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Old 08-11-2008, 08:36 AM   #1
natet1974
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Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

It is so hard to write this but I just need to let it out. We were married 13 years with 2 great kids and careers going well and we got distant in our relationship. I found out a couple years after the fact the wife had been unfaithful and i then decided to get back at her by doing the same. Between both of us we destroyed each other and the kids and had so much hurt and anger toward each other we changed inside. After the fact we finally realized how much we really loved each other but there has been so much damage that it seems like it is impossible to ever make it work again even though we both want it. Our family on both sides hates each of us and kids are torn between what they want us to do. We were married at 18 and didnt have time to get to know each other enough and by the time we were in our late 20's the affairs started and kept secret until after 30. I have tried to have a real relationship with other women and i always end up in the same place missing and loving my ex wife. No one i ever have met comes close to how i feel about her and I know I will never love anyone like her and she feels the same. Problem is all the garbage from the past, how does one get over that and how do you make it work when ur entire life has been destroyed by each other. is it worth it? Should a person just accept that its over and try to make the best of what u have now? I just dont know. It is so hard to know what to do, I wish we could just move far away from family and everything that happened here and start over but thats easier said than done with jobs u had for over a decade and have worked hard to get where ur at. especially when ur in ur 30's. Any similar experiences or advice Id so much appreciate it.

 
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Old 08-11-2008, 09:30 AM   #2
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

People do get together after they get divorced. After the initial divorce and all the drama and hurt feelings that go with that have died down... one or both of the people realize they still love each other... BUT loving each other doesn't mean you can live together either. You were young when you got married, and age and experience can shed a entire new light on situations. If you both feel the same way, I'd sit down with a professional (someone whos good) and explore if this might be a good idea to start dating again... at the very least you will know if you were meant to be back together with each other.... and if not... you will know you have to move forward and will have to let this go. If family is butting in.. tell them to BUTT OUT and be firm. If you don't try you will always wonder "what if"

Last edited by cathy1; 08-11-2008 at 09:31 AM.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 09:55 AM   #3
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by natet1974 View Post
... or advice Id so much appreciate it.
If a country can be rebuilt after a total war, why can't a marriage be so? I am not saying it is easy, but I am sure it can be done, if both of you are committed to doing it and still have a seed of trust in each other. A seed can grow, can't it?

Maybe you need a mission. A mission is a good word or place to start from. Missions are usually difficult, but since there is something holy or dignified about them, people usually won't spare themselves to pursue them to the end. Some will even give up their lives for their mission, but I am not telling you to go so far. LOL

So why not think of rebuilding your marriage and relationship in terms of the pursuit of a mission?

Ok, this sounds a bit too abstract.

Maybe you should write down together a few basic rules to follow in this pursuit. The past can't be totally forgotten, but I don't think it is really necessary to keep analyzing what went before, all the mistakes you have committed. It is better to focus on the present and then on the future. Find out what both of you want in common from life. Find areas where you can work together, where you can have fun together. Look up old friends or make new friends. It is important to lead a life with movement rather than sit and watch TV. Temptations are best resisted with activity.

Unfortunately negative people can't be avoided completely. Just don't dwell on what they have to say. Mostly they speak out of fear, envy or misinformation. They usually don't know what they are talking about. Don't talk much about what you are trying to do together now. Some mystery can be helpful for you to achieve your goal.

In marriage, it is also important to have a few moments for yourself, a space for your privacy. It's vital for the other party to understand and accept this need and put it in practice for themselves, too.

It is also important to be able to apologize, not only for the past (so much for the past, anyway), but also for any present blunder and misdeed.

Good luck!

Last edited by pendulum; 08-11-2008 at 09:57 AM.

 
Old 08-11-2008, 03:09 PM   #4
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

It is between you and your exwife. If you two want to make it work I suggest you start counselling together to get past this. If the kids are young enough to still "force" them, put them in counselling too. As far as the rest of the family goes, tell them to back off. What you and your ex decide to do is none of their business. Just please use the counselling to listen to eachother and learn to communicate so hopefully you will not have to deal with this ever again.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 05:58 PM   #5
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

Are you wanting to start over - as the two new, and hopefully more mature, self-accepting and responsible people you are today?

Or are you wanting evrybody to 'forget" what has happened in the past, and attempt to pick up where you left off, and nobody is ever to bring up what happened in the past because "that's over and done with?"

 
Old 08-13-2008, 05:37 PM   #6
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

I hate to be the depressing pessimist in this conversation, but I don't think you can make it work. I just feel like the pain of infidelity and the damage it does to a family can never be completely repaired. It would be hard enough if she was just an ex-girlfriend, but now you have your children and the rest of your extended family involved in the situation.

I'm sorry, but I can't see how you could work it out. Then again, I'm young. I've never experienced infidelity, but I can't imagine ever overcoming it.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 05:48 PM   #7
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

I think it could work, but you need help from a therapist. You both cheated on each other so in that way you are both victims, not only one of you. Tell the family to stay out of it.
It is funny, but I just went to a library today and saw a book about how to rebuild your lives and marriage after infidelity. I wish I could tell you them name of the book, but I just glanced at it.

 
Old 08-14-2008, 12:35 PM   #8
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

Instead of saying you're both victims, why not just say you're even and wipe the slate clean.....

 
Old 08-14-2008, 09:38 PM   #9
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Re: Can it ever work after Infedelity in marriage

I agree in the couseling part and really hope you can work this out....good luck to you both!

 
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