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Old 08-10-2008, 08:31 PM   #1
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Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

Hello. I need help with something that has been bothering me. Please take the time to read this and help me out.

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year and a half. I loved her very much for the first year, then we got to the stage where we bickered and argued a lot as we are both stubborn. This made me realize that she might not be the girl for me because I couldn't stand it. One night, I went out for a few drinks with one of my buddies (a male) and we split on a few pitchers. Another female friend who I know likes me stopped by the bar and had a few drinks as well. My friend had to leave to go somewhere, so the girl stayed with me and we played a few drinking games with darts.

Her brother was supposed to come pick her up around 1:30 or so and by the time we were done, we were hammered and she said she was coming over to stay on my couch. I don't know why her brother wasn't coming. I thought nothing of it and said sure, whatever. We walked home and I went into my room and got into my boxers and went to bed. Next thing I know she gets into my bed with me and starts kissing me, which lead to her getting on top of me, and then about 10 seconds of sex. I said I needed to stop, she got off, and I just turned away and made myself go to sleep.

The next day I realized how much I don't want to be with any other women. I realized that I was correct before I started getting second thoughts about the relationship.

I don't know if I should leave it at that and just think of it as something that had to happen that may have saved my relationship, or tell my girlfriend, which would devastate her. I love her very much and I don't want to hurt her. I know honesty is supposed to be the best option, but this situation seems different to me.

I need some advice. Please.

 
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Old 08-10-2008, 08:49 PM   #2
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

Wow. From a female's opinion and been cheated on I would say tell her!! I'm big on honesty. However, for some reason in this case I don't think you should

Sometimes things do have to go wrong in relationships to realize how to fix them, move past that stepping stone and work things out positively. For you, you learned how much you DO love your gf, how much you want to be with her and how much you don't ever want to be with someone else. Thats good to have figured out. I think that once you tell your girlfriend, the trust is broken and it is SO hard, absolutely hard to ever regain that trust. Things never worked out with me and my ex-boyfriend who cheated, although we tried and he was horribly sorry and did everything he could to make things up to me, I never could work past it. That honestly was the reason I never ended up marrying him and am not with him now. His cheating ended what could have been a lifetime relationship after 4 years.

I'm honestly on the fence on this one. I would always tell someone like you to tell her, but I don't think you should. It was your mistake, it is your guilt to work through and to remain faithful from here on with your gf. Its not fair for you to break her heart if you really love her and devote yourself to her now that you know. Leave it at that. So no, don't tell her.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 08:59 PM   #3
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

thank you for the reply. I was thinking the same thing. I think now that I can devote myself to her that it will help me from feeling guilty, and actually feel better about it. I want to think of it as a stepping stone and eventually forget about it down the road.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 09:32 PM   #4
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

I think that if you told her, she wouldn't forgive you. I'm sure I wouldn't, having been cheated on, myself. I think it's best for you to just keep this to yourself and let the guilt you feel be your penance. Don't tell her because you're just going to hurt her and I'm sure that she likely wouldn't even want to ever speak to you again.

The only reason why you'd even consider telling you is just to ease your conscience. But in the end, it's going to do more to hurt her than help the relationship in any way. That's why I say, don't tell her.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 09:39 PM   #5
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

I was thinking the same thing. I love her to death and I don't want to hurt her and risk ruining the relationship when I know i love her and I know she loves me. I think I can eventually get over it. Thanks for the help. I appreciated it very much.

 
Old 08-10-2008, 10:49 PM   #6
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

I agree in principle with all the others, but can she possibly find out from your other friends? Might you have to lie about it in the future? Be careful, Sera

 
Old 08-11-2008, 06:39 AM   #7
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

I don't think she would ever be able to find out about it.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 07:14 AM   #8
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

Well, my jury's still out on whether you should tell her. But DO get an STD test, no matter what. She definitely will find out if she catches something from you.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 07:17 AM   #9
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

don't tell her....you would just be doing it to ease your concious and it wouldn't help anything

 
Old 08-11-2008, 07:19 AM   #10
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

Yes, you should absolutely tell her.

I think it is the most selfish thing you can ever do to your girlfriend to keep this to yourself. That is taking the easy way out and it's just not right. You are thinking only of yourself and not at all of your girlfriends feelings. You don't want the relationship to end so you're not telling her. Your guilt is not "punishment enough" as some people might tell you. Your "punishment" should be being an adult and fessing up what you did wrong.

Some people are telling you that your girlfriend won't forgive you if you told her, so you should just keep it to yourself. But that is exactly why you need to tell her. It is not up to you to decide if the relationship should continue after you did something like this. It is now your girlfriends decision. You made a selfish choice and now it is your job to step up, stop acting like a child and make the right decision from here on out.

The only reason you would tell her about it is not just to ease your conscience. That is what people tell themselves to justify why it is okay to keep it to themselves. The reason you should tell her is because you say you love her, and love means being totally honest. No matter how you look at it, this is being completely dishonest. And she has every right in the world to know what you did.

If she doesn't want to date you after you tell her, then so be it. That is when you will know that you made the complete right choice in telling her. As of now, you might be forcing her to be with you when she would otherwise leave you. Which again, is selfish. Think of your girlfriend and not only yourself.

I hope you make the right choice.

Last edited by BayRS; 08-11-2008 at 07:22 AM.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 07:54 AM   #11
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

if i did tell her, how would she ever get over it and forget about it?

 
Old 08-11-2008, 08:07 AM   #12
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

Quote:
Originally Posted by Branman View Post
if i did tell her, how would she ever get over it and forget about it?
You might tell her and she might be angry and upset about it for a while, and then tell you she still loves you enough to work through it with you.

Or you might tell her and she might be so angry and hurt that she just can't be with you anymore.

But the bottom line is, it's up to her. Yes, you can choose whether or not you tell her...but the choice should not be yours. You made a mistake and it's now time for you to make the right choice, not another wrong one. Don't add insult to injury.

I'm sure you love her very much and everyone makes mistakes. Maybe your girlfriend believes in second chances. You'll never know unless you try. But I have a hard time believing someone when they say they love their girlfriend/boyfriend if they can lie to them. Lying has no place in a loving relationship.

I won't lie to you, it's a risk you're taking by telling her the truth. But your girlfriend deserves the truth. Think about her. Think about all the reasons you love her. Think about all of the nice things she's done for you. Now think long and hard about if you can really live with yourself if you lie to her for the rest of your life.

What if she's "the one"? What if you get married one day? Think about your wedding day. She will be looking into your eyes with so much love and trust, and you will be hiding this secret still. Maybe you think you can hide it forever but it will probably eat at you.

She is trusting you. She was sitting home while you were out cheating, and she was putting her trust in you to remain faithful. And if you can't remain faithful, she puts trust in you to be honest with her. It's the least you can do after breaking the trust.

Please just consider telling her. It is what she deserves and if you have any chance of a healthy, completely honest relationship in the future, you need to be completely honest right now.

Situations like this are when you find out what a person is really made of.

Last edited by BayRS; 08-11-2008 at 08:08 AM.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 08:09 AM   #13
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

I think I'm going to tell her. I'm crying already.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 08:10 AM   #14
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

Quote:
Originally Posted by Branman View Post
I think I'm going to tell her. I'm crying already.
you're making a big mistake.......take this to your grave

 
Old 08-11-2008, 08:18 AM   #15
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Re: Wasn't sure if I was in love, cheated on gf, then realized I really do love her

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
you're making a big mistake.......take this to your grave
Everything BayRS says is true though. And I already feel bad looking into her eyes.

I don't know what to do

 
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