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Old 08-04-2008, 12:40 AM   #1
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Can't decide on a wedding ceremony

This may sound a little weird, but lease bear with me. And feel free to smack me with a clue-by-four if this is somehow inappropriate for this forum.

DBF has expressed on occasion that he would like for us to be married someday, and I would enjoy that (I am still unsure if we have a future together because of some other issues, but that' another story). We are not making any serious or concrete plans yet or anything, but we discussed it a little, and we cannot seem to agree on a ceremony.

DBF is not religious in any way, but would like a nice ceremony - maybe not a traditional wedding, but something large. I am deathly scared of being the center of attention (complete with cold sweats and tremors), and I told him I may very well have a massive panic attack and ruin the day if forced to walk an eighth of a mile an hour down an aisle in front of tons of people. I told him I'd much rather go to a courthouse, get married, and then go home and have a big party with family and friends. Oh, and did I mention I don't wear dresses? Ever? For any reason? I have a lot of reasons for not liking dresses, and that includes gowns that weigh as much as I do.

Like I said, nothing solid yet. But how could we reach a compromise? DBF expects me to just be chipper for a day and ut my anxiety on hold, but it is not that easy and he cannot understand that because he doesn't get scared over everything like I do. Has anyone else ever faced this decision? How did you handle it?

 
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Old 08-04-2008, 01:19 AM   #2
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Re: Can't decide on a wedding ceremony

Hopefully as you and your BF go on and get closer and talk a lot, he will become more understanding of your fears. It is hard for somebody who doesn't have these fears to truly relate to those who do. Another possibility is that you will work on your own fears and try methods of desensitizing yourself. It can be done. I think you will need to meet him halfway here. Perhaps a church ceremony for the family, followed by a big reception. Remember too, that most of the people who come to your wedding will be family and friends, not strangers. Anyway, don't get too worked up and anxious about it yet, anything can happen in a couple of years. Sera

 
Old 08-04-2008, 01:38 AM   #3
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Re: Can't decide on a wedding ceremony

Thanks, Seraph.

Honestly, it won't matter if it's family or not. I can remember my family throwing me birthday parties every year until I was 18, and I loathed having everyone focused right on me. It made me scared and it made me ill, even though it was all my loved ones. At a party or social function, I am the person who stands in the corner and looks for interesting dents in the walls while sipping on a ginger ale. I am the person who, while everyone else is out on the dance floor having a grand old time, is sitting alone at a table with my sketchbook and a pair of headphones.

I have major issues being the center of attention and I don't think DBF understands the extent to which I fear being the one thing everyone is focused on. I am hoping we can reach some sort of middle ground if we do end up wanting to marry - I want it to be a special day for us both, but I don't want it to be the day I am so scared that I hyperventilate and faint in front of my relatives and friends. I don't think BF would want to have such a memory of what should be a happy day (though anyone with a camera would sure have a field day taking pictures of the bride passed out face-down on the floor).

Honestly, my ideal ceremony would be going to the courthouse with a witness, being married quietly with no audience, and then going back home where I could change into something comfortable and party with my loved ones. No big dresses or tuxedos, no showers, no churches.....just a big bash with family and friends to celebrate in some sort of reception hall. I could handle speaking to people one-on-one who may want to say congratulations, but not a massive wallet-emptying ceremony.

I may need to go a bit more into detail about my fears to DBF in hopes that he can understand that I am not just overreacting and that I have no control over these fears.

 
Old 08-04-2008, 05:02 AM   #4
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Re: Can't decide on a wedding ceremony

It sounds to me like it's not happening any time soon, so I don't think you should worry yourself about it at all. You don't even know if you'll still be with this guy a couple of years from now. Anything can happen. So, until you actually have a ring on your finger and the date has been set, I think you shouldn't even be thinking about it, because it's not in imminent danger of happening at this point in time.

 
Old 08-04-2008, 05:14 AM   #5
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Re: Can't decide on a wedding ceremony

you sound a lot like me except i get like this when i make presentations in front of the class at university. before the presentation i feel like running out of the class. last semester i had a presentation and if we didnt do it we wouldnt fail the subject but we had to make the marks up somewhere else. i was about to say stuff the presentation i cant do it but i made myself do it. it was hard but after i felt relieved. i chose a finance major over a marketing major because in marketing i have to make lots of presentations and in finance i only have to do one so i definantely know how you feel. i bet ill be the same on my wedding day. i find it so hard to speak in front of an audience so i definately know how you feel. good luck for when you do get married. it always turns out better than what you think. there is this saying which im sure everyone has heard before:

"what doesnt kill you, will only make you stronger"

 
Old 08-04-2008, 06:17 AM   #6
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Re: Can't decide on a wedding ceremony

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
DBF has expressed on occasion that he would like for us to be married someday, and I would enjoy that (I am still unsure if we have a future together because of some other issues, but that' another story). We are not making any serious or concrete plans yet or anything, but we discussed it a little, and we cannot seem to agree on a ceremony.
yes I'd like to smack you with a clue by 4, since you gave me permission.....
what's the point of getting married if by your own admission, you're not even sure if you have a future together......
and you're worried about the CEREMONY? yeah that's what you need to worry about.....can you tell I'm being sarcastic?

 
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