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Old 08-08-2008, 05:49 PM   #1
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people and 'issues'

does anyone ever come across people telling them 'don't date me because i have issues with commitment'?

what the hell does that even mean? doesnt everyone have issues? hasn't everyone been hurt before, or been the hurter? why do people say this?

are they giving you fair warning that they are a jerk and you should stay far far away?

and do you proceed with someone when they say this? i just dont understand why people get so afraid of commitment.

 
Old 08-08-2008, 07:06 PM   #2
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Re: people and 'issues'

I'd take it as a warning. Yes, everyone has baggage but it takes some time to work through the past and through the baggage and you maybe meeting people right as they are going through this "period". I'm 29 and noticed all the time these days. I guess the older we get the more issues we accumulate..nice. I always thought it would get easier, but it seems to have only got more complicaed. Some people move on from past issues, others I have found never do. SO unless you want to deal with all their issues in the new relationship then I wouldn't even go there. Right now, I actually have become one of those people. My ex boyfriend is trying to get back with me. I am still unsure. I have new people I have met and want to date but I don't feel it is fair to date anyone until I work out these issues in my heart and in my head. Its only fair to myself and my future guy. I want a relationship that is fresh and I know that if I'm still bitter from previous relationships then the new one is not going to work as well. Some people need time to be single again, to re-group, and re-focus. Relationships, especially hard/bad ones can drain you emotionally, mentally, and worst of all spiritually. So yes, take it as a warning. Give people who tell you that time to breathe. Maybe they will come back around but if you are ready for full commitment with someone then find someone on the same page as you...otherwise, you're setting yourself up for difficulties. Remember, we all have our own timeframe getting over things. You may have left your issues in the past and baggage behind but sometimes others never do. Find someone more like you

 
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Old 08-09-2008, 12:17 AM   #3
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Re: people and 'issues'

That's just a take on the old standard "it's not you, it's me." It just means he doesn't see you as relationship material and is trying to let you down gently.

 
Old 08-09-2008, 12:28 AM   #4
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Re: people and 'issues'

I have to disagree with Larry Lou on this one for the first time ever Although she could be right and some people use it as an easy way to let you down I do beleive that it can be true for some as well. I know thats how I am at the moment. It does not matter who came along right now...I am dealing with past issues and working on myself to build a better me so I can have a healthy long lasting relationship in the future. I feel that if "Mr Right" is in my life right now or comes along very soon that he will respect what I am working through and be there when I'm ready. For me its not an excuse. It is reality.

Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 08-09-2008 at 12:28 AM.

 
Old 08-09-2008, 12:42 AM   #5
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Re: people and 'issues'

Well yes, I think there are times when the timing is just off. And you would explain that to a potential suitor that you thought would be right for you once you get your stuff sorted out. But I think you'd explain to him what you're going through and you're not in a place to commit to anything heavy right now. but you wouldn't tell them something like "Don't date me!!" or something similar to send them away for good, would you? Because that would send me away for good. I figure he knows him much better than I know him. If he's telling me he's just gone through something and is still working out stuff and is not ready to jump into anything, but cares for me and wants to keep seeing me, I might take a chance on him, but if he just flat out said "oh, don't date me, I can't commit!!" I would add the unspoke "to you" on the end where it belongs and walk away and not look back. Why waste time? But I'm in a different place in life than you are I guess, EG. I'm still going through stuff myself, but I tell you, if the right man came along, I'd get over it and jump on it!! Life's too short and opportunities for love are way too far and few between.

 
Old 08-09-2008, 05:51 PM   #6
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Re: people and 'issues'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
That's just a take on the old standard "it's not you, it's me." It just means he doesn't see you as relationship material and is trying to let you down gently.

