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Old 08-07-2008, 11:59 AM   #1
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Thoughts please???

I've been dating a guy since April. I knew him previously as his best friend and I are good college friends (so we have a lot of mutual buds). Anyhow, he's leaving the end of August to pursue his PhD in NY (I am in NC). We usually spend at least 2-3 days a week together and lately he has been working 12 hr shifts to save $ for NY (I understand). He still texts/calls me every day, but I haven't seen him in a week. I understand he's very busy with work, however when I talked to him earlier today and asked if he was working this weekend, he said every day but Sunday and he's probably going fishing. I am trying very hard to be an understanding gf b/c I have a million things on my plate too, but I'm starting to wonder wth is going on. I know he needs to relax and all, but we haven't seen each other in a WEEK. I didn't complain about it or anything, so he doesn't even know I feel frustrated. Some guy friends of mine say he's just testing me to see if I'm gonna be clingy, which I'm far from. This being said, he's leaving very soon for NY. We have yet to discuss if we'll maintain a long distance relationship. I know he's serious about me, but part of me says this is BS. If he's leaving soon he shouldn't want to go fishing, he should wanna hang with me. Or maybe he's thinking it won't work? I just hate to bring this up. He's moving so shouldn't he bring it up? I am almost ready to tell him this doesn't work for me, but we're so compatible in areas (politically, traditionally, morally) that I've never been with anyone else. Anyway-if anyone has ideas on what could be going on in his head and what you think I should do, please submit!! Thanks so much

 
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Old 08-07-2008, 12:11 PM   #2
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Re: Thoughts please???

I think you should ask him all these questions. If you have been best friends and known each other a long time, you should be comfortable enough to ask him. You don't have to act clingy or needy, you can calmly ask him these questions. He should have no problem answering them, right?

 
Old 08-07-2008, 12:17 PM   #3
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Re: Thoughts please???

We're not best friends (although I would hope eventually we would be). His best friend and I are good friends. We met through him. I would like to ask him these questions, but don't wanna make myself vunerable if that makes sense. And I would hate to ask via text or phone conversation, ya know?

 
Old 08-07-2008, 02:19 PM   #4
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Re: Thoughts please???

I'm a little confused here. You've been dating since April. So you've obviously spent time together and shown each other that you have feelings for each other. Is there something you're afraid of? Why do you feel the need to "play it cool"? Do you feel like you have to pretend that this relationship is no big deal? Has he stated that he doesn't want to have a relationship, or doesn't want to get serious with anyone? I'm just not understanding why you "don't want to make yourself vulnerable". It sounds like you are unsure of where you stand in this relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't have this hesitation to simply ask him these questions.

You say you "know he's serious about me". How do you know? Has he told you? If so, I really don't understand your reluctance. When you are in a "serious" relationship, you shouldn't be afraid to ask simple questions like the ones you have. How else will you know?

Maybe you can call him and suggest getting together (don't say "we need to talk"). Then when you see him, ask him if he intends to continue the relationship long distance, and if he plans to spend time with you before he goes. I don't think these are "clingy, needy" questions but simply that you want and need answers so you know where you stand.

 
Old 08-07-2008, 06:25 PM   #5
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Re: Thoughts please???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
I'm a little confused here. You've been dating since April. So you've obviously spent time together and shown each other that you have feelings for each other. Is there something you're afraid of? Why do you feel the need to "play it cool"? Do you feel like you have to pretend that this relationship is no big deal? Has he stated that he doesn't want to have a relationship, or doesn't want to get serious with anyone? I'm just not understanding why you "don't want to make yourself vulnerable". It sounds like you are unsure of where you stand in this relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't have this hesitation to simply ask him these questions.

You say you "know he's serious about me". How do you know? Has he told you? If so, I really don't understand your reluctance. When you are in a "serious" relationship, you shouldn't be afraid to ask simple questions like the ones you have. How else will you know?

Maybe you can call him and suggest getting together (don't say "we need to talk"). Then when you see him, ask him if he intends to continue the relationship long distance, and if he plans to spend time with you before he goes. I don't think these are "clingy, needy" questions but simply that you want and need answers so you know where you stand.
I am actually not very good at opening up to people-that's why I don't wanna feel vulnerable. I have been told that I have relationship qualities similar to a guy in the sense I am pretty aloof. He knows how I feel, but he just doesn't know how much I feel for him. If a guy knows he has a hold on you, he will take you for granted and that's the end. At least that is how I perceive it. Sooo, he has told me that he's serious about me. He's very good to me-very much a gentleman. Until this week when I haven't seen him. I guess I'm just scared to have the conversation and would rather him bring it up. I have been the clingy girl in the past (abt 5 yrs ago) and don't want him to think that I'm trying to push him into anything. He is the one that expressed he wanted to be exclusive to begin with though, so maybe I'm just a little afraid he could have changed his mind for some odd reason. Sorry if I'm not making sense. Have not been sleeping well the past couple nites so it's possible I am delirious

 
Old 08-07-2008, 06:36 PM   #6
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Re: Thoughts please???

