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Old 08-03-2008, 06:14 AM   #1
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How do I begin to trust him??

Some of you may have read my story about my husband of 11 years (and 6 kids with) wanting to walk away. He was sending another woman text messages - I counted 242 in one day between the two of them!!

Well, big surprise here but him and this woman were having an "emotional" affair. He finally admitted that they were flirting and had talked about what it would be like to have sex and she even sent him nude photos! I have seen a counselor and we are going to go together. He talked with a friend of ours who cheated on his wife and said it was like a slap in the face. Yesterday when the girl sent messages (after he told her he was done) he erased them and called his friend who is holding him accountable. But it's only been one day so he is having a very hard time. He says he feels like a total a-hole for doing this to both of us.

But I can't stop checking the verizon account and I know I won't be able to stop checking it either because I can't bring myself to trust him at all. He did send messages Friday but this was before his talk with his friend and I know everything hit him hard and he is honestly sorry and wants to put this all behind us. However, it angers me to see him so broken over telling this girl he could never talk to her again, why didn't he care when I was so broken over him doing this???

But where do we begin? I hate waiting to go to the counseling because I know it will help but right now we have to take it day by day and I'm still very scared.

 
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Old 08-03-2008, 07:37 AM   #2
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Re: How do I begin to trust him??

It is a step in the right direction that he admits he was wrong and is trying to end the emotional relationship. The big question though is why did it start. That is what the counceling is for. Maybe he feels you are neglecting him and he just fell for the attention. It is hard with 6 kids to have the energy for a husband's needs too. But if the problem is deeper, like he is generally not happy with you, thinks you fight all the time or whatever and he really wants out of the marriage, that is a different story. But it does seem he is sorry, feels bad and wants to work at it. I don't think he realistically thinks he can leave you and pay alimony and child support for 6 kids and support himself.

If this is the first and only time he had an emotional affair and it didn't get too far make sure he knows this can never happen again.

IF he knows you are checking his cell phone account, he may find a sneakier way to communicate with her.

But I really think it sounds like he wants to work it out since he enlisted a friend's help. Meanwhile try to plan some family bonding activities. Go to a park or out for ice cream together.

 
Old 08-03-2008, 04:54 PM   #3
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Re: How do I begin to trust him??

Definitely do the counseling thing....if you both really want to make things work. But, is he more sorry about HAVING the emotional affair, or sorry about getting caught? Granted, Im a bit biased, since its happened to me as well. But it's definitely going to take some time to regain the trust, no matter which way you look at it. Try to get in to counseling as soon as you can...the longer you let it go, the more resentment will build. I dont know what your relationship was like before the emotional affair, so I cant even begin to guess the reasons why he did what he did. There is absolutely NO reason why you have to live with it everyday....checking phone records? I've been doing the same thing, keeping tabs. I feel bad doing it, but trust is such an important thing to have in a relationship, that once it is gone....it takes hard work to get it back. I hope hes kissing your feet and treating you like a queen. ;-) Best of luck to you. Keep us posted how everything turns out

 
Old 08-03-2008, 05:49 PM   #4
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Re: How do I begin to trust him??

You can't be expected to just regain the trust you lost right away....don't expect more of yourself than you can give. Check his phone records, don't feel bad for doing it...he is the one who caused you to act this way. It will take a long time to repair the damage that he has done to your marriage....give yourself permission to snoop and then give yourself permission to stop when you feel you can trust him again...it may be a year or more. I wish you luck!

Mileena

 
Old 08-04-2008, 06:19 AM   #5
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Re: How do I begin to trust him??

you don't begin to trust him, and probably one day you will realize that you will never trust him.......what's the point?
let him go......let him go text message to his hearts content.....
I'd be done with him......you are to, but you're hanging on for some reason....what are you hanging on to? He's not a prize......I'd toss him back

 
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