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Old 08-05-2008, 05:06 PM   #1
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Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

I posted earlier on another thread about my marriage which is falling apart. We have been married for almost 10 years and it has been an unhappy marriage from the start. Although we weren't in love with each other I thought that we would develop a bond and friendship, especially as we have two children that are now 5 and 8.
I feel that my husband is very abusive and I guess, I need people who are neutral to tell me if his behavior is overly abusive. He is "the nice guy" nice and polite to everybody, doesn't drink, smoke, take drugs, cheat on me or beat me. He is a great father and spends a lot of time with our kids.
He has been a nightmare of a husband, and my already low self esteem is now non existent.
As soon as we disagree about something he calls me stupid, moron, loser etc. Once I picked up Wall Street Journal and he laughed about me reading that kind of newspaper.
Yesterday I tried to tell him an interesting story that I read in the paper and after I had said 2 sentences, he screamed at me: get to the point, what is the point with your story, get to the point already.
Sometimes when I talk, he asks me what I am blabbing or blabbering about.
He rolls his eyes at me as soon as I don't get something right away and undermines me and my decisions. It is almost as if he waits for me to make a mistake and then comment about it. I am almost afraid of making decisions as not to be called stupid. Also, when he feels like complaining about something then it is ok to complain, if I complain about the same thing, he calls me negative and a complainer.
I am drained by this person. We have been in couples counseling and I have also tried to talk to him, but nothing has changed.
I have not worked during most of our marriage. I have been taking care of our kids. My husband calls me lazy. My husband has his own business, but is moderately successful. I am on the phone trying to get customers for the business and I would estimate that 75% of his customers are from my efforts.
He became unemployed a few years ago and used all the equity we had in the house (with my written permission which I regret now that I gave) to open his business. Our house has now no equity at all.
I am 48, my husband is 50. I look at him and not only do I not love him, but I don't even like him. When I argue back he says that I am mentally unstable and need to be on psychiatric medication.
I graduated from a law school in Europe 20 years ago. My degree can not be used in the US, I have looked into that several times. But, at least my degree is a reassurance for me that I am not stupid as I now have been told for 10 years. My husband is American, born and raised in the city we live in.
Although he has lived here his whole life he has no friends at all. He criticizes me for having social problems (I have 5-6 friends) and not making a social life for us as a family. He has said that I am a wall flower.
I don't feel that this marriage is able to be worked on. I am not willing to work on it, I just want out. One part of me feels in spite of everything that I may be making a mistake to get divorced. I don't know if I am afraid of loneliness or of not being able to make it on my own or that maybe I am leaving a good man. My husband is gone all day, he has his business and sits there, no matter if he has clients or not. I am with the kids all day and when I hear his car in the evening coming home, I cringe.
Any input is appreciated.

 
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Old 08-05-2008, 05:18 PM   #2
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

Is he abusive? You bet he is....you are sitting on a gold mine with your law degree.....you don't need him to earn a living...get out and find work and get out. He has done enough damage to you. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to talk to him, or how you don't care about him. Who could? No one deserves to be treated this way. NO ONE! Believe me the fact that he doesn't actually hit you doesn't mean you aren't being abused.

A couple should be a united stand against the world outside. I am sorry to say it sounds as though you are on your own and have been for a while.

Please don't put up with this nonsense any longer! Start looking for help, it's out there if you know where to find it.

Mileena

 
Old 08-05-2008, 06:00 PM   #3
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Angry Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

OK so maybe you can't be a lawyer here in the US, I don't know about that but surely your degree amounts to something in the law field! Maybe while you are still married and have an income, you can go to school to catch up on some needed courses so you will be more employable? Just tell the A** that you are trying to get smarter since he thinks you are so stupid! HA!

I can't even imagine how bad I would hate someone that talked to me like you describe!
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Old 08-05-2008, 06:12 PM   #4
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

no doubt.....yes he is abusive, he is emotionally and verbally abusive.
get away from him before he beats you down even more.
you don't deserve this treatment

 
Old 08-05-2008, 07:05 PM   #5
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

My answer to your question is another question: How could you put up with this situation for ten long years?

