Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
I posted earlier on another thread about my marriage which is falling apart. We have been married for almost 10 years and it has been an unhappy marriage from the start. Although we weren't in love with each other I thought that we would develop a bond and friendship, especially as we have two children that are now 5 and 8.
I feel that my husband is very abusive and I guess, I need people who are neutral to tell me if his behavior is overly abusive. He is "the nice guy" nice and polite to everybody, doesn't drink, smoke, take drugs, cheat on me or beat me. He is a great father and spends a lot of time with our kids.
He has been a nightmare of a husband, and my already low self esteem is now non existent.
As soon as we disagree about something he calls me stupid, moron, loser etc. Once I picked up Wall Street Journal and he laughed about me reading that kind of newspaper.
Yesterday I tried to tell him an interesting story that I read in the paper and after I had said 2 sentences, he screamed at me: get to the point, what is the point with your story, get to the point already.
Sometimes when I talk, he asks me what I am blabbing or blabbering about.
He rolls his eyes at me as soon as I don't get something right away and undermines me and my decisions. It is almost as if he waits for me to make a mistake and then comment about it. I am almost afraid of making decisions as not to be called stupid. Also, when he feels like complaining about something then it is ok to complain, if I complain about the same thing, he calls me negative and a complainer.
I am drained by this person. We have been in couples counseling and I have also tried to talk to him, but nothing has changed.
I have not worked during most of our marriage. I have been taking care of our kids. My husband calls me lazy. My husband has his own business, but is moderately successful. I am on the phone trying to get customers for the business and I would estimate that 75% of his customers are from my efforts.
He became unemployed a few years ago and used all the equity we had in the house (with my written permission which I regret now that I gave) to open his business. Our house has now no equity at all.
I am 48, my husband is 50. I look at him and not only do I not love him, but I don't even like him. When I argue back he says that I am mentally unstable and need to be on psychiatric medication.
I graduated from a law school in Europe 20 years ago. My degree can not be used in the US, I have looked into that several times. But, at least my degree is a reassurance for me that I am not stupid as I now have been told for 10 years. My husband is American, born and raised in the city we live in.
Although he has lived here his whole life he has no friends at all. He criticizes me for having social problems (I have 5-6 friends) and not making a social life for us as a family. He has said that I am a wall flower.
I don't feel that this marriage is able to be worked on. I am not willing to work on it, I just want out. One part of me feels in spite of everything that I may be making a mistake to get divorced. I don't know if I am afraid of loneliness or of not being able to make it on my own or that maybe I am leaving a good man. My husband is gone all day, he has his business and sits there, no matter if he has clients or not. I am with the kids all day and when I hear his car in the evening coming home, I cringe.
Any input is appreciated.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: negot lynlora70 (02-03-2011)
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Is he abusive? You bet he is....you are sitting on a gold mine with your law degree.....you don't need him to earn a living...get out and find work and get out. He has done enough damage to you. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to talk to him, or how you don't care about him. Who could? No one deserves to be treated this way. NO ONE! Believe me the fact that he doesn't actually hit you doesn't mean you aren't being abused.
A couple should be a united stand against the world outside. I am sorry to say it sounds as though you are on your own and have been for a while.
Please don't put up with this nonsense any longer! Start looking for help, it's out there if you know where to find it.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
OK so maybe you can't be a lawyer here in the US, I don't know about that but surely your degree amounts to something in the law field! Maybe while you are still married and have an income, you can go to school to catch up on some needed courses so you will be more employable? Just tell the A** that you are trying to get smarter since he thinks you are so stupid! HA!
I can't even imagine how bad I would hate someone that talked to me like you describe!
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My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
no doubt.....yes he is abusive, he is emotionally and verbally abusive.
get away from him before he beats you down even more.
you don't deserve this treatment
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Thank you for your inputs. It really means a lot to me to hear what people think, people that are neutral. I am so used to this situation that I don't know any more how abusive his behavior is.
How did I put up with this for 10 years? When I married him I was in a very vulnerable situation, without a green card. He started being abusive fairly quickly into the marriage and I so badly wanted to leave, but couldn't because I would have gotten deported since he was the reason I could stay in the country. It took 3 years until I got my green card. By then our child was born. The marriage was horrible, but nevertheless I (and he) wanted a sibling for our child and the second child was born. I felt that I didn't want to leave the kids to a day care and we also couldn't afford it, so I stayed.
I filed for divorce a year and a half ago, but changed my mind as I was going to sign the lease for an apartment. I didn't have a job, and still don't and I was scared I wasn't going to make it. My self esteem is also extremely low and I feel terrified. I have no family here, just a few friends. I worry about my kids, how they are going to feel if we divorce. But, I am so miserable that I am not a very good mother anyway so things can't get much worse for the kids.
