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Old 07-24-2008, 05:06 PM   #1
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Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

First off, sorry for posting so much, but I still feel very unsettled.

I read something somewhere that said if you are very insecure about your looks odds are you aren't attractive. Does anyone believe that to be true? It's something that has been bothering me a lot recently. And really, at this point, no one isn't going to persuade me into thinking looks don't matter, because they do. Either the person you are with will eventually leave you, or your own insecurities will eat away at you.

So, how do you find out if you have "it" or not? Without being an inquisitive jack*** I mean.

 
Old 07-24-2008, 05:29 PM   #2
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

You said it yourself, if you're that insecure about how you look, nothing anyone can say is going to change your mind. But there are plenty of great looking insecure people who think they're ugly (and plenty of unattractive secure people who think they look great). Being insecure about how you look doesn't mean you're ugly, it just means you have low self-esteem. Because ultimately it's about how you feel about yourself. Which I know, is the classic after-school special type of answer that you don't believe, but it's true. I spent several years being depressed and hating myself, and being so worried about how I looked and what people were thinking about me. It's not a very great way to live. Have you ever thought about seeking therapy?

 
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:24 PM   #3
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Attraction is entirely subjective. Sure there are some conventional ideas on beauty but it all comes down to taste. I know women who say, "oh, that guy is so hot" and I don't find them remotely attractive. And they cannot understand why I'm attracted to certain guys.

The "it" factor should be built on your internal self. People who have that toxic voice inside their head telling them that they are not attractive are going to project that to others. I have learned over the years that my insecurity about my looks adversely affected some of my relationships.

I'd suggest learning to love yourself for who you are and concentrate on doing positive things for yourself. I've said on the board before, nothing is more attractive than someone that has some passion in their life. Self-esteem building should not just come from your exterior looks. You should find something that you are good at and build confidence from being good at something that you can be passionate about and share that with others.

 
Old 07-24-2008, 08:53 PM   #4
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Having good looks does not mean you can have anyone or that the love of your life will love you back. Look at Marilyn Monroe....! It also doesn't mean that someone will leave you because you are not attractive. That just isn't true. The insecurites you feel could very well put someone off, and after reading your post again.....hmmm maybe that is indeed what you were getting at....so please work on that. I am sure you are a very nice looking young man! Personality means a lot more to a girl than you guys seem to think. I had much rather have a fun loving happy homely guy than a drop dead good looking one who won't treat me well. Ask any woman, she will tell you the same.

Mileena

 
Old 07-25-2008, 05:41 AM   #5
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

You know what makes people insecure? Not being "ugly", but - focusing on their appearance. Models, actors, dancers and other people in the public eye tend to be the most insecure, those whose livelihood depends on their looks.

As long as you take care of your body - exercise, eat relatively healthily, and shower and brush your teeth, that is really all you need. There are MANY more important things to focus on in life - being a good person, helping others, advancing your career, finding what in life makes you happy and satisfied.

Seriously, nothing is more UNattractive than a guy who frets over his appearance. I used to be involved with a lot of musicians, and my word - men concerned with their sunglasses matching their shoes? It was horrifying.

Just like we as humans can choose to be happy any place and any time, we can also choose to have confidence. Give it some practice!
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Old 07-25-2008, 06:25 AM   #6
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryAgain121 View Post
Either the person you are with will eventually leave you, or your own insecurities will eat away at you.
If you honestly believe this, might I suggest you seek counseling! That's a totally messed up way of looking at relationships! Have you LOOKED AT PEOPLE around you? I hate to tell ya but there are a lot of unattractive people perfectly happy to stay together "till death do us part!"

And NO, people that are obsessed with their looks usually are the most attractive people not the ugly people!!!! That's what I've observed.
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Old 07-25-2008, 02:34 PM   #7
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
You know what makes people insecure? Not being "ugly", but - focusing on their appearance. Models, actors, dancers and other people in the public eye tend to be the most insecure, those whose livelihood depends on their looks.

As long as you take care of your body - exercise, eat relatively healthily, and shower and brush your teeth, that is really all you need. There are MANY more important things to focus on in life - being a good person, helping others, advancing your career, finding what in life makes you happy and satisfied.

Seriously, nothing is more UNattractive than a guy who frets over his appearance. I used to be involved with a lot of musicians, and my word - men concerned with their sunglasses matching their shoes? It was horrifying.

Just like we as humans can choose to be happy any place and any time, we can also choose to have confidence. Give it some practice!

Believe me, I want confidence. I don't think it is that easy to attain it, though. Maybe someone who had a similiar experience could help me out here?

