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Old 08-06-2008, 08:57 AM   #1
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Unhappy Need your help--please

I recently got out of a 1 plus year relationship and I feel like my head is still spinning--I'm left here saying, "huh?"

I would love to share some things and get your take. I see flavors of a few PDs--histrionic, NPD, BPD, and paranoia--maybe a little schizoid and when speaking to a psychologist friend of mine--she said she agrees on the flavors but thinks it goes deeper into his identity--(lack of a solid-healthy identity)--she refers to his identity as fragile and said some incidents I observed were the decomposure of his identity.

Relationship recap---
Met and immediately attracted to him. Started a casual, fun and at times physical relationship--strong chemistry. Told me he was dating someone but they weren't commited. Was very "open" on his side from the get go--sharing deep feelings, etc. Developed a "friendship" which had it's ups and downs--but also lots of fun, getting to know each other, deep conversations, volunteering, and eventually working with his son.
I would characterize our relationship as fun, warm, somewhat close but not too intimate--even though some things mimicked intimacy. Early on he told me that the only thing that worried him was that I seem like someone who really wants true intimacy--that I want people to truly know me and I want to really get to know others. Although we slept together we kept it casual and never stayed the night. Pillow talk early on could be intense--sharing his "weird" thoughts--


<deleted cussing>


After sharing something revealing he would quickly turn the conversation to light and if I dug deeper he would change the subject or act like what he said was "nothing". After about five months I felt that he liked me more than friends and he started contemplating ending things with the other woman--B. He vascillated for months and though he complained that she was cold and probably incapable of really loving him--he stayed in. He said that he either needed to head towards engagement or break it off for good. Fast forward another two months and when reveals that he is falling for me. I explained that I am unsure if we would work out in a long-term romantic relationship but I may be willing to investigate it--he was very warm, charming, romantic and seemed to take relationships seriously--not one to give up when things are challenging.
He prayed for clarity and he finally broke things off with her--came on strong to me and then 2 days later he returns to her--telling me by text--nice--he is back with her but does NOT want to lose my friendship--very immature and cowardly! (btw he is in his early 40's-). He told me that he thought he would most likely propose by December 2008. Another month goes by and he breaks it off with her again--both times he is kind to her when breaking up. He tells me that he is falling in love with me and that his heart jumps every time he sees me. He wants me to come over the very night he breaks it off with B. For the next week--he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been--that we were born for each other--that he has never felt so loved or satisfied. We goe out a couple of times and after a date I told him that I felt things were moving too fast--he was trying to figure everything out right then and there. I told him that while I was attracted to him that I think we should slow it down a bit and that he should spend some time on his own before we try to start a romantic relationship. He met B right after his separation from his wife and had never really been on his own. The very next day after our conversation, he went back to B and proposed that same night. I was shocked--kinda--not that he went back but that he proposed. He didn't tell me but the next day when I say him I could feel it. (I'm really intuitive which scared the crap out of him.) I only found out about the engagement when a client congratulated him!
When I confronted him and was obviously confused and upset by another quick emotional flip--he told me that I was a fraud-- all of my kindness, friendship and love was actually all manipulative--all part of my "plan" to seduce him and lure him into a long-term relationship. He said thathe always knew he was supposed to be with her but I made him doubt it. I found out the he was decptive when bc they were really exclusive during our relationship. He took no responsibilty for the deception for the deceipt and actually put it on me saying that I really knew he was--and if I didn't it was my fault bc I was intuitive and should have known. I reminded him when I had doubts that I asked and he brushed that fact off. He then said the breaking it off was because of me and he shook up two people's lives (his and b's). he broke it off to investigate a romantic relationship with me and after our date he realized that we weren't meant to be together.
Within a week of this encounter, he ended our friendship saying that he strongly believed that he had been manipulated and we never had a real friendship/relationship. two days later he texted me that bc of our history B had requested he cut off all contact with me. (now it's him and her against the role) She was the devil and I was on a pedastal and now the roles are reversed.