 
Old 08-05-2008, 07:20 PM   #6
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

Thank you for your inputs. It really means a lot to me to hear what people think, people that are neutral. I am so used to this situation that I don't know any more how abusive his behavior is.
How did I put up with this for 10 years? When I married him I was in a very vulnerable situation, without a green card. He started being abusive fairly quickly into the marriage and I so badly wanted to leave, but couldn't because I would have gotten deported since he was the reason I could stay in the country. It took 3 years until I got my green card. By then our child was born. The marriage was horrible, but nevertheless I (and he) wanted a sibling for our child and the second child was born. I felt that I didn't want to leave the kids to a day care and we also couldn't afford it, so I stayed.
I filed for divorce a year and a half ago, but changed my mind as I was going to sign the lease for an apartment. I didn't have a job, and still don't and I was scared I wasn't going to make it. My self esteem is also extremely low and I feel terrified. I have no family here, just a few friends. I worry about my kids, how they are going to feel if we divorce. But, I am so miserable that I am not a very good mother anyway so things can't get much worse for the kids.
My husband is a likable person and few people who know him would believe how abusive he is to me.

 
Old 08-06-2008, 09:38 AM   #7
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

You're welcome. So now, having got this input, what do you think you are going to do, if we may ask you?

 
Old 08-06-2008, 11:15 AM   #8
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

Nelli, you have to ask yourself, how much worse can leaving him be than staying in this relationship? My guess is that he has serious self-esteem issues and is putting you down to make himself feel better.

No, you damn well dont have to put up with it! Not only that, your kids are learning that this is how women are treated. Make plans to move out, do all of this behind his back and when you have a safety net, get a lawyer and go..good luck!

 
Old 08-06-2008, 11:17 AM   #9
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nelli View Post
I filed for divorce a year and a half ago, but changed my mind as I was going to sign the lease for an apartment. I didn't have a job, and still don't and I was scared I wasn't going to make it. My self esteem is also extremely low and I feel terrified. I have no family here, just a few friends.
I too agree that your husband is abusive, but I am really responding to your post because I know what you are going through being scared to leave. I also have not worked in a long time and cannot find a job, I still feel Love for my husband, but know there is no way to fix our marriage and I put up with his lies and abuse because I am so scared that I will not be able to take care of my son, and I (for some stupid reason am also afraid to be alone) I am not from another country like you, but feel like I am since my family lives 3500 miles away. I cannot move back there, I will not even be able to afford to go visit them. My husband and I have spent every holiday with his family, never once with mine, and I'm so afraid to be all alone during that time. I, also cannot rent an apartment w/o a job, and the jobs that I would qualify for wouldn't even be enough to make a payment. I feel like you and I are probably dwelling over the same exact things right now, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am going to do it though, I have put it off far too long and you need to get out too. You know that you are not going to ever feel good about yourself with that man putting you down. And you are obviously very intellegent. He sounds like an insecure bully who puts you down because he KNOWS that you are smarter than him and he resents it!! He's making you believe that you are not smart enough to make it w/o him, don'tbelieve it, you are smart enough and you can do it!! Please take care of yourself and your children and know that I am praying for you.

 
Old 08-07-2008, 09:51 AM   #10
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

Verbal abuse. He makes you feel like your worthless. Thats not love. And you know that. Has he been like this all 10 years, or did it happen suddenly? And have you ever told him how he makes you feel? If you guys have been to couples counseling and he is still treating you this way, then I would just leave if I were you. Your self worth is going down the toilet and you need to save any bit of it you can. You are not leaving a good man. He is getting away with too much. Leave and start your own life. Don't worry about being alone, you have your children.
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Old 08-07-2008, 04:29 PM   #11
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

