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Old 08-04-2008, 08:29 AM   #1
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Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

ok, this may be a little long, so I will apologize in advance.

I was with my sons father for about 2 years before I found out I was pregnant. We got engaged and were planning our lives together. When I was 4 months pregnant, he decides to one day tell me that he no longer loves me and that he was with someone else. The person who he was with, lived in the same building where he and I lived. She was someone who, for no reason at all, would give me dirty looks and told people that she didnt like me. Now, Im a friendly person, I always try and get to know someone before judging them, so at that time I was confused as to why she didnt like me (now I know it was because she was eyeing my fiancee). Anyway, he and I stopped talking. He did not talk to me for the rest of my pregnancy. Not one call from him to see how the pregnancy was going or anything. I heard NOTHING.

I gave birth last July. His mom told him I was in the hospital and soon after my son was born, he showed up. This was a complete surprise to me. Anyway, he and I started talking again (strictly as associates, not even friends...he was still with the girl). After I came home from the hospital with my son, he would stop by a few times. He even started crying one day because he said that he didnt know what he did. Tha he screwed his life up and that he was doped on cocaine when all of this happened. I didnt know about the cocaine and he had told me that he went to rehab and that he was done.

In the past year since my son has been born, this girl has held him back from seeing the baby. Now I cant blame it all on her cause he is a grown man and has a mind of his own. My son was in the hospital for a weekend with a bad stomach virus. Not ONCE did he come see him. But during that weekend he was out with her. Around town going out to eat and the movies. With his son in the hospital. Also, when Id take my son to his town so that his mom and him could see the baby, she would argue with him, casue she didnt want him to see me and the baby.

They broke up around January of this year. In May, he found out she was pregant. It was by him. At this time, he and I were talking casually. We'd take our son out and he was becoming an active parent. He had done a complete 180. And he would still say that he wished me and him could return to the way we were. He even asked me, 2 weeks ago, if he could move in with me. I declined, but only because I was moving out of my apartment, to live with my sister.

Now, yesterday, we took our son to a kiddie amusement park. We had a great time. And I told him that I though we should try and fix things. He tells me that hes not ready. He says that the girl who he has pregnant is not over him adn she causes a show everyday trying to get him back, shes even threatened suicide.

Now, am I crazy for suggesting that we try and fix things? he told me he would call me today, that he needed a night to think. I dont know, now im sorta confused.

I feel as though I was devoted to him and was the best woman for him and he left his family that he already had, for some one who does drugs (she smokes weed while being pregnan), and is not all there mentaly.

He tells me that he doesnt want to abandon her cause shes pregnant, but he did that to me..and we were living together and engaged when he did. Hes not with her at all, so how is that abandoning her? Please help. I dont know if Im over him

 
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Old 08-04-2008, 08:33 AM   #2
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

let him go.....he's not worth hanging on to

and most importantly, get yourself a good lawyer and get the child support that you are entitled to

 
Old 08-04-2008, 10:30 AM   #3
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

OK, please listen very carefully...I have seen many friends and family go through what you are going through. The one thing I know is that you need to forget about him. He is a deadbeat dad, and that's one of the most horrible things you can do in life. It doesnt matter if he's involved somewhat now, the point is he blew your son off like he didnt matter. If you let him back into your life he WILL hurt you again, and your son even worse. I am not sure why you cant see it but he is playing mind games with you. Dont let him! Dont play his games and get suckered in. You are better than that.

Also he cheated on you, and he will do it again. So unless you want to repeat history, stay away from him.

I know it's hard when you have feelings for somebody especially when you have a child together but you have let go. It will take time to heal the pain and heartache but some day you will meet someone else who will take care of you and your little boy. For now focus on your son and whenever you feel sad just look at him and be proud of raising him on your own with no help from his deadbeat father. You can do it! I agree...get yourself a lawyer and get child support! Good luck

 
Old 08-04-2008, 01:38 PM   #4
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

He left you high and dry when you were pregnant. He never supported you or his child. Why are you now surprised that he is running back to thie "woman"?

Please know that I am not trying to be harsh with you at all. I just want you to realize that both you and your son deserve better than him! Not only did he abandon you in your time of need he allowed some other person to call the shots and keep him away from his child. That is unforgivable. And then, when he is starting to do the right thing he decides to "jump ship" and support the same woman that kept him from his son in the first place. Can you just imagine how it will be when that child is born?

