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Old 07-16-2008, 02:55 PM   #1
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Guy Friend who wants to be more

Hello all,

I have a problem with a male friend of mine. He moved here from halfway across the country about 10 years ago. I met him when he got a job at the same place I was working. He tells everyone that I was his first friend in this state. He is a very dear friend to me and is just the sweetest, nicest guy ever. He went through a horrible divorce about 3 years ago (his wife basically ran off with his best friend) and he would call me and talk for hours while I tried my best to be a good friend and be supportive. He told me I truly did help him through it.

The problem I'm having is this...I am also divorced and ever since his divorce, he has told me on several occasions that he and I should just forget about dating anyone else and we should just get together. Now, while he definitely is nice, sweet, a great father to his 2 kids, a wonderful friend, has a good job, etc., I am just not attracted to him that way at all. I wish I knew why, but I just am not. So I told him in what I thought was a gentle, loving way, that I thought of him as a brother and while I cared about him a great deal as a friend, I just wasn't going to want to be romantically involved with him. One night I was out with a group of friends and he was there and he said it again in front of some of our friends. So again, I quietly explained that I thought of him as a brother. A friend of ours (a guy) said "man, that's harsh...ouch!". I thought I was being polite & gentle, but I guess it didn't come out that way. I didn't try or mean to hurt him but I wasn't going to give him false hope either.

He has asked me to come over and watch tv with him and his kids, and to just hang out & have a few beers, or to watch football or whatever. I did a couple of times, but each time he'd offer me a backrub or footrub, or tell me that I didn't have to leave and I could stay over on the couch (he's too much of a gentleman to try anything funny, I know that for a fact). Or he'd bring up us dating again. So I have not been wanting to spend time with him as a friend much lately because I don't want to lead him on or make him think I want to date him when I don't. But he is a good, dear friend and I want to spend time with him, but how can I do that without making him think I want to date him? If I don't call him or go visit him he tells our other friends that he thinks I'm mad at him. But if I call him, he always invites me over...this is a terrible circle and I don't know what to do! Should I stay away and give up on having him as a friend? I've already explained a few times that I want to stay just friends but he doesn't seem to stop trying.

Please help, I really don't want to lose this good friend!

 
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Old 07-16-2008, 07:00 PM   #2
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

I don't have any advice but I can empathize. I am have been friends with this guy for 7 years. in fact, his wife was one of my best friends. they got divorced three years ago, and the wife and I lost touch but he and I see each other or talk on the phone every 5 months or so. The problem is - he hit on me once while he was married - but nothing so extreme that he couldn't deny it if I confronted him or her. Since the divorce, every time we see each other we usually end up at my place because I live downtown, or he comes over to fix things (still only twice a year). well the last few times, he's hit on me each time. - he'll come over super late ( i think on purpose so we have to hang out late and get 'sleepy' and therefore easy for him to crash) and he will get really drunk or high.

for instance - the second to last time he came over, i told him he had to leave at ten. so 20 minutes before ten, he decides to smoke 2 joints to himself (I rarely if ever smoke), and then at ten says he thinks he needs to crash. but i kicked him out. 1. i don't feel comfortable b/c his ex-wife and i were good friends 2. I am not attracted to him (same thing though, great dad, really good job, really nice). I was super awkward after that with him for months because I realized he liked me more than friends. I thought that went away when he picked up i ws awkward.
This past time, he came over three hrs late, it was already 11 and I this time had too much to drink so i let him crash - he decided to get hammered, smoke weed again and was too gone to leave - and hit on me in the meantime.

this is really making me angry now and I am starting to dread seeing him and am not returning his calls and am so mad that he is jepordizing our friendship for being too stupid to realize i don't want him. I assume you are feeling the same way. It sucks that you don't like him, but he is not being respectful to you by bringing a topic that you had firmly discussed with him already, and he is living in some sort of wierd fantasy la-la land world.

let me know what you do, I am at a loss too.