Behaviors/characteristics I have witnessed-

*Theatricality
*Emotional lability
*Putting his traits unto his son
*Cameleaon--will change behavior, posture, even voice/accent to fit into different situations
*Cries fairly easily--especially when telling stories
*Outgoing
*Charming
*Flirtatious
*Lives vicariously through his son
*Very opinionated
*Black and white thinking
*very complimentary--often repeating the same compliments--I felt like they weren't genuine--like it was a script--flet like a lot of things were "scripted"
* Thinks he knows what people are thinking/their motivation--even when his thoughts contradict the facts
*usually thinks he knows more than others
*suicidal thoughts--(planned his suicide and didn't carry it out--8 years ago--recently said he would be upset if his plane went down or if he had a heart attack)
*not a lot of angry behavior--does NOT verbally abuse--only saw anger which was very deep and not the yelling type when I pressed him on something about his personality
*recovering alcoholic--sober for 17 years
* been described as the gayest straight man you'll ever meet
* very into his appearance and clothes--if we were going to be intimate he would not eat because he wanted his stomach to be flat
*hypersenstive to criticism--real or perceived
*towards the end felt like he had no emotions--cold and like and "empty shell"
*People either love him or hate him. They either think he is witty, charming and funny or they think he is a opinionated a-hole. He has banned people from his biz if he doens't agree with their stands on certain things.
*his ex said that she had never seen any one get as close as I did with him--she said she never even got to our level of our intimacy--(probably why he is still friendly with her) she said sometimes he creates stories and he becomes so entrenched in them that there is no changing his mind--the facts don't matter. he told her that I seem to good to be real.


Things he has told me:
*said he is with his GF bc she does not ask question and she is safe--she allows him to run the show and she doesn't push for intimacy
* that his language of love is words of affirmation--he needs to stroked verbally frequently or he doesn't feel loved
* he knows his place and limitations and he cannot really accept love--that it is difficult for him to trust people who are really loving towards him and although he wants people to do nice things for him he doesn't really feel comfortable with it--he's rather be the giver--bc that's what feels good to him
* that he has a purpose and when the sh*t comes down he may lose his life fulfilling it--a martyr type thing
* he can immediately recognize "his kind".
* when his son was conceived he was worried that he would turn out like him--he said it was like a scene from forrest gump when his son was born--he then acted out the scene with tears in his eyes
*he can't really let people in
* he can't work for people and does not really like being part of a team--hates to be told what to do
* he feels like he won't live to a ripe old age--he will probably die at a fairly young age
*he is really worried that his son will be going off to college in 2 years--he is not sure who he will be if he is not a dad
*told me he has no real empathy---he knows how you're supposed to act and he mimickes that
*he told me during our 2nd to last conversation--in a very intense moment--a switch flipped and he was scarey--even though he di d not raise his voice--he said--"dont yu get it. People like me can't really loveor be loved. We are make like this for a reason--so we can carry out our purpose." I had chills!


What do you think???

Last edited by Administrator; 08-09-2008 at 09:04 AM. Reason: use appropriate language, not cuss words.

 
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Old 08-09-2008, 09:37 AM   #2
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Re: Need your help--please

It's obvious he has his problems. Figuring out his diagnosis makes no difference whatsoever and we would probably be wrong, anyway since we don't know him.
No offense, but I have to say "huh?" too....Huh? why do you even ask about him?

Had I gotten involved with a guy like him I would ask myself "huh?" about myself...I would have to ask myself why would I be attracted to him or putting up with any of that for a moment, much less a year?

Rather than trying to analyze him and figure out his problems, I would want to get some help to figure out what drew me to him and why I was attracted even for a moment. It's easy to dwell on the other person for being how he is, but the only one you can change is yourself.

Honestly, not knowing anything else about a guy, I would not date a guy that was interested in someone else to "see how it goes" or consider him a possible love interest, and I sure would not make love with him. I think that was your first mistake in the situation. MAYBE he would have been OK on a completely non-intimate casual level, but it doesn't seem like it to me.

Maybe you can talk with your psychologist friend about why you didn't see the signs from the beginning, were drawn into that kind of relationship, and why you allowed it to go on for a year. I think understanding this about yourself will help you the most. What do you think?

 
Old 08-09-2008, 05:37 PM   #3
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Re: Need your help--please

I was involved with various guys with personality disorders......I lived with a guy for 2.5 yrs who had NPD and I didn't discover it until after the relationship ended....it all fell into place. I was with a guy with BPD for a year. Although not a personality disorder, my ex-husband was unmedicated bi-polar, so I've lived thru my share......
I used to be like you and researched and read all kinds of books. Malignant self-love by Sam Vaknin is a good book on NPD, as the author himself is a narcissssist. I was putting post it's on every page....
I read stop walking on eggshells about the BPD guy
I will tell you what everyone told me......stop wasting all this energy researching and trying to figure it out and just be done with it. I'll admit I learned a lot by the research, but you will never get a real answer....these people have serious flaws which cannot be explained rationally......don't spin your wheels.....just learn what to look for next time.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 11:02 AM   #4
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Re: Need your help--please

I think you're well rid of him. Be thankful you don't have to ever see him or deal with him again. Obviously very very unstable and maybe even dangerous. Count your blessings you didn't end up seriously physically hurt or worse.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 04:11 PM   #5
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Re: Need your help--please

"B" is going to be absolutely miserable with him. If she's already forbidding him to talk to you, she's already seeing the writing on the wall and is trying to wipe it off.

You are the lucky one here. You won, she lost, it's too bad for her but be grateful you don't have to deal with this anymore.

 
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