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Old 08-11-2008, 08:51 AM   #1
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I really need some help with my relationship, im a mess

Where do I start.

We have been together 2.5 years - I love him with all my heart and i know he loves me. Be are in our late 20's and we want to get married in the future and have a family. We purchased a home together. Everything should be great no? Its far from that.

There is no doubt in my mind i want him beside me as my partner in my life and i know he feels the same way - so why is it so hard.

Its almost like we are so much the same we can not see eye to eye or "get" eachother in so many ways - and such stupid things bring out so much hurt. Everyone around me is getting married and engaged and it feels like im alone stuck at a point with my bf where we are always trying to feel "better" about what happened last week....never moving forward....

For instance im a sensitive person. I have been through alot, lost my mom, watch my family fall apart - it has just shapped who i am. My sensitivity may require patience but it doesnt hurt anyone. My bf sometimes doesnt get it...he tried but there are times where he makes comments or says things that hurt me more than the average person....if i tell him its turns into a fight "i dont get him" "we dont get eachother" etc etc. It very discouraging because i feel im ready to be in a relationship that is very close to taking the next step and this one isnt. But i dont want to take that step woth anyone else so its a catch 22.

On the other had we all have different ways of expressing things - we have been together over 2 years so you know the other person is a good person and never means anything in a hurtful way....I try to rememeber that with him being sensitive...we if i say something with a small attitude...for example - we are going on a road trip - his mom asked how much we will spend on gas....i said well my dad went so such and such a place and spent this much..my bf rudely said "that has nothing to do with us he has a truck" - so i said to him i was just saying in a slightly defensive way but not rude or anything becasue i felt he snapped and was rude to me. Again i didnt notice cause i talk how i talk and have been my whole life no one else has every scrutinized the way i express myself. Well he procceeded to get may at me saying i embarassed him infront of his family with my attitude.

Its stuff like that that make it hard and just general picking on me - you start to feel you arent that special to him. I have brought this up and i end up looking too sensitive or nagging about stupid things to create a fight...i need help guys....

 
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Old 08-11-2008, 09:13 AM   #2
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Re: I really need some help with my relationship, im a mess

well it's too late to tell you don't buy the house together, but there is still time for me to tell you......don't marry him

 
Old 08-11-2008, 01:35 PM   #3
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Re: I really need some help with my relationship, im a mess

Quote:
Originally Posted by penniepie View Post
......i need help guys....
I don't much like his picking on you and blaming you for feeling embarrassed in front of his family. It sounds as if he treats you like a small child, or what? Has he always been like that? (Familiarity brings contempt.) Does he ever apologize to you for his occasional rudeness? How does he behave towards other people?

What is perhaps important to check is: does he do it because he is a clumsy type of guy, or does he do it on purpose? Anyway, it seems that (t)his attitude is straining the relationship.

Stop and have a conversation with him during a time when he is more relaxed. (Does he perhaps get a lot of stress from his work or then takes it out on you? He must learn other ways to cope with his stress, you know.) Tell him clearly what is wrong in your relationship and ask him to change here and there and be available to change yourself as well. I think you may need to become stronger in some way. It is ok to be sensitive, it is ok to felt hurt by an inappropriate comment or observation from a dear one, but what if this is pattern for your life in every possible instance? Do you think everyone is out there to pick on you, to say hurtful things about you? I may be wrong, but I sense a drop of insecurity in your self-description. Perhaps you have a hard time making yourself accepted.

Your boy-friend may need ways to dispel his stress. Is he drinking or something? He may need instead more contact with nature, so he may calm down.

You may need a method of becoming less vulnerable. Maybe you could start some physical activity to build up your confidence and create a slightly rougher skin.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 06:44 AM   #4
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Re: I really need some help with my relationship, im a mess

He does have alot of stress in his family life...a brother was injured while away and was dealing with that as well as he has no idea day to day what his older brother is up to or even ok because he is a drug user on the streets. I do not understand what he is going through but i do try to tell him his reaction to it. he also lost his best friend of 25 years to suicide

I have spoken to his mom she is a wonderful and strong woman and she said that he acts the same towards other people in his family but you did hit it on the head as far as my insecurity and such.

I thank you for this great advice.

As far as the other poster....i think people walk away far to easliy before really putting in that extra bit of effort. Im not about to walk away cause something needs a bit of work but thanks for your inputt

 
Old 08-12-2008, 11:12 AM   #5
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Re: I really need some help with my relationship, im a mess

Here's the thing - your experiences have allows you to make you into who you are....so you can always change how you are.

What you're kind of saying is that you're an "open wound" of sorts - that people have to be careful the tone of voice they use, or the words they use - lest you interpret what/how they say what they do as being disregarding of you, or disrespectful of you, etc.

That makes it very hard to be around you 24/7, or in a cohabitational relationship. It means that in an attempt never to let you run tothe automatic default you do of "you're insulting me,you're dismissing me, you're rejecting me" - they must think an construct their sentences and actions. That's very wearing on a person...and if a person requires that to be around them, it helps to have some distance and time lapse in having to deal with them. Such as not daily....and if important issues arise, the person who is ging to be forced to deal with the sensitive (aka - I think with my feelings) person has to rehearse and prepare a script - it's very "parental" in nature, to have to deal with an extremely "sensitive adult" in any way - particularly in life partnership.

So youo'd have to ask yourself if you want to be going thru regarded as an "open wound" by the people that have to deal with you. It's gingto make people only want superficial and short-spurt association...and it's going to force someone who has more involved and intertwined association to be mindful of your wounds. It makes htem you rparent....or your caregiver - not your partner...it makesyou less sexually desirable, less attractive in every way to them.

But, realize that you're both alot alike - he's always trying to find a way this week to feel good about last week - according to you. That is someone who also thinks with feelings...and that is why you two are reaching the point of more clash than mesh.

He's danced around your open wounds...to the point he resents you having 'issues"...and he belives that his feeelings should count more now - than yours do.

So you two are going to have to be mroe self-defined/aware/accepting/responsible/accountable and become the masters and commands of your own destiny - before you can appreciate the talents, intelligence,an abilities and character of one another.

partnership is not identity, security or completion...it's na extention of who you are. We all attract people to us that are "just like us" - and it is in dealing with them that we find the issues within ourselves.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 06:40 PM   #6
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Re: I really need some help with my relationship, im a mess

Well said.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 05:32 AM   #7
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Re: I really need some help with my relationship, im a mess

I have been through this in a way. If you two are going to stay together, you need to realize that you aren't required to "get" each other in every way. What matters is whether you can remain supportive and respectful even if you don't always understand why you do what you do.

Saying "we just don't get each other" is a way of giving up. It assumes that a good relationship is one where you don't ever have to compromise or explain yourself, but that doesn't exist. You have your own issues to deal with regarding sensitivity. From his end, he needs to give you the freedom to speak your thoughts when you're concerned without making you feel like a nag.

Having problems isn't neccessarily the mark of a bad relationship. Not being able to talk about them or work through them is. You will feel less bad if you are able to talk about things as they come up, before they turn into a fight.

 
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