Your son deserves a "real man" as a role model. Someone who knows how to treat his mother. Someone who will show him responsibility and love and affection. His biofather is nothing but a lousy sperm donor in my opinion. He will never get better because he blames all his problems on that woman and substance abuse.

You need to contact a lawyer and get a child support order in place. I would also put a clause in there for drug testing if he wants visitation with his son. I wouldn't doubt for one moment that if that woman is smoking pot while she is pregnant that he won't get back into something. Again, that is not the life you want to show your son.

I know it's hard but it really is for the best. He is not worth fighting for. He isn't a prize.

 
Old 08-04-2008, 01:46 PM   #5
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

Thanks so much everyone. And its not harsh at all, if anything I need to be told that way. I know Im stupid for even considering it, but I cant help the way I feel. I have received a job offer in another state. I have my closest friend living there, so Im thinking I might just take it. When this job was offered to me was really when I started thinking about getting back together with him. But you are ALL right, I dont need him and he doesnt deserve me or my son. I guess, in a way also, I feel hurt. Hurt that he chose to be by her side while shes pregnant and completely abandoned me while I was. My emotions are such a wreck right now, but I know what I HAVE to do. Oh and I just got full custody of him last week. His father is not even on the birth certficate. I honestly just want to get away from him 100%...ahhh, Im so frustrated!

 
Old 08-04-2008, 01:50 PM   #6
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AJsMommy View Post
Thanks so much everyone. And its not harsh at all, if anything I need to be told that way. I know Im stupid for even considering it, but I cant help the way I feel. I have received a job offer in another state. I have my closest friend living there, so Im thinking I might just take it. When this job was offered to me was really when I started thinking about getting back together with him. But you are ALL right, I dont need him and he doesnt deserve me or my son. I guess, in a way also, I feel hurt. Hurt that he chose to be by her side while shes pregnant and completely abandoned me while I was. My emotions are such a wreck right now, but I know what I HAVE to do. Oh and I just got full custody of him last week. His father is not even on the birth certficate. I honestly just want to get away from him 100%...ahhh, Im so frustrated!
You are not stupid for considering getting back with him. It's normal to want to try to make your family work. Nobody can fault you for that. I've been in your shoes and I know they are not easy to walk in.

I think you should make a fresh start. I think it will do you a world of good. You won't have to deal with seeing them and being reminded of his betrayal over and over again. That is what you guys deserve! A fresh new start full of promise. Best of luck with the job offer!

 
Old 08-07-2008, 08:42 AM   #7
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

I have been in a similar situation you are in. I was with my ex bf for 1 yr and i found out i was pregnant and he was cheating on me and got a 16 yr old pregnant. He decided to stay with her and raise her child and he wasn't there my whole pregnancy. He came after he was born and a few times after i came home with my son. Then he stopped seeing him and denied him. I took him to court got a dna test and child support. In july of 04 he was proved to be the father and i got child support as well. He saw him very little after that. Then he moved to Fl 2 yrs ago. I wasn't in contact with him a whole yr. Then the Fiance` now b/c he proposed to her, the ring and all. She got in contact with me. My son has 2 half sister's 4 and 2 yrs old. We had been talking on and off. got back together while he was in FL but then I broke up with him, b/c he was playing games.

Then in Sept of 07, i filed for full custody of my son and i was awarded full custody in Dec. He moved back to NY in Oct b/c CPS got called on him for doing cociane and pot in his house with 2 small children around and drinking as well. alchol was all over the house and they were having sniffing parties. It was messed up i didn't want my child to see him alone b/c i don't trust him. Also he was seeing my son 1 a week for visitation here for 1 mth and then in Jan he stopped seeing him. I hadn't recieved any child support from Jan-April. I got his income tax and stimulus at the end of april to make up for the months he didn't pay. Then I didn't recieve any child support for 3 mths. I don't want to be bothered going to court. He doesn't tell me where he works b/c he don't want me having his money for our son. he is selfish. He was living on temporary assistance and then decided to get off of it. His mother has not even met our son, she wants nothing to do with him.

My son's father and his ex are struggling, they broke up 3 weeks ago, but are living together for the sake of the children. which isn't really a good idea b/c it only confuses them. Also We tried getting back together and it didn't work. I was in love with the idea of us being a family. When in reality. I know i deserve better than him and i'll be fine. We and my son have gotten this far with out him. I will always love him. but he has changed over the yrs and he is not the man i used to know and we are not 20 & 21 anymore. We are 26 & 27.

