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Old 08-06-2008, 09:36 AM   #1
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I dropped a bomb...

I just dropped a bomb on my fiancee that I had a son. He was born to a woman I met twice before we started dating. When I found out I had a son, when I was about 3 years into our relationship. I told one person, and no one else for three years...

So about a month ago, she comes to me and says that while I was visiting my brother in California, she slept with her old boyfriend (5 years ago). My response was that it was a mistake, and lets move on.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I came clean with her. Said I had a kid, pay child support, just laid it all out there. I've since met with her parents, she's let all of her friends know, and we're trying to move forward. I'm scared to death of losing her but understand that it's a lot of baggage to give to someone.

So have any of you been in this situation? We're still planning on a wedding, but she says there are trust issues. Any recommendations of how to rebuild that trust?

Thanks.

 
Old 08-06-2008, 09:41 AM   #2
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

How old are you??? I would put the wedding on hold and get some counseling!!! Do you have any kind of relationship with your child? If not, why not? there is nothing worse than forcing yourself or her into a bad relationship that is going to end in divorce.. better to put things in perspective right now...

good luck...

 
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Old 08-06-2008, 11:06 AM   #3
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

I have to agree with Jinxy285. It seems like you both have issues that you both need to resolve. Her sleeping with an ex boyfriend tells me that she is not ready for a committed relationship yet, or did she do this 5 years ago and just told you about it a month ago? Then you have been hiding the fact about your son, who you pay child support for. You both need to step back and decide if you are ready for marriage yet.

You both need to talk about all of your issues at length. My wife and I had some issues almost a year ago and we talked them out for several months, sometimes nearly every day. We finally got them resolved after hundreds of hours of talking.

 
Old 08-06-2008, 12:10 PM   #4
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

I'm 39 and she's 26. We've had a solid relationship and I don't think we've ever had a bad argument.

We have already seen a counselor and plan to continue to see them individually, with each other, and with her parents.

As far as my involvement with my son, I just met him for the first time 2 weeks ago. Aside from child support, I have not been involved in the past. This is changing now, and I'm working with the mom to schedule visits (I have another tomorrow).

 
Old 08-06-2008, 02:59 PM   #5
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

First off... why are her parents involved in your couples counseling??? Second of all you better be sure that your wife to be is ok with the new addition to your life, ie your son, becuase dispite what you see on Oprah and Tyra, not all women are the nurturing type when it comes to another womans child... I dont care how much she loves you or claims to love you, the proof is in the pudding when your son stays with you for a weekend and does the typical stuff kids, esp boys, do and not to mention the fact that he may resent another woman trying to mother him that is not his mother... believe me I know from experience it can get ugly... you have a lot of crap going on now, put the wedding on hold until everything is stable again... if that happens....

another question!??? You say you have never had a bad argument... I am not sure that is a good thing... typically that means someone is holding back what they feel to try and apease the other person... Not good... a feastering boil waiting to explode....

Money is another question here... Who has more? If you can pay your child support without your fiance knowing aboout it I assume you make a decent amount of cash$$$ Once you are married and she owns half your stuff, she may not be as understanding as she has been up to now....

good luck!!!>>>.

Last edited by Jinxy285; 08-06-2008 at 03:03 PM.

 
Old 08-06-2008, 05:08 PM   #6
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

Just curious, did the woman who had your child not tell you for 3 years on purpose?

 
Old 08-07-2008, 06:31 AM   #7
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeamTwin View Post
We have already seen a counselor and plan to continue to see them individually, with each other, and with her parents.
In my opinion there is something wrong with this.......it's kinda sick and twisted to have her parents in on counselling with the two of you.
Is there a problem with her cutting the apron strings?
Don't you see this as a little abnormal?

 
Old 08-07-2008, 07:43 AM   #8
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

Sorry, but I have to agree with Rose and Jinxy. I know from my own experience and that of others that parental involvement on either side, can destroy a relationship. If her family is the type that feel like they should always remain first and foremost as the core family, and those who marry into the family come second, it can be a real nightmare.

If she needs her parents approval for everything and/or feels it is her duty or responsibility to make them happy, even at her own expense, it will destroy her. It almost destroyed my husband.

Please consider these things, long and hard before making this kind of commitment. I'm not saying you should end the relationship. Just make sure these issues, as well as your new parental responsibility, are resolved before you take the next step.

I wish you the best of luck.

 
Old 08-07-2008, 10:19 AM   #9
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Re: I dropped a bomb...

Yeah, her parents being involved in your relationship issues is just over the top. My husband and I do not discuss our relationship woes with our parents and for very good reason. Some things are private and should remain that way. If her parents are involved in your "couples" counselling what is to stop them from interfering with every aspect of your life? That is a disaster waiting to happen and this is the first thing you need to address. If she has to do everything with her parents involved then I would run now because if you marry and then get divorced (which will happen if her parents know your every move) you will pay a much higher price.

Now, you both made mistakes. You should put your wedding on hold until you work past them entirely. I think it's wonderful that you two are both so adamant about working through it. But on the off chance one of you doesn't get past this you are better off not getting married. Marriage shouldn't start off on the wrong foot.

My brother was in a very similar situation to you where he didn't know he had a daughter until she was 3 years old. His ex purposely hid it from him because she wanted to marry the guy she was cheating on my brother with and passed it off as his (she's a gem!). From the day he found out he made every effort to be in her life and do the right thing by her. I'm not judging you in any way, I'm just telling you that there have been others in similar situations finding out all of a sudden they have a child.

The best thing for you to do is really think about whether or not you are ready to be married and you are ready to deal with such hands on inlaws. You need to establish boundaries NOW! You also both need to learn how to work on communicating to eachother. You both need to learn how to be honest about everything, even if it leads to an argument. Most importantly though, postpone the wedding until you are able to put all of this to rest.

 
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