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Old 08-02-2008, 10:47 PM   #1
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In love with my first true love...............he's married

My husband dumped me over the phone after a 7 year relationship, married for 3 and a half years. He was 11 years my junior and I supported him in his aspiration to become a commercial pilot - he ended up costing me over $35,000. He left me for some chick he flies with. I am also a pilot, though just for fun.

I now have a very, very special man in my life - I guy I knew 26 years ago..my first true love, you could say, at the tender age of 15. He's a few years older than me, but the chemistry we had is still very much there. He was a Phys Ed teacher (he was not MY teacher) and nothing physical ever happened between us. We both knew we had deep feelings and and an immense attraction for each other but I was 15 and he was 21. Nothing ever eventuated, due to our respective places in the community, not helped by us being in a pretty small country town. He truly was the most magnificent specimen of a male I had ever seen - a sentiment shared by every young woman in that town!!
He left town a few years later and I heard on the grapevine that he had married a librarian.

About 8 months ago, I looked him on up facebook, on a whim - and lo and behold, there he was!!! He had only joined facebook 3 weeks prior to me searching for him.

We arranged to meet and we spent that whole day on top of a cliff, overlooking the surf beach, talking about what we had achieved in that 26 year space. We emailed each other every few days and caught up together on that same cliff for every weekend for a month. I was beginning to develop strong feelings for him and it was becoming apparent that he felt the same. We finally became lovers.

He is married, but effectively in a loveless and sexless marriage (sleeping in separate beds) that died years ago, with a significant deterioration that began about a year before I came onto the scene. His wife's entire world revolves around him and she has no outside interests, no friends of her own, yet she does not shares any of his hobbies and takes no interest in any of his outside activities. He has encouraged her for years to get outside the house, make some friends of her own, and "get a life" that doesn't entirely revolve around him. He has done this is a loving, encouraging way, to no avail. He feels "suffocated" that he has to fulfill every one of her needs - and he has grown over the years to be very resentful of that.
Now, all she does is complain that he is never home. He works full time, still as a PE Teacher and he and his wife have worked together at the same school for 16 years. About 8 years ago, he took a part time job on the weekends - just so he could get away from her!

He has 3 daughters, youngest doing final year of High School and his biggest fear is not loosing his wife, but alienating the affection of his girls.

He has told me that he has only ever loved two women in his life - his wife and me. He has NEVER been unfaithful before and I know that to be true.
He has never lied to me and has always answered my questions about the marriage truthfully - she has been a good wife and a great mother, he is fond of her, but there is nothing they really share apart from the kids. As the girls grow up and move away, he feels that any "link" there is in the marriage (ie. the girls) will surely dissolve. He has "emotionally distanced" himself from her, a situation that, as I have said, has been going on for years. He knows that he is probably to blame for this situation, as he is a very independent person, and despite him trying to help his wife become a more self-confident, emotionally healthy, outgoing person with her own interests, it just didn't work. He realised many years ago, that no matter how many times he tried to do this, it fell on deaf ears and it's a situation that will never change. He just gave up, but not for a lack of trying to help her.

I have told him that IF he leaves, it should be because of HIM not being happy, and not for me. Where will this end? I have no idea - but we are perfect together, we laugh together, we strive to bring out the best in each other, we have fun, we have deep talks, we have so many common interests, we're competetive together, we challenge each other and we are deeply in love, not lust. This is no longer a school-girl crush. It's like - finally, he has found the person he should have been with all along - or perhaps a better way of saying this is that his emotional needs and wants ceased to be met years ago, due to his wife not realising that by basing her entire world around him, she actually drove him to be even more independent and that she still hasn't fully grasped the concept that her incredible "neediness", is a major reason that he felt so trapped and suffocated in their relationship. His wants and needs changed, he tried to get her to see that and work with her, so that she could understand and change and grow with him, to keep the marriage alive - but she couldn't or didn't want to - and thus, they have just slowly drifted apart.

I know like I am trying to "defend" his actions. I'm not - I am just trying to explain how this whole thing transpired.

