I think my marriage may be over. - Relationship Health Message Board

belle14 · 07-04-2008, 08:12 AM

a little background, i'm 30 he is 32 and we've been married for 8½ yrs, no kids. we've been happy for most part of our marriage, or at least i thought we were. until my husband drop the bomb and told me he has been feeling unhappy this past 1-2 yrs and just realized it now. he said he is doubting himself and that he realizes he has not done much in his life and he is not getting any younger. he said he feels like marriage is getting a little too much for him. his said it feels like its "suffocating" him. he said he wants to do something for himself but he cannot do it coz he is married. in short he now feels like marriage is a burden. obviously he is unsure whether he still wants to be married or not. i feel like my life is put on hold while i'm waiting for his "verdict". i love him with all i have but i'm not going to stick around with someone who does not want me anymore. the first talk we had he said he does not want to hurt me. i told him if he ends our marriage, there is no way thats going to happen without hurting me. i told him i will get hurt, badly, but i don't want him to just stick with me coz he does not want to hurt me while feeling miserable inside. i don't need him to save my feelings. if he is going to leave then he might as well leave now. i know he still cares about me but care alone wont sustain a marriage. if he decides to stick with me, it is because he loves me and want to spend his life with me. that, above all the other reasons.

i don't want to give up on my marriage so easily. theres just too many good things to walk away from. but i also believe if one of the partner starts to doubt and feel unhappy, thats just the end of it. we cant make someone stay with us if they feel like they are better off without us. i don't really know what i came here for. i guess i'm just so sad and lost right now and maybe i could use some advice, anything. thanks

jinx2418 · 07-04-2008, 09:29 AM

Maybe he just needs some time for himself? Maybe you can tell him that you can stay married and you will allow him and not stop him from doing what it is he wants to do. Ask him what it is he wants to do and if there's a way you can help him. It's up to you also if you want to be with him as you said, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. However, you have been together for a while and perhaps he's just having some issues within himself and he needs to figure it out before he can be a better husband. So maybe, he needs some reassurance that he can do what he wants with his life and that you will support him. Marriages go through rough points and there can be years of hardships. But is it worth it to save the relationship? It's good you are talking with him. Keep talking and try and see if you can figure out exactly what his plans are and if you can help him with it. Let him know you are there to support him and you love him. See how that makes him feel and maybe you can save your marriage. I hope you can!

belle14 · 07-04-2008, 07:18 PM

thank you for your reply but i think everything has turned for the worst. my husband has finally said to me that he wants a divorce. i felt like my world just fell apart. it hurts so much. i find it hard to accept that the man i have shared my life with for so many years has told me he does not want to be with me anymore. i thought our marriage was solid and we were happy. i feel like i'm in a nightmare and i want to wake up. i find it hard to accept his reasons why he does not want to be with me anymore. i felt they are so shallow and does not really warrant a divorce. this is our life he's throwing away. he said he finds it difficult to explain and he will write it down for me. i even asked him if we could at least try and work it out but he said the problem is not something that can be fixed. it's not something that i did or did not do. i honestly believe inside of me that he may have fallen out of love. coz if there is still love in him for me, i dont think he will easily decide to end our marriage. i think love is what gets a couple through rough times in a marriage and without that it just wouldnt work. but you see our marriage so far has never been through rough times. our 8½ yrs of marriage has been easy. we hardly fight at all and we did not have any major problem whatsoever. thats why i never saw this coming. this felt like being hit by a bullet train its surreal.

right now im just so filled with emotions. i dont know what to do or where to start. i'm trying to pull all my courage and strenght to get through this but right now i feel like my life just went down the drain. all i ever did was cared for him, supported him and love him and at the end this is all i get. i felt so betrayed. it's not that i cannot take care of myself or cannot be on my own. i know i just need to start somewhere but i'm so used to being with him that seeing my life without him makes me feel so unbelievebably sad and lonely. i'm going to miss him so much and our life together. it hurts.

Bebop17 · 07-04-2008, 08:48 PM

I am behaving badly by responding to the first post and only thread I have read since joining this board like nine seconds ago. Apologies to all, I do know better and will accept any consequences and I have no excuse except that I really wanted to respond quickly and am too tired to read anything else.

First of all, if he is telling you the truth as it occurs to him, he is doing you the greatest favour he can. What I mean is, if he is telling you before acting on or exploring any of these feelings, that is a huge sign of love and respect. He is giving you the gift of setting you free at the same time that he is begining to consider new paths. And that's what you do if you love someone. You let them begin to make choices at the same time as you, not after you've tested things by having an affair or even flirting.