I have known for years now that I should leave him, but haven't been able to. But, exactly, how much worse can it be than it is now? He does make me feel worthless and often I don't dare to say something that I want to say out of fear to be laughed at. I feel like I have been living in a prison for a decade now. I am going to do as much as I can behind his back before I file for divorce. At this point, I can't stand him any more although he is the father of my children and I will need to be civil to him for the sake of the kids. He does have low self esteem and inferiority complex. I look back now and wonder what I have been thinking all these years, but there is no point in looking back. My kids are also rude to me and condencending, that's what they hear from their father. My husband is so controlling that I barely have a relationship of my own with my kids. My husband thinks that he knows everything best and makes most of the decisions for the kids. I can't wait to get out from this prison that I've created myself and get my dignity back.
Sarah, I am sorry that you are also in a similar situation. It is scary to be on your own, but at least you'll have your peace of mind. No one deserves to be put down
I have learned many things through this nightmare of a marriage. For example, it is the personality and integrity of the other person that counts, not education etc. My husband's brother is married to a nice woman who works as a maid, she cleans people's houses. Her husband treats her with respect and would never dream about saying that she is stupid. He asks her for advice and listens to her opinion. I've heard so many times now that I am stupid and that I don't think and this in spite of the fact that I have a degree which you can't obtain if you are completely stupid.
I am so angry and don't know what to do with my anger, especially as I can't move out at the moment. I have also found out that the law is unfair in a situation like mine. My husband emptied our house of equity to open his business. He will walk away with the business when we get divorced and I will get nothing although the equity used for it belonged to both os us. He basically used me, and I guess, I am stupid in some way for allowing it to happen.

Last edited by negot; 08-07-2008 at 04:30 PM.

 
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Old 08-07-2008, 08:46 PM   #12
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

you might not like this idea and I may be speaking off the cuff here, but I might just consider splitting and leaving the kids with him.....they don't treat you with respect because he's brainwashed them. I'm not sure that can be undone, and not easily if it can......I'd leave em all behind and make a new start.

 
Old 08-07-2008, 11:46 PM   #13
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

rosequartz, I have thought about doing it, but my kids are only 5 and almost 8, so I feel that if I just manage to get away from my husband and create a new life, the kids are going to see that I am not lazy and stupid etc. I feel that I want to have my own relationship with my kids on my terms, not on my husband's terms. My husband is now all sulky and makes the kids feel sorry for him and makes me into the bad guy. It is the same story over and over. He insults me and treats me like I am a stupid child, I then stop communicating with him more than I have to and he feels like a victim. The kids now feel bad for him. I can't understand that I have put up with this for so long.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 03:48 AM   #14
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

Well, don't get me wrong, but I am really surprised at your situation. I don't think I have ever seen anything like this before. I know kids are easy to manipulate, but a father (mis)using them against their own mother is something quite new to me. I would understand the kids' msbehaving if you were a negligent mother and housewife. If you refused to cook their meals or only gave them bad foods. If they walked about in rags. If they slept in filthy
bedrooms. Etc. Since I don't think this is the case, it's hard for me to understand how the kids have turned their backs on to you. Don't they witness and see your work at home?

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, it's high time you made your voice heard and your dissatisfaction expressed in this house. They will be surprised, but (I know it is easier said than done) this is perhaps the last chance... for you to regain your humanity. You don't have to scream or shout or argue. Just say you don't like this or that and demand respect. Protest firmly, seriously. Don't pocket their insults. The longer you wait to do this, the more difficult it will be for you to impose your ways later.

This is my opinion.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 10:47 AM   #15
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Re: Is my husband being abusive? Any input is appreciated.

It's me again. Sorry if I am "over-posting", but I just want to understand what is going on.

What sort of puzzles me is that you say you come from Europe. In this country, it is very usual for the native to look up to someone who comes from Europe. The very name "Europe" usually stands for many good and positive things: education, tradition, ancestors, experience, knowledge, art, etc... Of course, there are also a few bad things, like the wars, colonialism, etc, but all in all the positive things usually tip the balance towards an acceptation and even an admiration of European people and things. I don't know very much about the United States of America, but I should think that the same applies there.

So, being an European and what is more a well-educated European, you would be in the position to easily be absorbed by America, especially when you speak English (as I presume you do) so well. Perhaps English is your first language as well. What I mean to say is: I would expect your husband, like most other Americans, to look up to you rather than keep saying those pointless things about you.

If you find my doubts to be relevant to the case, would you please elaborate on this?

 
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