So here's the story...I creeped a girl out early 2002. We both went to the same school, but didn't know one another in person. I did notice her around campus, though, and knew her name since we had a class together. I liked her. Being a shy guy, I chatted with her on AIM using an anonymous account. This continued for a few weeks until one day I really freaked her out. I don't want to get into details about what was said, but just know that it was enough to stop all communication. I don't remember for sure, but in the final conversation I might've said my real name and who I am. I do regret what I said to cause this, and have since moved on. I have not told anyone about this.
The reason I'm telling this story is because of this: my former college roommate is having a going-away party since he will be leaving the country. One of his friends happens to be the best friend of this girl. This girl will be attending the party. I was originally planning on going until I found out she would be there. What I don't want to happen is for both of us to attend and then she recognizes me and calls me out in front of all of my friends. Yes, what I did was that embarrassing. I have lost about 30 pounds since the incident and have aged 6 years, so I do look a bit different, so I don't know if she would recognize me at all. I'm not even sure she knew who I was 6 years ago.
So what would you all suggest I do? I can try to talk to her before the party and clear the air. I could just go and hope she doesn't recognize me. Or I could just not go, for the "just in case" factor.
I agree with Rose. It's hard to tell you not to go or not to clear the air with her when we have no idea how bad it really was. Thing is, it probably isn't near the big deal you are making it out to be. If you want to share, we want to hear.
You say you have lost 30 pounds since the incident. I hope you haven't lost them because of the incident.
I sort of agree with Mileena: you could be making a mountain of a molehill here.
This is going to be a party. If she recognizes you (and there's a chance she will), I don't think she will make a scandal out of it or make fun of you. That would be very embarrassing for her in the first place. Why would she spoil the party of someone else?
I don't have any idea (like the others) of what you told her, but I don't think it was plainly offensive. Maybe it was a declaration that made you look somewhat ridiculous or something. Anyway, it was long ago, you were young people, and certainly this is of little importance for her now.
I think you should go to the party. He is your friend. You could try and talk to her before, but I really don't think this is essential. Bringing up this issue again may be like adding injury to insult, if you see what I mean. Go and act naturally.
I would say the incident contributed to the weight loss, but wasn't the sole factor. That whole period of my life was a low point. The good thing about it though, is that it is when I started working out and taking my health more seriously. I ended up going to the gym regularly that summer, which helped a lot in making myself feel better.
Okay, so as for what I said... Please keep in mind this was at a low and desperate point in life. The gist of it is me saying I'm going to kill myself (not in those exact words). If I recall correctly, she thought I meant I was threatening to harm her. As you can imagine, this all went horribly wrong afterward and we never talked since. I've tried my best to forget this ever happened because it's definitely not something I'm proud of nor wish to remember. I also no longer have those depressing thoughts and am in no danger to myself or others.
As for this current situation, I don't think she would make a scene about it, but what I'm worried is that she would tell her friends, who would tell their friends, which would eventually get around to my friends. I am sure she has told her friends about the incident, but I doubt any of them know who I am since we do run in different circles of friends. That is, unless she recognizes me at the party...
This is just something I'm very embarrassed over and wish no one would ever find out. You know, that secret from your past that you hope to keep hidden forever. I've never told anyone about it nor does anyone even know that we sort of 'know' (I use that term very loosely) each other.
I think you've been spending a lot more time thinking about this whole ordeal than she is. I'd be surprised if she has given it more than a second thought in the last 6 years or whatever since it happened. I'm sure you're worrying about it way too much and she won't even remember the thing happened.
That's why I don't think you should bring it up. She's probably forgotten about it so for you to bring it up wouldn't be a good idea!
Obviously this is still a huge issue for you otherwise we wouldn’t be discussing it on heath boards and without knowing all the details of the conversation you had with this girl its hard to give any helpful impute. I can guarantee you that her friends already know all about you but at this point might not have put two and two together in regards to who you actually are. This party is definitely going to change that. My only advice to you if you really want to go to this party is attempted to play it off as a joke. Who cares what her friends think? And if one of your friends mentions it I would tell them that you were talking a lot of smack and she freaked out about it. Let them know that it wasn’t anything serious and that you were just messing around with her.
If you did attempt to threaten her in anyway then I would personally not attend the party. Even though she may have taken you too seriously in the conversations that you were having she has every right to protect herself not only emotionally but also physically.
But I also think Kzan has a point. Its possible she doesn’t remember you and you could be dwelling over this for nothing. Or possible she lives in fear of you and seeing you could be emotionally draining on her
Ok, do you think that if you managed to talk to her privately at the party or before the party to apologize, to explain what you really meant with your words, to clear the air between you and her, etc, she would listen to you and give you some credit? If this would make you feel relieved, then go for it. However, there is always the risk that she might think you are talking nonsense, that that was no big deal at all, that you are overdoing it and still stuck in the past. So this is your dilemma.
You want this secret to remain a secret. It is your right, but are you sure it is still a secret? I still think you looking at this through magnifying lenses. Remember that we all do and say foolish things at least at some point of our lives. It is dwelling on them that really make them a stygma.
Anyway, in case of doubt, don't go. You will feel sorry for losing the opportunity to be on that special party, but this is the price of your safety. Yet, this implies that you will have to avoid her for the rest of your life or for as long as you stay in the same city. How does this appeal to you? Wouldn't it be better to risk now than to keep fearing this encounter in the unpredictable future?
And what kind of excuse are you giving your friend for not coming? Will you tell him the truth?
Nah, I definitely did not threaten her. To be honest, I don't remember exactly what was said anymore, it's been too long plus I've tried to forget about the whole thing. It's only when I saw her name on the invitation did I start thinking about this all again.
It's hard to say what would happen if I tried to talk to her about it. I definitely would feel relieved I guess, assuming she doesn't freak out, which is the scenario that's making me hesitant.
At the moment I am leaning towards not going. I don't really have a problem avoiding her forever. I mean this is the first time in 6 years that this situation's even come up. I'm almost positive no one I know personally knows about this situation. And as far as I know we don't live in the same town; college was about 1 hour away from where I currently live. Maybe the next time this situation arises I'll feel more comfortable about owning up to my mistakes. As for what I'd tell my friend, I definitely wouldn't tell him the truth. I think saying something simple like "something came up" would suffice and I could make it up to him another time.
here's a twist....if you do decide to go and she says something you could turn it around and say "what? what the heck are you talking about.....you must have me confused with someone else......I never said/did that"
deny deny deny......there is no proof, and if she attempts to embarass you, she will end up being the one embarassed.