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Old 08-10-2008, 12:23 AM   #1
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Contact with abusive ex bf after 5yrs of not seeing him

I received a email in dec from my ex. He sent me a christmas card. We hadn't talked in a yr and haven't seen each other in 5 yrs. He is divorced. He moved to another state and has been living there 2+ yrs. He recently hurt his back and was in a wheel chair for several months, now he is driving again but has been unemployed for several months and requires surgery. He said he had been thinking about our friendship after we broke up 7 yrs ago and he wanted closure. He had asked me back out. but due the fact i have a child now and the child is not his and my son's father does not like my ex either . I don't want to endanger my child b/c i don't trust him. Although i prefer to keep boundry's of online/ texting communication. He knows where i live b/c i still live in the house i was living in while we were dating. He hasn't been abusive to me since Dec when we got back in contact, although i haven't been contacting him, he always contacts me, which doesn't bother me. But he is still the same person he was 7 yrs ago. He asked me to have lunch with him when he visits in two weeks. A part of me don't trust the situation, i've known this guy since i was 17 and i don't know the man he is today. He wanted to apologize to my father and mother for what he did yrs ago and i said for my sake, leave them alone. I was proud of myself and my father was proud of me. But my father asked me if he did a 360 and was a changed man would i take him back . i said no. i don't know if he was testing me. I feel that we have too much history together. That would be like me taking my son's father back, we have too much history as well. I prefer to be single right now b/c i'm having issues with my sister, working on my self confidence, controlling my aniexty and panic attacks with medication and i've been in counseling for almost a yr. My counsloer knows i've been talking to him and we have been working on distancing myself and being civil when he texts/ emails me. As well as my son's father i'm doing the same thing. I let my sons father see my son when ever he asks. I know that this is not healthy, but i feel in time when my ex goes back to being on the rd at his truck driving job and my son's father moves to a different state in march 09 things will be easier. I plan to go back to college in Jan 09. I hope to meet a nice man or make some friends at least.

Last edited by moderator2; 08-10-2008 at 05:22 AM. Reason: posted disallowed website(s)

 
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Old 08-10-2008, 07:13 AM   #2
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Re: Contact with abusive ex bf after 5yrs of not seeing him

I have an abusive ex who tried to contact me about a year after we quit speaking. Do you want to know what I did about it? Nothing. I didn't write him back, I changed my email address, and I never heard from him again. It's been about 5 years since that happened. Thankfully he got the message.

I don't understand why you feel compelled to reply to him at all. You said yourself that you know he hasn't changed, and he has still been abusive toward you as recently as December. That, to me, would mean that he's not worth your time or effort to ever speak to again? So, what's keeping you from cutting him out of your life, as you should have when you first broke up with him?

It sounds like you have enough of your own problems in your life, between your son's father and your panic attacks, you really don't need this ex of yours in your life making things even more complicated.

I think you should just stop communicating. There's no point? Why be friends with someone who abused you? It doesn't even make logical sense. He had his chance to treat you with respect and be nice to you once, back when you were dating. But he couldn't even do that much. Now you were nice enough to talk to him again, and he still treated you as badly as before. There's no point in continuing this communication with him, now. He has proven himself totally unworthy of your time and effort. Cut him off and don't ever speak to him again. Don't ever let a man treat you that way again, because it's up to you how much you are willing to put up with in your life. And you were very smart to break up with him. So, follow through and cut him out of your life completely.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 03:12 PM   #3
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Re: Contact with abusive ex bf after 5yrs of not seeing him

i think you miss understood he hasn't been abusive to me since he contacted me in Dec. The weird thing is we don't get along in a relationship, yet we get along as friends. He is civil to me and has not abused me at all in the past months since we started talking again. Yet his actions towards other people have not changed at all is what i'm say. but in no way am i even taking him back. i don't mind keeping in contact with him, he doesn't bother me, i wasn't asking for advice, just sharing my experience.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 06:42 AM   #4
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Re: Contact with abusive ex bf after 5yrs of not seeing him

Quote:
Originally Posted by patteecake View Post
i think you miss understood he hasn't been abusive to me since he contacted me in Dec. The weird thing is we don't get along in a relationship, yet we get along as friends. He is civil to me and has not abused me at all in the past months since we started talking again. Yet his actions towards other people have not changed at all is what i'm say. but in no way am i even taking him back. i don't mind keeping in contact with him, he doesn't bother me, i wasn't asking for advice, just sharing my experience.

how could this be misunderstood.....he hasn't abused you since the last time he contacted you......if you haven't seen him since, he couldn't have abused you since.....
don't waste your time......what are you even thinking?

 
Old 08-11-2008, 10:04 AM   #5
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Re: Contact with abusive ex bf after 5yrs of not seeing him

Nope.. Don't meet him. If I were you.. even without knowing the details... I'd cut off all contact with him. Period. If he wants to make ammends.. tell him to put it in writing and email it to you. Then DROP IT and stop contact. You don't go into details about this man... but I would NOT open that door and let him in my life at all.

Last edited by cathy1; 08-11-2008 at 10:07 AM.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 10:18 AM   #6
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Re: Contact with abusive ex bf after 5yrs of not seeing him

You are not tied to this old abusive guy for any reason so why are you still talking with him? you have choices and you choose to keep in touch so what can we say to change that? It is not healthy to keep in touch with someone like that and who cares if HE wants closure...that isn't your problem. Stop all this and if he calls your parents then let your parents handle him their way...your dad sounds capable of telling him to stop. Do not go to lunch or anything else with him. I'm just mystified you allow him to phone...let him go and tell him to never call again...or do you like going to therapy.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 11:20 AM   #7
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Re: Contact with abusive ex bf after 5yrs of not seeing him

A couple years after my abusive ex and I broke up he contacted me on that space website... and for some reason it amused me. I didn't care about him AT ALL, I was just curious at the time about what he had been up to. I was also at the time in a serious relationship and still am. Well we chatted maybe once or twice and after that it dawned on me- what the hell was I doing? Why K.I.T.? He abused the hell out of me, helped make me VERY insecure, made me question when is the ball going to drop about everything good that ever happens in my life?, he made me just a paranoid person. So I cancelled my space and that was it. No more contact.

A year & 1/2 after talking to my ex I have dreams I get to tell him how awful of a person he really was, how evil and sadistic he is, how ugly of a person he really is to me now and how his mind is totally warped. But I won't even GO THERE in real life! Because i'm sure karma has come back around to him for not only the evil things he did to me, but the way he treated other people.

If he ever contacted me and asked me to lunch I would be appalled. He treated me lesser than a dog. Why would a good person like me even THINK ABOUT letting a wicked person like him in my life again? That's like not being ashamed of asking for more abuse.

Don't trust this man and stop all contact. Why are you even still in contact? Makes NO sense to me. If you end up with more stress after accepting his invitation to lunch just remember you did it to yourself... but you can stop it here, there is no need to take it any further unless you enjoy the stress... and i'm sure you don't.

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 08-11-2008 at 11:21 AM.

 
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