Secondly, if he is telling the truth, he absolutely needs to see a doctor right away for the express purpose of ruling out any physical causes for the bad feelings he can't explain. For all the reasons that brought me to this board in the first place, I am considering some kind of tattoo to this effect. No, Really.

Always always rule out physical causes first. Insist on it for anyone in your care or whose care you can influence.

A checkup for you can't hurt either, and anyway, if you have a good doctor, they will factor psychic stresses into your health care. (If you have a doctor who will use this against you? label you crazy, bad, or difficult? Stay mum and find support where it is safe.)

Thirdly, whether he has behaved completely honourably, has lied and had a dozen affairs, or anything in between, it is important that you consider getting some kind of professional to mediate your split. Whether it is a doctor, therapist, conflict resolution specialist or anyone else, you have the right and responsibility to ask your husband to participate in some kind of process with a fair, objective professional who has both your best interests at heart. Plus, his answer to such a request might help you both to understand things better.

Please also look into getting some individual supportive counselling for each of you. If at all possible, please consider this neither unnecessary nor a luxury. You both deserve all the support you can get to help you find a happy ending.

The best advice I can give you will sound stupid but is an important lesson I have recently learned: the simple key to your happy ending is to forgive everyone, including yourself, for everything that has happened til this moment. Understand that we are all flawed, that our flaws result from our parents' flaws, they got theirs from their parents and no-one is to blame. We are all victims of irrational fears we may not even know about, molded by events we have long forgotten.

Forgiving yourself and everyone else allows you to learn every lesson and grab every opportunity for happiness that comes along and live well and happily. The trick is not to look backward at any damage already done or missed opportunities.

So for example, even if you found out he lied 5 years ago, assume it was because of fears and flaws that go back to your MIL's issues (she has some, right?

), and that she is a victim herself. You'd be learning about a past event *now*, and he'd be confessing it *now*, and you both have choices about next steps *now*.

If he is honest and fearless, this will be the best thing for both of you. If he isn't, this will be the best thing for you.

Take this advice with a grain of salt, because I am projecting much of my own recent experience here. My husband wanted a divorce, and I smelled depression and denial, and I fought tooth and nail against doctors and therapists who colluded with him. Turns out I was right, and my marriage and family seem to be well on our way to a happy ending. Well, except for my medical crisis and a million other related crises and no safe health care until we can figure out who had obligations not to drop the ball. But I'd rather have him in love with me, and our family intact, than all the happy doctor relationships in the world, and I am throwing the rest over to a qualified objective outsider to sort out.

Good luck and take good care of yourself in every way you can!

belle14 · 07-04-2008, 10:15 PM

i will pray that i will have the courage and the heart to forgive him... someday perhaps. but i just dont see that i can forgive him at this point in time. he is ending our marriage, our life together all for his selfish reasons. he has totally shut me out of his life as if i was never a significant part of it. yeah maybe he is doing me a favor for not cheating, but should that make me feel better? should i consider that as a favor? one of the things that hurt me the most is all he did this past few days is to think and decide whether he will divorce me or not without even thinking or even considering the idea of at least trying to work it out. he said its not easy for him but i find that hard to believe. i think when he thought about it he just thought about himself. i did brought up the topic that he could be depressed or he is going through some mid life crisis. but his response is that "i dont think its that". i told him that whatever the problem is im here for him. as his wife i will help him through it. but from what i heard from him, i am his problem. being married to me was his problem. i can see from his face that he was stressed when i try to suggest that we try to work it out. 2 weeks ago i still meant the world to him. we were still a normal happy couple. he gives me a hug when i come home from work and kisses me goodnight before going to sleep and not a day passes by that he never says "i love you". he does that everyday for 8½ yrs that we were married and all of the sudden he does not want me anymore? i cant make any sense of all these. i feel like he does not fully realize what he is doing.

we just moved in our new apartment 3 months ago and i have spent alot of money on this moving. it was all my expenses. i bought some new furniture and all and now thats all gone? obviously he does not care about it. we have a nice place and a fairly good life. all that he is throwing away. whatever it is that he thinks he wants to search for in his life, i hope its worth leaving the marriage. i hope it justifies divorcing me coz right now all the reasons i have heard from him so far is something i would expect from a childish, immature and selfish person.

right now i just want to concentrate on getting back on my feet, as hard and hopeless as it may seem. i need to put myself back together and maybe later on i can work in forgiving him. i think right now i could really use some advice, encouragement, words of wisdom, whatever, to help me get through the end of my marriage. so if anyone out there has something to share, please do. thank you.