My husband is a likable person and few people who know him would believe how abusive he is to me.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Nelli, you have to ask yourself, how much worse can leaving him be than staying in this relationship? My guess is that he has serious self-esteem issues and is putting you down to make himself feel better.
No, you damn well dont have to put up with it! Not only that, your kids are learning that this is how women are treated. Make plans to move out, do all of this behind his back and when you have a safety net, get a lawyer and go..good luck!
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
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Originally Posted by Nelli
I filed for divorce a year and a half ago, but changed my mind as I was going to sign the lease for an apartment. I didn't have a job, and still don't and I was scared I wasn't going to make it. My self esteem is also extremely low and I feel terrified. I have no family here, just a few friends.
I too agree that your husband is abusive, but I am really responding to your post because I know what you are going through being scared to leave. I also have not worked in a long time and cannot find a job, I still feel Love for my husband, but know there is no way to fix our marriage and I put up with his lies and abuse because I am so scared that I will not be able to take care of my son, and I (for some stupid reason am also afraid to be alone) I am not from another country like you, but feel like I am since my family lives 3500 miles away. I cannot move back there, I will not even be able to afford to go visit them. My husband and I have spent every holiday with his family, never once with mine, and I'm so afraid to be all alone during that time. I, also cannot rent an apartment w/o a job, and the jobs that I would qualify for wouldn't even be enough to make a payment. I feel like you and I are probably dwelling over the same exact things right now, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am going to do it though, I have put it off far too long and you need to get out too. You know that you are not going to ever feel good about yourself with that man putting you down. And you are obviously very intellegent. He sounds like an insecure bully who puts you down because he KNOWS that you are smarter than him and he resents it!! He's making you believe that you are not smart enough to make it w/o him, don'tbelieve it, you are smart enough and you can do it!! Please take care of yourself and your children and know that I am praying for you.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Verbal abuse. He makes you feel like your worthless. Thats not love. And you know that. Has he been like this all 10 years, or did it happen suddenly? And have you ever told him how he makes you feel? If you guys have been to couples counseling and he is still treating you this way, then I would just leave if I were you. Your self worth is going down the toilet and you need to save any bit of it you can. You are not leaving a good man. He is getting away with too much. Leave and start your own life. Don't worry about being alone, you have your children.
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
I have known for years now that I should leave him, but haven't been able to. But, exactly, how much worse can it be than it is now? He does make me feel worthless and often I don't dare to say something that I want to say out of fear to be laughed at. I feel like I have been living in a prison for a decade now. I am going to do as much as I can behind his back before I file for divorce. At this point, I can't stand him any more although he is the father of my children and I will need to be civil to him for the sake of the kids. He does have low self esteem and inferiority complex. I look back now and wonder what I have been thinking all these years, but there is no point in looking back. My kids are also rude to me and condencending, that's what they hear from their father. My husband is so controlling that I barely have a relationship of my own with my kids. My husband thinks that he knows everything best and makes most of the decisions for the kids. I can't wait to get out from this prison that I've created myself and get my dignity back.
Sarah, I am sorry that you are also in a similar situation. It is scary to be on your own, but at least you'll have your peace of mind. No one deserves to be put down
I have learned many things through this nightmare of a marriage. For example, it is the personality and integrity of the other person that counts, not education etc. My husband's brother is married to a nice woman who works as a maid, she cleans people's houses. Her husband treats her with respect and would never dream about saying that she is stupid. He asks her for advice and listens to her opinion. I've heard so many times now that I am stupid and that I don't think and this in spite of the fact that I have a degree which you can't obtain if you are completely stupid.
I am so angry and don't know what to do with my anger, especially as I can't move out at the moment. I have also found out that the law is unfair in a situation like mine. My husband emptied our house of equity to open his business. He will walk away with the business when we get divorced and I will get nothing although the equity used for it belonged to both os us. He basically used me, and I guess, I am stupid in some way for allowing it to happen.
Last edited by negot; 08-07-2008 at 03:30 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to negot For This Useful Post: jd8109 (06-19-2012)
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
you might not like this idea and I may be speaking off the cuff here, but I might just consider splitting and leaving the kids with him.....they don't treat you with respect because he's brainwashed them. I'm not sure that can be undone, and not easily if it can......I'd leave em all behind and make a new start.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
rosequartz, I have thought about doing it, but my kids are only 5 and almost 8, so I feel that if I just manage to get away from my husband and create a new life, the kids are going to see that I am not lazy and stupid etc. I feel that I want to have my own relationship with my kids on my terms, not on my husband's terms. My husband is now all sulky and makes the kids feel sorry for him and makes me into the bad guy. It is the same story over and over. He insults me and treats me like I am a stupid child, I then stop communicating with him more than I have to and he feels like a victim. The kids now feel bad for him. I can't understand that I have put up with this for so long.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Well, don't get me wrong, but I am really surprised at your situation. I don't think I have ever seen anything like this before. I know kids are easy to manipulate, but a father (mis)using them against their own mother is something quite new to me. I would understand the kids' msbehaving if you were a negligent mother and housewife. If you refused to cook their meals or only gave them bad foods. If they walked about in rags. If they slept in filthy
bedrooms. Etc. Since I don't think this is the case, it's hard for me to understand how the kids have turned their backs on to you. Don't they witness and see your work at home?