I only get to see him on weekends, when he's working his part time job and for now, that's fine, as I am a very independent person also. I will never be the "needy" partner in this relationship and I have never been that way in any of my past relatonships.

The only thing holding him back is the love of his girls and the fear of losing their affection. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and wants to be with me. I know how much he adores his girls and that he doesn't love me any more or any less than his daughters - he just loves us all differently. I also know that it it ever came to a decision between his kids and me, I would lose out.

I just guess that I am hoping that one day in the not too distant future, he will leave his wife (without my identity ever being revealed) and that he will be able to explain to his kids the reason why he is leaving and that it has nothing to do with them. He claims that his daughters would still resent him and say "You didn't try hard enough" or "You're being selfish" - girls will always tend to side with the mother, no matter what.
Am I deluding myself here? Or do you think we have a future. I'm interested to hear from kids whose parents have divorced and how it affected their relationship with their dads - where the father instigated the divorce, not because of an affair, but any advice in this matter is appreciated.

I don't mind if people take the hgh moral standard, but please just read closely what I have written and try and see the situation for what it is and how it has come to be.
Thank you

 
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Old 08-03-2008, 01:25 AM   #2
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

This is not going to be about "morals", but I can't help thinking that you are taking an awful lot on trust here. He may be genuine, but that doesn't change the fact that he is trotting out the same lines that EVERY philandering male has uttered before him. Look at it from his perspective - he has a "great wife", a lovely family, a marriage that may be boring at the moment, and a willing mistress. He is not going to give any of that up willingly. This is a situation where you (for your own future) can and should give the firm ultimatum "I will see you again when you are legally separated, and not before". The alternative is always being the 'other woman', and getting the scraps. No Christmas days, no giving him a birthday party, no home life. Is this what you are willing to settle for?. Yes, you may lose him, but you have not really got much of him to lose; you will ALWAYS come second to his family. Let him put his money where his mouth is, and give it to him straight. Sera

 
Old 08-03-2008, 03:27 AM   #3
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

I entirely agree with Sera. Words, words, words... Moreover, it seems to me that you are somewhat blinded by your love for this man. This is the beginning of a relationship, and everything looks perfect, but what will happen next if he divorces and the other actors and actresses in the plot will fight for their rights (and money), if you see what I mean? I don't really mean to discourage you from being his partner for the rest of your lives, but just to help you see ahead, in a more realistic way. Consider the possibility of his having his own flaws, like any other human being.

I am not the son of a divorced couple, and neither are my own children. But such a condition is very common these days and I know many such families (indeed, I have a step-daughter as well). I think a divorce may affect the relationship between the leaving parent and the children, especially in the first moments, but usually, provided that the parent doesn't cut the links with his/her children, the relationship can be all right again. It is much a question of tact, patience, and commitment. The relationship between children and a step-parent is usually difficult, so you'd be better to have few expectations in this respect. But being genuine, affectionate, tolerant and non-intrusive may help you a lot.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-03-2008 at 03:29 AM.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 03:42 AM   #4
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
He may be genuine, but that doesn't change the fact that he is trotting out the same lines that EVERY philandering male has uttered before him. Look at it from his perspective - he has a "great wife", a lovely family, a marriage that may be boring at the moment, and a willing mistress.
I hear your points, but I reiterate: she is not a great wife - a great mother, granted, but this marriage has not been "boring at the moment"'
, but for many, many years.

"He is married, but effectively in a loveless and sexless marriage (sleeping in separate beds) that died years ago, with a significant deterioration that began about a year before I came onto the scene".

"she has been a good wife and a great mother, he is fond of her, but there is nothing they really share apart from the kids. As the girls grow up and move away, he feels that any "link" there is in the marriage (ie. the girls) will surely dissolve. He has "emotionally distanced" himself from her, a situation that, as I have said, has been going on for years. He knows that he is probably to blame for this situation, as he is a very independent person, and despite him trying to help his wife become a more self-confident, emotionally healthy, outgoing person with her own interests, it just didn't work. He realised many years ago, that no matter how many times he tried to do this, it fell on deaf ears and it's a situation that will never change. He just gave up, but not for a lack of trying to help her.