 
Old 07-16-2008, 07:30 PM   #3
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

He's not being a jerk about it, he does NOT hit on me, and he's not delusional, he's the sweetest guy ever. He just says that he would really like it if we could get together and just forget about all the jerks & losers we've dated in the past. He would like to be good to me and have a relationship with some one who would treat him right.

Well that's just never going to be me, but I do value him as a friend. But do I have to stop spending time with him because it would be too mean, even though I've explained to him that I want to stay just friends?

Last edited by Redneon82; 07-16-2008 at 07:31 PM.

 
Old 07-16-2008, 08:21 PM   #4
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

I guess I don't see this guy as being all that nice when he keeps telling your friends behind your back and in front of you that you are trying to avoid him without telling them the whole truth. So yes I think the friend ship has sailed and he is starting to pull out all the stops in his quest to own/have you. I don't see how you can do anything but to stop being so available to him and in fact you really need to just stop hanging out with him and tell him why and tell your friends why so everyone is on the same page. He really isn't all that nice and is kind of rude...but then you see through the offers of back rubs and foot rubs or whatever he wants to do so you are also part of it too. Sorry but he is getting to be just a bit too forward and time to cut him loose.

 
Old 07-16-2008, 08:58 PM   #5
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

I apologize, I've obviously given out the wrong impression about my friend. He's not rude, trying to own me, or saying bad things about me to our friends. He's a sincere, nice guy who treats me with respect. The only thing he's doing is wanting the two of us have a relationship because we've both been burned in the past. He wouldn't burn me and I think he feels I wouldn't burn him either. I'm not making myself "available" to him, I have accepted a couple of invitations to watch football or a movie and that's it. I slowed down contact with him because I didn't want to lead him on although I value him as a friend. Again, I apoligize because I did not mean to say that he was behaving inappropriately or being rude. I was simply trying to find out opinions on whether I should try to maintain a friendship or if it would be better to end all contact. Thanks.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 05:22 AM   #6
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

Redneon, I don't think you necessarily need to end the friendship. But i do think that you need to have a serious sit-down talk with him and tell him again how you feel. Just be honest. Tell him that you really value his friendship and it means a lot to you, but that you're feeling very uncomfortable with his constant requests to go out with him. And that it's impairing your wanting to spend any time with him. Although you may have told him before that you don't want to date him, I don't think he fully understands that it's impacting you wanting to hang out with him as a result. And that's why he needs to know.

I been on both sides of this equation myself, in the past, so I know how it works. But the bottom line is that he needs to know that when he brings up dating with you, it makes you uncomfortable and as a result makes you not want to hang out with him at all. Because hopefully, if he realizes that he is jeopardizing the friendship, he'll back off the dating stuff. I always did whenever a guy friend made it clear he didn't want to date me but wanted to be friends. Because in my mind, I just wanted him in my life as something, and if all he was willing to give me was friendship, I was willing to settle for that than to not have him in my life at all. So, if you must, tell this guy that you want to stay friends with him but he's making it difficult for you to do that because of his behavior.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 06:45 AM   #7
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

oh redneon I hate when that happens! I so wish you were attracted to him, and I bet you wish you were too. I've felt that way about someone, they were so nice, etc, but just didn't feel the spark, and I've wanted to feel it, but it just wasn't there. I definately don't think you should end the friendship. He sounds like a wonderful, wonderful guy.......I actually feel sorry for him because he sounds like he deserves a great girl like you, and he sounds like he would appreciate you and treat you like a queen.......poor fellow....don't you wish you could spray "love dust" on you and fall head over heels for him? But fantasies aside.....you need to talk to him again and tell him how uncomfortable you're feeling about not having the same feelings as him, while stressing how important of a friend he is and how you want to continue to have him in your life AS A FRIEND. Real true friends are few and far between, and I wouldn't let one go if you don't have to.
Good luck

 
Old 07-17-2008, 01:54 PM   #8
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

Hi Rose...