 
Old 07-26-2008, 03:49 AM   #8
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryAgain121 View Post
Believe me, I want confidence. I don't think it is that easy to attain it, though. Maybe someone who had a similiar experience could help me out here?
Hey Tryagain, I can relate to what you are saying. I don't really believe a person can just "choose" to be happy or to be confident, anymore than a person can "choose" to not be hungry if they haven't eaten in a week. You need food in order to not feel hungry, and you need support, acceptance and positive experiences to feel happy and confident. I'm in my 40s now and have only dated one man my whole life. As hard as I've tried, I can't get past a first date. Men just seem to take one look at me and run the other way. A friend of mine even planned a party (she's an events coordinator) and had a dating game type thing and I was one of the bachelorettes, and I got to pick one of three guys, and it was basically a guaranteed date, and even though I had worked as hard as I knew how on my communication skills, I had three people go over my questions and they all said they were funny and insightful, I had just lost 20 pounds and had revamped my wardrobe, and the guy still took one look at me and decided he couldn't stand to simply eat dinner sitting across a table from me and see a movie with me in the next seat, even though it was all free (the date was paid for as part of playing the game). Of course when you have experiences like this, you are NOT going to have confidence. It's simply impossible, because we don't all live in a dessert island all by ourselves, and no matter what we tell ourselves, what other people think and how other people treat us matters. We can separate out the jerks from the nice people and focus on the support and the positiveness of the nice people and tune out the jerks, but if you think you're all that and NO ONE agrees with you, it's kind of pointless, isn't it?

This is a long winded way to say, I never thought if myself as unattractive. In fact, I look in the mirror and see a rather nice looking lady, but I must be wrong, because I wouldn't be such an unbelievable man repeller if I were attractive, even if I were just totally stark, raving mad, I would still get at least a second date if I were pretty. I just work on not focusing on that and making other things in my life important. I get confidence out of doing things I'm good at, by challenging myself and sometimes falling on my face but knowing I tried, and by also succeeding and getting better at things I already do well, and by being the best friend, sister, daughter, employee I know how to be and accepting what I can and can't change in this world, and being grateful for what God, the fates or whatever, DO choose to give me.

 
Old 07-26-2008, 07:08 AM   #9
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Hey Tryagain, I can relate to what you are saying. I don't really believe a person can just "choose" to be happy or to be confident, anymore than a person can "choose" to not be hungry if they haven't eaten in a week. You need food in order to not feel hungry, and you need support, acceptance and positive experiences to feel happy and confident. I'm in my 40s now and have only dated one man my whole life. As hard as I've tried, I can't get past a first date. Men just seem to take one look at me and run the other way. A friend of mine even planned a party (she's an events coordinator) and had a dating game type thing and I was one of the bachelorettes, and I got to pick one of three guys, and it was basically a guaranteed date, and even though I had worked as hard as I knew how on my communication skills, I had three people go over my questions and they all said they were funny and insightful, I had just lost 20 pounds and had revamped my wardrobe, and the guy still took one look at me and decided he couldn't stand to simply eat dinner sitting across a table from me and see a movie with me in the next seat, even though it was all free (the date was paid for as part of playing the game). Of course when you have experiences like this, you are NOT going to have confidence. It's simply impossible, because we don't all live in a dessert island all by ourselves, and no matter what we tell ourselves, what other people think and how other people treat us matters. We can separate out the jerks from the nice people and focus on the support and the positiveness of the nice people and tune out the jerks, but if you think you're all that and NO ONE agrees with you, it's kind of pointless, isn't it?

This is a long winded way to say, I never thought if myself as unattractive. In fact, I look in the mirror and see a rather nice looking lady, but I must be wrong, because I wouldn't be such an unbelievable man repeller if I were attractive, even if I were just totally stark, raving mad, I would still get at least a second date if I were pretty. I just work on not focusing on that and making other things in my life important. I get confidence out of doing things I'm good at, by challenging myself and sometimes falling on my face but knowing I tried, and by also succeeding and getting better at things I already do well, and by being the best friend, sister, daughter, employee I know how to be and accepting what I can and can't change in this world, and being grateful for what God, the fates or whatever, DO choose to give me.
That was a terrible situation, Larrylou. I don't know what to tell you, except that I've heard of very attractive women acting in such a way "icy" or whatever that it puts off men. I think lack of confidence can effect also how others percieve your outward appearance, despite the attraction factor.

For me, my situation is a little unusual. I had alot of bad childhood experiences, then I was homeschooled for many years before returning to highschool. At that point, yes, I had offers, but I just assumed I was too boring or whatever to hold their interest. Add that to the fact that I was extremely nervous and well...you can probably guess the rest.

 
Old 07-26-2008, 07:17 AM   #10
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryAgain121 View Post
That was a terrible situation, Larrylou. I don't know what to tell you, except that I've heard of very attractive women acting in such a way "icy" or whatever that it puts off men. I think lack of confidence can effect also how others percieve your outward appearance, despite the attraction factor.