The wife does not realise that by basing her entire world around him, she actually drove him to be even more independent and that she still hasn't fully grasped the concept that her incredible "neediness", is a major reason that he felt so trapped and suffocated in their relationship. His wants and needs changed, he tried to get her to see that and work with her, so that she could understand and change and grow with him, to keep the marriage alive - but she couldn't or didn't want to - and thus, they have just slowly drifted apart."


The issue is his girls - nothing more, nothing less.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 04:03 AM   #5
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

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Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
I entirely agree with Sera. Words, words, words... Moreover, it seems to me that you are somewhat blinded by your love for this man. This is the beginning of a relationship, and everything looks perfect, but what will happen next if he divorces and the other actors and actresses in the plot will fight for their rights (and money),

I think a divorce may affect the relationship between the leaving parent and the children, especially in the first moments, but usually, provided that the parent doesn't cut the links with his/her children, the relationship can be all right again. It is much a question of tact, patience, and commitment. The relationship between children and a step-parent is usually difficult, so you'd be better to have few expectations in this respect. But being genuine, affectionate, tolerant and non-intrusive may help you a lot.
Thank you for your advice and yes, he has flaws, one being hyperactive and wanting to do housework all the time. And that's a flaw ))

We have been together for 8 months, after knowing each other for 26 years (not being in contact, however) and I hear your concerns that "everything looks perfect" but I knew what I was getting myself in for - and I ran with it, as he did he, because you cannot deny a chemistry that has defied 26 years.

The financial aspect is a concern, but even with a divorce, he will still be well off.
We do not want to get married, and as his girls are 22, 20 and 18, there's no element of being a step-mother.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 07:55 AM   #6
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

Don't his girls see that he is in a loveless marriage, sleeping in separate beds?! I think his "I'm staying in it for the girls" explanation doesn't ring true. If the girls see this, he is not doing them any favors by staying married. They are old enough to understand that he is not happy in the marriage and he will always support them but he has to get out of marriage that is not right for him. Their attitude just might be what took you so long.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 08:18 AM   #7
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

I think you are very blinded by love. His wife was who she was and is when he met her, that is who he fell in live with, so why is he trying to change who she is? There are two sides to every story. I think you should get out of this relationship before you get in any deeper, I know it is hard but it only gets harder.

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Old 08-03-2008, 08:20 AM   #8
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

So, he was so miserable EIGHT YEARS AGO that he took a second job just to get away from his wife, then he started sleeping with you for eight months, and you're both calling her needy and clingy because she complains that he's never home???? Uhmmmm, if my husband worked 40 plus hours during the week, worked a part time job over the weekend, and spent all his spare time elsewhere, I'd be complaining pretty loudly, too, so I have to say right there, you don't sound like you're being very fair to her, or seeing this situation really really clearly. Also keep in mind that every minute he has spent running away from his wife, he has also been running away from his daughters. He hasn't been honest with his wife. You didn't tell us anything that indicates that he has told her truly how unhappy he is with her, that he would likely leave her if she didn't get more of a life of her own, etc. He just gently suggested she do this or that, and when she didn't, he ran away and drowned himself in work and you. I'm also concerned that you two used an oceanside cliff for your first several trists. High, airy, heady, dangerous, exhilerating, which no doubt hightened the romantic thing and gave a false sense of excitement and exhileration to what the two of you were starting.

