him at least 1 grand baby. Oh well, I could of, had my chance and can't change that. We both have beautiful children of our own and could never replace them. It has worked out well for the both of us. Well the reason I went was just to be near him for just a little while, pay my respects and the most important thing, ask his forgiveness for breaking up with his little girl, not just once but three times over the last 36 years, the last time was 26 years ago and I think that it may have affected the way she has entered into relationships with men throughout her life, trust and being able to give someone her heart. ( Sorry Recovering from severe depression and off meds. totally, less then a month, 6 year ordeal and over $200,000.00 out of my pocket, the side effect from a kemo drug. I will never judge a person with depression after walking in their shoes it was bad.) Well needless to say that was one of the emotionally painful and draining days in my life and I will never forget it. I think he could here me and did forgave me and it has helped the spiritual part of me move on with my life. Before I left I also played 4 beautiful songs quietly to him and think he would of liked them also. One from his daughter that she had put on his tribute by Coldplay-The Scientist, the words in that song are so tender, and from me a song by LeAnn Rimes-Amazing Grace, one sent to me from his daughter by the Dixie Chicks-Lullaby, The only song I can't listen to that one anymore but maybe someday, and one from me to her by Sting-1000 years. I think now in my present mental state, my best in years, that I probably would not have driven all that way and I would just spent some quiet time under the stars and my thoughts would have reached him but I was feeling so sad at that time and I needed some time to myself. I still don't regret going there because of the closeness to him I felt while I was there. I don't think I would of felt that anywhere but there but I wish I had not let her know about it now. Do you think she will someday understand it does bother me. I know," Too Much Information", her words to me that still make me LOL when I think of them and what we were talking about. Thank you Indychris

Last edited by indychris; 07-01-2008 at 06:30 AM. Reason: did not finish what I had to say

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-01-2008, 06:22 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

Quote:
Originally Posted by indychris View Post
...Thank you Indychris
I don't know much what to say. But first of all I think you did what felt right for you to do. It was a bold and unusual thing to do, but I can't see how it could hurt anyone. I don't think you have violated anything. You shouldn't worry now about what was done. Indeed, it may be difficult for someone else to understand. People in general don't like to deal with the dead, with death, etc. But I think we owe a great deal to the dead, whether we have met them or not. We literally walk upon them, don't we? Relax my friend.

Let me share something with you: I am particularly attracted by cemeteries. I don't go after them, but if I happen to find one in my way, I will take a few minutes, if I can, walk in and among the graves, along the alleys, read the inscriptions, etc. It's a very good exercise, if I may say so.

When you go to a city where you have never been before, it's a valuable practise to visit one of the cemeteries. It's like reading a tiny bit of its history.

Sorry if this was off-topic.

 
Old 07-02-2008, 06:24 AM   #3
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 98
indychris HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

Thanks Pendulem, I was starting to think that no one was going to take the time to reply back to me. It is an unuseual question and probably a question that deserves allot of thought before answering back to I guess. I do hope that I get more feedback though and if not you are right it a subject that people don't want to think about and now I think should of been posted on the greif and loss board. Sorry about my spelling, I have adhd and don't have allot of time today to use spell check. Indychris

 
Old 07-02-2008, 09:36 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,363
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

indychris - I'm not sure why she is so upset with you......cemetaries are public places where anyone can go.....
why did you tell her though......what were you hoping to gain by telling her? Maybe thinking she would appreciate the gesture? So she's not your woman now? She was and you broke up? I'm trying to get a little background on your story.....why did you break up?

 
Old 07-02-2008, 09:56 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

I don't think I would get upset, but I would wonder why someone whom I was in a relationship with 26 years ago would want to visit my parent's grave. It seems like you have been holding on to this relationship that's been over for decades, and it's possibly preventing you from moving on with your life in a healthy way. Do you still think of her constantly? I was in love when I was 18 and thought I'd never get over our breakup but now I don't ever even think of the guy and if I happen to, there's no hurt, regret or anything. And once long ago I thought I'd NEVER get over it.

Can you put this relationship into a small place in your memory and move on with life so you can enjoy today?

