Most animal shelters won't even allow you to adopt a pet unless you agree, in writing, to care for the animal for the life of that animal. And they also have a clause in the contract which states that they have right of first refusal if you decide to get rid of the animal you adopted, because they would rather take it back than to have it left out to fend for itself in the outdoors.
So, what are you going to do? Are you going to allow a rude and spiteful mean person to control your life? Or are you going to do the RIGHT thing and get rid of him and start loving your cats again? Because if I was them, I'd probably have run away from home by now. They are so obviously upset and scared and they probably think you don't care about them because you're allowing this interloper in their lives who tortures them and takes pleasure from doing so. You know, majority of serial killers start out by torturing small animals first and then they move up to humans. Just something to keep in mind.
Your boyfriend is a pot smoking (going from past posts) animal abuser, and now a liar. Stop being in the dark and get rid of him. I always said that you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat animals. Many serial killers abused animals as well. I am not saying he is a serial killer, but I am trying to convey how twisted and dangerous people can be who hurt defenseless animals. He doesn't have to like your cats, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt them.
I know you have posted about this issue in the past. Obviously this issue hasn't gotten any better. Do you really expect him to change? I am wondering why you are still with him? You deserve better...and so do your cats!
I think I have been brain washed by my BF who keeps telling me that I'm not normal for putting the cats before him and that if I let our relatisonship die b/c of the cats then I'm a horrible person. I considered letting the one outside and declawing the other to protect them really. I realize that sounds crazy, but if the one was outside he would be away from my BF and happier and if the other didn't have claws then somehow my BF would get along with her better. He has told me over and over again that I haven't done anything to make him feel more comfortable living with cats that hate him. He got to me! That's why I'm here b/c I really think I have changed for the worst being with him. I have always defended the cats and put them first, which is the source of our problem b/c he thinks I love them more than him. The truth is ina way I do, because they love me so much, but I don't want to be seen as a horrible person b/c I'm letting our 2 year relationship end b/c I wouldn't do anything to try and make the situation better. Does that make sense?
he's manipulating you......if he really loved you he wouldn't ASK you to do such a thing......
if he really loved you, what's important to you would be important to him.....
you do love the cats more, and you SHOULD
I don't know what my problem is. I've known for a long time that we aren't compatible yet I have stayed with him. I'm not afraid of being alone, I make enough money to support myself, I just think I'm such a nice person and I don't want to hurt him so I have exhausted every last ditch effort to keep us going, to find hope, anything to keep us together. And now look, I am sacrificing my cats' needs and I know deep down inside things won't be better.
I think I just needed a good slap in the face. Now I just have to face him and his manipulation and somehow get out of this peacefully. I've been in this spot before (as you can see from previous posts). I am almost numb to the fact of us breaking up because it has almost become a reality so many times before.
I want nothing more than the best for me and my cats and my BF isn't good for us. Wish me the strength to leave and find a better life!
I'm glad that you see he is no good and you need to end it. But please don't think you are going to get out of this "peacefully". Chances are he is going to get nasty and make you feel like a lousy person for "choosing the cats over him". You are going to need to be prepared for things to turn ugly. Do you have a friend or family member you can call to be there with you when you talk to him? It's not like they have to be in the same room or he even has to know they are there (they can be in another room listening). Just please make sure you let someone else know what is going on just in case, okay?
Take him out in public and tell him. What if he grabs the cats as "revenge" on you for choosing them over you? How would you feel if he does something terrible to them while you stand there screaming? He's jealous of the cats, as insane as that is, and he may do something terrible to them to get back at you.
Go out in public, somewhere like a restaurant, and tell him that you are choosing to no longer live your life with him. Emphasize that it's your choice and that although his behavior toward your cats is a factor, you have decided that he's just not the right one for you. Expect him to get angry, cry, beg, throw a tantrum, etc. If you are prepared you will be better able to deal with his reaction. And don't put it off to "think it over" because you may delay one day too late and then something truly terrible can happen to your cats and to you.
jennie, I just suggested adoption because obviously the cats are in a dangerous environment and in my opinion, a foster home where they will be safe is preferable to a home where they will definitely be abused. I do feel for all the animals that people got tired of, or didn't want to deal with, or abused, but those cats need to be out of there if mannie8 chooses to stay in her relationship.
now you're talkin'.......
