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Old 08-01-2008, 09:10 PM   #1
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Strange relationship with my dad.

I have been debating about posting this thread for honestly a good few years now, its just bothering me. I love my dad to death, one of the two people (the other being my mom) on this planet that i know love me for me and will always be there for me. I just have this strange relationship with him.

We came from another country with next to nothing, and now we are living an amazing life. This is all thanks to his hard work and effort. He is very money and business oriented. A lot of that wore off on me, which is a good thing, i am very careful with my money and my investments.

Only problem is that over the past years, the only thing i ever hear from my dad is lectures and money. I try to bond, bring up something else, like a movie that i saw, a game that i played, something that happened on the road today, or something. It never gets far, until shortly after it turns into "Did you remember to fix your financial aid at the school", or "Are you sure the phone bill is going to stay at a normal price this month", or something along those lines. Our conversations never get far because of this. Even after everything has been said, he'll ask over and over, sometimes 3+ times a day of the same question. I know he is looking out for me, and i appreciate it, but to me, money and business is very important, but i also want to have fun, and just have a fun time.

I basically nagged him and my mom to go out with me this Sunday to go see a movie at the theater (we do this like 2 times a year). I had to ask every day for two weeks straight to get them to agree, and i just really enjoy that kind of time we spend. Other than that, every weekday they come home from work, do nothing (understandable), and go to sleep. Weekends, they just sit around outside during the day, or work on some landscaping project, and then watch TV all night.

I am over exaggerating it, we do have casual conversations sometimes. But i definitely hear more financial lessons, lectures, or nagging about something money/school related far more than anything else. He was always really controlling, so i live a bit of a sheltered life because of all this.

I love him, and i've tried to change things around, like forcing him to go to a movie. Nagging him into playing a game with me, nagging him into watching a movie with me. It just doesnt feel right, i dont know what to do.

Does anyone have any input on the subject?

 
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Old 08-02-2008, 06:41 AM   #2
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

Have you actually said this to him? Even if you had, I feel that you wouldn't get far. I think he is showing his love and interest in the only way he knows how, for whatever reason this is so. I can imagine his hard early years have made him very proud of what he has accomplished and this is his ultimate gift to you (in his own mind). He is happy the way he is by the sound of it, so I don't think you will change him to any degree. Sera

 
Old 08-02-2008, 07:05 AM   #3
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

Yeah i have told him "Lets talk about something fun", or everytime he brings up something business or money related i just change the subject to something else. I told him that i agree its important to be financially responsible, but there is more than just that.

 
Old 08-02-2008, 10:49 AM   #4
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

Dont worry, your Dad is stuck in Hard Work mode.

Talking about lesiure and relaxing is somethiing that he can not relate to probably, esp. after so many years of taking care of his responsibilities of family.

Instead of talking about movies, sports of vacations....talk about something that her might view as constructive like making money or generally making it.

 
Old 08-02-2008, 02:41 PM   #5
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

But its hard to even talk to him about that, because i dont have much to say about it. Its hard for me to talk about money in general because for one, i dont make much, and two, i dont have a whole lot to say about it. Even if i bring up something related to money, it'll turn into a lecture on why i need to be responsible, how staying on top of your finances is really important, or just some other life lecture. I know he is just looking out for me, but its just annoying.

For example, i was just downstairs talking to him, showing him pictures of the new Dodge Challenger i took on my cell phone, and he says "Oh thats pretty cool" and then he goes on about how since i am going out of town next week i need to drive responsibly and he doesnt want to help me pay for another speeding ticket. Its irresponsible to drive badly, etc etc. It always ends up like that.

He is very controlling, i mean, i am 20 years old, i live at home still, and i still ASK for permission to do things. I still hear "Dont stay up too late tonight" or "Dont be out too late tonight" all the time. Honestly, i feel the same as i did when i was young. I've talked to them about this too.

 
Old 08-02-2008, 03:16 PM   #6
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

I think your making too big of a deal about the whole situation.

Fact is, it seems like you too don't have a whole lot in common. Your 20 and he's well...older for one. Another is you two obviously have different priorities and purposes for life, which is normal. Poke around at different topics until you find one that interests him if you need to talk with him that much.

I have a son and I constantly bring up different topics to talk with him about...I really dont expect him to be interested at all in my true interests and thats ok with me...

 
Old 08-02-2008, 05:01 PM   #7
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

well, maybe he has a reason to say these things...could it be that he thinks you could have a better job/make more money/aren't working to your potential? If you have so little money, perhaps he has a point. Maybe it would ease their minds if they knew that you were making enough money to support yourself--if you can't pay for a speeding ticket, and you live with your parents, which means obviously you're not paying tons of money for living expenses--you must not make much at all. Maybe you could be doing something to bring in more money. Maybe they're not so much nagging, but constructively trying to offer their advice to you, which all parents do no matter how old their children are.

 
Old 08-02-2008, 05:33 PM   #8
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

For the most part every parent wants to see their children grow up to be better off than they were. I think the Dad is not seeing the son put forth as much effort as he did so he is concerned about his sons future.

I know with my son, it seems like I am speaking a different language when I talk about career, and financial success. I think the next generation is ok with living a level or two down than what they grew up in....I learned now to worry about his future and chill out on the success talk.

 
Old 08-02-2008, 05:49 PM   #9
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

I mentioned moving out and getting a better job, and they said im too young to move out just yet. I think its just a cultural difference, where i was born, people dont move out right when they turn 18, it happens when they're ready. Regardless, im 20 and im still a little boy.

And the reason i have such a crap job is because i focus all my attention on school, which they agree with. I bring home amazing grades, but i limit my work to like 2 days a week, tops. They agree with me that its a valid sacrifice.

 
Old 08-02-2008, 06:35 PM   #10
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Re: Strange relationship with my dad.

It is a valid sacrifice IF you are working toward a degree or learning a trade that will make you a comfortable living. I don't want to sound like I am taking your dads side, but I DO see where he is coming from.....I think he is worried that should something happen to he and your mom that you will end up as he once was...with nothing.

The only advice I can give that might help you is that if you no longer want them to treat you like a child, then you have to find a way to get out on your own, and keep yourself up. Pay your own bills, and go to school. It's a tough schedule, but people do it all the time. I can tell you that as long as you live at home, and your mom washes your dirty underwear, then you are still a child to her.

Mileena

 
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