I pretty much agree with this....
and also they're giving you fair warning so when they screw up later, it's not their fault, it's your fault......you shoulda listened to them.
when a man tells you something like this you have to listen and take it at face value.....you're not that special that you're going to make him change his mind......and I don't mean you in particular, I mean any of us in this situation.....
don't fall for it
it's upfront manipulation while getting your permission to treat you with less respect than you deserve

 
Old 08-09-2008, 11:35 PM   #7
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Re: people and 'issues'

i guess that may be true, some people may not just have enough guts to say 'hey i dont want to date you'.

i just find it bizarre that people think they will have an issue-free life?

i just honestly think you will never be perfect and ready for a relationship. you just take the risk, and step forward.

but there are those people that NEVER move on from the past, it is sad, and ive noticed those are ALWAYS the people that wont get help or talk it out. they just would rather remain...broken?

broken people...just break other people. yes, when i hear this again... i will definitely tread lightly or turn away all together.

i ALSO think it means 'hey if i mess you up after this relationship, you cant blame me, cause i gave you fair warning' kinda an insurance on their part.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 08:16 AM   #8
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Re: people and 'issues'

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
and also they're giving you fair warning so when they screw up later, it's not their fault, it's your fault......you shoulda listened to them.
when a man tells you something like this you have to listen and take it at face value.....you're not that special that you're going to make him change his mind......and I don't mean you in particular, I mean any of us in this situation.....
don't fall for it
it's upfront manipulation while getting your permission to treat you with less respect than you deserve
Bingo! I agree with this 100%. It's his way of having his butt covered when something goes down. After all, how can he be at fault for whatever when he warned you upfront that he has "committment issues"?

It is a form of manipulation and by entering into a relationship with him you are allowing a dynamic of subpar treatment. You will constantly be battling for the respect you know you deserve and your self esteem will take a huge beating. This is the type of person you want to stear clear from.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 12:21 AM   #9
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Re: people and 'issues'

i totally agree... time to stay away from these people.

i just seem to ALWAYS find these people? is there a way to avoid this?

its just frustrating. i definitely know men DONT change and have learned the hard way.

its hard to find a good seed these days!

 
Old 08-11-2008, 09:05 AM   #10
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Re: people and 'issues'

I think if someone really wants to be with you and care for you they would say, "I have issues, but I really like you and want to make things work -- let's work this out together." The fact that they say they have "issues" does sound like it is up front manipulation as rosequartz said.

Personally, if I found someone that I was sure that I really connected with and could see myself having a future with them, I sure as heck would not send them back out into the dating pool! I mean, you [they] are letting the other person go to date others who may also have long-term potential ruining any real chances of being together with them in the long-run (it doesn't always work that way but some people say, "I can't wait around for you to be ready" or if they don't verbalize it, they may think of you as their back-up plan). That said, if someone tells you they have "issues" up front and do not wish to discuss how they would affect your relationship, then it sounds like they do not foresee a long-lasting relationship.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 09:23 AM   #11
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Re: people and 'issues'

Depends.. is this person saying this to you on the first date in conversation? It could be they simply KNOW they have problems with being in a relationship.. ie... calling.. being there for you....wanting something in the future..etc... OR.. if you're in a relationship with this person and they are throwing this at you, it could be they are using it as an excuse.... If a person really means that.. and they are telling you that.. thenPAY ATTENTION..... when a person tells you "how they are".... they mean it. Old adage.. it's not what they say it's what they do... SO TRUE.... BUT... make an exception when someone tells you something negative about themselves... they are telling you what they know about themselves and consider it a warning. I can't tell you how many woman I know heard "I'm a real jerk" from a man... and they always turned out to be one.

Last edited by cathy1; 08-11-2008 at 09:23 AM.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 06:46 AM   #12
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Re: people and 'issues'

Yeah, I went out with a guy once who told me on the first date "I'm not a nice guy, so if you're looking for a nice guy, I'm not him." I said "well, isn't everyone looking for a nice guy?" I knew then and there that we would not have a second date. When someone comes right out and tells you "I'm a jerk/I'm not a nice guy/I can't commit/I don't want a relationship" some women take it as a challenge, but that always turns out to be a stupid mistake. When someone tells you who they are, you should always listen.

 
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