What if he never brings it up? Do you want to let him go to NY without knowing where the two of you stand? I think you're afraid if you ask for what you want he'll leave. Well, if he'll leave over something so trivial he wouldn't be worth it, right?

Think it about it this way...what if he acted the way you do? How would you know how he felt about you? Don't you want him to know you care? And I don't believe that if a guy knows you love him he'll automatically take advantage. Again, if he did that he wouldn't be worth it.

I personally would want to know, and it sounds like if he doesn't happen to bring it up, and you are afraid to, you'll never know. You need to decide how much you want to know where you stand, and if you do, you will probably need to ask.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 02:26 AM   #7
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Re: Thoughts please???

I subscribe to what Redneon is saying. I am of the opinion that you should ask him. He is being somewhat evasive, you know, playing hard to get. Maybe he is waiting for you to come up to him and ask. Somehow he seems to have put aside his gentlemanlike ways. This may be not entirely fair, but let's say these are the whims of love. Next time around it will be your turn, if you see what I mean. So, forget your pride and aloofness and ask him. I don't think this is about showing vulnerability, but if you think it is: What is really so bad about feeling vulnerable now and then? Then you will feel stronger again. It comes and goes. By asking you will have more chances to know what is going on in his mind. You are trying to guess too much, speculating too much, projecting too much. Get the facts please and go from there.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 05:34 AM   #8
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Re: Thoughts please???

Thanx so much guys Certainly makes sense. I am going to see him tonight, so hopefully I can get all my words right and not make him defensive (I am pretty direct for the most part). Your thoughts have really helped!! Thanks again

 
Old 08-08-2008, 12:15 PM   #9
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Re: Thoughts please???

I agree that you need to get it out in the open. You deserve to know either way where you stand. I know it's hard to open up, but with more practice it will get easier. Any woman (or man for that matter) in your position would want to know the same thing.

 
Old 08-09-2008, 11:16 AM   #10
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Re: Thoughts please???

i read a book the other day about this very thing. If a guy knows that you are uncomfortable with the relationship, then he knows how to make you feel confident and if you are insecure , then he's not that into the person. You can drive yourself crazy assuming anything. I say go with your instincts and see what happens. He may be wanting space now. I say whaterever happens is the best for both of you. I also feels that he knows if you are the one or not.The relationship is supposed to be easy for both of you with no guessing. It's not supposed to be hard work at all.

Last edited by kilgore52; 08-09-2008 at 11:17 AM.

 
Old 08-09-2008, 12:47 PM   #11
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Re: Thoughts please???

Dear pisces82.

Did you get this resolved by now? I sure hope so because you both seem like worthy people.

Tell me if I got it wrong: What I see is that you have dated someone for only a little over three months, he texted/called you every day, he plans to leave in three weeks, and you may not see him for one week because he wants to relax on his day off by going fishing. That seems to you like "something is going on". Right?

If this is what you are saying, I think you are clingy. It seems like because he saw you 2-3 times a week in the past that in your mind you made it a requirement.

If you are feeling insecure in this relatively brand new relationship because he wants one week to himself, how can he or you have freedom to be together other times out of just wanting to?

Maybe he is distancing himself, getting ready for the reality that he will not be able to see you so often. Maybe he needs space to think over what you really mean to him and what he wants for his future. People need time to themselves and we can't dictate when that will be.

Intimate relationships do require work, esp. on ourselves...whether one feels that is hard or not depends on the individual. If it feels hard, probably better coping skills need to be learned so that we can allow others to be the individuals they are with their own needs.

Last edited by friendlione; 08-09-2008 at 12:50 PM. Reason: corrected my spelling

 
Old 08-10-2008, 11:15 AM   #12
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Re: Thoughts please???

Well, pisces, I too would like to know what happened with your talk with him. You have a right to know whether you're in a relationship or not, for goodness sakes!! He's leaving for school to another state and he hasn't even said "well, this is how I see our relationship working once I'm gone. We can email, phone, I could drive/fly down, you could drive/fly up, how would you feel about that?" Any man who truly is into you at all would have done that by now.

He may have said he wanted to be exclusive and that he was "serious" about you, but that was before. Feelings change, and even a marriage license is little more than a pie crust promise these days, easily made, easily broken. Just because he's serious today doesn't mean he will be tomorrow.