I hope you do it
does he have a key to your place? I'd change the locks first if he does.....
don't back down, you and your cats deserve better.
mannie, I think that is a wonderful breakthrough. Keep listening to yourself and stay strong. Next time you go on a date (which I know is something you are not even thinking about, but it will happen in time) ask right up front how they feel about animals. You are a good person to be taking care of pets.
Simply tell your boyfriend that you are not compatible. Try not to bring the cats into it. He can cry and moan all he wants about the cats, but you can keep it about mutual respect and not being forced to change yourself for him. Afterall, isn't that what this is about? Him wanting to change who you are as a person? Respecting your property?
Redneon's intentions were meant to be good so I understand what she was trying to say. It is hard to find caregivers for all animals. I have fostered cats and found homes for them as well. It is a very difficult, yet rewarding experience.
I once dated a guy whom I really liked as far as looks were concerned. A few weeks into dating, he made a comment about how he hated dogs and thought pets were worthless. It made me sick. I knew he was someone I couldn't be with. We broke up shortly afterward, as I started to find all kinds of flaws in him that I had never seen before.
Personally I wouldn't even bring up the cats as any sort of reason to break up because he sounds evil(where did the blood come from?) and would do harm to the cats and even possibly kill them to retaliate against you! People who will torture an animal would also harm a person! Not someone to keep hanging on to IMHO!
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My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.
jennie, we're agreeing, just stating it in a different way...bottom line, what the bf is proposing is cruel and the fact that she is even considering it...declawing one and tossing the other out when it's been a domesticated house animal...impossible!
I'd like to know the outcome...my heart breaks to think they actually went through with this horrible plan. I'd like to know that it didn't happen and the bf is the one who went!
He entered the room, my boy cat who hates him freaked out and ran into the closet, scraping to get up onto the third shelf (which I've seen him do) and he must have torn a claw in doing this. They had no visible signs of injury, so I really do believe this is what happened. He said he shouldn't have gone in there, that was his mistake. I think I painted a really bad picture in my posting and it must have sounded worst than it was.
Anyway I told him I changed my mind, if anything I would consider getting an outdoor enclosure so my boy cat is safe from the dangers of outside but yet gets to enjoy the breeze, sun, etc. It's something that connects to the house so he can go in when he wants. He said No. He doesn't want an ugly cage in our nice backyard and if he lives in a cage, he might as well still be living in the house. Grr. So then I told him that I don't want to declaw the other anymore. I never wanted to in the first place, I just said yes to try and keep us together. He told me it's not fair to tell him I'm going to do something then go back on my word. He doesn't understand why a strictly indoor cat needs claws. He says a veterinarian would never perfrom such a procedure if it was detrimental to their health or cruel to the cat. Then he tells me that I should see a counselor because I'm putting cats before humans. Says I'm not willing to budge on changing the situation with the cats so that we stop arguing--instead I'm going to let the ship sink and go down with it. He says it hurts his feelings that I put inferior animals before our relationship. I try to defend myself saying that I'm not putting them before us I'm putting ME and MY comfort level before us b/c I have to live with the decisions that I make. He says "oh so you'd be able to live with yourself if we broke up over this, but you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you change a couple things with the cats." This is where he gets me! I would feel bad if we broke up over it, but at the same time he isn't being respectful of me and my cats.
So yes, I have an appointment with a counselor next week. Hopefully he will talk to her as well.
So now he has you going to counselling because you put "inferior animals" before him? Wow, he is quite the manipulator isn't he? You don't owe him any explanations hun. I hope you realize it's going to start with the cats and then it will be something else. His feelings are always going to be more important than your's. If that's the way you want to live there is nothing any of us can say to you. Hopefully your counsellor will get you to see what a manipulative jerk he is. Best of luck to you!
It's definitley not the way I want to live, I see his manipulation and I am backing away...I really am going to see the counselor b/c for one it's free and two I know she is going to back me up so then I can tell him : See, I'm not crazy, YOU are the one that has a demented view of things not ME. I just want to prove him wrong. My word and opinion isn't good enough, so maybe a counselor's will be. Don't worry, I'll do the right thing!