Since his daughters are adults, there's no rational fear that they will be scarred in their development, since they are already developed, so his "fear" of what they will think won't end when they grow up, since they ARE grown up, so actually, he cas use this excuse for the rest of his life. But it seems to me that if he really were all that concerned about his daughters, he wouldn't have been running from them and cheating them out of a fully present, happy father for the last eight years, which is what he has done in favor of being so gutless and drowning himself in work instead of dealing with his problems head on. Seems to me his daughters will be resentful no matter what he does now, because they spent the last eight years of their life with a father that spent all his time working and trying to just get away from their mother. So I dont' think the fear of their resentment is a real valid one. It's unfortunate that he added you to the mix before he got all this straightened out because now the girls CAN blame you for it all, when it's not really your fault, but now it will look like it is. The thing is, he keeps waiting, like somehow time will miraculously fix this whole mess. But time won't fix anything. Time will only add to the severity of the issue. If he thinks his daughters will be resentful NOW, think how much MORE resentful they will be if he leaves his mother when she's 45 instead of 40, and 5 years older, 5 years farther away from the dating pool, 5 years harder to find someone else to grow old with, 5 more years wasted with a man who has been secretly resenting her all this time, 5 more years worth of lies and deception. And if I were them and my dad were going to leave my mom, I'd RATHER he do it when I'm 18 and just starting out in life and can incorporate it into my future picture, rather than when I'm 24 and getting married and thinking about having kids and picturing my dad walking me down the aisle and my mom in the front row, and bringing my babies over to grandma and grandpa's house, etc. and waiting until THEN to drop the bomb that all that stuff isn't going to be happening and I'm going to have to suddenly rearrange my picture. The longer he waits, the harder it will be on everyone. But since he's not stupid, something tells me he already knows that, which means, he probably will never leave. And why should he when not leaving hasn't cost him anything so far? He gets to avoid the mess of a divorce, gets to have her there dealing with the kids and the house, and gets to sleep with you as well. Hey, what a bargain!!! I wouldn't want to mess with that, either, if I were him.

I really wouldn't hold my breath waiting for this guy. He may be your soul mate, but he doesn't have the cajones to stand up for the two of you. People divorce all the time. A famous country singer was married when he fell in love with his soul mate and for 18 years they did the "we're just good friends" thing, yet I think they both knew deep down they were in love with each other. He had three daughters, and stayed for them, and it took 18 years, but he did finally end it with his wife. Unfortunately it wasn't until his wife was 45, a frumpy dumpy middle aged divorcee with three kids' worth of baggage, and the best she can do in the dating pool now is some psycho gardener who kidnaps her at knifepoint, and he has the nerve to wish her well and hope she finds love. Tsk. But although he did want to make sure his kids would be alright with it, he didn't use them as an excuse. They were all teens still, not adults yet, when he ended his marriage and started outright dating his soul mate, whom he married a year or so later. He did ask his daughters' and his ex wife's permission to propose to his soul mate, but he did tell them that she was who he loved and wanted to be with. It tok him a while, too long, to decide to go after what he really wanted, but once he did decide, he was high minded about it. But, I don't really see your guy being there yet, though for you it's only been 8 months, not 18 years, the 26 years you guys have spent maybe thinking about each other but not really being in each other's lives notwithstanding.

Anyway, to bottom line it, I don't think you can or should push him to make a move or to end things with his wife, and I can understand why you may not be able to bring yourself to say "well, I can't wait, see ya." So at this point, I'm not sure what else you can do but ride it out and go with the way things are for now. If it were me, well, I really can't see myself sleeping with a married man. My first love is married now too, and I never got over him, never even met anyone else despite pretty relentless searching for someone else to date or even just hang out with. I've often fantasized about what I would do if he came back into my life. The chemistry was always undeniable between us as well, but I know I would not sleep with him while he were still married. I simply decided long ago that I just am not willing to be any man's dirty little secret, and as hard as that sounds to keep to sometimes, I know in my heart that that's just who I am, that's who I want to be, and it's who I've chosen to be. Of course that mindset has never really been challenged, so I have no real idea how steadfast I would be if it were, so I don't mean to judge. I just get the feeling that things have the strong potential of staying the way they are indefinitely. I don't think there really is anything short of leaving that you can do to move things along. If I were you, though, I would strongly consider staying friends but stopping the sex until and unless he gets off the pot. Not as a manipulation or as a tactic, but just to take sex off the table and uncomplicate things for now. Good luck.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 08:36 AM   #9
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

I agree with Sera. You should say something like you are getting too emotionally involved and if he doesn't leave his wife it is not fair to you to waste your time and you have to end it so you can move on. I know it is not easy since you are in love with him but you can't get these years back.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 09:08 AM   #10
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

How do you know that everything he tells you is the truth? Something contradicts itself to me...she revolves her whole life around him and they are in a loveless/sexless relationship. That doesn't ring true in my book! My guess is he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Men are awesome at that!
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Old 08-03-2008, 12:51 PM   #11
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

Beatrade is so right! First thing I thought was how can you be in a loveless marriage with a woman who her entire world revolves around you? Maybe its one sided but dont kid yourself if this is true, the wife is still involved in her marriage!