I can't work b/c i'm disabled, so i joined the gym in May. I've lost 5lbs so far. I've decided to go back to college in Jan. I'm in the process of getting housing assistance and moving out soon. I have a life that is different from alot of other people i have a mental& physical disability and so does my son. Its hard, b/c my son's father doesn't understand our son is not like other children. he dislocates easily and bruises easily due to the ehlers danlos syndrome. One day at a time we take it. You sound like a great person. but he's not worth your time. you need to find someone who will treat you and your son better than he could ever do. He will always be your son's father but sometimes things are not ment to be believe me, i know you want a family. I do too. but what we want isn't realistic, think of the stress and the bullshyt you have to go through to be with him, she will always be in his life, and obviously he's not over her or you. My son's father played the same game. he has to choose one woman and stay with her. Sweety you deserve so much better, things take time, you get through this remember you have your son. distance your self from him, let him make the times he wants to see his son and if you trust him let him take your son for the day or a weekend. but its not going to work, you know in your heart. i hope this sheds a lite on things. feel free to message me on here.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 08:19 AM   #8
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

Thanks so much patteecake.. I feel as though it is the same situation you and I have gone through. My ex, too, had a problem with the drugs. The girl that he got pregnant, thouhg, there is NO way in hell that I can EVER speak with her. We had actually spoken a few times, in an adult manner, after my son was born. But she continues to talk so much about me behind my back and try and get my sons father to believe alot of stuff. I feel as though Im back in high school with this girl, its ridiculous. And I honestly cannot ever talk to someone who intentionally broke a home. She knew he and I were living together and that I was pregnant, but she still decided to be the other woman. Also, when I'd go to his town so that he and his family can see our son, she'd threaten me, saying that if she saw me she would do something to me. (this was befor she became pregnant).. Mind you, I've been a boxer for YEARS, so she wouldnt know what she was messing with anyways. Im not a fighter anyways, I save it for the ring, when I got a match.

Right now Im mostly hurt. I havent spoken to him and I changed my phone number. It was his birthday yesterday and his mom called me (she and I are very close). As we were talking, he had come to the house (he moved in with her to save money) to change and go out.. Then she hears a knock on the door and it was the girl. His mom cannot stand her. I guess he was going out with her for his birthday, but he told his mom he wasnt. I dont know why, but that bothers me to no end. I cant stand that hes with someone who would do something like that to someone else. And it still bothers me. I wish it were possible to remove someones dna from a child. I want him to be gone from my life, my memories and all. Ahhh! Im sorry, Im venting, but I feel so weird, its killing me cause all I could remember is the good times we have, but at the same time, I remember what hes doing, how hes neglecting my son. I believe this also has to do with the fact that my father walked out on us. I was a big daddy's girl, he was the one who started training me in boxing. So when my dad did that, I was crushed. Now I see someone doing that to my son, and its hurts just as bad, if not worse....I dont know..

 
Old 08-08-2008, 09:25 AM   #9
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

I see. Unfortunately it is very difficult, if not impossible, to wipe out your memories. But you can move on with your life, despite all those memories. I don't know, but I fear that your relationship with his mother, however good it is, will somehow keep you informed about him, maybe even giving you some hopes of a come-back. I know it may be hard for you to break up with her - just because of this, of her son - but perhaps you should gently remind her that it is only about you and her (and possibly your son) and nobody else. I don't think you still need to have news about him, about what he is doing, his whereabouts, his present girl-friend, etc. Resist the temptation to hear about these people and things. They belong to the past.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 01:12 PM   #10
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

Thanks pendulum..I definitely agree to the solution with his mother. I had tried VERY hard not to ask questions about him before and after this recent situation I did tell her that I rather not know anything. After she told me about what he was doing for his birthday, I eventually, politely, told her not to inform me of those things. I dont want to know anything because I know it will lead to nothing good. I am definitely trying, I can say that much. Time will tell how this turns out. I DEFINITELY appreaciate all of the advice coming my way though.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 04:31 PM   #11
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Re: Please help! Relationship Issue with my sons father!!

I just want to agree with what most other posters have said: stay away from him. Do not waste your time and energy on him. You have your son and try to move on with your life and leave the bad behind. I wish you the best of luck.

 
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