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Old 07-11-2008, 11:20 AM   #31
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

He entered the room, my boy cat who hates him freaked out and ran into the closet, scraping to get up onto the third shelf (which I've seen him do) and he must have torn a claw in doing this. They had no visible signs of injury, so I really do believe this is what happened. He said he shouldn't have gone in there, that was his mistake. I think I painted a really bad picture in my posting and it must have sounded worst than it was.

Anyway I told him I changed my mind, if anything I would consider getting an outdoor enclosure so my boy cat is safe from the dangers of outside but yet gets to enjoy the breeze, sun, etc. It's something that connects to the house so he can go in when he wants. He said No. He doesn't want an ugly cage in our nice backyard and if he lives in a cage, he might as well still be living in the house. Grr. So then I told him that I don't want to declaw the other anymore. I never wanted to in the first place, I just said yes to try and keep us together. He told me it's not fair to tell him I'm going to do something then go back on my word. He doesn't understand why a strictly indoor cat needs claws. He says a veterinarian would never perfrom such a procedure if it was detrimental to their health or cruel to the cat. Then he tells me that I should see a counselor because I'm putting cats before humans. Says I'm not willing to budge on changing the situation with the cats so that we stop arguing--instead I'm going to let the ship sink and go down with it. He says it hurts his feelings that I put inferior animals before our relationship. I try to defend myself saying that I'm not putting them before us I'm putting ME and MY comfort level before us b/c I have to live with the decisions that I make. He says "oh so you'd be able to live with yourself if we broke up over this, but you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you change a couple things with the cats." This is where he gets me! I would feel bad if we broke up over it, but at the same time he isn't being respectful of me and my cats.

So yes, I have an appointment with a counselor next week. Hopefully he will talk to her as well.

Last edited by mannie8; 07-11-2008 at 11:22 AM.

 
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Old 07-11-2008, 11:29 AM   #32
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

So now he has you going to counselling because you put "inferior animals" before him? Wow, he is quite the manipulator isn't he? You don't owe him any explanations hun. I hope you realize it's going to start with the cats and then it will be something else. His feelings are always going to be more important than your's. If that's the way you want to live there is nothing any of us can say to you. Hopefully your counsellor will get you to see what a manipulative jerk he is. Best of luck to you!

 
Old 07-11-2008, 11:40 AM   #33
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

It's definitley not the way I want to live, I see his manipulation and I am backing away...I really am going to see the counselor b/c for one it's free and two I know she is going to back me up so then I can tell him : See, I'm not crazy, YOU are the one that has a demented view of things not ME. I just want to prove him wrong. My word and opinion isn't good enough, so maybe a counselor's will be. Don't worry, I'll do the right thing!

 
Old 07-11-2008, 12:09 PM   #34
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

Take your cats and LEAVE NOW. Do NOT tell him you are leaving, wait until he goes to work or goes for beer or drugs or whatever and dissaper. DO NOT contact him after you leave. Go to a shelter if you have to, and leave the cats with a relative or a shelter. I love cat's but they are secondary to human life. Preferably go to another state FAR FAR AWAY. This "man" has an abusive personality. Sooner or later he will start abusing YOU if he hasn't already. Your cats are in danger. You are in danger. I would say get a restraining order, but the cops can only arrest him AFTER he has hurt someone. If you stay with him he will torture you cats and likely kill them. You and any children you have are likely to be next. Leave as soon as you can do so without him seeing you.

 
Old 07-11-2008, 12:26 PM   #35
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

Perhaps I've been in the monkey house too long - you know, when you first walk in you're overwhelmed with the smell but then you get used to it. Is my situation really that bad??

 
Old 07-11-2008, 12:47 PM   #36
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

In my opinion (whatever that's worth) yes. Anyone who tortures animals is a major problem waiting to happen, it's only a matter of time. All people who torture animals do not become serial killers, BUT almost all serial killers start out torturing animals. Please leave at the first opportunity, I do not believe you will be safe there.

 
Old 07-11-2008, 12:58 PM   #37
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

Mannie, I've been in a couple of bad relationships, and, no, you don't know how bad it is when you are in there. Then, you get out, take a deep breath, shake off that little voice that keeps telling you he's good, and wonder how you ever put up with being there.

Someone who is physically violent toward animals for no reason is dangerous.

He's not a cartoon villain, he may even think he's doing what's best, but nothing about this is ok. And, yes, I do think that you might be in danger, especially when you try to leave. Make a plan, then carry it out. Do not be alone with him once he knows.

 
Old 07-11-2008, 01:18 PM   #38
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

It was bad enough for you to post about, right? Not once, but twice! Obviously it bothers you. You know, I've found that with most of the people who post here, they are looking for a very specific answer and don't always find it! I think maybe you want people to tell you your boyfriend isn't all that bad, maybe you are the one with the problem and you should compromise and work out your issues. Well, he is not just asking for "a couple of changes" with regard to the cats. He is asking you to subject one to a deforming, painful surgery and the other to the outside elements when he has been an indoor pet all his life. Those are not "a couple of changes"! They are major, life altering changes for your pets and for you. How about you ask him to stop bugging your cats, stop harassing you about choosing "inferior" animals over him (right now I'm debating who is the "inferior" species here!) and have some consideration for your feelings instead of dismissing them and trying to convince you that you are in need of therapy! Actually, I agree on the threapy but not for the reasons your boyfriend gives. I think you may need to learn some assertiveness skills so you can stop constantly giving in to your boyfriend to appease him and trying to keep the relationship together at the expense of your emotional well-being and the physical well being of your pets. You don't need a therapist to tell your boyfriend that for you, you need to stand up for yourself and your pets and insist on being treated like an intelligient human being! You are obviously articulate, well spoken and seem educated. Don't let this boyfriend convince you that you're a ninny!