Secondly, the lines he is feeding you and you are relaying to us is as old as the hills! Every married man who cheated on his wife says they didnt sleep in the same bed and it was loveless yada yada yada....you sound like an intelligent woman....see this for what it is...

You also said he had never cheated before and you knew this to be a fact...how so? Because he told you or because you followed him around for years and knew every moment what he was doing. You cant possibly know this to be true. I of course dont know it NOT to be true...but honey they all sing the same tune.

Please dont fall for this story that every mistress hears at one time or another...I might be more inclined to believe him if he told a new FIB! If he said he was so into you he just couldnt help and he didnt want to hurt his wife...but for Gods SAKE those lines have been used so many times they are cliques....I might have been tempted to laugh in his face.

The very best you can hope for with this is a good roll in the hay or on the mountain as it seems.....once in a while when he can drag himself out of his wifes' overly dependant clutches....is that enough? If it is....ENJOY..if it isnt run for lower ground while your pride is still intact and let him use those lines on his next conquest!

Mileena

 
Old 08-03-2008, 03:36 PM   #12
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

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Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
You also said he had never cheated before and you knew this to be a fact...how so? Because he told you or because you followed him around for years and knew every moment what he was doing. You cant possibly know this to be true. I of course dont know it NOT to be true...but honey they all sing the same tune.


Mileena

I agree with everything that Mileena said but this I wanted to second! Heck, women don't even know when their own husbands/boyfriends are cheating when they live in the same home with them...never suspecting a thing! How the heck can you know that he never ever cheated on his wife? You think he'd tell you?
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 08-03-2008 at 04:00 PM.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 04:20 PM   #13
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

I know it all sounds the same - the lines trotted out etc, the statement that he has never cheated before - and I don't have any proof, except his demeanor, his body language and his eyes all tell me that he is not lying.

Couple this with his actions and words, and I know in my head and heart that he is speaking the truth:

Some old emails he has sent me:

"The other topic of conversation could be summarized by suggesting; although life is short, as time moves along all people change for a whole lot of reasons. We humans are strange creatures but have fundamental needs that can't be met by one solitary person on the planet. Thats my spin anyway. Some people may or may not agree with that opinion which is fine with me. I just know that I feel trapped in this marriage, hence my getting part-time work."

"There IS STILL a lot of stuff that I need to share that talking to someone not involved, helped blow out the window any misconceptions that I might have. Its not going to be pleasant and we will just get it out there and see where you want to go with this."


"The consequences of my actions will require me to make a decision at some time in the future concerning us. I have lit the fuse and it will eventually blow up in my face.
The time factor is the uncertain variable here. Will you give me an ultimatum?
Will I make a mistake and be found out. A divorce involve loss of face from each of my 3 girls for how long? The list goes on and on. There is no escape. I will become another statistic."

"You are a wonderful person. Know this; that I would never do anything to hurt you. Ive always wanted the best for you ever since you were a cute,cheeky little girl and to have you renter my life with some scars from lifes journey but accept me for who I am and my unique situation making no demands is an amazing experience. To grow in my understanding of you as a person has just made me want to love you more and spend as much time as I can with you.

You have my word that I will walk beside you in life. Just allow me the grace to move in my own time so as not to jeopardize my relationship with my girls.
Your effort to track me down finally and throw caution to the wind has paid off. I have fallen madly in love with you and maybe just maybe we are soul mates, but I do know what my heart feels and it has convinced my head. So be afraid, be very afraid; I'm here to stay!!!!!!!"