Anyway, whatever you decide to do, it's high time you made your voice heard and your dissatisfaction expressed in this house. They will be surprised, but (I know it is easier said than done) this is perhaps the last chance... for you to regain your humanity. You don't have to scream or shout or argue. Just say you don't like this or that and demand respect. Protest firmly, seriously. Don't pocket their insults. The longer you wait to do this, the more difficult it will be for you to impose your ways later.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
It's me again. Sorry if I am "over-posting", but I just want to understand what is going on.
What sort of puzzles me is that you say you come from Europe. In this country, it is very usual for the native to look up to someone who comes from Europe. The very name "Europe" usually stands for many good and positive things: education, tradition, ancestors, experience, knowledge, art, etc... Of course, there are also a few bad things, like the wars, colonialism, etc, but all in all the positive things usually tip the balance towards an acceptation and even an admiration of European people and things. I don't know very much about the United States of America, but I should think that the same applies there.
So, being an European and what is more a well-educated European, you would be in the position to easily be absorbed by America, especially when you speak English (as I presume you do) so well. Perhaps English is your first language as well. What I mean to say is: I would expect your husband, like most other Americans, to look up to you rather than keep saying those pointless things about you.
If you find my doubts to be relevant to the case, would you please elaborate on this?
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Quote:
I would understand the kids' msbehaving if you were a negligent mother and housewife. If you refused to cook their meals or only gave them bad foods. If they walked about in rags. If they slept in filthy
bedrooms. Etc. Since I don't think this is the case, it's hard for me to understand how the kids have turned their backs on to you. Don't they witness and see your work at home?
It's easy for a kid to take their parent for granted, especially if they've never gone without. Reading your story, Nelli, has torn me up a bit inside because my mother went through the same thing.
My stepfather was a terrific father and everbody's best buddy, but he was a horrible husband to my mom and lived to pick on her. My sister and I did it too. I can't say why, except that he was doing it and she was an easy target. She couldn't get a normal job for health reasons, which we never believed, so this hard-working woman was called lazy for most of her life. And honestly, she was not the brightest bulb, but she didn't deserve the humiliation we gave her every day. We accused her of being a drama queen right up until the day she collapsed during her job as a caretaker and died from cancer two weeks later. The fact that she worked all of that time she was actually dying slowly, and no one listened to her complaints of being in pain... she was amazing and I can only see this now, when it's too late.
I hope you get away from this guy. I think you are right. Your kids are still young, and might learn to respect and appreciate you if you can get them away from his influence. They are impressionable right now and do not understand what they are doing.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lysander
It's easy for a kid to take their parent for granted, especially if they've never gone without. Reading your story, Nelli, has torn me up a bit inside because my mother went through the same thing.
My stepfather was a terrific father and everbody's best buddy, but he was a horrible husband to my mom and lived to pick on her. My sister and I did it too. I can't say why, except that he was doing it and she was an easy target. ...
You have a point here: it is easy for a kid to take a parent for granted, especially if they have never gone without.
I don't know how old you and your sister were when you took to picking on your mother. The difference may be that Nelli's kids are still very young, and it's more usual for young kids to side with their mothers rather than their fathers.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Lysander, your story made me feel so bad for your mom, but also for you and your sister. Don't blame yourself in any way because you didn't know better at the time. My 7 year old son told me today that I am lazy. I asked him why he is saying that. He said that that is what daddy told him. I am obviously not angry at my kids, they don't know better, but I so badly want to have a relationship of my own with my kids without my husband interfering constantly. My husband is exactly like you describe your stepfather. Nice to everybody, very likable and a great father. As a husband, he has been a nightmare. Like you say, he lives to pick on me. He is also incredibly controlling. Everything that we have in the house, down to the kids' beds and the color on their room wall, he has decided. He has taken all the paperwork pertaining to the house, my passport, the kids' passports and many other things to his business. Supposedly it is in case our house gets burglarized or burns down. I don't buy that explanation for a second. The truth is he is so controlling that his hands have to be on everything. If I want to see the title to the house or something similar, I have to ask him for it. He gives me money when he feels like it and as much as he feels like. I do have a credit card that I use for food, everything else he decides whether we should buy or not. I feel so suffocated, but can't get away from him this second. I need to first figure out where to live and how to support myself. As I mentioned previously 5 years ago he took all the equity out of the house and put it into a business. We are currently in debt and have no assets and no equity in the house.