I think you are both right. This guy means too much to me as a friend to just toss him away without any explanation. We have mutual friends who we both like to spend time with and I would hate to think I'd have to avoid them when he's there too.

I'll talk to him again and let him know that I feel funny hanging around with him because I don't want to lead him on. I'm willing to bet he'll apologize for making me feel weird and, I hope, will accept that it just isn't going to happen with us.

Rose, you're right, I wish I felt that way because he does treat women well and respect them and would happily give me the world, but I can't force it. He deserves someone who will adore him for life and be thankful she has him, and who is attracted to him and no other. I may make poor choices in men many times, which makes the idea of just finding a decent man regardless of how I feel about him appealing, but I have to love him and be attracted to him.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 02:01 PM   #9
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

yes you do have to love him and be attracted to him......
can you tell him that you like him so much that he's like family? like a brother?
I don't know if that would make him feel better or worse.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 02:05 PM   #10
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
yes you do have to love him and be attracted to him......
can you tell him that you like him so much that he's like family? like a brother?
I don't know if that would make him feel better or worse.
I did tell him he was a brother to me and that's when his friend said "man, that's harsh!". He made it sound like I'd said something horribly mean and insensitive. I meant that he was more than just a friend, he was family. But I suppose they took it to mean that being with him would be like kissing your brother...

I will talk to him soon, I'd hate for him to think that I'm staying away from him because I just don't want to be his friend, but I have to be VERY clear that I won't hang with him alone at his house. But getting together with a group of friends (and driving ourselves so no sticky end of night awkward moments) would be fun.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 02:08 PM   #11
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

that's right....I remember that, I just didn't read the beginning of the thread today.....so I forgot you said that.
I don't think it's harsh, but guys think differently than we do anyway....
sounds like a good plan, good luck!

 
Old 07-17-2008, 03:27 PM   #12
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

Thanks Rose and all other responders. I really like the common sense responses and advice I get on here.

I'll talk to him soon. Thanks again!

 
Old 07-17-2008, 06:46 PM   #13
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

I really can't offer any better advice than was already given, but I have a question. What do you think makes you not attracted to him? Is it because he has been a close friend for a long period of time? Or is it physical? Just curious if you wouldn't mind answering.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 07:03 PM   #14
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryAgain121 View Post
I really can't offer any better advice than was already given, but I have a question. What do you think makes you not attracted to him? Is it because he has been a close friend for a long period of time? Or is it physical? Just curious if you wouldn't mind answering.
Well if I knew the answer to that I could bottle it and sell it LOL. I can't say why it is, I just don't have those feelings for him. It sure would be easier if we could have those feelings for any good, decent person who has them for us, but it just doesn't happen. He isn't UNattractive, he just isn't attractive to me. He's been doing the online dating thing and having success with it as far as getting dates, so he's certainly attractive to many ladies.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 07:09 PM   #15
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Re: Guy Friend who wants to be more

I have been reading this post for the past couple of days and just decided to respond to you.

I have been in a similar situation with a friend I had for nearly 13 years. I too was not attracted to him, and felt he was more like family than anything. We would talk about everything under the sun, he was one of the closest friends I had.

Unfortunately, he wanted to take things further and I didn't. I understand the difficulty associated with platonic friendships between male/female. I began to feel uncomfortable with the situation and would only see him with other people.

Long story short he felt rejected and could not let it go. So a 13 year friendship went down the tubes because of our differing feelings.

My advice to you is please talk to your friend again. If he is the respectful good guy you say he is, he will understand. Maybe for a bit only see him when you are with mutual friends, and no going to his house alone (you're are right it may make him think you feel differently).

True friends are hard to find and I think you have definitely found one. Sometimes it is hard to make the distinction between just friends or more between male/female. I wish you luck and hope you are able to hold on to this friendship...I am sure he fulfills you in the way you need...as you do him. Good luck with your talk.

Angela

 
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