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Old 08-04-2008, 08:15 AM   #1
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Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

Me and current boyfriend of, oh say not quite 2 months, had a 4-day break-up and I was not handling it well (I wrote about it here). This all went down at 2.00 am, I went and got my stuff from his house and was back home by 2.30 or so. I subsequently stayed up the entire night (well maybe got 2 hours of sleep before waking for work) and was on the computer being all frantic. Whilst on the computer, I noticed that at 4.00 am, that my ex (two exes ago, the one that really broke my heart last summer and the one I've struggled getting over for a long time) happened to be on-line on this social networking site. I have no idea why I did this, probably because there was nobody I could call or talk to at the time, I sent him a quick message. All I said was, "Are you really on the computer at 4.00 am?". He actually didn't respond until the next day (presumably I missed him before he logged off). His reply was something like, "Yes, I was and in a couple of hours it will be 4.00 am all over again."

I didn't respond to that and subsequently, 3 days later I was back together with my current boyfriend. I have two things on my mind. I didn't tell my current boyfriend that I contacted this ex. Mainly, because at the time we were broken up and it's not like I sent him some desperate message saying I am still in love with him. So, is it necessary to tell him that I did this? Secondly, I'm actually feeling for the first time since my break-up (of 1-year at the end of this month) that I'm over my ex. Part of me wants to be friends with him again. Not necessarily friends that hang out or anything but possibly, just a contact here and there. I mean this without any reference to romance or anything of the kind as he is still with the girl that he dumped me for and I am excited and happy with my new relationship.

I know that the ex last year dumped me and he was a jerk and all that. But I do know that there were some reasons why I was "replaced" that were valid (and I've since rectified all the problems). Again, I'm not interested in my ex (and even looking back at pictures of him, I'm not sad anymore). I guess I know the answer to this, but should I just leave it alone and go on with my life? Or, is it okay to be in contact with an ex that you have a lot in common with? (Note: I have just as much in common with my current boyfriend and even more!). And, do I tell my current boyfriend I did the initial contact even though it was while we were broken up and there was nothing untoward in the message?

 
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Old 08-04-2008, 08:17 AM   #2
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

Oh, and so if any of you think it would be an okay idea (I can already hear the resounding "no" re: contacting the ex), how would I approach this with current boyfriend? I would have to tell him, of course. He knows how messed up I was about this guy. He also knows that I'm in love with him now and that what we have is even better.

[answers her own question: NO! Just forget it and go on.]

 
Old 08-04-2008, 08:18 AM   #3
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

mouse you can't be serious.....don't waste one more SECOND fretting about this? so you shot off a one sentence e-mail asking if he was on-line.....NO BIG DEAL
there is nothing to confess to your new beau, and no reason to fill his head with anything insignificant that might confuse him regarding your feelings.
you did nothing wrong!
drop it, forget about it and move on......

 
Old 08-04-2008, 08:50 AM   #4
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

Quote:
Originally Posted by MouseOnMars View Post

I didn't respond to that and subsequently, 3 days later I was back together with my current boyfriend. I have two things on my mind. I didn't tell my current boyfriend that I contacted this ex. Mainly, because at the time we were broken up and it's not like I sent him some desperate message saying I am still in love with him. So, is it necessary to tell him that I did this?
Oh GOD no!!! Honey, really, this is NO big thing!! So you sent one little message to your ex, and your ex replied in a brief, and very snotty way. So what!!?? NO, this is NOT your current boyfriend's business. Don't sweat it at all, please!!

 
Old 08-04-2008, 08:55 AM   #5
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

After reading the ongoing drama with your current bf, I don't think you should ever say anything to him about this. He is liable to go off on you and break up with you over it, regardless of your intentions. He is a very strange guy and I frankly don't know what you see in him because he's clearly got some major issues. But that's another topic for another time.

Anyway, as to the ex, if you are definitely over all of your romantic feelings for him, then you can be occaisional email buddies just to say hi or whatever. But by your own admission, it took you forever to get over him and judging by your reaction just from sending him this short message, I don't know if it's such a good idea to get involved with him on any level again for a while. Maybe you just need more time to pass before you'll really be over him.

 
Old 08-04-2008, 10:13 AM   #6
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

Mouse, I agree somewhat that this wouldn't even be on your mind if you were truly, 100% over the ex. You may not still have romantic feelings for him, but you are still affected by what happened in that relationship and you are feeling emotions about it. I think an "innocent", friendly correspondence with him at this point would be almost like playing with fire. Why bring all that back when you still clearly remember what happened and how you felt? It would be safer to initiate correspondence when you can't even remember why you broke up or how you felt. But then you probably wouldn't want to contact him, so there it is.

And I don't think you did anything wrong to confess to your current boyfriend. Admittedly, you probably did reach out to your ex because you were feeling sad and vulnerable and lonely, but you didn't do anything inproper or bad. If you tell the current about this innocent contact it may not be taken so well by him. I'd keep quiet.

 
Old 08-04-2008, 01:45 PM   #7
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

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Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
Mouse, I agree somewhat that this wouldn't even be on your mind if you were truly, 100% over the ex. You may not still have romantic feelings for him, but you are still affected by what happened in that relationship and you are feeling emotions about it. I think an "innocent", friendly correspondence with him at this point would be almost like playing with fire. Why bring all that back when you still clearly remember what happened and how you felt? It would be safer to initiate correspondence when you can't even remember why you broke up or how you felt. But then you probably wouldn't want to contact him, so there it is.

And I don't think you did anything wrong to confess to your current boyfriend. Admittedly, you probably did reach out to your ex because you were feeling sad and vulnerable and lonely, but you didn't do anything inproper or bad. If you tell the current about this innocent contact it may not be taken so well by him. I'd keep quiet.
I agree with this response. 1) You don't need to contact this guy. Doing so will just open up old wounds and make things more complicated for you. I don't believe you are over him either and therefore you are opening a can of worms that should stay welded shut. 2) You did nothing worthy of having to be "confessed" to your current boyfriend so there is no need to tell him. All I can see is a misunderstanding come out of it and more issues that don't even need to happen.

 
Old 08-04-2008, 11:15 PM   #8
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

I agree with tivo. Your not married.

 
Old 08-05-2008, 09:53 AM   #9
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Re: Innocuous Disclosures and Contacting an Ex

Thanks for the input everyone! I have decided not to mention to current BF and have also come to the conclusion that I am not 100% over the ex (maybe like 98%). As such, it would not be a good time to contact him. And maybe in some more time, I'll lose all desire to contact him.

I guess the thing that prompted it, is that I'm doing all this great stuff now and I wanted him to see. Not so that we would get together again but because even though there was a lot of pain in the break-up, I wanted him to see how it galvanized me. I think he would like the music that I'm playing and we've got some local gigs coming up. Also, I'm doing a radio show one night on his most favorite artist (just so happens to be my most favorite artist -- that is how we met on a 'fan board'). I just thought he would like to know this stuff.

It is sad that I can't share with someone who used to be my best friend. He would have liked to have remained friends (of course, he was the dumper) but I told him it would take time. I don't think he imagined that at almost a year later that I still wasn't all together able to be friends. I know that he is now just a chapter in my life (and outside of the break-up a very happy chapter). Now I've moved onto a hopefully, potentially happy (if not confusing) new chapter. I just have to remind myself of that but also that to have a happy chapter doesn't always mean there has be a significant other.

 
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