Be miserable or selfish?? - Relationship Health Message Board

smokey22 · 07-06-2008, 05:18 PM

I need to get some things off my chest and if anyone has any advice.........

I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5 yrs and we have 3 kids, our youngest is 2. I was 16 when we met and he was 23 and we had our first child two years later.

We have recently moved and he has have found a new place to drink, he likes to go to the pub after work on Fridays but has come back really drunk a couple of times. No big deal but he used to be a serious binge drinker for years where he would go the pub after work on fridays and spend all weekend getting drunk til he passed out. He would also be verbally abusive and really scare me and his drinking always threatened our relationship. I really don't like my husband when hes drunk, from memories of before and i'm getting worried things will go back to the way they were. When he gets a bad hangover he stays in bed til 12 and ends up drinking again to make it go away. I know its only happened a couple of times but i'm on edge worrying that history will repeat itself. We have 3 kids now and I don't think the older ones should have to see their dad drunk so often (he drinks at home too, at friends houses etc). When he goes to the pub he 'asks' me if i mind, if i say yes he says he doesn't care (not quite so politely!) and hes going anyway - and if i say no i don't mind but please don;t get drunk he comes home steaming drunk so whatever i say he does his own thing. We have a few money probs at the moment so really can't afford for him to go to the pub.

His drinking isn't a major problem at the moment, but i am so unhappy and have been for a while. I don't know if the problem is him or me to be honest. I feel like everyones maid, i do all the housework, cooking and looking after the kids etc. I'm a housewife and my husband works full time and says housework is 'my job' which i find really frustrating. I have spoken to him loads of times about his attitude toward this and for a few days he will help with the washing up or bathing our son etc but it never lasts. He basically comes home from work and puts his feet up all evening.

My husband is not an affectionate man and i am, if i am feeling down i think a hug from someone you love can really make you feel better but if i try to give him a hug or kiss he will tell me to go away and never tries to come near me except in the bedroom when he wants something. It feels as if we are simply co-existing in the same family and not husband and wife.

A few years ago i lost someone in my family in tragic circumstances and was devastated, this triggered post natal depression and he gave me no support at all and used to shout at me for crying and just couldn't understand why i was so upset. I know I resent him for his lack of support and understanding and am trying not to hold on to it but sometimes i ask myself if i really want to be with someone like him.

We don't talk to each other, he doesn't talk much anyway and now i feel like there is nothing to say, and our evenings are spent in different rooms or in silence.

I will always love him, he is the father of my children but i dont know if i am 'in love' with him. We have both grown since we met and can't help but think we have grown in different directions and its only the kids keeping us together. He is quite a character, you either love him or hate him, I was so young and loved his stuborn, blunt, confident carefree attitude but now it winds me up, he won't listen to anyone elses opinion and always does exactly what he wants.

We have been arguing loads lately and its awful for the whole family and sometimes i just can't stand to be near him. I sometimes feel i want him to leave for a while to give us some space so i can sort out my head but i know he would never go. He does not understand me at all and if i try and talk to him he will start an argument and says i twist things so its all his fault. I know its not but every story has 2 sides and he will never listen to how i feel. I'm still so young and think i should be doing something for myself as i have always put him first. I'm happy with my life, the kids are great but think things could be easier if he wasn't here, just seeing his unhappy face coming through the door after work makes my heart sink. If hes had a bad day at work he takes it out on me and admits it but never apologises. The kids adore him so getting him to leave never would be an easy thing, so i just put up with it all and feel more and more miserable. The thought of upsetting everyone for someone i want feels really selfish so the years have gone on.

We dont go out much, and if i had the choice i would do something on my own. When we do go out he gets too drunk and we usually leave early and he can be jealous and possessive over other men. If we went for a meal no doubt we would sit in silence or argue. At times i wonder if i am suffering from depression but its only his actions that make me feel so down/frustrated.

Thank you for reading this and i'm sorry for rambling. I hope someone has some good advice... even if it is a good kick up a*** and stop feeling sorry for myself!!

PrivateH · 07-06-2008, 09:43 PM

sorry you are feeling this way. i know it's so hard to change. Have you tried counseling? Will he go? Do you think that could help you sort your feelings? Sounds like you are really unhappy? I'd suggest couples counseling. See if things can be put on the table and fixed. Hang in there.

smokey22 · 07-07-2008, 02:14 AM

Hi, he definately would not go to counselling, he hates talking to others about our problems. We have tried sitting down and talking and things improve but quickly go back to how they are now, and even at the best of times i feel there is something missing.

Now i've re-read my post i think it does all come from the resentment i feel toward him. I have given up my life for him and am raising his kids and get no emotional support and feel so unappreciated for it. If i try and talk to him about how i felt after my nephew died he says i should stop bringing up the past and move on, he said "he wasn't our family, we have 3 healthy kids be happy for that" - but he was MY family, i just don't understand how he can be so coldhearted about it. I wasn't asking for much, a reassuring hug would have done, not to be shouted at for grieving.

I just don't know if i am generally unhappy and taking it out on him or if he is making me unhappy?

pendulum · 07-07-2008, 04:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smokey22

...

I just don't know if i am generally unhappy and taking it out on him or if he is making me unhappy?

Just to answer your original question: be selfish! At least once in your life. In other words, do something for yourself.

Sorry in advance if my following words will sound harsh to you. Do you know the old saying? "Prevention is better than cure?" Somehow you allowed this miserable situation to take root in your life (you gave all your power to your husband, but ok you didn't know better), and now it's a lot more difficult (albeit not impossible) to pull it out.

Has your husband heard about women's liberation yet? Sorry again, but I am afraid he is poorly educated in that respect. He is treating you like his fourth child, no, worse than that - excuse me - like a nobody. You mustn't allow this to happen any more. You can't possibly change the way he is, the way he thinks, but if you change your behaviour, if you regain your force and authority, he may possibly change his own behaviour, too, of his own accord. Action - reaction. It's worth trying. Don't necessarily fight against him, but fight against yourself. Fight against the idea that you don't have a voice or a choice. You can't tell in advance if your marriage will be saved, but it's about your being born again, if you see what I mean.

Get help and support from other women in the same situation, please.

happymom28 · 07-07-2008, 06:31 AM

I think it's pretty clear that you have grown in two different directions. I'm assuming this is the only "real" relationship you have ever had since you met him at 16? You are now 28(?), a mother of 3 children, and your husband is still the same stubborn, childish, jerk he was when you met him. The only difference now is you want him to be a man he doesn't want to be. Does that make sense?

I'm not blaming you for your situation so please don't take it that way. His drinking IS a problem. His attitude towards you IS a problem. Your whole marriage IS a problem. How can you NOT resent a man like this? He is very selfish, and at 35(?) I don't see him changing unless something major happens in his life to make his see he has to stop. Does that make sense?

You are making excuses for him because it's all you have ever known. If you don't do something for YOU now you are going to continue to grow this resentment you feel. You are not happy and you never will be with this man. He is too selfish to be the husband you deserve and the father the kids deserve.

Counselling is out for him (obviously) so you should go for you. It will help you find the strength and courage you need to take your life back. Nobody should live in the unhappiness you are, but you are the only one who can change it.