For me, my situation is a little unusual. I had alot of bad childhood experiences, then I was homeschooled for many years before returning to highschool. At that point, yes, I had offers, but I just assumed I was too boring or whatever to hold their interest. Add that to the fact that I was extremely nervous and well...you can probably guess the rest.
No, trust me, I'm cute in my own way, but I'm not Cindy Crawford, and "icy" is not a word that would ever EVER be used to describe me. I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, I'm a bit reserved at first, but no, nothing that would naturally put anyone off. I've simply come to the conclusion that there's something innate about me that I have no power to change that just turns men off. It's in my cards to never know love and to be alone. I've accepted it and I do my best to make the best of it.

I don't think your situation is all that unusual, though, Tryagain, and your situation is much more controllable. You had offers. Women didn't run screaming from you. YOU HAD OFFERS. But YOU ASSUMED you were too boring, etc. YOU made the choice to take yourself out of the running before you were even out of the gate. It was in your control to either take the risk and make the best of it, and at worst, fall flat but learn something, and you CHOSE to sit on the sidelines. It was within your control, and all your choice.

The nervousness is another factor. I get nervous when meeting new people, too. The only thing you can do is practice. Put yourself out there and meet as many new people as often as you can. The more often you do something, the easier it will be, the more comfortable you will be at it, and the less nervous you will be.

 
Old 07-26-2008, 11:16 AM   #11
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Well, Larrylou, there are other reasons than looks that make a person reject someone else I just want to say. Didn't you say you went on quite a few first dates? I mean if a guy doesn't like a particular girl initially, for the most part he wouldn't go on that first date (well, unless it was a blind date). I'm just giving my perception.

But, anyway, I am trying to get out more now even though it is very difficult for me. As for me having offers, the "blatant" ones are awhile back. Now, I just think there is something wrong with me looks wise, as if something has changed in those few short years. I'm bascically the same weight now as I was then, so...I don't know. I wish I knew what changed.

Last edited by moderator2; 08-08-2008 at 05:22 AM. Reason: unnecessary quote

 
Old 07-26-2008, 05:33 PM   #12
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Try Again, I think that others have given you great input here but it is your self-perception, this is what changes. You have to value and love yourself. It is all about the way you present yourself.

I know many people who are less than average in terms of looks but have been blessed loving and devoted partners who think the world of them. I have always been told that I am pretty, etc etc but I feel so incredibly insecure at times....

You do the best for your well-being and health, and not to satisfy others. Go to the gym if it helps you feel healthier, more energetic, more confident etc... After all, a woman who judges you solely on looks is not worth your time.

I am not trying to say that looks don't matter, don't get me wrong, but I truly believe that the personality comes first, best of luck mate x

 
Old 07-26-2008, 07:31 PM   #13
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Just to set the record straight, I'm not overweight. Anyway, if I found out I actually was less than average I would probably end it. Some people could overcome that, I'm not one of them.

Last edited by moderator2; 08-08-2008 at 05:22 AM. Reason: unnecessary quote

 
Old 07-26-2008, 08:28 PM   #14
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Well to the part saying that if you are insecure about your looks, that means you're unattractive, thats a no. It really increases the chance of you being insecure, but there are plenty of attractive people who are truly insecure about their looks.

As for the other part of the question, im in that position. Im hideous, my girlfriend is gorgeous. It causes a ton of arguments, a ton of insecurities, and its really rough. I cant tell you what happens yet, but from my experience, it creates some roughness.

 
Old 07-27-2008, 09:06 AM   #15
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Re: Insecurities based on looks, does that mean they are valid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryAgain121 View Post
But, anyway, I am trying to get out more now even though it is very difficult for me. As for me having offers, the "blatant" ones are awhile back. Now, I just think there is something wrong with me looks wise, as if something has changed in those few short years. I'm bascically the same weight now as I was then, so...I don't know. I wish I knew what changed.
Well, unless youw ere in some horribly disfiguring accident or you were attacked by that flesh eating virus, then I'd say what has changed is 1) your potential dating partners have gotten older and have gotten more guile. Older women tend to not throw themselves at men so "blatently." They want the man to show interest first. Few things are sexier to a woman than feeling desired and wanted, and 2) you have lost your confidence over the last few years of being alone. It can happen pretty easily. But fewer things will turn a woman off faster than a man too shy and insecure and unsure of himself to make a move and pursue in a assertive, yet respectful, thoughtful way.

You've internalized to such a huge degree, not sure why, but you've internalized many things that just have nothing to do with reality as far as I can see. I mean, it doesn't sound like you've had any really bad experiences with girls and women, like a whole group of girls making fun of you or being dumped in a cruel, unceremonious manner. Do YOU know why you've internalized such doubts and insecurities? I'd say that would be your first step. Try to figure out where it all started and where it came from, how much of it is rooted in reality and how much is just in your head, then form a plan to change what you can change and accept and make the best of what you can't change, and there's no shame in getting help in doing that for yourself.

 
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