Take your cats and LEAVE NOW. Do NOT tell him you are leaving, wait until he goes to work or goes for beer or drugs or whatever and dissaper. DO NOT contact him after you leave. Go to a shelter if you have to, and leave the cats with a relative or a shelter. I love cat's but they are secondary to human life. Preferably go to another state FAR FAR AWAY. This "man" has an abusive personality. Sooner or later he will start abusing YOU if he hasn't already. Your cats are in danger. You are in danger. I would say get a restraining order, but the cops can only arrest him AFTER he has hurt someone. If you stay with him he will torture you cats and likely kill them. You and any children you have are likely to be next. Leave as soon as you can do so without him seeing you.
Perhaps I've been in the monkey house too long - you know, when you first walk in you're overwhelmed with the smell but then you get used to it. Is my situation really that bad??
In my opinion (whatever that's worth) yes. Anyone who tortures animals is a major problem waiting to happen, it's only a matter of time. All people who torture animals do not become serial killers, BUT almost all serial killers start out torturing animals. Please leave at the first opportunity, I do not believe you will be safe there.
Mannie, I've been in a couple of bad relationships, and, no, you don't know how bad it is when you are in there. Then, you get out, take a deep breath, shake off that little voice that keeps telling you he's good, and wonder how you ever put up with being there.
Someone who is physically violent toward animals for no reason is dangerous.
He's not a cartoon villain, he may even think he's doing what's best, but nothing about this is ok. And, yes, I do think that you might be in danger, especially when you try to leave. Make a plan, then carry it out. Do not be alone with him once he knows.
It was bad enough for you to post about, right? Not once, but twice! Obviously it bothers you. You know, I've found that with most of the people who post here, they are looking for a very specific answer and don't always find it! I think maybe you want people to tell you your boyfriend isn't all that bad, maybe you are the one with the problem and you should compromise and work out your issues. Well, he is not just asking for "a couple of changes" with regard to the cats. He is asking you to subject one to a deforming, painful surgery and the other to the outside elements when he has been an indoor pet all his life. Those are not "a couple of changes"! They are major, life altering changes for your pets and for you. How about you ask him to stop bugging your cats, stop harassing you about choosing "inferior" animals over him (right now I'm debating who is the "inferior" species here!) and have some consideration for your feelings instead of dismissing them and trying to convince you that you are in need of therapy! Actually, I agree on the threapy but not for the reasons your boyfriend gives. I think you may need to learn some assertiveness skills so you can stop constantly giving in to your boyfriend to appease him and trying to keep the relationship together at the expense of your emotional well-being and the physical well being of your pets. You don't need a therapist to tell your boyfriend that for you, you need to stand up for yourself and your pets and insist on being treated like an intelligient human being! You are obviously articulate, well spoken and seem educated. Don't let this boyfriend convince you that you're a ninny!
Perhaps I've been in the monkey house too long - you know, when you first walk in you're overwhelmed with the smell but then you get used to it. Is my situation really that bad??
Yes, it is. He has you thinking you are to blame for this. He has the ability to twist everything around to be the victim. He has such little respect for you it's disgusting. You are kidding yourself if you think that a counsellor's word is going to mean anything to him. He will make an excuse about that doctor being a quack or something. You need to stand up for yourself. Nobody else should be telling him he is wrong for how he treats you except for you.
I agree that counselling is good, but not for the reasons you and your boyfriend think. I think it will help you to see this situation for what it is. The cats really are only the tip of the iceburg. It starts with one thing and then snowballs from there. He is ridiculously controlling and manipulative. Once you are out of this situation you will see it. I never really saw my previous marriage for what it was until I was out. Hindsight is 20/20.
I think you know what you should do mannie. It is obvious, you just need to take that step.
How would you feel if you let one of your cats outside and it got hit by a car the first week? Would you ever be able to forgive your boyfriend - or yourself?
I still think it is so odd that a grown man feels in competition with cats. Cats are aloof to people they don't care for. If he left them alone, they would leave him alone. My mother has the meanest cat I have ever met. We call her psycho kitty! However, she loves my mom. But my stepdad doesn't get upset and tease the poor cat b/c she doesn't interact with him. He just leaves her alone.
Mannie, does your b/f have problems getting along with other people as well? Does he have friends? People who treat pets poorly normally have few friends b/c they have little compassion and treat everyone poorly. These people are dangerous. I know this by experience, my father used to beat our dogs when I was little, before my mom divorced him. He killed our dog when I was a child b/c he beat it to death. Not a surprise that my father has few friends and has a strained relationship with everyone in his family, including my brother and I. Just something to ponder.