"Its always hard to find the words which I feel would adequately express the way I have grown to appreciate all that you are as a beautiful person. So, I decided to view you as a young delicate petal -so long ago- that in time has grown up to become a blossoming flower. Like bamboo you have swayed in the breeze with the gentle winds of life and have also weathered the cyclonic battering of unpredictable storms. You bend but do not break, you've been battered, but you're not broken. Such is your resilience to stand strong in the midst of turmoil and live out the creed "what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" In the midst of this you manage to reunite with myself; such is the unpredictable nature of life. I laugh at cute cliches like; sounds like a plan; keep me in the loop; stand bye one and so many aviation acronyms it makes my head spin! Your long wavy hair always makes me want to run my fingers through it and stroke your face. That glint in the eye and a cheeky smile behind what lurks a very determined, competitive beast that commands respect in the nicest possible way. Firm but not demanding or judgmental, speaking your mind with conviction and sensitivity on many and varied issues. The touch of your soft skin as I stroke you with my hands or hold you firmly in my arms not wanting to let go. Your understanding of my personal circumstances and my trust in you holding my life's destiny in the palm of your hand. These are but a few thoughts I have you.

I will quite possibly witness in the next 12 months two of my closest friends go through the pains of separation and no doubt DIVORCE. It will not be pleasant;it never is. Will I follow suit??? No one can accurately predict the future but I hope I am wise enough to learn some valuable lessons along the way."

People grow and change in relationships - if they don't grow and change in similar ways, they drift apart. That is a fact. He's not trying to change the woman he married, but he has tried for years, to get her to realise that he cannot be the centre of her universe. She is unhappy, he is unhappy - even his girls tell their mother that she needs to get out more and carve a life for herself- get some friends, take up a hobby. They can see it's not a healthy relationship.

"So, he was so miserable EIGHT YEARS AGO that he took a second job just to get away from his wife, then he started sleeping with you for eight months, and you're both calling her needy and clingy because she complains that he's never home????"

He did this because they worked together, slept together (at that stage) and lived in each other's pockets - he needed space. She resents it when he goes for a surf for a few hours. When he asks her to come, she complains that she'll get sand everywhere. He has tried so hard over the years to get her involved in his hobbies, but she wont. She wants HOME 24/7, 356 days a year - that is what I meant by the fact that her whole life revolves around him.

"Also keep in mind that every minute he has spent running away from his wife, he has also been running away from his daughters."

He has never neglected his children and has been there for all of them. He has taught them to be self-suficient. They all know how to surf, hike, make a fire and rough it in the bush. He is a fine father and he has a great relationship with them.

"He hasn't been honest with his wife. You didn't tell us anything that indicates that he has told her truly how unhappy he is with her, that he would likely leave her if she didn't get more of a life of her own, etc."

He has told her many, many times how unhappy he is, over the years. As I said, it hasn't made an iota of difference. He has stayed there for the sake of the kids.
I will talk with him about the impact on the girls and see if that is really the only reason he's not leaving her - and we have talked at length about the divorce. He is seriously contemplating it, I know that much

Last edited by firsttruelove; 08-03-2008 at 04:24 PM.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 04:32 PM   #14
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

"The consequences of my actions will require me to make a decision at some time in the future concerning us. I have lit the fuse and it will eventually blow up in my face.
The time factor is the uncertain variable here. Will you give me an ultimatum?
Will I make a mistake and be found out. A divorce involve loss of face from each of my 3 girls for how long? The list goes on and on. There is no escape. I will become another statistic."

'Will I make a mistake and be found out."

This line says it all. He shouldn't care if he was found out nor would he be hiding the relationship from his wife.
He would tell her he's seeing another......

Your being used for sex because you believe that a guy whom you meet years ago (no relations) is your true love. He knows this and is giving you all the old lines.
Did he get some from the movies? They sound really familiar.
Either way, Your not going to listen to anyone until he breaks your heart. Why is that?

 
Old 08-03-2008, 04:53 PM   #15
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Re: In love with my first true love...............he's married

I have to say I don't believe the guy. He can't possibly use the line that he's staying together with her for the sake of "the children" because they're not children anymore! They're adults! That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard, and you shouldn't buy it. I think you should put your self-respect above all of these emotions and see this for what it really is: a married guy looking for some side action with a willing participant who will never leave his wife. That's what Lifetime channel was invented for, is stories like this, and they usually always end up the same. Not in the mistress's favor.

 
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