Pendulum, you asked why he is disrespecting me and talking down to me. I can only guess, but I think that my guess is pretty good. My husband grew up in a very posh neighborhood. Very wealthy people lived there and also some celebrities. He went to the same school as children of these people and went to their houses which were mansions. My husband is from a pretty simple background. His dad did sales for living and wasn't particularly successful and the mom was a homemaker. His siblings are not very successful and their spouses are not professionally successful either. I, on the other side am from a family where everybody is professionally successful (my siblings are medical doctors etc.) My husband treats his family with a lot of respect although he complains about them behind their backs and has very little contact with them. Anyway, I am pretty sure that he has some major inferiority issues stemming from childhood. Now at age 50, he is not particularly successful professionally. Actually, that's another issue I feel resentment about. Our 10 year marriage has been much about how he is going to have a job that he likes. Instead of focusing on myself, I have been focusing on his career, one that fell apart and now this other one that he started 5 years ago. I have been the perfect victim for him. He married me when I didn't have a green card and he knew that once we got married, I was stuck.
Ironically, we now live, although in a small house, in a middle class neighborhood, it is only a block from a very wealthy neighborhood. Our kids go to a school where kids from some very wealthy families go. It is the same story all over for my husband. Again, he is feeling inferior to others, in the past as a child, now as an adult and I am paying the price for it.
He is also incredibly shallow. He has told me that if I got fat, he would dump me and that a lot of men get something they didn't bargain for, a wife who gains weight after she has kids. My husband has gained about 30 pounds since we got married, but he is not able to see himself realistically. I could go on and on about 10 years of all this. Thanks for listening (reading).
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
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I don't know how old you and your sister were when you took to picking on your mother. The difference may be that Nelli's kids are still very young, and it's more usual for young kids to side with their mothers rather than their fathers.
I was old enough that I should have known better, but I wonder if Nelli's kids might have bonded less with her because 1) their father is controlling their relationship with her 2) her unhappiness has made her distant from them (this was the case with my mother and me, I think) and 3) the nature of this kind of abuse. If everyone around you is saying that the sky is red, you get to believing it. This kind of thing is horrible to go through because it tears you down from the inside and you can't tell if the problem is you or them.
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He is also incredibly controlling.
My mother would mumble to herself all the time, "Control. It's all about control..."
Your guess makes perfect sense to me. Your husband is a bully, and that's what they do. He stays big as long as he keeps you small. It sounds like he feels threatened by you too. I know you would just thrive in a loving environment. You are amazing for having put up with this treatment for so long, and I fear for what lies ahead of you. Undoubtedly you are going to be made to appear the bad guy again if you leave.
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He is also incredibly shallow. He has told me that if I got fat, he would dump me and that a lot of men get something they didn't bargain for, a wife who gains weight after she has kids.
The words of a man that thinks a woman is only kept around to serve him and make his life easier...
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Lysander, your story made me feel so bad for your mom, but also for you and your sister. Don't blame yourself in any way because you didn't know better at the time.
Thank you. It is hard to forgive myself. I know my mom would have forgiven me, but there is still the pain of knowing that she should have had a different life. I sincerely hope you do.
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.
Lysander, I just read your post and have to respond. Try not to blame yourself. As you say, your mother would have forgiven you. My kids, who are 5 and almost 8 make fun of me, make fun of the way I talk (I have an accent), call me a drama queen (like you say your mother was called too) call me lazy, tell me that I don't make any money and they wouldn't even be able to go to school if it wasn't for their father, but I don't even think of blaming them. I am sure your mother saw it this way too. I am so sorry that she died before you had a chance to talk about all this with her. I also want to tell you this: No matter what, it is still the adult's responsibility (in this case mine) to get away from this situation. The fact that my husband is abusive is one thing, but I still have to take responsibility for my life and take the necessary steps to leave my husband. Your mother probably felt that she couldn't leave, had nowhere to
go and that's how I feel at the moment, but there is always some solution and we adults have to come to a solution, our kids can't do it for us. In other words, you were a child and you did what you could do at the time although it doesn't feel right when you as an adult think back about it. I wish you the best and don't let quilt be a part of your life. I am never going to blame my son for imitating his father. My son is almost 8 and very bright and he knows very well what he is saying to me is rude, but he is just a child and this is the best way he knows to deal with this situation. When I leave my husband, I am sure my relationship with my kids will change to the better. I wish you peace of mind. I just want to ask you if you are able to discuss this with your sister?
Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated. 
Please take care of yourself and your children and know that I am praying for you.