Anyway, simply asking "how do you see our relationship working when you leave?" is not being clingy or making yourself vunerable. It's simply asking where you stand, and you absolutely have a right to know that much. I knew a guy who claimed to love his girlfriend very much, she was everything he wanted, she would make a great wife, etc etc. but he complained that h felt he "had" to spend the weekends with her, entertain her, etc when he just wanted to do his own thing on the weekend, which usually included sleeping with other women. Well, he met someone else and then broke up with her, and with the new woman, he couldn't wait till the weekend so he could spend every moment from 5pm friday to 8am Monday morning with her. He also saw her during the week as much as he possibly could. He treated her with a reverence and respect he never treated the other girl with. He even spoke to her with a different tone. A man doesn't mind spending time with someone he's really into.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-10-2008 at 11:20 AM.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 08:50 PM   #13
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Angry Re: Thoughts please???

Update: He was supposed to let me know his schedule Friday, but waited until around 2pm. I got an invite for Charleston (beach) and decided to go since I hadn't heard from him at that point and had sent a msg asking him when we were getting together. He finally sent me a msg and I told him not to worry about it, I was going to Charleston for the weekend. In the meantime I checked my msgs and noticed that a particular best girl friend of his posted a comment I felt was crossing the line (Hello! I love you.) She had posted a comment a few weeks back that I felt also crossed the line (sounded like she was dating him) and I didn't bring it up hoping it would be a one time occurence. I think he was already upset (not sure) about me leaving so last minute, but I really felt that I needed to get away for the weekend. I called him out on the comment saying I really didn't appreciate a comment his friend left and it was not friendship only appropriate. He was defensive and said that I had no right to get mad about it, that they have love, respect and trust for each other which comes from going through hell (getting a masters)together, but that they are neither in love with each other, they just love each other. Now, I have tons of male friends, but would never go around posting things of the sort for everyone to see, easpecially knowing he has a gf. I'm not sure of her motives since I have never met her, but they don't seem well intentioned. I told him fine, that I was done and over it. Not sure how he took it, but assuming from a msg he sent the next day he just figured I was over the issue. I never responded until today when i was coming back to ask him what he was up to. No response. I asked a couple hrs later if he was ignoring me. No response, so obviously he is. I get on to check mail and get an update that he is "moving this week and the best way to reach him is his cell." At this point I feel so frustrated, but also think he's probably trying to test me to see if I'm looking at his page and whatnot. Updates appear when you log in, so that is not necessarily the case. Sooo, I have not heard from him. I know he has to actually pack before moving, so I assume he is probably going this weekend. It is very inconsiderate how he is acting. How can you get mad at me for how I feel and tell me I shouldn't be??? That makes me livid! And better yet, he didn't even tell me when he was leaving. Does he plan on just leaving without any sort of discussion? I hate to tell him we need to talk, but we certainly do. This is way out of hand now. You all have been most helpful, so please tell me what I should do. I am so confused I don't know what to do or if he's even worth it at this point. I'm also beating myself up for not being more open and leaving this weekend. Ehh! Thx!

Last edited by moderator2; 08-11-2008 at 05:13 AM. Reason: posted disallowed website(s)

 
Old 08-11-2008, 07:24 AM   #14
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Re: Thoughts please???

I can understand a female friend telling a guy that she loves him if they've just talked about something real heavy or he's going through something heavy, but just simply "hello, I love you!! " Uh, no. That dog wouldn't hunt with me, either. And any man who would get mad at me for calling him on it would soooooooo be history.

And to asnwer your question, yes. It does definitely sound like he's planning on leaving without talking to you. It sounds like that was his plan all along, to just disappear into the woodwork and never contact you again. It's clear he has no problem with upsetting you, or with disappointing you. It even sounds like he's trying to chase you away so he can make a clean break. What should you do about it? Let him go. He's just not that into you and all the talking and hashing out in the world won't make him into you. Any more time spent on him is time wasted. Believe me, he doesn't care that you went away. My guess is he acted upset to make you think that's why, but you told us he was acting strange and distant long before that. Some guy who is moving to another state this week and hasn't even bothered to discuss what will happen with your relationship once he goes isn't worth all this drama, seriously. Let him go.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 11:53 AM   #15
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Re: Thoughts please???

Thanks LarryLou's mom. I called him today as I just wanted peace and closure. He answered like nothing had happened. Basically said he was surprised to hear from me after I was giving him the silent treatment for 2 days. Seemed upset about it. I told him we needed to clear the air and asked him if we could get together. He is leaving Friday for NY, so he said he would let me know. Of course this did not set well with me since he couldn't tell me when. So we hashed it out over the phone. Basically, we're done. I cannot deal with someone who acts this way. He's a gentleman, but once scared runs away and pushes me away. He's a nice guy-needs help in the relationship department. I feel ok about it. Immediately deleted all msgs from him so I won't be tempted to get all girly-depressed I'm looking forward to the future. Thanks everyone for your advice!!

 
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