 
Old 07-11-2008, 03:19 PM   #39
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mannie8 View Post
Perhaps I've been in the monkey house too long - you know, when you first walk in you're overwhelmed with the smell but then you get used to it. Is my situation really that bad??
Yes, it is. He has you thinking you are to blame for this. He has the ability to twist everything around to be the victim. He has such little respect for you it's disgusting. You are kidding yourself if you think that a counsellor's word is going to mean anything to him. He will make an excuse about that doctor being a quack or something. You need to stand up for yourself. Nobody else should be telling him he is wrong for how he treats you except for you.

I agree that counselling is good, but not for the reasons you and your boyfriend think. I think it will help you to see this situation for what it is. The cats really are only the tip of the iceburg. It starts with one thing and then snowballs from there. He is ridiculously controlling and manipulative. Once you are out of this situation you will see it. I never really saw my previous marriage for what it was until I was out. Hindsight is 20/20.

 
Old 07-11-2008, 04:50 PM   #40
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

I think you know what you should do mannie. It is obvious, you just need to take that step.

How would you feel if you let one of your cats outside and it got hit by a car the first week? Would you ever be able to forgive your boyfriend - or yourself?

I still think it is so odd that a grown man feels in competition with cats. Cats are aloof to people they don't care for. If he left them alone, they would leave him alone. My mother has the meanest cat I have ever met. We call her psycho kitty! However, she loves my mom. But my stepdad doesn't get upset and tease the poor cat b/c she doesn't interact with him. He just leaves her alone.

Mannie, does your b/f have problems getting along with other people as well? Does he have friends? People who treat pets poorly normally have few friends b/c they have little compassion and treat everyone poorly. These people are dangerous. I know this by experience, my father used to beat our dogs when I was little, before my mom divorced him. He killed our dog when I was a child b/c he beat it to death. Not a surprise that my father has few friends and has a strained relationship with everyone in his family, including my brother and I. Just something to ponder.

 
Old 07-12-2008, 10:37 PM   #41
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

I have a feeling that no matter what anyone says on here you're going to do what he wants and what will keep your relationship going, but I'm going to try and change your mind.

Your cats are innocent. They deserve to have a happy life without stress given by a clueless cruel individual. They do not respond well to changes in their environment which are unnecessary. Let them live peacefully by removing the jerk from your life.

I think you are worried you will be sad/empty without him. I am very familiar with that emotion. I understand the complicated **** that some guys can keep you in and have a great time with. It's not fair. You have to remember that you are the only one who can take care of yourself properly. You know what you need and how to make yourself happy. You will be happier when you are free from this guy. You are in charge of the cats and it is up to you to take care of them adequately as well. If you cannot stick up for yourself at least take care of them. Do not mention them when you are breaking up with him. Don't give him any information. Just do it. It will be difficult but it is so worth it to take care of yourself. You know what, if you do it reward yourself somehow. Go shopping and get yourself a gift. Don't answer the phone if he calls. I know this is hard. Believe me I do. But I hate it when women put up with crap they don't deserve in the least.

Please do the right thing. Tell this guy to hit the high road. Spoil the kitties. They'll love you and reward you for it for a long time.

 
Old 07-12-2008, 11:00 PM   #42
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

I agree that you shouldn't tell him you're breaking up due to the cats. Just tell him that you know things haven't been going well between you two for a very long time and that you're just done with trying. Sorry Charlie but we gave it a go and it didn't work, so that's all there is to it. And be prepared for him to scream and yell and carry on like the big baby that he is, but you need to stand your ground. For yourself and for your cats!

{Removed- Do not be judgmental and rude in your posts}

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 07-15-2008 at 07:01 AM.

 
Old 07-13-2008, 08:31 AM   #43
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Re: He can't deal with my cats...

I hope that you realize that the problem here isn't the cats. It's not even really about the cats. It's about your boyfriend. He is the problem. He's made the issue all about "him or the cats" where you have to justify having cats, etc. I'm not quite sure how he managed to manipulate you into thinking that the issue was your relationship with your cats. Again, the problem is your relationship with HIM. The problem is his behaviour toward you, toward the cats and his lies and ultimatums. He is a manipulative jerk and a bully (to you). And I think it's pretty obvious that he's done something to your cats when you're not around. And then lies about even going into the room -- only he doesn't call it lying. He calls it "you'll just get mad" - i.e. it's your fault somehow. So he's really not all that nice to anyone he lives with - you or the cats. He's actually a bit of a tyrant and somewhat scary. Just pretend for a moment that you got rid of the cats - do you honestly believe that your relationship would be amazing then? Or would you still have the same mean, manipulative bully but minus the cats?? Your boyfriend is what he is. No point in thinking that he'll become someone else if there are no cats in the house. I think you really have to think about whether, based on his behaviour in this situation, he is really the type of person you want to be with. The cats are not responsible for his behaviour, he is. And we all know clear as day that his behaviour is disgusting - toward you as much as toward the cats.

 
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