 
Old 07-02-2008, 12:06 PM   #6
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 98
indychris HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
indychris - I'm not sure why she is so upset with you......cemetaries are public places where anyone can go.....
why did you tell her though......what were you hoping to gain by telling her? Maybe thinking she would appreciate the gesture? So she's not your woman now? She was and you broke up? I'm trying to get a little background on your story.....why did you break up?
Rosequartz, Thank you. I was very sick with depression at the time I wrote to her and told her my intentions, I had no responce back to me saying it was not a good idea. I also asked my shrink and he felt it was okay. I really didn't know what I was doing, it was the hardest and most horrible time of my life, it was like living in a nightmare. A few months earlier I had contact with her again after our last contact in 1996. This time was different she told me she loved me and always had and she and would wait for me 10 years she didn't care to take of my family here. I was already in the last stages of severe clinical depression and I didn't know it. Those words were words I had dreamed of hearing for the last 20 years and just made me feel so good you know how you feel when you first start dating someone you really to be around. Well those words also were more then my heart could handle at that time and gave me just enough of a push so send me into that depression. I know it would of eventually of happened maybe in another year or two. Really,I was the lucky one that it happened when it did. I am back with the living now. I think you might be partly right on that gesture thing, not going to dwell on it though, but I think I was hoping she would allow me to visit her and say good buy in person. If you look at my posts in past you will find out, like she would put it "too much information"(LOL) about our relationship over the last 36 years. I am Okay now and I feel alive again, like a kid in a candy store, every day is better and better.I just want to find out what is over that hill and that one and......now. I really did need his forgiveness and that I feel in my heart I did get and I do feel good about that time I spent with him. I do wish I never told her though and just did it now. I also think that I needed her forgiveness for my causing her heartake in the past more then anyone. I have discovered it has caused me allot pain too, Oh well, I just wish the whole wide world would forgive me! (smile)rambel rambel ram ... thanks for taking some time for me it does mean allot to me. xoxo Chris

 
Old 07-02-2008, 01:57 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,363
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

chris-she's had her opportunity to forgive you, and in my opinion, you did nothing wrong.......people might not understand your reasoning, and you might not even understand it yourself, but your intentions were not malicious. You did what you felt you needed to do for closure of some sort. If she can't forgive you, that's her problem.......now YOU need to forgive yourself.....

 
Old 07-04-2008, 01:54 AM   #8
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 98
indychris HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

Thanks everyone, I am okay with my actions now. I don't really have the time to try to figure them out, nor do I think I want too right. I was forced into reading some of the letters and my thoughts today and wow, all I can say is, they were the words actions of a very sick person suffering with major depression and I mean very sick. I think I thought that some how his forgiveness would have healed my hurting inside that would not go away. I don't know. Now I think he is going to think I'm a weird-o and just punch me in the nose when I see him! (smile) I read posts again and had to chuckle when I read the comment from Pendulum "it was a bold and unusual thing to do" , Good one mr P. I would have to say now, I agree! I'll keep those words in my limited vocabulary and use them as needed. Trust me, I'm a car salesman! With a bunch of teenagers hanging at my home all the time there will be a lot of opportunities! Yep, I guess I am just a bold an unusual kinda guy!(Smile). Hay, I AM moving on with my life right now and don't think I will post here to many more times it takes me too long. I don't ever think I will learn where the letters are on this keyboard and my spelling is awful. When I do post It will be probably be on the depression board, I really feel for those people, and I can relate to them right now but I don't for how much longer. I hope I can help just one of them I will be happy. I need to limit my time to a couple hours a week this is addictive. I want to post on this board, back problems, Hepatitis, Parenting Issues, Anxiety, OCD,(think this one is multiplied 10 fold with depression), Grief & loss,ADD, and Bipolar Disorder, this is one that I will need to be careful with and try not to inject my dry since of humor very much if at all, the written word can be lost in translation way way too easy for them. I think I live with one of them so I will need to be careful with not falling in love with one of them. It really takes a special, special person to have enough patients and understanding to love them and besides that I think you can only have one wife at a time in most states, right? Maybe I'll just move..... (Smile) I have ADHD and kind of impulsive sometimes, so I will need to think allot before I give my thoughts to them. I'm very open and trusting with people. My girls got a little mad at me a couple months ago for bringing home, feeding, and hiring a young couple that I met at my local supply store that were stranded with not a dime to their names...... it ended happy ever after. I spoiled my girls too much they don't know about the poor just getting by life. I went to twelve schools all over the country growing up with my three brothers and no father around. Yep I'm one of those special, bold and unusual guy!
I had the nicest night tonight with my girls talk about memories and I have about 2 lost years to catch up on. I'll be back Chris

 
Old 07-04-2008, 01:38 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,363
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Didn't mean to hurt her with my actions

Chris I'm glad to hear you sounding like you're feeling better with everything now. You seem to have found some peace, that you desperately deserve. Stick around, if you go, you'll be missed!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
What would happen if I just binged at dinner time but didn't eat breakfast or lunch? aznkid94030 Diet & Nutrition 3 06-16-2010 09:42 AM
what does it mean when your balls hurt dd714 Sexual Health - Teens 2 04-28-2010 05:39 PM
do words I love mean anything any more ka1 Relationship Health 22 03-08-2009 07:14 PM
what do I do when someone uses their illness to hurt others grapefruit45 Bipolar Disorder 2 08-05-2007 03:45 AM
I Didn't See It Coming.... TheEconomist21 Anger Management 5 03-03-2007 09:54 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added











All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:16 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!